Adult-only Wedding - suggestions from experience

nseguin

Hello friends!

My fiancé and I decided we do not want children at our wedding (this includes teenage cousins as well). I searched the message boards of every website imaginable and racked my brain for wording that wasn't offensive but was firm. We included a "note" on the back of our Save the Dates to give everyone fair warning, that way there will be no confusion when we send out the invites. We plan to include another note on the invite and we also plan to advise our guests that we've reserved "#" of seats for them. This will hopefully eliminate surprise children guests, and also any randoms. Our wedding is very small, 65 people with most as couples that are either married, dating long term, or engaged. We are also paying for it ourselves, so we're being very conscious of the spending (we have a home that we are renovating as well).

The feedback we received so far has been good, everyone with children seems to be happy at the prospect of a night out away from the kids so that's good. Here's the wording we used:

"Dear Guest(s), We respectfully wish to inform you that our special day is an adult-only event. We hope to see you on September 5, 2014! Thank you, Mark & Natalie"

Our ceremony and reception are in the same venue, in rooms side by side so we couldn't have it an adult-only reception, there's no downtime in between and most of our guests are traveling more than 10 minutes from home.

Don't fret too much about it, I did and wish I hadn't because the feedback has been awesome. I think you know how your guests are in general about this sort of stuff and you've probably gauged their potential reaction before even sending out the "notice"..and that one with the bad attitude you're really worried about? Wording isn't going to change the reaction and you know it. They're just that sort of person, so why worry about it when you know it can't be controlled? Be firm, be happy and be married

Best of luck xoxo
Nat

harper0813

I'm sorry, I can't agree with or support what you did. I urge you to re-think including a note on your invitation. Give your guests the benefit of the doubt - I'd imagine they are smart and considerate people - and just address the invitations to those who are invited. If they turn out not to be so smart or considerate after all and tack on extra guests, give them a quick call to kindly remind them that the invitation was meant for [names] only and you hope they can still come.

To include a note is no less rude than jotting "adults only" on the invite or STD itself. You are assuming your guests are dumb.

I wish you would have asked us first - we could have helped you out! However, I am glad you posted before creating your invitations. We can save you from making the same mistake on them, at least.

aurianna

nseguin said:

Hello friends!

My fiancé and I decided we do not want children at our wedding (this includes teenage cousins as well). I searched the message boards of every website imaginable and racked my brain for wording that wasn't offensive but was firm. We included a "note" on the back of our Save the Dates to give everyone fair warning, that way there will be no confusion when we send out the invites. We plan to include another note on the invite and we also plan to advise our guests that we've reserved "#" of seats for them. This will hopefully eliminate surprise children guests, and also any randoms. Our wedding is very small, 65 people with most as couples that are either married, dating long term, or engaged. We are also paying for it ourselves, so we're being very conscious of the spending (we have a home that we are renovating as well).

The feedback we received so far has been good, everyone with children seems to be happy at the prospect of a night out away from the kids so that's good. Here's the wording we used:

"Dear Guest(s), We respectfully wish to inform you that our special day is an adult-only event. We hope to see you on September 5, 2014! Thank you, Mark & Natalie"

Our ceremony and reception are in the same venue, in rooms side by side so we couldn't have it an adult-only reception, there's no downtime in between and most of our guests are traveling more than 10 minutes from home.

Don't fret too much about it, I did and wish I hadn't because the feedback has been awesome. I think you know how your guests are in general about this sort of stuff and you've probably gauged their potential reaction before even sending out the "notice"..and that one with the bad attitude you're really worried about? Wording isn't going to change the reaction and you know it. They're just that sort of person, so why worry about it when you know it can't be controlled? Be firm, be happy and be married

Best of luck xoxo
Nat

All brides reading this that might be thinking of doing the same...

Do NOT put a note in the save the date or invite that it is adults only. It is very rude to point out who is NOT invited on a wedding invitation.

Instead, just write the names of exactly who is invited on the invitations.
On the response card itself feel free to put something like "2 seats have been reserved in your honor." So they know it's just two. You can also customize the response cards to say:
Mr. Invitee's name   accepts regrets
Ms. Invitee's name  accepts regrets

We had a spot where guests wrote their names/initials next to their meal choices so we knew who was planning on coming.

And if you tell a few key players like your Future mother-in law and the bridal party and such, they will spread by word-of-mouth to the families that it's adult only if it comes up in conversation.


Having adult only weddings are completely fine. But spelling out on the document that is supposed to welcome people to the party who is NOT invited is rude, and it's also insulting to the invitee, like they don't understand how invites work.

Don't listen to OPs advice.

ETA:
I know OP is trying to be helpful and that is much appreciated. It came from a good place, however it is not proper etiquette.

aurianna

dp

climbingsingle

This is bad advice. If you want a kids-free wedding, spread the word among your friends and family. Address the invites to the adults only. They'll get the hint. Putting "Adults Only" on your STDs or invites is rude. 

Jen4948

What you did is not appropriate.

There is no polite way to word an invitation to indicate who is not invited.  You should have just addressed your invitations to the adults and left off the no-children wording, and if anyone still didn't understand that their kids weren't invited, you could have called them to clarify this.

Salsera29

nseguin said:

Hello friends!

My fiancé and I decided we do not want children at our wedding (this includes teenage cousins as well). I searched the message boards of every website imaginable and racked my brain for wording that wasn't offensive but was firm. We included a "note" on the back of our Save the Dates to give everyone fair warning, that way there will be no confusion when we send out the invites. We plan to include another note on the invite and we also plan to advise our guests that we've reserved "#" of seats for them. This will hopefully eliminate surprise children guests, and also any randoms. Our wedding is very small, 65 people with most as couples that are either married, dating long term, or engaged. We are also paying for it ourselves, so we're being very conscious of the spending (we have a home that we are renovating as well).

The feedback we received so far has been good, everyone with children seems to be happy at the prospect of a night out away from the kids so that's good. Here's the wording we used:

"Dear Guest(s), We respectfully wish to inform you that our special day is an adult-only event. We hope to see you on September 5, 2014! Thank you, Mark & Natalie"

Our ceremony and reception are in the same venue, in rooms side by side so we couldn't have it an adult-only reception, there's no downtime in between and most of our guests are traveling more than 10 minutes from home.

Don't fret too much about it, I did and wish I hadn't because the feedback has been awesome. I think you know how your guests are in general about this sort of stuff and you've probably gauged their potential reaction before even sending out the "notice"..and that one with the bad attitude you're really worried about? Wording isn't going to change the reaction and you know it. They're just that sort of person, so why worry about it when you know it can't be controlled? Be firm, be happy and be married

Best of luck xoxo
Nat

I highly doubt the bolded. People said to you, "Great job putting that notice on the STD's, we never would have figured out our kids weren't invited otherwise!"??? If anybody said ANYTHING positive to you about that, they were lying. I promise.

To other brides, this is terrible advice. You never, ever, ever tell people who ISN'T invited. 

SKPM

Unfortunately, this is not the "suggestions from experience" board, this is an etiquette-focused board, and your approach was not in line with proper etiquette.

For anyone who has not yet mailed STDs/invitations, it is more appropriate to address the envelopes to the individuals who are invited and clear up any additions on the RSVP card by phone on an individual basis.

harper0813

Salsera29 said:

nseguin said:

Hello friends!

My fiancé and I decided we do not want children at our wedding (this includes teenage cousins as well). I searched the message boards of every website imaginable and racked my brain for wording that wasn't offensive but was firm. We included a "note" on the back of our Save the Dates to give everyone fair warning, that way there will be no confusion when we send out the invites. We plan to include another note on the invite and we also plan to advise our guests that we've reserved "#" of seats for them. This will hopefully eliminate surprise children guests, and also any randoms. Our wedding is very small, 65 people with most as couples that are either married, dating long term, or engaged. We are also paying for it ourselves, so we're being very conscious of the spending (we have a home that we are renovating as well).

The feedback we received so far has been good, everyone with children seems to be happy at the prospect of a night out away from the kids so that's good. Here's the wording we used:

"Dear Guest(s), We respectfully wish to inform you that our special day is an adult-only event. We hope to see you on September 5, 2014! Thank you, Mark & Natalie"

Our ceremony and reception are in the same venue, in rooms side by side so we couldn't have it an adult-only reception, there's no downtime in between and most of our guests are traveling more than 10 minutes from home.

Don't fret too much about it, I did and wish I hadn't because the feedback has been awesome. I think you know how your guests are in general about this sort of stuff and you've probably gauged their potential reaction before even sending out the "notice"..and that one with the bad attitude you're really worried about? Wording isn't going to change the reaction and you know it. They're just that sort of person, so why worry about it when you know it can't be controlled? Be firm, be happy and be married

Best of luck xoxo
Nat

I highly doubt the bolded. People said to you, "Great job putting that notice on the STD's, we never would have figured out our kids weren't invited otherwise!"??? If anybody said ANYTHING positive to you about that, they were lying. I promise.

To other brides, this is terrible advice. You never, ever, ever tell people who ISN'T invited. 

Great point. I'm sure nseguin went around to invitees and asked if the message was okay and everyone said, "Yeah, sure," and wondered how stupid she thought they were.

JoanE2012

OP - You are giving bad advice.

For the record, we are in our 30s and have lots of friends and family with kids.  We simply addressed the invite to the adults.  We had over 100 adults invited. We had NOT ONE person ask to bring their kids.  And NOT ONE person showed up with their kids at the wedding.  It wasn't even an issue.  Don't make it be one. 

NYCMercedes

To quote you, "..and that one with the bad attitude you're really worried about? Wording isn't going to change the reaction and you know it. They're just that sort of person, so why worry about it when you know it can't be controlled?..." This seems to be the pot calling the kettle black. Who is the one in this thread that is not going to change, regardless of the bad wording and bad etiquette?

Swazzle

Terrible advice. 

I addressed each STD and invitation to exactly who WAS being invited to my wedding. 

Guess who RSVPed? The people who I had clearly invited on the envelope. 

Guess who showed up? The people who were clearly invited on the envelope and who RSVPed yes.  

Guess what else? I didn't include a tacky, rude note anywhere stating who was NOT being invited. 

It's just CRAZY how these things work.

southernbelle0915

This is terrible advice that is completely against etiquette (for anyone on the etiquette board seeking good etiquette advice).

It is never good etiquette to state who is NOT invited (e.g. "adults only" "no kids", etc.). 

SPEAKING FROM EXPERIENCE, I had a kid free wedding. We addressed our invitation to only those invited. Our RSVPs were completely within etiquette. They said:

"We look forward to celebrating with you!

Name(s)___________________

___# attending

___ decline with regret"

If someone RSVP'd with names of people who weren't invited or numbers that didn't match who was invited, we could follow up. Voila! Kid free wedding and good etiquette. You CAN have it all!!!

itzMS

The OP has bad advice.

As much as you want to think you can control every little aspect your speshul day, you can't.

Treating adults like they don't know how to RSVP is ridiculous.

 

I will say we didn't invite kids (addressed the invites only to the adults). We still had guests show up with small kids, anyways. We had no idea, and there was nothing we could do about it that wouldn't make me look like the world's biggest bridezilla. Guess what? The world didn't end. DH & I are still married.

 

aurianna

nseguin said:

Hello friends!

My fiancé and I decided we do not want children at our wedding (this includes teenage cousins as well). I searched the message boards of every website imaginable and racked my brain for wording that wasn't offensive but was firm. We included a "note" on the back of our Save the Dates to give everyone fair warning, that way there will be no confusion when we send out the invites. We plan to include another note on the invite and we also plan to advise our guests that we've reserved "#" of seats for them. This will hopefully eliminate surprise children guests, and also any randoms. Our wedding is very small, 65 people with most as couples that are either married, dating long term, or engaged. We are also paying for it ourselves, so we're being very conscious of the spending (we have a home that we are renovating as well).


Best of luck xoxo
Nat

@nseguin

Oh and I meant to ask about the bolded.
Is it just that you happened to only invite people who were married, engaged or in a "long term" relationship, or are you saying that you only invited people's significant others if they fit in that classification?
Hopefully it's the former, but if it's the latter, when invites go out you need to invite every single guest's significant other, no matter how long they have been dating.

It is not up to a host to judge the seriousness of one's relationship by putting an arbitrary time-line on what makes the relationship committed. So anyone that thinks him or herself in a relationship should be invited to your wedding with their SO, because they are a social unit.

If you just meant that you happened to not invite any single people though, then I'm sorry for the confusion.

ceceibson

Terrible advice.

And why is it those with terrible advice insist on calling their wedding their SPECIAL day.

Gag.

AprilH81

I swear if I read "its your/my/our special day" on one more post, ad, website, etc. my head will explode.

Yes, it is a special day for the couple involved but it is not YOUR day.  You have guests and they need to be hosted properly.  

PrettyGirlLost

ceceibson said:

Terrible advice.

And why is it those with terrible advice insist on calling their wedding their SPECIAL day.

Gag.

I had a friend whose sister referred to her wedding as her Most Beautiful, Perfect, Special Day. . . all.the.time.

MandyMost

AprilH81 said:

I swear if I read "its your/my/our special day" on one more post, ad, website, etc. my head will explode.

Yes, it is a special day for the couple involved but it is not YOUR day.  You have guests and they need to be hosted properly.  

The second you invite a guest you become a host, and the day becomes about your guests and not you. If you want a day all about YOU, then don't invite any guests!

caramel445

I wish I was as lucky as you all.  Even though kids were not named on our invitations, people still responded and included their kids.  Talk about being put in a very awkward position!  I feel as if etiquette has been lost on some quests.  I didn't even get a phone call to confirm that it was ok.

AprilH81

MandyMost said:

AprilH81 said:

I swear if I read "its your/my/our special day" on one more post, ad, website, etc. my head will explode.

Yes, it is a special day for the couple involved but it is not YOUR day.  You have guests and they need to be hosted properly.  

The second you invite a guest you become a host, and the day becomes about your guests and not you. If you want a day all about YOU, then don't invite any guests!

I'm confused, are you trying to correct my post or agree with me?  

grumbledore

Please don't suggest that people NOT follow proper etiquette on the Etiquette board. I'm glad it worked out for you and sincerely hope that no one was offended and just didn't say anything, but to suggest that others not worry about being rude on a board 100% dedicated to helping couples avoid etiquette missteps is just not right.

OliveOilsMom

caramel445 said:

I wish I was as lucky as you all.  Even though kids were not named on our invitations, people still responded and included their kids.  Talk about being put in a very awkward position!  I feel as if etiquette has been lost on some quests.  I didn't even get a phone call to confirm that it was ok.

@caramel445 If people responded by adding their kids, you or FI (depending whose family it is) should call up that guest and explain that you are sorry, but the invitation was for Mr & Mrs only, Johnny and Little Suzy cannot be accomodated.  If the guest then tries to say they can't come without their kids, you simply say you are sorry, and they will be missed at the wedding.  We had 1 guest add in their daughter and H called them and explained the invitation was only for the parents.  H's friend apologized for adding the daughter and that was that.

RebeccaB88

This post was from last September. I think the problem has probably been solved by now.