What your actions say to your guests - everything you need to know in one place

aurorajanette

MGP said:

A few more:

Potlucks:  "they say to host your wedding guests as you would in your own home.  Well the parties we throw are potlucks and BYOB so why should the wedding be any different?  And if you weren't one of the lucky ones who got invited to our wedding you would probably sit at home and cook dinner anyways so what's the hassle?  Don't forget your gift along with your covered dish."

Destination weddings:  (not all but some of the ones I have been to) "why get married in your boring home town when you can get married in paradise?  I know you have been looking for something to do with your few precious vacation days so why not spend it with us?  We will pick the most expensive resort on the island, but for you poor people we will also find a beach house so you can bunk up with complete strangers (with you paying for it, of course we don't have that type of money).  And by the end of the week you will all be BFFs!"

Dress code stated when not necessary:  "there are a few of our guests that we know will show up to the wedding dressed like derelicts, so instead of addressing it with them privately we will patronize you all and remind you how to dress for a wedding just in case you don't know either.  Hope you aren't too offended when we do something "cutesy" like have the bridal party wear flip flops.  Because hey, we want to be comfy.  It's a long day for us, especially with that gap."

Black tie optional when nothing about the wedding is black tie:  Same as above, plus "we want to give our wedding a black tie look without the black tie price tag.  Especially when we carefully edit our photos to upload on Facebook to show the underlings who didn't make the cut what a swanky affair it was.  So please go ahead and rent a tux and buy a floor length gown you will probably never wear again.  But don't let it affect your budget for that gift, because we said it's black tie OPTIONAL.  It's not like we are holding a gun to your head."

Disproportionate dress vs. everything else budget:  "Yes, I know that my dress is worth more than my car.  But I deserve my unflattering Pnina Tournai dress because it's my day and I want to look beautiful!  Sorry I didn't make cuts in this area to properly host you with things like food and chairs, but darn it I look hot!"

I just recently listened to one of my best friends tell me that whatever I do, make sure I spend the most money on my dress, "because even though you wear it once, it's your special day". I kept my mouth shut but silently cursed her out. This was the same friend who didn't serve dinner at her 5PM wedding, didn't have enough chairs for everyone during the ceremony or the reception, had an outdoor wedding in October when it was below 50 degrees, and didn't have any music (not a breach of etiquette, I know, but it was just another thing she would have had money for if she didn't blow thousands on a dress).

grumbledore

acove2006 said:

MGP said:

Jen4948 said:

scowie15 said:

A lot of these I agree with, but if none of my bridesmaids were to throw me a shower would it be so horrible to throw my own?  I mean shouldn't every woman get to have one shower in their life.  I would feel very unloved if no one threw me a shower, and yes it is technically in poor taste but I think that my fiance would organize something like this for me at our house.  

Nobody is entitled to a shower, so no, every woman shouldn't get to have one shower in their life.

If nobody chooses to throw you a shower, unfortunately, that's your bad luck.  And fiances are not supposed to organize showers for their spouses-to-be, and no shower should take place at the home of the bride because she is presumed to be hosting under those conditions.

Showers are a gift to the bride, not a party she throws for herself, because a polite person does not solicit gifts from others.  (PS-the reason a gift registry passes etiquette muster-and there are many instances in which it doesn't-is because the couple isn't actually asking for gifts, but indicating their preferences should someone choose to give them one.)  Gifts are optional-even for weddings.  You have no right to expect anyone to give you gifts at all.

All of this.

And PS - for future reference it's also a major faux pas to host your own baby shower.  Additionally it's generally frowned upon to have showers for 2nd, 3rd, etc. children.  You get ONE welcome into motherhood, that's it.

As long as you're not hosting your own what's the big deal? While I know a shower is technically meant to shower the guest of honor with gifts, it's also meant to celebrate the new life that's entering the world. Plus, the guest of honor is different each time technically. I really didn't want a shower when I was pregnant with my 2nd (almost exactly 3 years apart and both boys) but my FMIL really really really wanted to throw me a surprise shower (her words, as my FI told me. He told me since he knows I'm not big on surprises). As far as she knows, it really was a surprise. I couldn't control that. It's not like I was going to turn around and leave saying "This is against etiquette. I cannot be here for such blasphemy!"

I'll admit I don't know the true etiquette, but how is this much different than having multiple wedding showers, or a shower for a 2nd marriage, etc?

Truthfully, I have never once thought of a baby shower as a "welcome to motherhood" party - I've always thought of it as a "welcome baby to being alive" party.  I get that people think of it that way, but I don't.

MGP

grumbledore said:

Truthfully, I have never once thought of a baby shower as a "welcome to motherhood" party - I've always thought of it as a "welcome baby to being alive" party.  I get that people think of it that way, but I don't.

Totally see why you feel that way, and I am sure that others do too.  Technically - the shower is meant to welcome the guest of honor to motherhood and help supply her with baby essentials.  I almost put second showers and PPD's in the same category.  After you have gone through it once that ship has sailed, know what I mean?

Showers for additional children are looked at as a gift grab, no matter what the reason.  Additional new babies can and should be welcomed, and doesn't take a shower to do that.  And just as we advise here that no one has to be invited to a bridal shower to give a gift the same applies there too.  Also a shower of any kind should ALWAYS be a gift, not asked for, and not self hosted.

Didn't mean to hijack my own thread, but there are many common themes on this board with The Bump baby shower board.  In fact, that's how I found this board because many threads are cross posted.  Just replace the word "wedding" with "baby" and replace "host what you can afford" with "only procreate what you can afford" and you get the jist.

Believe it or not, the sense of entitlement gets worse when someone is going to have a baby because it goes from "I am a Special Snowflake it's MY DAY" to "I am a Special Snowflake having a Snowflake Baby it's MY BABY".  Makes me want to throw up in my mouth some times.

grumbledore

Lol I can understand all of that. Entitled people piss me off in all situations. I think all showers are gift grabby so it just doesn't bother me as long as the mother isn't being a brat.

jourletti

Ladies - What does PPD mean?

Jen4948

PPD means Pretty Princess Day.  It refers to a situation where the couple secretly have a legal wedding, such as at a JP office, claim the legal benefits of being married, and pass themselves off as not married while having a big "wedding" ceremony and fancy celebration later and concealing the legal wedding.

312Emily

PrettyGirlLost said:

acove2006 said:

MGP said:

Jen4948 said:

scowie15 said:

A lot of these I agree with, but if none of my bridesmaids were to throw me a shower would it be so horrible to throw my own?  I mean shouldn't every woman get to have one shower in their life.  I would feel very unloved if no one threw me a shower, and yes it is technically in poor taste but I think that my fiance would organize something like this for me at our house.  

Nobody is entitled to a shower, so no, every woman shouldn't get to have one shower in their life.

If nobody chooses to throw you a shower, unfortunately, that's your bad luck.  And fiances are not supposed to organize showers for their spouses-to-be, and no shower should take place at the home of the bride because she is presumed to be hosting under those conditions.

Showers are a gift to the bride, not a party she throws for herself, because a polite person does not solicit gifts from others.  (PS-the reason a gift registry passes etiquette muster-and there are many instances in which it doesn't-is because the couple isn't actually asking for gifts, but indicating their preferences should someone choose to give them one.)  Gifts are optional-even for weddings.  You have no right to expect anyone to give you gifts at all.

All of this.

And PS - for future reference it's also a major faux pas to host your own baby shower.  Additionally it's generally frowned upon to have showers for 2nd, 3rd, etc. children.  You get ONE welcome into motherhood, that's it.

As long as you're not hosting your own what's the big deal? While I know a shower is technically meant to shower the guest of honor with gifts, it's also meant to celebrate the new life that's entering the world. Plus, the guest of honor is different each time technically. I really didn't want a shower when I was pregnant with my 2nd (almost exactly 3 years apart and both boys) but my FMIL really really really wanted to throw me a surprise shower (her words, as my FI told me. He told me since he knows I'm not big on surprises). As far as she knows, it really was a surprise. I couldn't control that. It's not like I was going to turn around and leave saying "This is against etiquette. I cannot be here for such blasphemy!"

I'll admit I don't know the true etiquette, but how is this much different than having multiple wedding showers, or a shower for a 2nd marriage, etc?

 The guest of honor is the mother to be, not the unborn child.

The reason Baby Showers after the 1st child are seen as a faux pas or rude is because they come across as totally gift grabby. . . I mean, if you already have a child, shouldn't you already have all of the stuff that you need for a child (crib, carseat, stroller, baby bjorns, rocking chair, toys, etc) with the exception of clothes if the 2ns child is a different gender?

You can't really equate 2nd and 3rd baby showers to multiple wedding showers; multiple bridal showers can be thrown by different people for a single wedding event.  So you could have different people throw you multiple baby showers, but all for your 1st child, kwim?

Just gonna throw this out there... I've known a few people who have had a gap of 5+ years between kids.  That's long enough that the woman has given things away because she's resigned to the fact she doesn't think she'll have another, often to the circle of friends throwing the shower.  When that's the case, and it's known that the baby is a miracle and the mom has helped her social circle with her first baby's supplies, it's kind of sweet for those women to welcome the new baby as if it was a first.  But this is only with a really big gap.  I think with fertility issues being prevalent, and women not glossing over these anymore, a lot of people in their social circle may empathize/ want to shower the mom as if it's a new baby, because the woman is so far out of being the mom of a newborn.

Edited for clarity.

Amyzen83

I have another gem to add to the collection:

Brides who expect their bridal party to basically plan their whole wedding: I take the term bridesMAIDS literally. When you signed up to be in my wedding you basically signed up to be at my beck and call.

Going with that, no thank you cards: Why should I have to take the time out of my busy schedule to thank those who love me for any way that they have helped me or the many gifts that I've been given, because all of this is expected right?

No Gifts? Even though you had to travel long distances, and took time out of your day to spend with us or you assisted me with parts of our wedding, you didn't care enough to get me a present?

tcnoble

This might be a "duh" question but it isn't brought up as often on here so I'm less educated on the proper etiquette... But it's been in this thread so I feel inclined to ask. Head table vs sweetheart table??? What's the proper etiquette here? The two weddings I've been to this year had head tables with the whole BP, and their SOs (if applicable) were seated with the other SOs or with friends/family if they were there. Help??

APDSS22

tcnoble said:

This might be a "duh" question but it isn't brought up as often on here so I'm less educated on the proper etiquette... But it's been in this thread so I feel inclined to ask. Head table vs sweetheart table??? What's the proper etiquette here? The two weddings I've been to this year had head tables with the whole BP, and their SOs (if applicable) were seated with the other SOs or with friends/family if they were there. Help??

Separating the BP from their SOs is the problem (etiquette-wise) with head tables.  As they are part of a couple, they should be seated together.  If you have a small BP and have all their SOs seated up with you at a head table, it's WAY less side-eyed than forcing the SOs to go sit at a segregated table (especially if they don't know each other...awkward!)  Having a sweet heart table means the couple sit together and the bridal party and SOs get seated with people they know like everyone else.

Amyzen83

I honestly prefer the sweetheart table and the BP sits with their SO's and other friends.

manateehugger

tcnoble said:

This might be a "duh" question but it isn't brought up as often on here so I'm less educated on the proper etiquette... But it's been in this thread so I feel inclined to ask. Head table vs sweetheart table??? What's the proper etiquette here? The two weddings I've been to this year had head tables with the whole BP, and their SOs (if applicable) were seated with the other SOs or with friends/family if they were there. Help??

The other option (and what we are doing since both of us hated the sweetheart table) is a king's table that has people seated on both sides. We chose this option so we could have a "head table" with enough room for dates and SO's. Either way you decide, dates and SO's should never be separated - especially at an event celebrating love. 

tcnoble

Thanks for the mini-lesson, ladies! I know the one wedding I was a BM in at the head table, my FI felt awkward all night because he wasn't sitting with me and didn't know anyone. I've never seen a sweetheart table so it's good to be educated about this!

wajohnson09

Jen4948 said:

scowie15 said:

A lot of these I agree with, but if none of my bridesmaids were to throw me a shower would it be so horrible to throw my own?  I mean shouldn't every woman get to have one shower in their life.  I would feel very unloved if no one threw me a shower, and yes it is technically in poor taste but I think that my fiance would organize something like this for me at our house.  

Nobody is entitled to a shower, so no, every woman shouldn't get to have one shower in their life.

If nobody chooses to throw you a shower, unfortunately, that's your bad luck.  And fiances are not supposed to organize showers for their spouses-to-be, and no shower should take place at the home of the bride because she is presumed to be hosting under those conditions.

Showers are a gift to the bride, not a party she throws for herself, because a polite person does not solicit gifts from others.  (PS-the reason a gift registry passes etiquette muster-and there are many instances in which it doesn't-is because the couple isn't actually asking for gifts, but indicating their preferences should someone choose to give them one.)  Gifts are optional-even for weddings.  You have no right to expect anyone to give you gifts at all.


Amen!!!! You are not entitled to gifts for ANY major life event!

A Facebook friend hosted 3 baby showers for herself ( one for her family, one for his, one for friends) then had the nerve to complain when she didn't get a good turnout. My favorite status went something like " In case you're wondering, we still need lots of stuff for the baby. We are registered at X,Y,and Z, only 2 more months to go!"

Gag

KittyKaty20

acove2006 said:

Got another one, those this is more about bridesmaids than guests.

Giving your attendants their day of jewelry/accessories as their thank you gift: "I know you've spent lots of time and money on my wedding. Which is exactly what I expected of you. Here's some beautiful jewelry/shoes/professional hair & makeup/soft silky robes/matching hoodies as my thank you gift. The catch is you have to wear it during my wedding because you must look exactly like I want you too for my wedding. That's thank you enough."

I am seriously on the fence with this one...

1. I didn't know this was an etiquette breach until I joined the Knotties and this board. That's because:

2. I have yet to be involved in a wedding where the gifts of jewelry/accessories/hair/makeup WASN'T the thank you gift-although they were accompanied by a heartfelt, handwritten note. Every piece of jewelry I've ever received-and a gorgeous pair of shoes, I might add-has been worn by me multiple times since the wedding they were "associated with".

I had purchased  a beautiful 3-piece set with necklace, earrings, and bracelet-freshwater pearls and pave stones. I am planning on personalized hangers-which will be in a picture, I'm sure-and would like to do something non-wedding-related for each BM. Although I may be busting etiquette rules, I feel like doing too much more than my MOHs (twins who have been my BFFs since kindergarten) did for me when I was in their weddings might make them feel uncomfortable.

Again, this is 100% the experience I have had/observed in the Northern California area weddings.

Amyzen83

wajohnson09 said:

scowie15 said:

A lot of these I agree with, but if none of my bridesmaids were to throw me a shower would it be so horrible to throw my own?  I mean shouldn't every woman get to have one shower in their life.  I would feel very unloved if no one threw me a shower, and yes it is technically in poor taste but I think that my fiance would organize something like this for me at our house.  

Nobody is entitled to a shower, so no, every woman shouldn't get to have one shower in their life.

If nobody chooses to throw you a shower, unfortunately, that's your bad luck.  And fiances are not supposed to organize showers for their spouses-to-be, and no shower should take place at the home of the bride because she is presumed to be hosting under those conditions.

Showers are a gift to the bride, not a party she throws for herself, because a polite person does not solicit gifts from others.  (PS-the reason a gift registry passes etiquette muster-and there are many instances in which it doesn't-is because the couple isn't actually asking for gifts, but indicating their preferences should someone choose to give them one.)  Gifts are optional-even for weddings.  You have no right to expect anyone to give you gifts at all.

Amen!!!! You are not entitled to gifts for ANY major life event! A Facebook friend hosted 3 baby showers for herself ( one for her family, one for his, one for friends) then had the nerve to complain when she didn't get a good turnout. My favorite status went something like " In case you're wondering, we still need lots of stuff for the baby. We are registered at X,Y,and Z, only 2 more months to go!" Gag

WOW Really??? What a gift grabby friend you have! I would have gagged too and unfriended her.

Chipmunk415

I'd add a small caveat for baby showers- a baby shower for the second child is potentially acceptable if there is a significant age gap between the children (ie, older sibling it at least 6-7 yrs of age) and all the baby stuff from first child has been given to charity/other family, etc. However, said shower should be small, mom to be cannot throw her own, and is completely at the discretion of friends and family.

I'd personally also consider throwing a baby shower for a friend who adopts a baby when the older children are 8 and older, but that's less of a baby shower and more of a welcome to the family type deal, where I got the baby girl a few new outfits, and her new brothers (3 of them) got some gifts as well, including shirts saying "no one messes with my little sister but me"- they were a hit. 

LondonLisa

Registry included with the invitation: "you better buy me a damn gift!! I'm choosing to spend money on you so you better spend a lot on me! GIMME GIMME GIMME!!!"

Tiered receptions: "I want everyone there but I am too cheap to pay to feed you. It was more important I have a three-course meal so people will think I have money than host everyone properly. Also, I really don't care about your hurt feelings at all or the awkwardness when you show up and everyone has already been there for hours. You should be honoured to come celebrate the most important thing ever: MY wedding! Plus, you have to buy me gifts without me having to host you- Bonus! You should be lucky to even be invited to this as it is a privilege to even be allowed to come for the scraps, my dear second class friend! PS- don't forget to buy me things!"

Amyzen83

@LondonLisa too funny but true! I'd never attend a tiered reception

Cookie Pusher

KittyKaty20 said:

acove2006 said:

Got another one, those this is more about bridesmaids than guests.

Giving your attendants their day of jewelry/accessories as their thank you gift: "I know you've spent lots of time and money on my wedding. Which is exactly what I expected of you. Here's some beautiful jewelry/shoes/professional hair & makeup/soft silky robes/matching hoodies as my thank you gift. The catch is you have to wear it during my wedding because you must look exactly like I want you too for my wedding. That's thank you enough."

I am seriously on the fence with this one...

1. I didn't know this was an etiquette breach until I joined the Knotties and this board. That's because:

2. I have yet to be involved in a wedding where the gifts of jewelry/accessories/hair/makeup WASN'T the thank you gift-although they were accompanied by a heartfelt, handwritten note. Every piece of jewelry I've ever received-and a gorgeous pair of shoes, I might add-has been worn by me multiple times since the wedding they were "associated with".

I had purchased  a beautiful 3-piece set with necklace, earrings, and bracelet-freshwater pearls and pave stones. I am planning on personalized hangers-which will be in a picture, I'm sure-and would like to do something non-wedding-related for each BM. Although I may be busting etiquette rules, I feel like doing too much more than my MOHs (twins who have been my BFFs since kindergarten) did for me when I was in their weddings might make them feel uncomfortable.

Again, this is 100% the experience I have had/observed in the Northern California area weddings.

I'm kind of grappling with this as well. I asked my younger sisters to be my attendants (I love them both dearly, we have gone through A LOT together, and I couldn't imagine not having them stand next to me at my wedding). I let them choose their own dresses (which I am paying for). I'm paying for their hotel rooms the night of the wedding. And their hair and makeup. There was the understanding that they didn't have to throw any parties/showers/bachelorette parties. They are both much younger than I am (6 and 12 years), so I didn't want to burden them financially with having to provide anything for my wedding - I'd prefer they focused on their schooling. Would it be wrong of me to buy them each a pair of diamond studs to wear to the wedding (and whenever else they wanted) as part of their thank you gift? Should I just give them the earrings for the wedding and then provide a different gift in place of them?

PrettyGirlLost

emilyellyse said:

Just gonna throw this out there... I've known a few people who have had a gap of 5+ years between kids.  That's long enough that the woman has given things away because she's resigned to the fact she doesn't think she'll have another, often to the circle of friends throwing the shower.  When that's the case, and it's known that the baby is a miracle and the mom has helped her social circle with her first baby's supplies, it's kind of sweet for those women to welcome the new baby as if it was a first.  But this is only with a really big gap.  I think with fertility issues being prevalent, and women not glossing over these anymore, a lot of people in their social circle may empathize/ want to shower the mom as if it's a new baby, because the woman is so far out of being the mom of a newborn.

Edited for clarity.

Those women that are so inclined are free to give gifts without the need for a second shower.

PrettyGirlLost

wajohnson09 said:

scowie15 said:

A lot of these I agree with, but if none of my bridesmaids were to throw me a shower would it be so horrible to throw my own?  I mean shouldn't every woman get to have one shower in their life.  I would feel very unloved if no one threw me a shower, and yes it is technically in poor taste but I think that my fiance would organize something like this for me at our house.  

Nobody is entitled to a shower, so no, every woman shouldn't get to have one shower in their life.

If nobody chooses to throw you a shower, unfortunately, that's your bad luck.  And fiances are not supposed to organize showers for their spouses-to-be, and no shower should take place at the home of the bride because she is presumed to be hosting under those conditions.

Showers are a gift to the bride, not a party she throws for herself, because a polite person does not solicit gifts from others.  (PS-the reason a gift registry passes etiquette muster-and there are many instances in which it doesn't-is because the couple isn't actually asking for gifts, but indicating their preferences should someone choose to give them one.)  Gifts are optional-even for weddings.  You have no right to expect anyone to give you gifts at all.

Amen!!!! You are not entitled to gifts for ANY major life event! A Facebook friend hosted 3 baby showers for herself ( one for her family, one for his, one for friends) then had the nerve to complain when she didn't get a good turnout. My favorite status went something like " In case you're wondering, we still need lots of stuff for the baby. We are registered at X,Y,and Z, only 2 more months to go!" Gag

Ok, so go buy that shit for yourself!  I am not obligated to finance your acts of procreation simply because we are friends or family. . . if you are adult enough to have a child then you are adult enough to figure out how to finance said child.  Put that hand out and I am likely going  to smack it away.

I LOVE buying clothes and toys for kids, love, love it.  Kids are usually so appreciative of everything you give them, and that is adorable and sweet.  I hate parents that act like their friends and family are cash cows for their kids.

GrrArgh

MGP said:

grumbledore said:

Truthfully, I have never once thought of a baby shower as a "welcome to motherhood" party - I've always thought of it as a "welcome baby to being alive" party.  I get that people think of it that way, but I don't.

Totally see why you feel that way, and I am sure that others do too.  Technically - the shower is meant to welcome the guest of honor to motherhood and help supply her with baby essentials.  I almost put second showers and PPD's in the same category.  After you have gone through it once that ship has sailed, know what I mean?

Showers for additional children are looked at as a gift grab, no matter what the reason.  Additional new babies can and should be welcomed, and doesn't take a shower to do that.  And just as we advise here that no one has to be invited to a bridal shower to give a gift the same applies there too.  Also a shower of any kind should ALWAYS be a gift, not asked for, and not self hosted.

Didn't mean to hijack my own thread, but there are many common themes on this board with The Bump baby shower board.  In fact, that's how I found this board because many threads are cross posted.  Just replace the word "wedding" with "baby" and replace "host what you can afford" with "only procreate what you can afford" and you get the jist.

Believe it or not, the sense of entitlement gets worse when someone is going to have a baby because it goes from "I am a Special Snowflake it's MY DAY" to "I am a Special Snowflake having a Snowflake Baby it's MY BABY".  Makes me want to throw up in my mouth some times.

The only time I've been ok with additional baby showers are when it's for people who were done having kids by years. Their Youngest being 10+   years old and then all of a sudden, SURPRISE BABY! I felt totally ok with them having a baby shower simply because it had been so freakin' long since they had a baby (also helps these women are the sort that donated all their baby things to good causes and others in need when their kids outgrew them) 

kmmssg

GrrArgh said:

MGP said:

grumbledore said:

Truthfully, I have never once thought of a baby shower as a "welcome to motherhood" party - I've always thought of it as a "welcome baby to being alive" party.  I get that people think of it that way, but I don't.

Totally see why you feel that way, and I am sure that others do too.  Technically - the shower is meant to welcome the guest of honor to motherhood and help supply her with baby essentials.  I almost put second showers and PPD's in the same category.  After you have gone through it once that ship has sailed, know what I mean?

Showers for additional children are looked at as a gift grab, no matter what the reason.  Additional new babies can and should be welcomed, and doesn't take a shower to do that.  And just as we advise here that no one has to be invited to a bridal shower to give a gift the same applies there too.  Also a shower of any kind should ALWAYS be a gift, not asked for, and not self hosted.

Didn't mean to hijack my own thread, but there are many common themes on this board with The Bump baby shower board.  In fact, that's how I found this board because many threads are cross posted.  Just replace the word "wedding" with "baby" and replace "host what you can afford" with "only procreate what you can afford" and you get the jist.

Believe it or not, the sense of entitlement gets worse when someone is going to have a baby because it goes from "I am a Special Snowflake it's MY DAY" to "I am a Special Snowflake having a Snowflake Baby it's MY BABY".  Makes me want to throw up in my mouth some times.

The only time I've been ok with additional baby showers are when it's for people who were done having kids by years. Their Youngest being 10+   years old and then all of a sudden, SURPRISE BABY! I felt totally ok with them having a baby shower simply because it had been so freakin' long since they had a baby (also helps these women are the sort that donated all their baby things to good causes and others in need when their kids outgrew them) 

Yeah I had a second baby shower.  My youngest child was 13 when we found out she was really going to be a middle child instead.  NO idea how that happened......

Angusaur

I have never thought of 2nd and 3rd baby showers as rude, tacky, or gift grabby. I think each child is worthy of celebration. I have even thrown my best friend a shower for her 3rd baby. Being as it was her 3rd, I made sure to invite only family and very close friends. Of course I don't agree with mom planning her own shower, but I don't see a problem in accepting if an offer is extended. Especially because baby shower's are often surprises.

Jen4948

Angusaur said:

I have never thought of 2nd and 3rd baby showers as rude, tacky, or gift grabby. I think each child is worthy of celebration. I have even thrown my best friend a shower for her 3rd baby. Being as it was her 3rd, I made sure to invite only family and very close friends. Of course I don't agree with mom planning her own shower, but I don't see a problem in accepting if an offer is extended. Especially because baby shower's are often surprises.

I agree with the bolded, but "celebrations" don't have to be gift-giving events.  "Showers" for subsequent children shouldn't be necessary because presumably the mother-to-be can reuse the items from the shower for the first child for her subsequent children. 

So feel free to have a celebration...but I'd label it something other than a "shower" so that it doesn't carry a gift-giving expectation, and if you get any gifts, open them in private and not as part of the celebration agenda.

Gizmo813

Two things:

1. Many of my friends with more than 1 child have "Baby Sprinkles' for the 2nd one, rather than a shower. The parents-to-be aren't registered anywhere, and more often than not, it's hosted by the couple's sister or mother(s). It's more of a celebration of life than a gift-grabby thing, and I've never thought it was strange.

2. I'm planning on including jewelry as my bridesmaids' gifts, along with a personalized something-or-other. It's pretty standard where I am, and I'm confused as to why this might be considered rude? If find it to be much nicer than a tote bag or flip flops.

Inkdancer

@Gizmo813 said:

Two things:

1. Many of my friends with more than 1 child have "Baby Sprinkles' for the 2nd one, rather than a shower. The parents-to-be aren't registered anywhere, and more often than not, it's hosted by the couple's sister or mother(s). It's more of a celebration of life than a gift-grabby thing, and I've never thought it was strange.

2. I'm planning on including jewelry as my bridesmaids' gifts, along with a personalized something-or-other. It's pretty standard where I am, and I'm confused as to why this might be considered rude? If find it to be much nicer than a tote bag or flip flops.

1 is a know-your-friends sort of thing.

2. Jewelry that the bridesmaids are expected to wear in the wedding is not an acceptable gift because it is really for you, so they look "correct" at your wedding. However, if you require them to wear specific jewelry, you really should pay for it and not ask them to do so. But thanking them for being there for you on your special day requires something more personalized, and more focused on them. Even if it's a very small thing and a heartfelt note, that is much better than something that's too matchy (not personal) or focused on your wedding (not really for them, but for you to get what you want).

Amyzen83

Here's one based on some nightmare stories I've read:

Excluding a member of your bridal party from pre-wedding events, especially when they've helped you out with wedding stuff - You are just a prop for my wedding who I chose only either out of obligation or you can do stuff for me.

Sitting random guests together, we couldn't think of what to do with you, since we aren't quite sure why we invited you, so I created a misfit/reject table

The SO thinks this when they are mentioned as the "and guest", "Thanks for the respect you have in our relationship that you think my SO will just replace me with someone else, but yet we are both spending money and our time to celebrate your relationship"

Bbk1211

I have an odd etiquette question..... Is it wronge to tell your brides maids to go and buy themselves a dress long as its inside the colors of my wedding cause i want them to be able to wear it any fancy event? I am new to the whole wedding thing and am scared they will hate me cause i said it.....