Job for a friend not in the bridal party?

SarahWins

So my fiancé and I have a close female friend that we would like to be involved in our wedding. However, we do not want more than a MOH and best man in the wedding party (positions that are filled by our siblings). Our male friends are going to be ushers, but we are having a hard time thinking of a position for this female friend other than passing out programs at the ceremony, which seems like less of a position of honor than we are giving the guys. Do you guys have any ideas?

NavyBlue143

Reader? Have her do a reading of a poem, bible passage, or book quote that is meaningful to the two of you.

Dreamergirl8812

What NavyBlue said. Don't give her a shit job like teaching people how to sign their name in the guestbook.

misssunshine17

Reader is the only thing that isn't shitty. People know how to take a program or sign their name. 

JoanE2012

SarahWins said:

So my fiancé and I have a close female friend that we would like to be involved in our wedding. However, we do not want more than a MOH and best man in the wedding party (positions that are filled by our siblings). Our male friends are going to be ushers, but we are having a hard time thinking of a position for this female friend other than passing out programs at the ceremony, which seems like less of a position of honor than we are giving the guys. Do you guys have any ideas?

I don't understand why you can't have more than a MOH and BM (and to refer to them as "positions filled by siblings" makes it sound like a job opening).  That said, don't try and give a "job" to the female friend.  It's not an honor.  It's a chore.  I'd much rather enjoy myself at a wedding than have to supervise the handing out of programs.  Remember, being a guest is an honor itself.  

Blue_Bird

Unless you're paying her, she shouldn't have a job at your wedding. Bridesmaid, groomsmaid, reader. That covers it. Don't worry about this "even sides" garbage.

silver0319

Blue_Bird said:

Unless you're paying her, she shouldn't have a job at your wedding. Bridesmaid, groomsmaid, reader. That covers it. Don't worry about this "even sides" garbage.

Agreed. I had a friend ask me to set up her pew bows and hand out programs and bubbles at her wedding because she wanted me to be "involved" on her special day. I know she had good intentions, but I would have preferred she just invite me to her wedding without being assigned a "job".

annathy03

misssunshine17 said:

Reader is the only thing that isn't shitty. People know how to take a program or sign their name. 

Agreed, traditionally.  I've seen a less traditional role that I didn't think was shitty though.  One of my friends had just a MOH like OP, but had adult flower girls.  There were vases every 4th pew or so and each FG put a flower in a few of these, so they were still part of the processional but seated for the ceremony up close with family and didn't need to buy BM dresses.

In that spirit, another thing you could do that isn't a "job" for her but honors your closeness is to let her know she's welcome to sit in the first row(s) with immediate family.  Usually friends won't sit in the first few rows, and I think it's nice to let her know she is a VIP.

STARMOON44

Is having a penis a requirement for being an usher? I must have missed that one.

Maggie0829

Honestly I believe that being an usher is a shitty job as well.  People know how to sit down without the need of someone directing them to a seat.

There are only three things that are accpetable and will not seen as some dumb job in a wedding. Those positions are bridesmaid, groomsman, or reader.  And unless you are having a Catholic ceremony with the presenting of gifts (this could also be seen as an honored position), there really isn't anything else.

Having just a MOH and BM is completely fine, but don't try to find something else for this friend to do just because you don't want to have additional people in your wedding party.  Invite her as a guest and be done with it.

HisGirlFriday13

I think ushers are necessary when there are pews marked off for specific family members so that other people don't sit there. Otherwise, most people can walk to a pew, sit down, and follow along with the ceremony.

Maggie0829

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I think ushers are necessary when there are pews marked off for specific family members so that other people don't sit there. Otherwise, most people can walk to a pew, sit down, and follow along with the ceremony.

Then use your GMs as ushers or make "reserved" signs for those pews.  But I think asking people to just be ushers is a shitty job that was thought up as a way to include people that you didn't want in your WP. 

mikencindy

You can have her read a poem or meaningful passage from your fav book ect.

SarahWins

I am very traditional, so yes, having a penis is a requirement for being an usher in my wedding. And yes, I do believe that they are necessary, since, again, I am very traditional and believe that every lady should be accorded the respect to be escorted to her seat by a gentleman, whether she has a date or not. If she does not, this is the job of the usher. Ushers do not exist to walk everyone to their seats, just to escort those ladies who have nobody else to escort them. 

lc07

One of my closest childhood friends did not want to be a bridesmaid but we still wanted to honor her in some way. We didn't have any readings during our ceremony so I asked her if she would sign our marriage license as our witness. It meant a lot to me to have her name there and was not a "job" but, in my opinion an honorable place in our wedding.

MyNameIsNot

SarahWins said:

I am very traditional, so yes, having a penis is a requirement for being an usher in my wedding. And yes, I do believe that they are necessary, since, again, I am very traditional and believe that every lady should be accorded the respect to be escorted to her seat by a gentleman, whether she has a date or not. If she does not, this is the job of the usher. Ushers do not exist to walk everyone to their seats, just to escort those ladies who have nobody else to escort them. 

In that case, you should just explain to your friend that you don't like her enough to be a bridesmaid, and you are not asking her to be an usher because you think she is incapable of escorting anyone to their seat due to her anatomy.  

You'll solve the friend problem pretty quickly.  

Dreamergirl8812

SarahWins said:

I am very traditional, so yes, having a penis is a requirement for being an usher in my wedding. And yes, I do believe that they are necessary, since, again, I am very traditional and believe that every lady should be accorded the respect to be escorted to her seat by a gentleman, whether she has a date or not. If she does not, this is the job of the usher. Ushers do not exist to walk everyone to their seats, just to escort those ladies who have nobody else to escort them. 

I just got back from my bachelorette weekend so I have penises everywhere. If you taped a dick to your friend, would she qualify?

STARMOON44

@SarahWins if you are very traditional your friend can be a bridesmaid, reader, or guest. Pick one.

mimiphin

STARMOON44 said:

@SarahWins if you are very traditional your friend can be a bridesmaid, reader, or guest. Pick one.

Agreed. Don't give the poor girl some bullshit job just so she feel's included.

Dreamergirl8812 said:

SarahWins said:

I am very traditional, so yes, having a penis is a requirement for being an usher in my wedding. And yes, I do believe that they are necessary, since, again, I am very traditional and believe that every lady should be accorded the respect to be escorted to her seat by a gentleman, whether she has a date or not. If she does not, this is the job of the usher. Ushers do not exist to walk everyone to their seats, just to escort those ladies who have nobody else to escort them. 

I just got back from my bachelorette weekend so I have penises everywhere. If you taped a dick to your friend, would she qualify?

I second this motion!

PrettyGirlLost

SarahWins said:

I am very traditional, so yes, having a penis is a requirement for being an usher in my wedding. And yes, I do believe that they are necessary, since, again, I am very traditional and believe that every lady should be accorded the respect to be escorted to her seat by a gentleman, whether she has a date or not. If she does not, this is the job of the usher. Ushers do not exist to walk everyone to their seats, just to escort those ladies who have nobody else to escort them. 

If your guests have dates, will they be able to walk to their seat with their date?  I have been to a number of weddings were I was "escorted' to my seat by an usher. . . while FI just walked awkwardly behind us.  I personally hate that.

wishin4ring

I just wanted to add my two cents since most of the responses here have been very negative towards the OP. I was asked to be a bridesmaid in one of my friend's weddings and unfortunately I had to back out of it due to being involved as a MOH in another wedding. I felt horrible about doing it and told her that if she needed me for ANYTHING, I would be willing to do so. At her bridal shower, I helped with setting up along side the other bridesmaids. Her wedding is the 13th, and she recently asked me if I would be willing to go ahead a little earlier and set up place cards and such since she, and the bridal party may not have time to do so, and I was completely ecstatic that she asked me. The reason why... Because she is my FRIEND. If a FRIEND needs you to do something for them on their special day, you should be more than willing to do it for them without it feeling like a "JOB".

KeptInStitches

But you WANTED to do it. Most people don't want to take time out of their days to set up the reception, even if they're good friends, because they see that as the job of the DOC, who is paid to do that. See the difference?

Maggie0829

KeptInStitches said:

But you WANTED to do it. Most people don't want to take time out of their days to set up the reception, even if they're good friends, because they see that as the job of the DOC, who is paid to do that. See the difference?

This.  There is a huge difference between someone volunteering to help and being asked to do a job as a type of "honor" position.

mimiphin

Maggie0829 said:

KeptInStitches said:

But you WANTED to do it. Most people don't want to take time out of their days to set up the reception, even if they're good friends, because they see that as the job of the DOC, who is paid to do that. See the difference?

This.  There is a huge difference between someone volunteering to help and being asked to do a job as a type of "honor" position.

I second the Bolded!

This is the old Volunteering =/= VolunTolding debate.

If I help set up for a wedding that is my choice, not the bride to tell me to.

SarahWins

Yes, if the woman has a date she should be escorted by him. That's the traditionally "correct" way to do things. Most of our friends are single, however, and thus will not have dates. 

MollyandD

SarahWins said:

I am very traditional, so yes, having a penis is a requirement for being an usher in my wedding. And yes, I do believe that they are necessary, since, again, I am very traditional and believe that every lady should be accorded the respect to be escorted to her seat by a gentleman, whether she has a date or not. If she does not, this is the job of the usher. Ushers do not exist to walk everyone to their seats, just to escort those ladies who have nobody else to escort them. 

This actually made me really uncomfortable once when I was 16. It was a relative's wedding, and I was told I had to have a groomsman walk me to my seat (after fulfilling my lame guest book job). I told them thanks, but no thanks. I preferred to walk in on my own instead of with a guy I didn't know. I got a weird look from the maid of honor for not wanting an escort, but it just made me feel awkward. I think offering an escort is ok, but not everyone will want or need it. If a female had offered to walk in with me, I would have been more likely to accept.

ZiggyZos

STARMOON44 said:

Is having a penis a requirement for being an usher? I must have missed that one.

I haven't made it any further in the thread yet because I totally just spit my Starbucks all over my keyboard. Applause for you, @STARMOON44

Dreamergirl8812 said:

SarahWins said:

I am very traditional, so yes, having a penis is a requirement for being an usher in my wedding. And yes, I do believe that they are necessary, since, again, I am very traditional and believe that every lady should be accorded the respect to be escorted to her seat by a gentleman, whether she has a date or not. If she does not, this is the job of the usher. Ushers do not exist to walk everyone to their seats, just to escort those ladies who have nobody else to escort them. 

I just got back from my bachelorette weekend so I have penises everywhere. If you taped a dick to your friend, would she qualify?

SITB

Edited to add that I also was not prepared for @Dreamergirl8812 's response.

Memo to self: put down drink when reading TK threads. 

SarahWins

The destination wedding is the real wedding, when we are really getting married. I'm sorry, but I don't consider signing a paper to mean getting married. I don't need or want the government to be the entity validating my marriage, that's the whole purpose of a wedding in front of friends and family. If you need the government to validate it and believe that's all you need to be married, great, go do that and call it good. Since you're on this site, however, I doubt that's what you actually think. So how about not attacking people for doing things the right way, k?

SarahWins

I guess I must have missed the part where being traditional was a reason to be attacked and belittled. When did it become wrong to want to do things the way that they have always been done? Thanks girls, you all made me lose that much more faith in the women of our society.

SarahWins

shrekspeare said:

SarahWins said:

The destination wedding is the real wedding, when we are really getting married. I'm sorry, but I don't consider signing a paper to mean getting married. I don't need or want the government to be the entity validating my marriage, that's the whole purpose of a wedding in front of friends and family. If you need the government to validate it and believe that's all you need to be married, great, go do that and call it good. Since you're on this site, however, I doubt that's what you actually think. So how about not attacking people for doing things the right way, k?

So you're having a PPD?

I'm sorry, I don't know what that stands for.

KatWAG

SarahWins said:

The destination wedding is the real wedding, when we are really getting married. I'm sorry, but I don't consider signing a paper to mean getting married. I don't need or want the government to be the entity validating my marriage, that's the whole purpose of a wedding in front of friends and family. If you need the government to validate it and believe that's all you need to be married, great, go do that and call it good. Since you're on this site, however, I doubt that's what you actually think. So how about not attacking people for doing things the right way, k?

So you dont want to 1000+ benefits you receive when your marriage is considered valid by the state?

I wonder what @queerfemme would think about this statement.