Giving of the bride

jlperr

My mom is no longer with us. When the minister asks who gives this bride, after my dad says "I do", do you think it's ok to have my stepmom say "and in honor of her mother, I do"?

Jen4948

I would not have your stepmom say this.  Your father could say "My wife and I do" in reference to your stepmom if you don't mind her giving you away as well.  But only living persons can "give you away."  Plus, I think it's not fair to make your stepmom say "in honor of her mother."  She is your father's wife in her own right and whatever she says should not make her look like she is solely standing in your mother's place.

That said, there are beautiful and appropriate ways to remember your mother.  You can wear or carry something she owned or that is affiliated with her, you can give her a tribute in a wedding program, and you can provide food, drinks, decorations, and entertainment that your mother would have enjoyed. 

What would be out of place would be to treat your mother as though she were living or to have a blatant "memorial" for her because that can be too grief-evoking on what should be a happy occasion.  Thus, her name doesn't go on invitations, and I would refrain from having empty seats "reserved" for her.

MobKaz

jlperr said:

My mom is no longer with us. When the minister asks who gives this bride, after my dad says "I do", do you think it's ok to have my stepmom say "and in honor of her mother, I do"?

I cannot remember the last time I heard this phrase used during a wedding.  The simplest solution would be to ask the minister to leave the phrase out of the ceremony.  Once your dad escorts you to your groom, he can simply give you a hug and kiss, shake FI's hand, and seat himself.

jlperr

I couldn't leave it out.  I like the tradition of it.  I'm cutting a lot of our traditional Christain ceremony things out.  But, thanks for the thought.

jlperr

Ok, I get what you mean.  My stepmom and mother were friends actually (my dad and stepmom started dating about 7 years after my mom passed away); so I just wasn't sure.  I love my stepmom, but I will not have my father say that.  She didn't raise me.  I will find a wording that works for me.  Thank you for your input.  It was nice to have some to say if they thought it was a bad idea for her to say anything.

doeydo

Your father can just say "I do" as typically, mothers don't even say anything in this, and I think would be inappropriate and disrespectful to your mom if you had your stepmom say "I do" too...

WonderRed

"Her family and I do."

Dreamergirl8812

Why would your step-mom speak for your mother? That seems disrespectful to both of them.

SP29

In many cases, even with the MOB sitting right there, it is the father who says "I do", unless the MOB also walks the bride down the aisle. So you could leave it just for your father to say. I have also seen a version where both families (B&G's) parents addressed by the officiant and they respond "we do" (even with the bridge escorted only by her father). 

mimiphin

I would be HIGHLY offended if this happened at my wedding- as in hide the guns offended.

My mother passed away when she was 40, I was 15 at the time. No one can take her place. If you want your Dad to say something in reference to this he could say "We do" in reference to both your mother and step-mother. That's what I was planning on doing but my dad isn't walking me down the aisle anymore.

I just want to say that this is a very personal decision and just because I would be offended doesn't mean you would be as well, or that other people would.

Note: I disagree with not having her name on the invitations(IF YOU want), my invites are going to look something like "Mimiphin, Daughter of Mr. Mimiphin and the Late Mrs. Mimiphin," to me it helps answer the questions for people that don't know that she has past away, and she is still my mum, her being dead doesn't change that.

~All the best!

erinlin25

we did not even use the line in our ceremony. My dad gave me away (mom and dad are still married) but we (dad & I)  just got to the end of the aisle and he shook my husbands hand and put my hand in his and we walked to our revered together.

007sunygirl

First, I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother. It must be difficult to plan this day without her.

I think you should ask your dad, in a general sense, what he thinks he should say when then the minister/priest/pastor asks "who gives this woman.". I've heard both - my friends parents were divorced so her father answered I do (she lived with her mom and they were very close) and my other friend whose parents are still together both stood together and said we do. I think it totally fine for you dad just to say I do.

I also don't know what kind of relationship you have with your step-mom. If you're close, she might not mind saying that. Or you might speak to your father and he might prefer that it just be him.

ktjanesmom

Well typically I think the "answer" is  "her mother and I" .  In this case I think "I do" would work fine.

jdblnn

I would stick to just your dad saying something.  "Her family and I do," or "Her mother and I do," or simply "I do" seems sufficent to me. 

If you are looking for ways to honor your mother, there are some other nice ways of doing it that are a bit more private.  My FI's parents passed away as did my father.  We are doing a unity candle ceremony, but rather than lighting the unity candle from candles light by the moms, we are lighting it from memorial candles to our parents.  We're not making a production out of it, but we know what the candles represent.  Some other ways are to make a note in the program to her, you could wear something of hers as your "something old," you could carry a special flower which symbolizes her for you.  You could have a handkerchief with her initals monogrammed on it go around your bouquet. 

It's tough at weddings when you are missing someone who is so important to the day, but, in my opinion, any memorial should be a bit more private.  It's a way of your to honor your mom, not make a tribute to her. Good luck! 

Alex3Mom

If you have to include this question, I like the response, "She gives herself in marriage with the blessing of her family."

Onceinalovetime

Alex3Mom said:

If you have to include this question, I like the response, "She gives herself in marriage with the blessing of her family."

 

 

THIS. Love it