ummm selfish much?

Nicmorrison14

So, I'm really trying not to by judge-y here....but I just looked at "luxury weddings" because I was bored. I came across a discussion about budgets. Now, don't get me wrong, if YOU and your FIANCE have tons of money and choose to spend it on a lavish wedding ( I personally would rather save it) then by all means, go for it, but if your parents or in laws are paying for it, how do you not even give a second thought about things? I came across one bride saying that they're basically doing what they want and inviting unGodly amounts of people for a $95,000 budget that they will likely go over, but it's ok because her parents are paying for it. NINETY FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS. Are you effing kidding me?! What if your parents care that you go over?! This whole thing sounds incredibly selfish to me. My parents are chipping in x amount of dollars (meaning under 8k) toward our venue and we are SUPER grateful. It will not cover all of the 180 guests we invited so WE are paying the difference...not asking my parents for more money. I just don't understand how people can throw other people's money around. I mean, maybe her parent sare okay with going over..I don't know because she didn't say. It was just the way it sounded to me.... like "oh, no big deal it's not our money". Ugh.

itzMS

Nicmorrison14 said:

So, I'm really trying not to by judge-y here....but I just looked at "luxury weddings" because I was bored. I came across a discussion about budgets. Now, don't get me wrong, if YOU and your FIANCE have tons of money and choose to spend it on a lavish wedding ( I personally would rather save it) then by all means, go for it, but if your parents or in laws are paying for it, how do you not even give a second thought about things? I came across one bride saying that they're basically doing what they want and inviting unGodly amounts of people for a $95,000 budget that they will likely go over, but it's ok because her parents are paying for it. NINETY FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS. Are you effing kidding me?! What if your parents care that you go over?! This whole thing sounds incredibly selfish to me. My parents are chipping in x amount of dollars (meaning under 8k) toward our venue and we are SUPER grateful. It will not cover all of the 180 guests we invited so WE are paying the difference...not asking my parents for more money. I just don't understand how people can throw other people's money around. I mean, maybe her parent sare okay with going over..I don't know because she didn't say. It was just the way it sounded to me.... like "oh, no big deal it's not our money". Ugh.

It's all about perspective. $95k is nothing to a couple (or couple's parents) that may make upwards of 1million per year for several years running.

Whereas for the majority of the population, most don't even have a combined income of $95k.

 

 

Nicmorrison14

I agree with the perspective part. I mean, if you have it then go for it... I guess it's just the way I see her attitude coming across as if she can do whatever she wants because it's not her money. Just seems greedy.

Maggie0829

If the parents are fine with the amount being spent then that is all that matters.  

My parents paid for my wedding and told me that I had a $25,000 budget.  Anything that went over that was on me and my H to pay for.

Also, like itzMS said, total cost is relevant according to each person's bank account.  For someone making a $1M + a year a $95,000 wedding is a drop in the bucket.  But for people who make $50,000 a year a $95,000 wedding is not only impossible but seemingly lavish.  I am sure there are brides who think my wedding was lavish while I thought it was the norm.

allispain

Maggie0829 said:

Also, like itzMS said, total cost is relevant according to each person's bank account.  For someone making a $1M + a year a $95,000 wedding is a drop in the bucket.  But for people who make $50,000 a year a $95,000 wedding is not only impossible but seemingly lavish.  I am sure there are brides who think my wedding was lavish while I thought it was the norm.

I agree with a lot of this. However, I also see OP's point, in that if you've been given a budget by the person who is paying for your wedding, it does seem selfish to essentially say "well I don't care about what budget you give me, I'm going to spend what I want and you're going to pay for it." 

Granted, I'm another bride whose mom paid for the wedding. I was given a $30,000 budget. I was also told since I was little that my wedding would be paid for, so I had never needed to save up for one. I could have spent all of the money that was provided to me (my mom often encouraged me to upgrade things, buy more expensive things, etc. for the wedding) but I chose to remain well under budget. I just didn't see the point in paying for lots of things that would only be used that one day and really didn't add anything to the wedding (things like chair covers, invitations that come in a box tied with ribbon, etc.). That was my personal choice, but I'm also a thrifty person by nature so it does seem odd to me when others blow through their budget without a care in the world.

Jells2dot0

So, I'm on the girls who responded to that post. I spent six figures on my first wedding. I chipped in about $30K of my own money (without going into debt) and my parents graciously offered up the rest. I'm very fortunate- they are very successful and they felt strongly about doing that for me, even if I didn't really feel it was necessary. After all of that, I got divorced two years later. I have since re-married and had a completely different outlook on weddings. There was so much waste in my first wedding, IMHO. So, this time, I did it the way that I thought would really capture the essence of my relationship, our common vision, and the love we share. Sure, I still spent more than what most people spend, but it's money I would have spent on travel anyway (Travel is our passion so we dump tons of money into it each year.) The actual wedding portion was no more than $8K (gown, wedding package, photography- not including rings or the travel costs.) I paid for the wedding and trip myself. So, I definitely saw perspective in what I did the first time and chose to look at it more conservatively, however, I had very special first wedding too and it was an amazing event, minus the actual drama that followed.

Jells2dot0

Also, I think a lot of people get caught up in the industry, the fairy tale, and what they see on TV. I got caught up in it as well! However, going through it and then having to cross that bridge again, you learn a lot about the process, planning, and what isn't quite as important.

FiancB

It's easy to judge, but it's all relative. I feel like I couldn't even come up with a way to spend that kind of money. But then I have a fairly normal budget (trying to stay under $10k, will probably go a bit over but not buy a whole lot) and there are plenty of people that feel that is extravagant.

And there are plenty of people in the world that are amazed we spend so much money on stupid stuff like internet and cable TV while they don't have enough food to eat. 

Perspective. It's their money (well, mom and dad's money) and they can do what they like with it. 

nannersbanners

To each is own but lavish weddings to me are crazy. It's one day, or even one weekend but it is just so silly to me! For the rich who can afford these weddings... well, many still finance their wedding and continue making payments for many more years to come. Some even find themselves divorced before it's paid off (aka MY BOSS). Lamest thing I heard of...

FiancB

So what's the cutoff? Allispain and Maggie probably think $95k is pretty extravagant. In the meantime, I think their budget is pretty lavish. And people over on the budget board frequently lament that my budget is lavish. 

KeptInStitches

I think it's more about a mentality than a dollar figure, in my mind. If your parents are kind enough to pay for your wedding, you should be kind enough to respect the budget they set.

cruffino

Somebody always spends more and somebody always spends less. Everyone has different priorities. These conversations always end up judgy, which is why I don't disclose money issues around my wedding, or any other aspect of my life for that matter.

FI and I agreed that what we spend is between us, what his parents contribute is between us and them and what my parents contribute is between us and them. I truly believe that talking about money opens one up to criticism and judgement. And I surely have no interest in other people's opinions of what I do.

But take that with a grain of salt, I have a Sicilian background and we're really touchy about that shit.

southernbelle0915

It's not about the dollar amount. It's about being respectful of a gift. It drives me crazy when brides/grooms think someone owes them a wedding. Or when they aren't grateful enough of someone's contribution to stay within budget. It screams spoiled and reminds me of toddlers in tiaras/my super sweet sixteen.

I also think its hilarious/obnoxious when "luxury brides" act like money/things are all that matters and act like they're next to royalty...except they're spending their parents' money. Awesome!

Jells2dot0

southernbelle0915 said:

It's not about the dollar amount. It's about being respectful of a gift. It drives me crazy when brides/grooms think someone owes them a wedding. Or when they aren't grateful enough of someone's contribution to stay within budget. It screams spoiled and reminds me of toddlers in tiaras/my super sweet sixteen. I also think its hilarious/obnoxious when "luxury brides" act like money/things are all that matters and act like they're next to royalty...except they're spending their parents' money. Awesome!

I agree that money is not the end all/be all. However, just because someone's parents offer to pay for a substantial part of a wedding as a generous gift doesn't mean that the couple themselves can't pick up the tab. Should a parent pay $30K for a new car when someone turns 16? Should parents drop $200k+ just so their kid can attend an ivy league school? Maybe not, but if someone's parents offer, then it's very gracious and thoughtful of them and they are doing it because they care.

I also agree cruffino- this post is getting judgy VERY quickly. We don't know the circumstances of anyone's choices. It would be rude to judge someone spending $3K and calling them "cheap" or "frugal" just like it's rude to call someone spending $100K "spoiled" without knowing the circumstances.

cruffino

Jells2dot0 said:

southernbelle0915 said:

It's not about the dollar amount. It's about being respectful of a gift. It drives me crazy when brides/grooms think someone owes them a wedding. Or when they aren't grateful enough of someone's contribution to stay within budget. It screams spoiled and reminds me of toddlers in tiaras/my super sweet sixteen.

I also think its hilarious/obnoxious when "luxury brides" act like money/things are all that matters and act like they're next to royalty...except they're spending their parents' money. Awesome!

I agree that money is not the end all/be all. However, just because someone's parents offer to pay for a substantial part of a wedding as a generous gift doesn't mean that the couple themselves can't pick up the tab. Should a parent pay $30K for a new car when someone turns 16? Should parents drop $200k+ just so their kid can attend an ivy league school? Maybe not, but if someone's parents offer, then it's very gracious and thoughtful of them and they are doing it because they care.

I also agree cruffino- this post is getting judgy VERY quickly. We don't know the circumstances of anyone's choices. It would be rude to judge someone spending $3K and calling them "cheap" or "frugal" just like it's rude to call someone spending $100K "spoiled" without knowing the circumstances.

It's not getting judgy...it started out judgy. The title is "umm selfish much". I think attitudes and behavior can be selfish. I don't think it's selfish if your parents give you a gift and you accept, regardless the size of the gift.

If you don't think it's appropriate to spend beaucoup bucks on a wedding, then don't. But don't judge others who do. We all have different priorities for how we spend, on weddings, and everything else.

Maggie0829

cruffino said:

southernbelle0915 said:

It's not about the dollar amount. It's about being respectful of a gift. It drives me crazy when brides/grooms think someone owes them a wedding. Or when they aren't grateful enough of someone's contribution to stay within budget. It screams spoiled and reminds me of toddlers in tiaras/my super sweet sixteen. I also think its hilarious/obnoxious when "luxury brides" act like money/things are all that matters and act like they're next to royalty...except they're spending their parents' money. Awesome!

I agree that money is not the end all/be all. However, just because someone's parents offer to pay for a substantial part of a wedding as a generous gift doesn't mean that the couple themselves can't pick up the tab. Should a parent pay $30K for a new car when someone turns 16? Should parents drop $200k+ just so their kid can attend an ivy league school? Maybe not, but if someone's parents offer, then it's very gracious and thoughtful of them and they are doing it because they care.

I also agree cruffino- this post is getting judgy VERY quickly. We don't know the circumstances of anyone's choices. It would be rude to judge someone spending $3K and calling them "cheap" or "frugal" just like it's rude to call someone spending $100K "spoiled" without knowing the circumstances.

It's not getting judgy...it started out judgy. The title is "umm selfish much". I think attitudes and behavior can be selfish. I don't think it's selfish if your parents give you a gift and you accept, regardless the size of the gift. If you don't think it's appropriate to spend beaucoup bucks on a wedding, then don't. But don't judge others who do. We all have different priorities for how we spend, on weddings, and everything else.

Jells2dot0

cruffino said:

southernbelle0915 said:

It's not about the dollar amount. It's about being respectful of a gift. It drives me crazy when brides/grooms think someone owes them a wedding. Or when they aren't grateful enough of someone's contribution to stay within budget. It screams spoiled and reminds me of toddlers in tiaras/my super sweet sixteen. I also think its hilarious/obnoxious when "luxury brides" act like money/things are all that matters and act like they're next to royalty...except they're spending their parents' money. Awesome!

I agree that money is not the end all/be all. However, just because someone's parents offer to pay for a substantial part of a wedding as a generous gift doesn't mean that the couple themselves can't pick up the tab. Should a parent pay $30K for a new car when someone turns 16? Should parents drop $200k+ just so their kid can attend an ivy league school? Maybe not, but if someone's parents offer, then it's very gracious and thoughtful of them and they are doing it because they care.

I also agree cruffino- this post is getting judgy VERY quickly. We don't know the circumstances of anyone's choices. It would be rude to judge someone spending $3K and calling them "cheap" or "frugal" just like it's rude to call someone spending $100K "spoiled" without knowing the circumstances.

It's not getting judgy...it started out judgy. The title is "umm selfish much". I think attitudes and behavior can be selfish. I don't think it's selfish if your parents give you a gift and you accept, regardless the size of the gift. If you don't think it's appropriate to spend beaucoup bucks on a wedding, then don't. But don't judge others who do. We all have different priorities for how we spend, on weddings, and everything else.

Oh I agree- I'm one of the ones who DID spend a lot of on a wedding. In fact, two of them! LOL

 

NYCBruin

I agree with PPs, it all comes down to perspective.  $95k isn't a lot of money to some people, for others it seems like an insane amount to spend on a wedding.  The same could be said about pretty much any wedding budget.

I don't think there's anything wrong or bad about graciously accepting gift money from parents.  Both of our parents gave us a very nice amount of money, we were both incredibly surprised by their generosity and accepted graciously.  We are paying for the remainder of the wedding ourselves.  Our wedding is certainly "lavish," even by our own standards, but we aren't going into debt paying for it and we don't really spend a lot of money on other things.  This is our one day to be lavish.  Sure it's an expensive day, but we are spending approx 80% of our budget on things for our guests (food, booze, reception venue, band, photobooth, favors, etc), and to us, it's worth it to spend that money on our friends and family.

I do also agree that it's rather rude and presumptuous to go over budget when someone else is footing the bill.  I've seen a few episodes of SYTTD where the bride goes over budget and cries/begs until the person footing the bill agrees to the higher price.  It drives me mad that someone else generously offered to pay for her dress, and the bride whines that the budget she's given is not enough.  It also baffles me that paying the difference herself never seems to be an option.  Seriously, someone is dropping $3k on your dress, but you really want the $3800 one, why can't you just pay the extra $800 yourself?

lschwar2

Depending on where you live, 95k is not an ungodly budget.  I'm planning my wedding in downtown Chicago.  We'll be inviting 225 people.  Our budget is $110k (not including my dress, accessories, etc.) and I'm finding that it will be extremely challenging to keep within that limit.  We're having it at a very mediocre hotel and the price per plate is still $270.  I'm not able to do any of "cool" upgrades that I had pictured doing.  So while it may make me a snob, it is very disappointing to not be able to afford so many of the things I wanted, even with my "large" budget.

southernbelle0915

Jells2dot0 said:

southernbelle0915 said:

It's not about the dollar amount. It's about being respectful of a gift. It drives me crazy when brides/grooms think someone owes them a wedding. Or when they aren't grateful enough of someone's contribution to stay within budget. It screams spoiled and reminds me of toddlers in tiaras/my super sweet sixteen. 

I also think its hilarious/obnoxious when "luxury brides" act like money/things are all that matters and act like they're next to royalty...except they're spending their parents' money. Awesome!

I agree that money is not the end all/be all. However, just because someone's parents offer to pay for a substantial part of a wedding as a generous gift doesn't mean that the couple themselves can't pick up the tab. Should a parent pay $30K for a new car when someone turns 16? Should parents drop $200k+ just so their kid can attend an ivy league school? Maybe not, but if someone's parents offer, then it's very gracious and thoughtful of them and they are doing it because they care.

I also agree cruffino- this post is getting judgy VERY quickly. We don't know the circumstances of anyone's choices. It would be rude to judge someone spending $3K and calling them "cheap" or "frugal" just like it's rude to call someone spending $100K "spoiled" without knowing the circumstances.

I agree with you. I think what I'm trying to say is how obnoxious it is when people spending others' money act ungrateful and entitled. IMHO there are two ways to accept a gift: graciously and ungraciously. I don't care if it's a gift where the parents can only offer the mother's old wedding dress or a gift where the parents are throwing a lavish affair and spending hundreds of thousands. Whether the recipient of those gifts could afford to buy her own dress or pay for her own lavish affair is irrelevant. 

If the recipient of either gift acts as if they are entitled to that gift and/or that they deserve more, I side-eye it. 

Nicmorrison14

No no no... Ladies. I agree with pretty much all of you. Like I said before, it IS all about perspective. I didn't make it clear so much in my OP (my fault) but I said, if you have it and want to spend it, fine. It's not my money. even if I had the money, I personally wouldn't spend that much by that's MY perspective. The whole point of this wasn't so much the money thing...it was her attitude toward her parents. Like I said in the previous post (which I think some of you may have skipped over because you would understand I'm agreeing for the most part)...

Nicmorrison14 said:

So, I'm really trying not to by judge-y here....but I just looked at "luxury weddings" because I was bored. I came across a discussion about budgets. Now, don't get me wrong, if YOU and your FIANCE have tons of money and choose to spend it on a lavish wedding ( I personally would rather save it) then by all means, go for it, but if your parents or in laws are paying for it, how do you not even give a second thought about things? I came across one bride saying that they're basically doing what they want and inviting unGodly amounts of people for a $95,000 budget that they will likely go over, but it's ok because her parents are paying for it. NINETY FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS. Are you effing kidding me?! What if your parents care that you go over?! This whole thing sounds incredibly selfish to me. My parents are chipping in x amount of dollars (meaning under 8k) toward our venue and we are SUPER grateful. It will not cover all of the 180 guests we invited so WE are paying the difference...not asking my parents for more money. I just don't understand how people can throw other people's money around. I mean, maybe her parent sare okay with going over..I don't know because she didn't say. It was just the way it sounded to me.... like "oh, no big deal it's not our money". Ugh.

It was just her "internet attitude" that rubbed me the wrong way. Be thankful for the money you were given...don't expect more. That's all

Jells2dot0

Nicmorrison14 said:

No no no... Ladies. I agree with pretty much all of you. Like I said before, it IS all about perspective. I didn't make it clear so much in my OP (my fault) but I said, if you have it and want to spend it, fine. It's not my money. even if I had the money, I personally wouldn't spend that much by that's MY perspective. The whole point of this wasn't so much the money thing...it was her attitude toward her parents. Like I said in the previous post (which I think some of you may have skipped over because you would understand I'm agreeing for the most part)...

Nicmorrison14 said:

So, I'm really trying not to by judge-y here....but I just looked at "luxury weddings" because I was bored. I came across a discussion about budgets. Now, don't get me wrong, if YOU and your FIANCE have tons of money and choose to spend it on a lavish wedding ( I personally would rather save it) then by all means, go for it, but if your parents or in laws are paying for it, how do you not even give a second thought about things? I came across one bride saying that they're basically doing what they want and inviting unGodly amounts of people for a $95,000 budget that they will likely go over, but it's ok because her parents are paying for it. NINETY FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS. Are you effing kidding me?! What if your parents care that you go over?! This whole thing sounds incredibly selfish to me. My parents are chipping in x amount of dollars (meaning under 8k) toward our venue and we are SUPER grateful. It will not cover all of the 180 guests we invited so WE are paying the difference...not asking my parents for more money. I just don't understand how people can throw other people's money around. I mean, maybe her parent sare okay with going over..I don't know because she didn't say. It was just the way it sounded to me.... like "oh, no big deal it's not our money". Ugh.

It was just her "internet attitude" that rubbed me the wrong way. Be thankful for the money you were given...don't expect more. That's all

I went back and read that post. I do see what you're saying. However, we don't know the facts. Maybe she already cleared it with her parents that she was going to go over. Or maybe she is okay with going over because she knows she can cover the overage herself. This is one of the reasons I hate the internet (we have a love-hate relationship!). We can only go by how we perceive the statement and everyone perceives it differently.

grumbledore

It's absolutely relative.  I'm trying to spend under $5K - to me having $25K to spend would be like a fantasy.  But if I made 10x what I do, I would spend more because I could.

Cokezerofreak

In all honesty, I think if my parents had the money for a lavish wedding, I'd spend it. 

There was one venue I fell in love with but even having a small wedding on a weekday was out of the budget ($7k).  I'm really conscious of what my parents are giving me, asking everyone for military discounts during quotes, using coupons, making invitations myself, not ordering UNnecessary things, etc. but also trying to have a nice romantic wedding.  I think about the money they are giving me every day, and am totally grateful.  I would never go above what they are giving me and expect them to pay.

Edit:  sorry, had necessary instead of unnecessary

Nicmorrison14

^ exactly what I was trying to say. You graciously accepted a gift and are being respectful by abiding by it... not asking for more. Bravo

FutureMrsN3312

To each his own.

When we first started wedding planning I thought we could get away with spending 40k.  To host our guests the way we want and for the things that are important to us we had to expand our budget.  Some people think its a waste, (and have commented on it numerous times) but we're paying for it all so I feel it's our money let us spend it how we want.

I never had a sweet 16 (my dad had just gotten hurt at work then fired), never had a graduation party (HS my parents were paying for hospice for my grandfather, College my dad was really sick) so for me I'm willing to save and cut back on things to have what I want for the wedding.

That doesn't make my our wedding any better than anyone else's.  I've had friends that spend a minimal amount and others that had their parents take out a second mortgage.  In all circumstances we were hosted properly and I got to witness my friends marry their loves.  That's something you really can't put a price-tag on.

Jells2dot0

FutureMrsN3312 said:

To each his own.

When we first started wedding planning I thought we could get away with spending 40k.  To host our guests the way we want and for the things that are important to us we had to expand our budget.  Some people think its a waste, (and have commented on it numerous times) but we're paying for it all so I feel it's our money let us spend it how we want.

I never had a sweet 16 (my dad had just gotten hurt at work then fired), never had a graduation party (HS my parents were paying for hospice for my grandfather, College my dad was really sick) so for me I'm willing to save and cut back on things to have what I want for the wedding.

That doesn't make my our wedding any better than anyone else's.  I've had friends that spend a minimal amount and others that had their parents take out a second mortgage.  In all circumstances we were hosted properly and I got to witness my friends marry their loves.  That's something you really can't put a price-tag on.

DUMBEST.IDEA.EVER!!!!

 

When my DH got ma

FutureMrsN3312

@Jells2dot0

Couldn't agree more!  They felt guilty not being able to give their daughter a wedding.  Not something I would do but it's their money.

Jells2dot0

WTH? My post got cut off! Or is my web browser acting up? Again, love/hate relationship with the net!!!

 

Edit: spelling

cruffino

Marshmallow22 said:

I once spent a couple minutes surfing the Luxury Weddings board. It *Instantly* made me and my $20k budget feel like I was a hobo setting up a party in an abandoned parking lot. lol.

Honestly, I think a lot of it is location. Have the same party in NYC or St. Louis or Phoenix, and the costs will be so different. $20k in one place is chicken and another it's surf and turf.

I like to watch house hunters on hgtv, and I'm amazed at the variation in home prices. I get so pissed because I live in NYC and a half mil only gets you a 400 square foot walk up studio.

LakeR2014

Our budget to buy our first HOUSE is $95,000