I'd prefer to not be tacky about this, but...

mrsbuzzlightyear

My reception venue is a country club with a relatively strict "no jeans" rule -- the woman at the venue who has been handling all my wedding plans did make sure to tell us this, so I know my reception isn't going to be an exception to this rule.

I've scanned the boards and I'm a bit conflicted: I don't want to offend my guests by implying that they'd be tacky enough to wear denim to my wedding, so I'm really, really hesitant to put that on my invitations (plus, I mean, I know it's bad etiquette to do that). I also don't want them to think that I'm being picky on what they wear. Ordinarily, I'd just kind of roll my eyes and brush it off. On the other hand, I know some of my guests would, in fact, be the type of people to wear denim to my wedding/reception -- which, okay, yeah, that's not a big deal except that they will not be allowed to come to the reception if they are in jeans. I've seen it mentioned in a few threads that it's okay to put such dress code restrictions on invitations when it's an actual rule, not just the bride's preference, but in other threads I've seen it mentioned that it is never acceptable to put dress code on the invitation. 

Is there a tactful way to do this? I've thought about maybe just putting it on a wedding website with all that other doesn't-go-on-the-invite jazz. But it's just as likely that no one will read that. Would putting it on a separate insert card in the invitation be acceptable? Or should I go with my gut reaction to just not say anything and hope people will actually dress accordingly?

southernbelle0915

mrsbuzzlightyear said: My reception venue is a country club with a relatively strict "no jeans" rule -- the woman at the venue who has been handling all my wedding plans did make sure to tell us this, so I know my reception isn't going to be an exception to this rule.
I've scanned the boards and I'm a bit conflicted: I don't want to offend my guests by implying that they'd be tacky enough to wear denim to my wedding, so I'm really, really hesitant to put that on my invitations (plus, I mean, I know it's bad etiquette to do that). I also don't want them to think that I'm being picky on what they wear. Ordinarily, I'd just kind of roll my eyes and brush it off. On the other hand, I know some of my guests would, in fact, be the type of people to wear denim to my wedding/reception -- which, okay, yeah, that's not a big deal except that they will not be allowed to come to the reception if they are in jeans. I've seen it mentioned in a few threads that it's okay to put such dress code restrictions on invitations when it's an actual rule, not just the bride's preference, but in other threads I've seen it mentioned that it is never acceptable to put dress code on the invitation. 
Is there a tactful way to do this? I've thought about maybe just putting it on a wedding website with all that other doesn't-go-on-the-invite jazz. But it's just as likely that no one will read that. Would putting it on a separate insert card in the invitation be acceptable? Or should I go with my gut reaction to just not say anything and hope people will actually dress accordingly?
________________________________

If there is a dress code required by the venue (e.g. no jeans, jacket, etc.) you can reference that. I would word it so that it's clear it's the venue's requirement, not yours.

ETA: fucking quote boxes.

banana468

Rather than say what isn't allowed, you can put the venue requirement on your response card.

"Dress pants for gentlemen required by venue"

MandyMost

Personally, I would make sure that someone mentions it to the guests who you think are likely offenders (like your mom can mention it to your uncle, if he's one of the likely offenders). 

I would CONSIDER putting it on the wedding website, in a section about info on the venue. I've seen wedding websites that copy-and-paste a little blurb about the venue, something like "Country Club X was established in 1922 for elite golfers. It has rolling hills and 2 golf courses. The reception will be held at the Fancy Ballroom, built in 1945. Due to it's storied history, Country Club X maintains a variety of vintage guest requirements, such as no jeans at any events". 

itzMS

So you're telling me that the venue coordinator would with 100% certainty kick people out of your reception if they were in jeans?

I doubt it.

misshart00

itzMS said:

So you're telling me that the venue coordinator would with 100% certainty kick people out of your reception if they were in jeans?

I doubt it.

Um, yes.  A lot of clubs are very strict about dress code and won't let people in if they are not appropriately dressed.

NYCBruin

I am in a similar predicament.  Our venue has a dress code that I imagine most of our guests would abide by anyways so I don't want to insult anyone, but I also don't want anyone turned away at the door.  Our current plan is to include on the reception card:

"Please note that (Venue's) dress code requires X, Y, or Z"

grumbledore

My reception venue is a country club with a relatively strict "no jeans" rule -- the woman at the venue who has been handling all my wedding plans did make sure to tell us this, so I know my reception isn't going to be an exception to this rule.

I've scanned the boards and I'm a bit conflicted: I don't want to offend my guests by implying that they'd be tacky enough to wear denim to my wedding, so I'm really, really hesitant to put that on my invitations (plus, I mean, I know it's bad etiquette to do that). I also don't want them to think that I'm being picky on what they wear. Ordinarily, I'd just kind of roll my eyes and brush it off. On the other hand, I know some of my guests would, in fact, be the type of people to wear denim to my wedding/reception -- which, okay, yeah, that's not a big deal except that they will not be allowed to come to the reception if they are in jeans. I've seen it mentioned in a few threads that it's okay to put such dress code restrictions on invitations when it's an actual rule, not just the bride's preference, but in other threads I've seen it mentioned that it is never acceptable to put dress code on the invitation. 

Is there a tactful way to do this? I've thought about maybe just putting it on a wedding website with all that other doesn't-go-on-the-invite jazz. But it's just as likely that no one will read that. Would putting it on a separate insert card in the invitation be acceptable? Or should I go with my gut reaction to just not say anything and hope people will actually dress accordingly?

Your venue has a dress code, therefore it is appropriate to inform your guests as they will need to be properly attired to gain entrance to the venue. Saying nothing when you know that some people will not come appropriately attired would be impolite. 

I would probably do an insert stating that the venue has a dress code and it is ___________.

grumbledore

misshart00 said:

itzMS said:

So you're telling me that the venue coordinator would with 100% certainty kick people out of your reception if they were in jeans?

I doubt it.

Um, yes.  A lot of clubs are very strict about dress code and won't let people in if they are not appropriately dressed.

This.  It is entirely possible that people would not be allowed into the reception without proper attire.  Many clubs have similar rules.

ElcaB

MandyMost said:

Personally, I would make sure that someone mentions it to the guests who you think are likely offenders (like your mom can mention it to your uncle, if he's one of the likely offenders). 

I would CONSIDER putting it on the wedding website, in a section about info on the venue. I've seen wedding websites that copy-and-paste a little blurb about the venue, something like "Country Club X was established in 1922 for elite golfers. It has rolling hills and 2 golf courses. The reception will be held at the Fancy Ballroom, built in 1945. Due to it's storied history, Country Club X maintains a variety of vintage guest requirements, such as no jeans at any events". 

Mandy is right, except don't just consider adding it to the website, do. May I suggest this GIF, with the copy, "Just make sure your pants aren't denim," at the bottom? 

mrsbuzzlightyear

@ElcaB FI and I actually both have a sense of humor that perfectly matches that gif... And since wedding websites are supposed to be fun, I may just do that!

To everyone else, thank you for your input! I just wanted to make sure I didn't do anything wrong (because who wants to be known as "that bride with the tacky invitation manners"?)

NYCBruin

itzMS said:

So you're telling me that the venue coordinator would with 100% certainty kick people out of your reception if they were in jeans?

I doubt it.

Yes.  Clubs with dress codes tend to enforce them.  They have dress codes for a reason.  I've seen people turned away from clubs for not being properly attired.  I would hate for that to happen to a wedding guest.

itzMS

 

misshart00 said:

itzMS said:

So you're telling me that the venue coordinator would with 100% certainty kick people out of your reception if they were in jeans?

I doubt it.

Um, yes.  A lot of clubs are very strict about dress code and won't let people in if they are not appropriately dressed.

I've heard of this for a religious venue, but never a place where you're paying them to have your event.

Usually, it's a "customer is always right" type of situation when it comes to wedding reception venues.

I just would find it incredibly offensive if someone was at the door policing what my guests are wearing. I get the "no labels, no baggy jeans, no hats, no gang attire" type of dress code thing at night clubs...but a wedding reception? Wow.

Sorry.

 

misshart00

 

misshart00 said:

itzMS said:

So you're telling me that the venue coordinator would with 100% certainty kick people out of your reception if they were in jeans?

I doubt it.

Um, yes.  A lot of clubs are very strict about dress code and won't let people in if they are not appropriately dressed.

I've heard of this for a religious venue, but never a place where you're paying them to have your event.

Usually, it's a "customer is always right" type of situation when it comes to wedding reception venues.

I just would find it incredibly offensive if someone was at the door policing what my guests are wearing. I get the "no labels, no baggy jeans, no hats, no gang attire" type of dress code thing at night clubs...but a wedding reception? Wow.

Sorry.

 

And you're more than welcome to not have a wedding at a country club with a dress code. But sometimes, whether you're paying or not, there are still rules you have to abide by.

itzMS

misshart00 said:

 

misshart00 said:

itzMS said:

So you're telling me that the venue coordinator would with 100% certainty kick people out of your reception if they were in jeans?

I doubt it.

Um, yes.  A lot of clubs are very strict about dress code and won't let people in if they are not appropriately dressed.

I've heard of this for a religious venue, but never a place where you're paying them to have your event.

Usually, it's a "customer is always right" type of situation when it comes to wedding reception venues.

I just would find it incredibly offensive if someone was at the door policing what my guests are wearing. I get the "no labels, no baggy jeans, no hats, no gang attire" type of dress code thing at night clubs...but a wedding reception? Wow.

Sorry.

 

And you're more than welcome to not have a wedding at a country club with a dress code. But sometimes, whether you're paying or not, there are still rules you have to abide by.

A suggested dress code is different then venue staff standing at the door actually kicking guests out. That's what I'm getting at.

NYCBruin

itzMS said:

 

misshart00 said:

itzMS said:

So you're telling me that the venue coordinator would with 100% certainty kick people out of your reception if they were in jeans?

I doubt it.

Um, yes.  A lot of clubs are very strict about dress code and won't let people in if they are not appropriately dressed.

I've heard of this for a religious venue, but never a place where you're paying them to have your event.

Usually, it's a "customer is always right" type of situation when it comes to wedding reception venues.

I just would find it incredibly offensive if someone was at the door policing what my guests are wearing. I get the "no labels, no baggy jeans, no hats, no gang attire" type of dress code thing at night clubs...but a wedding reception? Wow.

Sorry.

 

When you have your wedding at a private club, you have to abide by their rules.

You aren't the only customer at a private club, in fact, the members of the club who probably support and like the dress code are much "bigger" clients than the wedding couple.  One of the reasons people belong to private clubs is the "atmosphere" which is largely driven by the dress code.  It's really nice having dinner at FI's club where everyone is dressed up a little.  It makes for nicer evenings, as does their no cell phone policy.

It's not as though there's a "dress code police," but of course there's usually security at private clubs.  You can't just walk in there, so you have to talk to someone who will check to make sure you're supposed to be there, point you in the direction of the event, and yes, make sure you're complying with the dress code.

STARMOON44

Many of my friends have gotten married at a local country club that requires jackets for men. I've typically seen "please note, the club requires jackets for men" on the website, but if you're concerned the likely offenders won't read that, I'd add it to the invite.

@itzms, it's fairly common around here. Members of fancy clubs don't want to have casually dressed wedding guests all over the place.

grumbledore

itzMS said:

 

misshart00 said:

itzMS said:

So you're telling me that the venue coordinator would with 100% certainty kick people out of your reception if they were in jeans?

I doubt it.

Um, yes.  A lot of clubs are very strict about dress code and won't let people in if they are not appropriately dressed.

I've heard of this for a religious venue, but never a place where you're paying them to have your event.

Usually, it's a "customer is always right" type of situation when it comes to wedding reception venues.

I just would find it incredibly offensive if someone was at the door policing what my guests are wearing. I get the "no labels, no baggy jeans, no hats, no gang attire" type of dress code thing at night clubs...but a wedding reception? Wow.

Sorry.

 

I've seen potentially paying customers turned away from restaurants for not complying with dress code.  It's definitely not unheard-of.  In the case of the OP, it is most certainly appropriate to make sure the guests know so that they aren't humiliated and unable to attend.

RedJacks25

itzMS said:

So you're telling me that the venue coordinator would with 100% certainty kick people out of your reception if they were in jeans?

I doubt it.

Oh definitely. I've been to such country clubs before.

WonderRed

I agree with including an insert card with your invitation and make it clear that this is your venue's requirement.   Don't put it only on your website.  You can't guarantee everyone will visit it and see it.

MuppetOverlord

 

misshart00 said:

 

misshart00 said:

itzMS said:

So you're telling me that the venue coordinator would with 100% certainty kick people out of your reception if they were in jeans?

I doubt it.

Um, yes.  A lot of clubs are very strict about dress code and won't let people in if they are not appropriately dressed.

I've heard of this for a religious venue, but never a place where you're paying them to have your event.

Usually, it's a "customer is always right" type of situation when it comes to wedding reception venues.

I just would find it incredibly offensive if someone was at the door policing what my guests are wearing. I get the "no labels, no baggy jeans, no hats, no gang attire" type of dress code thing at night clubs...but a wedding reception? Wow.

Sorry.

And you're more than welcome to not have a wedding at a country club with a dress code. But sometimes, whether you're paying or not, there are still rules you have to abide by.

Their policy is that there are no jeans, not that the customer is always right. 

They are specifically giving her advance notice that her wedding is no exception to this policy.

 

grumbledore

What @MuppetOverlord said.  I don't even know why this is an argument.  Everyone is free to have their wedding wherever they want.  When there is a dress code, it is the responsibility of the host to make the guests aware in order to

a)  Preserve the guests' dignity by helping them avoid humiliation upon being unprepared, and

b)  Adhere to the rules set by the venue, thus avoiding their own embarrassment.

It's very simple and clear.

We tell couples all the time that they should state attire when, and only when, an event is Black or White Tie, or when the venue has a dress code.

itzMS

Got it, everyone, thanks!

I clearly come from an area without country clubs and where people (not me, just people in general) go to nice restaurants in jeans and golf in jeans.

It's just hard for me to fathom a snooty lady outside the door of the reception looking guests up and down and turning them away.

Guess it's a reality! :-)

NYCBruin

itzMS said:

Got it, everyone, thanks!

I clearly come from an area without country clubs and where people (not me, just people in general) go to nice restaurants in jeans and golf in jeans.

It's just hard for me to fathom a snooty lady outside the door of the reception looking guests up and down and turning them away.

Guess it's a reality! :-)

I'm really not trying to be snarky, but how does one golf in jeans?  They're kinda constraining, how do you swing properly?

STARMOON44

@itzMS oh yeah, definitely no golfing in jeans. Some places don't allow shorts either, or require that they are knee length. And require that you play tennis in all white clothing.

itzMS

NYCBruin said:

itzMS said:

Got it, everyone, thanks!

I clearly come from an area without country clubs and where people (not me, just people in general) go to nice restaurants in jeans and golf in jeans.

It's just hard for me to fathom a snooty lady outside the door of the reception looking guests up and down and turning them away.

Guess it's a reality! :-)

I'm really not trying to be snarky, but how does one golf in jeans?  They're kinda constraining, how do you swing properly?

No idea! But plenty of them do! (not me or DH, obviously)

NYCMercedes

Our club has a men's jacket requirement. We put it on the additional information card insert with the invitations and it was on the website. Nevertheless, one of our guests showed up in jeans and a t-shirt. Somehow he was able to get into our private room with nobody stopping him, thank goodness.

phira

Here's how I think about putting attire information on invitations (or inserts in the invitation):

Are you doing it because you think that someone is going to show up improperly dressed (you know ... that one person who always dresses inappropriately) and you want to prevent them from having an excuse?

OR

Are you doing it because you want to prevent people from dressing in a way that might leave them uncomfortable? Or because your venue doesn't allow or requires specific clothing?

---------------------------

Look. I know some of those people who show up to events wearing inappropriate clothing. That means I know some women who show up with boobs hanging out. That means I know someone who wore super casual attire (in her defense, she thought she was dressing formally) to a formal occasion. That means I know someone who wore an ill-fitting tux as a wedding guest and then changed into jeans and a T shirt for the reception.

Do not put clothing restrictions on your invitations to try to stop any of these people. Most guests were going to dress appropriately anyway and will be annoyed that you had to say something. And these folks are still going to show up inappropriately dressed.

HOWEVER, the country club rules fall under the other category: if you don't warn your guests, some of them may show up wearing clothing that will prevent them from attending your wedding. In this case, you are warning guests for their benefit, so everyone can enjoy your wedding and reception (because everyone can BE there).

Other situations where warnings are helpful: Outdoor events, letting people know if there's grass, events on boats, etc.

Jen4948

If the venue has rules and guests not obeying them will get turned away, I think giving them a heads-up that this could happen if they make the choice to ignore them is not insulting but necessary.

zizibet

Itzms, it's very likely they would  Country clubs often have strict rules about dress that they enforce with actual members, so they would absolutely ask a non-member to leave.