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Etiquette

Bridesmaid got new Ink

2

Re: Bridesmaid got new Ink

  • I do not want visible ink that is very much true regardless of the venue, however the site of the wedding is a religious temple and it does have very strict rules and up until this point everyone was in compliance with them. The majority of guests are not invited to it the actual wedding, they are invited to the ring ceremony and shindig that follows which is a very common practice for our faith. When the bridesmaid in question asked me if she could be in the wedding (She is a very sweet girl I work with) I told her I'd love for her to but I wanted her to understand the responsibilities that it involves with all the reasons behind them. She was OK with everything I listed out and said it would be no problem. I never said she did it to hurt me, I said she did it even knowing it would make me upset. She didn't do it with the intentions of hurting me, she did it and didn't care if it would. 
    psychbabe314
  • Blue_BirdBlue_Bird Bawlmer member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    I do not want visible ink that is very much true regardless of the venue, however the site of the wedding is a religious temple and it does have very strict rules and up until this point everyone was in compliance with them. The majority of guests are not invited to it the actual wedding, they are invited to the ring ceremony and shindig that follows which is a very common practice for our faith. When the bridesmaid in question asked me if she could be in the wedding (She is a very sweet girl I work with) I told her I'd love for her to but I wanted her to understand the responsibilities that it involves with all the reasons behind them. She was OK with everything I listed out and said it would be no problem. I never said she did it to hurt me, I said she did it even knowing it would make me upset. She didn't do it with the intentions of hurting me, she did it and didn't care if it would. 
    Oh, please share.
  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes BOS, NYC, DC. Forever a city girl member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited September 2013
    You cannot be a real person. I know you're making all of this up. Good joke! Thanks for all the laughs! With the money you're throwing around, you couldn't buy me to be your friend.
    melbelleupgrumbledore

  •  but she knew i was going to be upset before she did it
    Of course she knew, you seem unreasonable and rude so of course she knew you would be upset. Also how short would anyone's hair be that a stylist couldn't work with it at all?  I guess if people shaved their heads bald but was that a legitimate concern of yours? 
    melbelleupPrettyGirlLost
  • doeydodoeydo Southwestern Ontario member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    edited September 2013
    The fact is , we all sat down and discussed it on the front end. Everyone agreed to not get their hair cut really short or add any new ink in a visible spot until after the wedding. They all knew the general vibe I was going for. I am asking her to cover it up now because she went against what she originally agreed to do, If she doesn't want to cover it, she can not be in the wedding plain and simple. She knew what she was doing when she did it. She knew it would hurt me and did it anyways. As a friend I'm asking her to cover it up that;s how I can have her stay in the wedding, if she can'twon't cover it up then she's not being a very good friend to me to begin with and probably doesn't need to be in the bridal party. 

    Wow.  You cannot dictate what haircut a BM has, let alone what tattoos she chooses to put on her body.  Just have her in your wedding party and be happy that she is there to celebrate and support you on your day.  Aside from buying a dress, that is all she is "required" to do as a bridesmaid, regardless of what ridiculous guidelines you gave them.  
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    simplykaylamelbelleupPrettyGirlLost
  • MGPMGP member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    edited September 2013
    When the bridesmaid in question asked me if she could be in the wedding (She is a very sweet girl I work with) I told her I'd love for her to but I wanted her to understand the responsibilities that it involves with all the reasons behind them. 
    Did anyone else catch this?  Who would ASK to be a bridesmaid in this debacle?  I am sure this poor girl is now kicking herself.
    doeydomelbelleuplauralee1723ashleyep
  • You know what OP, go ahead and stick with your tactics as a complete bridezilla. Kick the girl out of your wedding. She is WAY better off not being your friend, because you are, based on your multiple posts, a shitty friend. 

    RebeccaB88PrettyGirlLost
  • doeydodoeydo Southwestern Ontario member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    The venue has a dress code and it does not allow for exposed tattoos, which is why I made the statement of no new ink to them when it wasn't an issue. Yes I asked them to grow their hair out a little, why? because I was going to pay for them all to have professional up styling and it would suck to be the one person who didn't get their hair done because it was too short to work with. Believe what you want, you can try to make this into me being a bridzilla and maybe I am being one, but she knew i was going to be upset before she did it. So much in the fact she texted me saying she knew I was going to be upset but she did it anyways. I have bent over backwards trying to help each one of them out with the wedding, off setting costs with my own money flat out buying things when she claims she didn't have the funds because I love her and want her there. Now when she didn't have the $40 for the BM dress or the $30 for the shoes she magically can come up with money for ink. So I'm pissed. I'll get over it. 
    First bold: I agree with one of the PPs that you are using this as a cop out.  
    Second bold: Women with short hair can get their hair styled.  
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    melbelleupPrettyGirlLost
  • ohmrs2014ohmrs2014 Dirty Jerz mod
    Moderator 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary
    I feel like I need to jump on this.  My BMs have tattoos and I do as well.  I love the fact that they will be shown, including my own.  They show each of our personalities.  I would never in a million years tell them to cover them unless my church told me that I had too.  In your original post you never made mention of the venue or church/temple for being the reason why you didn't want tattoos exposed.  So I agree that its a cop out.  And if its right on her neck, she can easily wear her down and it will be covered.  There, problem solved.  

    And it's so rude of you to tell them that they can't cut their hair.  It's their hair!!!  Who are you to tell to tell them what to do with their hair or bodies.  My mom has a short hair cut, a little longer than a pixie cut and it looks great on her.  And yes, she will still be able to get her hair styled, because guess what, people with short hair can still get their hair done.

    Bridezilla is the best word to describe you.  You BMs are not props, they are people with feelings and obviously you asked them to stand up with you for a reason so try to remember than reason before you try to run their lives and control what they do because if you don't, you might lose your friends.
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    doeydosimplykayla[Deleted User]CheleLyn
  • Dreamergirl8812Dreamergirl8812 your closet member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    The venue has a dress code and it does not allow for exposed tattoos, which is why I made the statement of no new ink to them when it wasn't an issue. Yes I asked them to grow their hair out a little, why? because I was going to pay for them all to have professional up styling and it would suck to be the one person who didn't get their hair done because it was too short to work with. Believe what you want, you can try to make this into me being a bridzilla and maybe I am being one, but she knew i was going to be upset before she did it. So much in the fact she texted me saying she knew I was going to be upset but she did it anyways. I have bent over backwards trying to help each one of them out with the wedding, off setting costs with my own money flat out buying things when she claims she didn't have the funds because I love her and want her there. Now when she didn't have the $40 for the BM dress or the $30 for the shoes she magically can come up with money for ink. So I'm pissed. I'll get over it. 
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    doeydo
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I do not want visible ink that is very much true regardless of the venue, however the site of the wedding is a religious temple and it does have very strict rules and up until this point everyone was in compliance with them. The majority of guests are not invited to it the actual wedding, they are invited to the ring ceremony and shindig that follows which is a very common practice for our faith. When the bridesmaid in question asked me if she could be in the wedding (She is a very sweet girl I work with) I told her I'd love for her to but I wanted her to understand the responsibilities that it involves with all the reasons behind them. She was OK with everything I listed out and said it would be no problem. I never said she did it to hurt me, I said she did it even knowing it would make me upset. She didn't do it with the intentions of hurting me, she did it and didn't care if it would. 

    OK....so now it's not the venue that has the issue, it is the temple.  Do you know for certain that all of your guests are in compliance?  Is there some sort of tattoo checker at the door?  

    You also say, "I do not want visible ink that is very much true regardless of the venue".....so then it IS in fact your personal choice versus the mandates of any venue/temple.  

    You TOLD your BM's that they HAD to have a certain dress and specific shoes.  You told them to grow their hair. Do you not hear how you sound?
    [Deleted User]
  • This is MUD. But JIC it's not....

    - it is against etiquette to dictate the length of your BMs' hair or whether or not they have visible tattoos. You have breached etiquette here and should apologize to your BMs and make it right.
    - if your temple truly has a restriction, then you let her know. You offer to pay for it to be covered up or you offer to pay to have her hair styled so that it's covered. (It's on you for choosing a venue that restricts this. Also, I 100% do not buy it that they'd actually kick someone out over this - 1) in weddings, they can't control all guests and 2) what if a guest does have a visible tattoo? They have temple bouncers that escort them out? MUD.)
    - If you ask this girl to step out of your wedding it will end your friendship... though that might be a good thing for her.
    *********************************************************************************

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    PrettyGirlLost
  • mobkaz said:
    I do not want visible ink that is very much true regardless of the venue, however the site of the wedding is a religious temple and it does have very strict rules and up until this point everyone was in compliance with them. The majority of guests are not invited to it the actual wedding, they are invited to the ring ceremony and shindig that follows which is a very common practice for our faith. When the bridesmaid in question asked me if she could be in the wedding (She is a very sweet girl I work with) I told her I'd love for her to but I wanted her to understand the responsibilities that it involves with all the reasons behind them. She was OK with everything I listed out and said it would be no problem. I never said she did it to hurt me, I said she did it even knowing it would make me upset. She didn't do it with the intentions of hurting me, she did it and didn't care if it would. 

    OK....so now it's not the venue that has the issue, it is the temple.  Do you know for certain that all of your guests are in compliance?  Is there some sort of tattoo checker at the door?  

    You also say, "I do not want visible ink that is very much true regardless of the venue".....so then it IS in fact your personal choice versus the mandates of any venue/temple.  

    You TOLD your BM's that they HAD to have a certain dress and specific shoes.  You told them to grow their hair. Do you not hear how you sound?


    Anyone catch the purple bolded? See, she doesn't have to worry about guests with tattoos because they can't come to the wedding. There's far too much back peddling here. Way way too much.

    But, if it *truly* is the temple's requirement then you simply have her wear her hair down and/or wear a jacket or pashmina to cover up the tattoo. Problem solved! That was easy!

    After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!

    PrettyGirlLost
  • Clearly the "vibe" you want for your wedding party is more important to you than honoring your friendships, so why don't you just call your local live theatre group and inquire about how to go about holding auditions for women of a certain type? This way you can regulate height, weight, hair color and style, and body modifications. You'll have to pay the people you decide to cast, of course, but at least you'll be assured of getting the "certain vibe" you're going for.

    simplykaylaKeptInStitchessouthernbelle0915kitty8403
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    The venue has a dress code and it does not allow for exposed tattoos, which is why I made the statement of no new ink to them when it wasn't an issue. Yes I asked them to grow their hair out a little, why? because I was going to pay for them all to have professional up styling and it would suck to be the one person who didn't get their hair done because it was too short to work with. Believe what you want, you can try to make this into me being a bridzilla and maybe I am being one, but she knew i was going to be upset before she did it. So much in the fact she texted me saying she knew I was going to be upset but she did it anyways. I have bent over backwards trying to help each one of them out with the wedding, off setting costs with my own money flat out buying things when she claims she didn't have the funds because I love her and want her there. Now when she didn't have the $40 for the BM dress or the $30 for the shoes she magically can come up with money for ink. So I'm pissed. I'll get over it. 
    Bullshit.

    Also, you bring superficial to a whole new level.  You are absolutely disgusting.  

    Please kick her out.  Everyone deserves to know who you really are.  
    Blue_BirdPrettyGirlLost
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Has someone declared this weekend "First Post = MUD"?  The one on Ceremony and Vows about 3 Bridesmaids and a Gay Best Friend is another pathetic example of either lame attempts at MUD or an indication of a l.o.n.g winter on TK.
  • It shouldn't matter to you if she has tattoos.  It is her body and she can get whatever tattoo she wants, whenever she wants to get it.  Her tattoo will not effect your wedding, your marriage, or anything that should be your concern.  Leave it alone and move on to something more important. 
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    doeydo
  • classyduckclassyduck member
    100 Comments 100 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited September 2013
    Your friend agreed to terms that you laid out up front, and then she renegged. So yes, in that sense, you have a right to be upset because she knowingly broke her word. However, the question everyone else has brought up, is were your terms reasonable to begin with? Probably not, which sort of cancels out your right to be upset. It's like, even in an at-will state, an employer can still be found at fault for firing an employee if their reasons were really shitty.
    The bridesmaid position is a position of honor for them. You are honoring them. Its a favor for them to stand up there for you. There are no responsibilities. They are not props.
    I had mixed feelings about this thread until I read this comment. And really, I think this is what it boils down to.

    Are their functions as bridesmaids to be honored by you, or for them to offer honor for you?

    Since you've been very vague about the particular religion of this temple where the ceremony is happening (which is suspicious), I don't know what the religious customs that dictate their role might be. It IS true that religious rituals often have certain protocols about the roles different people play in a ceremony -- including appearance and how one treats their bodies -- so I suppose if tattoos are taboo in your religion, I could see why this might be a problem. However, since you didn't bring this up in your initial post, I'm skeptical. Initially, you talked about "vibes," but I think breaking religious taboos would have trumped vibes, if that were really the issue.

    Decide what purpose your bridesmaids serve. If there are religious prescriptions for their roles, fine. Otherwise, it is your preference, and if you decide that they are there to serve you, then yes, you are, as the other posters have suggested, a bridezilla.

    EDIT: It just occurred to me that the OP may be mormon (they worship in temples). Tattoos ARE very religiously taboo, and considered shameful by some mormons and "disrespectful of their bodies". If this is the case, it may be why the OP asked for no tattoos and more traditional hairstyles. She may not be able to control what her guests do, but the OP is concerned about the participants in a religious ceremony. I have a feeling that these sorts of dress-code rules would be enforced for members of the congregation, but forgiven for guests, even if the enforcement is just via social pressure.

    So, having said all that, I really think the OP's primary motivation is that she wants all the barbies in her PPD to be matchy-matchy, however, the OP may also want to avoid the social disapproval of her choice of bridesmaids. ("Oh my, why would she ask someone with tattoos to be in her wedding?")

    Personally, I don't give a crap about this sort of social approval (part of why I'm not religious in the first place), but that's just me. I think caring more for what people think of you, instead of caring about your friends, says a lot about someone's character... I suppose in conservative religious communities, social pressure can be MUCH greater, but still. I have a hard time sympathizing.

    I'm making some HUGE leaps here by inventing this scenario. And to be honest, even if it is true, I don't really think it forgives her behavior. Again, I think if religious prescriptions were really the main problem, the OP would have brought these issues up FIRST, and not "vibes".
    PrettyGirlLostOjitosVerdes
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    If OP were Mormon and her friend were not, then she wouldn't be allowed in the temple for the ceremony anyway.  If she were Mormon she probably wouldn't have tattoos in the first place.  Out of curiosity, OP, clarify?

    @classyduck, even if they have a religious ceremonial role, bridesmaids are still an honorary role - they are being honored by the bride by being asked to fulfill that role for the ceremony. 



    grumbledorePrettyGirlLostsouthernbelle0915
  • My Bridesmaids will also be aware there are to be no visable tattoos showing. So I am with you that it would be ok to ask her to cover it especially since you had addressed it in the beginning. My cousins for one of a few reasons will not be in the wedding party because I really do no want a south park ninja showing in the pictures.

    pibetafly09psychbabe314
  • if my "friend" told me not to cut my hair and not to get a tattoo in a visible place, I would totally cut my hair and show up on the wedding day with a temp tat on my cheek... joking, but in all seriousness, these are your FRIENDS. Please do not micromanage them.  Its one day vs. their bodies and their life.  You are seriously worried it will ruin your pictures?  I promise you will still get more attention than her tattoo.  Why are you upset about this?  They should not have even had to agree with such nonsense to begin with.  Wouldn't you be more upset if this so called close friend was not even in your wedding party?  I would hope its more important to you to have your nearest and dearest standing by your side.  Get over it, or be prepared to lose a friend... and please apologize to your friends for trying to control their appearances.  
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    grumbledoredoeydo
  • Blue_BirdBlue_Bird Bawlmer member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    WTF!! Why do people think that because you are getting married you can dictate what your friends do with their bodies!! SERIOUSLY. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!? What about getting married makes women thing they suddenly control their friends?!?! Drives me so fucking crazy! If you don't respect your friends and their own decisions then maybe you shouldn't be their friend any longer. This is the biggest subject that makes me stabby! Fuck!! Lets just get this straight with everyone BEING A BRIDE DOES NOT MEAN YOU CONTROL YOUR FRIENDS' BODIES! Jesus christ! 
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    grumbledore
  • smalfrie19smalfrie19 Home of SB XLVIII Champs member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Name Dropper
    Blue_Bird said:
    WTF!! Why do people think that because you are getting married you can dictate what your friends do with their bodies!! SERIOUSLY. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!? What about getting married makes women thing they suddenly control their friends?!?! Drives me so fucking crazy! If you don't respect your friends and their own decisions then maybe you shouldn't be their friend any longer. This is the biggest subject that makes me stabby! Fuck!! Lets just get this straight with everyone BEING A BRIDE DOES NOT MEAN YOU CONTROL YOUR FRIENDS' BODIES! Jesus christ! 
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    Seriously! Bride=/= queen of the world who rules under royal decree. GAH!! 
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