stalled out and frustrated!

blueeyedtreble

My boyfriend and i have been dating for over 5 years... it will be 6 in April!! We have talked about marriage for a long time and and even have gone ring shopping. not that we've bought. all i keep hearing from family and friends is when? i want to me married to him! i love him and im sure he is the one! but i cant get him to pop the question! ive tried everything i can think of to talk to him about it and we just ended up in fights! ive even told him im willing to wait for a bit to get married i just want that commitment! a step forward! and he just shuts down. am i crazy to think that by now we should be at least engaged??? im just beyond frustrated!

i don't know what to do!! help!

Kendra

bethsmiles

My BF and I are celebrating our 5 year anniversary today and we aren't engaged. We've been talking marriage for about 4 years now but we know that the time hasn't been right yet. But here's the thing we are every bit as committed as my friends who are engaged and the ones who are married. Commitment doesn't come in the form of a ring.

If you and your BF can't have a discussion about marriage without ending up in a fight I don't think you are ready for marriage. You should be able to have a conversation about timelines, goals, and in general what you want out of life without it turning into a fight. When you talk with him do you talk about why he isn't ready? What goals he wants achieve before marriage? Where he sees himself and your relationship in 1, 5, and 10 years?

Nagging him isn't going to make him propose faster and even if it did would you want that to be the reason behind why he proposed? Tell him that you want to have a discussion about your relationship to make sure you are both on the same page about what you want out of life and where the relationship is headed.

Just out of curiosity how old are you?

blueeyedtreble

its not that we havent had the conversation with out a fight we have for over 4 years weve been having the conversation.its the last few month that Ive been frustrated and that has caused a fight. i have asked him why and we have talked about everything he says hes going to and hes planned how. but then he just doesn't. hes been telling me of 2 years he knows how and he has a plan. he told me after we've been living together for a year hed propose. its been a year and a half. he says he sees us family and kids and the whole deal. i haven been nagging as you put it ive been trying to bring it up to understand where hes coming from so i can see it from his perspective. instead i get a yea im working on it. hes gone from talking about it to im setting aside money 6 months ago only for it it come out that he in fact hasn't. we went ring shopping found the perfect one and nothing. ive even offered to help pay for half.

its not a doubt of his love or that hes not committed. i want to understand and help us move forward and instead we seem to have stalled. i don't want to get in to a situation of oh were living together so that will buy me some time. it doesn't the reason i agreed to move in is that we had the year timeline. were past it. i know life comes up and that things happen however i also need to keep moving forward. weve had many converstaoins about future, plan, hopes, dreams and they all line up. and now we stall.

and im 27. i know thats young still. but i know what i want. and i know its him and from everything ive been told from him and what i feel im also it for him. i want to start my life with him. i enjoy what we have now. but im coming to a point that i need more.

shada19

My dad asked the best question ever when I told him that I was engaged. The question was simply, "Why?" He wanted to know if I wanted to get married or if I wanted to spend the rest of my life with my FI. 

You seem very anxious to get engaged. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but why? You don't have to respond back to me, but I encourage you to really think about the "why" before you push your BF into an engagement that he is clearly not ready for. 

Best of luck to you!

suzie211

bethsmiles said:

My BF and I are celebrating our 5 year anniversary today and we aren't engaged. We've been talking marriage for about 4 years now but we know that the time hasn't been right yet. But here's the thing we are every bit as committed as my friends who are engaged and the ones who are married. Commitment doesn't come in the form of a ring.

If you and your BF can't have a discussion about marriage without ending up in a fight I don't think you are ready for marriage. You should be able to have a conversation about timelines, goals, and in general what you want out of life without it turning into a fight. When you talk with him do you talk about why he isn't ready? What goals he wants achieve before marriage? Where he sees himself and your relationship in 1, 5, and 10 years?

Nagging him isn't going to make him propose faster and even if it did would you want that to be the reason behind why he proposed? Tell him that you want to have a discussion about your relationship to make sure you are both on the same page about what you want out of life and where the relationship is headed.

Just out of curiosity how old are you?

@bethsmiles is wise.  Listen to her.  I 100% agree with the bolded statement.  Two people can be committed to each other and want to spend the rest of their lives together.  They don't need a ring to do that.

shada19 said:

My dad asked the best question ever when I told him that I was engaged. The question was simply, "Why?" He wanted to know if I wanted to get married or if I wanted to spend the rest of my life with my FI. 

You seem very anxious to get engaged. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but why? You don't have to respond back to me, but I encourage you to really think about the "why" before you push your BF into an engagement that he is clearly not ready for. 

Best of luck to you!

I also agree with this statement.  Do you know the answer to this?  Do you want to spend forever with your BF or do you feel that this is the next step in your relationship.  Those are two very different things.  You had a timeline that came and went.  Do you love him less because of it?  Is a timeline important enough to leave him?  If you love him and want to spend forever with him, then do that.  Enjoy right now, because it would still be part of the forever plan. 

27 isn't that old.  Enjoy where your relationship is now.  You can't force your BF to propose.  He will do it on his own time.  If want to you want is a wedding, then I think you should re-evaluate your relationship.  One day of playing dress up is completely different than a lifetime of marriage.

bethsmiles

blueeyedtreble said:

its not that we havent had the conversation with out a fight we have for over 4 years weve been having the conversation.its the last few month that Ive been frustrated and that has caused a fight. i have asked him why and we have talked about everything he says hes going to and hes planned how. but then he just doesn't You need to stop nagging. This is nagging. You are upset that it hasn't happened yet so you keep asking why. If he says he's going to do it then you need to trust that he will. If you don't trust him to do what he says he's going to than you have a problem in your relationship. hes been telling me of 2 years he knows how and he has a plan. I understand that that is frustrating. My BF has been telling me he has a plan for several years as well but just because he has a plan doesn't mean he is ready to put it into action. he told me after we've been living together for a year hed propose. its been a year and a half. he says he sees us family and kids and the whole deal. When that deadline passed did you have a discussion with him? Do you know why he didn't propose? Not just that he wasn't ready but why he wasn't ready? Believe me I know how that feels, my BF and I have had to change our plans many times. Last year he was going to propose by a certain time, he didn't , we had a conversation and even though I was disappointed I understood why. Honestly, I think deadlines are a really bad idea, they just tend to lead to disappointment. i haven been nagging as you put it ive been trying to bring it up to understand where hes coming from so i can see it from his perspective. instead i get a yea im working on it. hes gone from talking about it to im setting aside money 6 months ago only for it it come out that he in fact hasn't. Then you have a relationship problem that really needs to be addressed BEFORE you get engaged. we went ring shopping found the perfect one and nothing. ive even offered to help pay for half. I know you said you aren't nagging but seriously it sounds like nagging. How about you try not bringing up for a few months? Focus your efforts on something else outside of your relationship, take up a new hobby.

its not a doubt of his love or that hes not committed. But in your OP you said you were fine waiting for marriage but wanted "that commitment". So even though you live together you clearly don't feel he is as committed as you want him to be? If you are fine waiting for marriage and don't doubt his commitment there shouldn't be this need to get engaged rightthissecond. i want to understand and help us move forward and instead we seem to have stalled. Maybe your relationship is in a rut. It happens, you get into a routine and you need to shake it up a bit. Try doing something new together (take a cooking class, train for a 5K together, go rock climbing). Maybe that will help easy your sense of stalling. i don't want to get in to a situation of oh were living together so that will buy me some time. it doesn't the reason i agreed to move in is that we had the year timeline. were past it.  i know life comes up and that things happen however i also need to keep moving forward. weve had many converstaoins about future, plan, hopes, dreams and they all line up. and now we stall. It sounds like you just want to get engaged because it's the next step. Again, you said you are fine waiting on marriage. If you are fine waiting on marriage you should be fine waiting to get engaged. Every relationship moves at its own pace. You shouldn't get engaged before you are BOTH ready just because it's the next step.

and im 27. i know thats young still. but i know what i want. and i know its him and from everything ive been told from him and what i feel im also it for him. i want to start my life with him. i enjoy what we have now. but im coming to a point that i need more.

500days

I'm the same age as you so I understand that you may feel "ready" to settle down and take the next step with BF. But let's be real here- your BF is not ready right now. There's nothing you should or could do to "convince" him. Do not let this fester any longer, as resentment may set in and that's the last thing you want in a solid committed relationship.

Try to focus on something else in the meantime. Maybe it's a 5k that you can run or starting a DIY project. My FI didnt propose until I was done with grad school and in my career for a couple years. Believe me, I wanted an engagement badly after I graduated...but I used that energy and time to better myself-thus in turn, making our future together better.

suzie211

@bethsmiles Happy Anniversary!   I hope you have a fabulous night!

KeptInStitches

Happy anniversary, @bethsmiles!

loves2shop4shoes

I have a slightly different perspective on this than PPs.

It sounds like you have tried to communicate with him.  It sounds like you've come up with relationship goals (ie.  we'll get engaged within one year of living together.)  It sounds like your timelines have come and passed and your BF isn't making good on those promises.

Your BF has lied to you about saving money for the ring.  Frankly, it sounds like he's not ready to get engaged, and is stalling and making excuses.

I know of other friends of mine who have had the same problem.  The truth turned out to be that their BFs never actually wanted to get married, and for whatever reason, never communicated that.

You need to ask yourself some tough questions.  If you never got married, and were just with your BF as his "GF" forever, would you be ok with that?  Do you NEED marriage?  If he continues to set goals with you and not achieve them, when is that a dealbreaker?  Is it a problem for you that he's lied about your ring savings?

Honestly, you're 27.  5 years at 27 is a VERY nice amount of time.  If he's not ready to marry you yet, will he ever be?  I think you should have ONE more conversation with him about goals and timelines.  And if he blows through it again without following his word, and you NEED marriage, I'd walk.  No ultimatums.  Just walk.

CLoGreenEyes

Happy belated anniversary, @bethsmiles!

OP, I totally get the frustration. My BF and I have been together for over five years as well, and I admit that I'm impatient about moving to to the next step. The thing is, though, you and I can either be bitter about things not moving fast enough, or we can enjoy our relationships for what they are. I know that I have been guilty of questioning my BF about this before, and it did some nasty things to our relationship. So I suggest taking a chunk of time, at least a number of months, to promise yourself that you will just enjoy your BF and your relationship for what they are and not worry about anything else. If nothing else, it will surely make you feel better and take away a lot of the anxiety you have about this. If he is really the man you want to be with forever, surely he is worth a few months of patience before you have another heart-to-heart with him about an obviously charged subject for the two of you.

bethsmiles

@loves2shop4shoes has good advice as well. It's possible that your BF for whatever reason doesn't really want to get married or at least has no intention of proposing in the near future. I do think that the fact that he lied to you is a pretty big deal and one I hope you are addressing if you plan to stay with him. But you have to decide what YOU need and that might mean walking out of this relationship.

Swazzle

I wouldn't waste any more time on OP since she bashed all of you up in the GTKY thread.

People took time and energy to give you thoughtful advice, OP. It's really shitty of you to react the way you did and an attitude like that won't get you very far around here.

ETA: This is what I'm talking about:

blueeyedtreble said:

ive been looking around a lot and i posted today looking for advice and sympathy and some understanding. i understand people trying to make people look at things from a real perspective. and i appreciate that but the people who walk around with this moral superiority and telling me im not mature enough to be married. i support that everyone has an opinion. i don't disagree with that. but there has to be a nice way to say things. ive been dating the same person in a committed relationship living together as long as some people on this site. all i was looking for a friend or a shoulder. instead im told im nagging and immature. that beyond rude and i thought people would actually be here to support one another... thats just so sad that people seem to have more fun getting off on moral superiority and putting others down then being supportive and helpful!

CLoGreenEyes

Wow @blueeyedtreble. You asked for help. You got a few different perspectives and ideas. Nobody was mean or unsupportive. I don't understand the above post at all.

bride2b71614

First @Bethsmiles: Happy anniversary! 

Second: I just figured out the abbreviations. The introduction (New here read this first) to the NEY board actually gives a pretty good synopsis of what the board is like. I am sorry that you feel as though you weren't being supported, and that people weren't being sympathetic. For the most part, everyone's advice comes with good intentions. Is it always said in the nicest of ways?  If the OP (original poster) posts something on the internet for everyone to read (especially when the readers don't know the backstory, whether or not you wrote something out of frustration, anger, etc.) and people respond with answers the OP doesn't like, and then the OP begins to back peddle or make excuses, thats when responses can start to be considered not so nice. Look at the threads that have a gazillion responses. You can also see this pattern is followed in a few other threads, but it gets worse when the OP lashes out at others (be it in their original post or on another thread altogether). In this case, @BethSmiles, broke down your responses and told you her interpretation of what was being said. There is nothing wrong with her interpretation, because its circumstantial based on what you wrote. You aren't the first person on the NEY community to be in this situation, and many people on this board have had similar experiences to yours. We only provide our two cents, and if some sort of clarity develops for the OP, thats what would be ideal in terms of our advice giving. If you think we are mean, you should really check out a specific thread on the bump (if someone can provide the link for that bsc train thread that'd be great). Clearly there is some sort of breakdown in communication between you and your significant other, and communication is probably one of the first things you need to work on together. Other than that, enjoy your relationship, don't rush into getting engaged for the sake of getting engaged. 

bethsmiles

Ugh...seriously OP? *eyeroll*

Now I'm gonna threadjack! Thanks for the congrats on mine and BF's anniversary ladies We didn't really celebrate this weekend (just had a nice dinner and watched a movie together) because BF's grandpa was in town so we wanted to be able to spend time with him. BF has something planned for next weekend though .

Oh! Oh! AND when I was at BF's he kept telling me not to snoop around and freaked out when I was looking around for a shirt I thought I left there so I'm pretty sure the ring is in his possession right now! Squee!! Or he is hiding a pony and doing a pretty damn good job about it lol

bride2b71614

@Bethsmiles: SQUEEE Avoid the sock and undies drawer...2 out of my 3 friends that are married accidentally found theirs before the proposal in one of those drawers...They played it cool and fessed up to finding the ring after the proposal went down (we still laugh about it to this day). So excited for you!!

bethsmiles

bride2b71614 said:

@Bethsmiles: SQUEEE Avoid the sock and undies drawer...2 out of my 3 friends that are married accidentally found theirs before the proposal in one of those drawers...They played it cool and fessed up to finding the ring after the proposal went down (we still laugh about it to this day). So excited for you!!

Haha...good to know! I know it's really important to BF that the ring is a total surprise (I don't even know what stone he picked for the ring!) so I don't want to ruin that but it took all of my self-control not to snoop at least a little!

loves2shop4shoes

Beth, STOP LOOKING FOR YOUR MINIATURE HORSE!

Oh...and squee!

500days

OMG @bethsmiles! I mean you know your BF, if you think something's up then yeaaah something's up! 

psychbabe314

YAY! I really did a squee there :-)  @bethsmiles hopefully next weekend is amazing!

suzie211

@bethsmiles I can't wait to see that pony!