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ehutmacher

blueobsidian

Where is your FI in all this?  He needs to be the one to tell his mother that she is being bossy and inappropriate.  He also needs to tell her that you are going to be his wife and she needs to treat you with respect.  If he isn't willing to stand up for you, the problems aren't going to stop after the wedding.

OliveOilsMom

ehutmacher said:

I have been engaged for just 3 weeks and already my FMIL is creating drama and issues.....ugh!  Like many others, I have had a rocky relationship with FMIL for the last 6 years that I've been in a relationship with her son.  I have gone out of my way to be nice and polite to her, but nothing I do will ever be good enough for her.  I could write a novel on all the nasty things she has done, including searching through my suitcase and reading private messages from my cellphone, telling her son that I was a phony who was just using him for his car, and overall making me out to be the girl that "ruined her Son's life".  Despite all this, I have always tried to keep the peace and I made the mistake of telling her I wanted her to feel included in the wedding planning process.  What was I thinking???  She came to visit this weekend and my fiance and I told her we found our dream wedding venue.  Before even hearing the details she had her trademark frown on her face and after a minute of silence, said "I liked the venues I found better!"...............  She begrudgingly went to take a look at the venue herself and sent us a text that read "This is NOT the place you will be getting married.....you need to find a venue that accommodates at LEAST 175 people".......  Here is my question....how do I nicely tell my FMIL that while we welcome her opinions, we do NOT welcome bossy and inappropriate behavior?  Is it even possible to include someone in your wedding planning process when you know they will have nothing but negative opinions the entire time?

Ditto PP.  It should be your FI who deals with his mom.  He needs to say "Mom, we really like the venue we found.  It is perfect for the wedding that we want to have." 

Who is paying for the wedding?  If you and FI are paying 100% of the wedding yourselves, then you get to decide everything yourselves.  If you are accepting any monetary donations from your parents, they may want to have a say in how their money is used.  So I would recommend that you decline any offers of money from FMIL, so that she cannot take over your wedding.  I would also keep her on a need to know business.  She can't complain about your wedding plans if she does not know what they are.

MobKaz

Who is paying for the wedding and reception?  

If FMIL is contributing monetarily to the wedding, then she will expect a say in your choices.  If she is not contributing, then it is up to YOU and your FI to minimize her input by minimizing the information you share with her.  The less you share the less she will be able to argue.  

You have a history with your FMIL.  You are responsible to learn lessons from past mistakes, such as leaving your phone accessible to a meddling busy body.  Don't open conversations in which you do not want her input.  If you know her input will be negative, don't ask for it.  

There are ways to include her without opening yourself up to criticism.  But if it truly is the only attitude she displays, why would you want to include her?

doeydo

1.  Who is paying for the wedding?  It generally goes "he/she who pays gets a say".  However, if she does/did offer money, you don't have to accept it and can therefore plan you wedding without her input.

2.  Don't discuss anything wedding or planning related with her.  If she brings it up, change the subject.

3.  Hold strong to what you and your FI want.  It isn't her wedding so she doesn't get to say "This is NOT the place you are getting married".  You could respond by saying "Oh, actually it is where FI and I are going to get married.  Hey, watch this new trick I taught Benji" (providing you have a dog named Benji, but you get the idea about changing the subject).

4.  Have your FI talk to her (which he should have done already) about how she needs to back off and that you and him are going to be doing the majority of the planning.

KeptInStitches

You have to have your FI talk to her. How has he let her disrespect you this long?

MobKaz

First time poster + DD = Typical Special Snowflake Mentality

allispain

I don't understand the DD - OP got good advice here.