Best friend vs. Sister: MOH controversy..

DanyelleGay

I know who my bridesmaids are going to be, but I am waiting to officially ask them until one of them gets back to the States from serving in the Peace Corps in Rwanda in November. 

My problem lies in my MOH. I know that my best friend of 10 years is going to be my MOH, hands down. She knows it, I know it, my fiance knows it, and my friends know it. My mother, grandmother and sister, on the other hand, seem to think that my sister is going to be MOH. This has just come to my attention and I don't know how to break the news to my sister..

I know, family comes before everything and I've heard, "it's your day, do what you want".. I have heard it all. But I am still stuck with this problem.

A little background: I hate my sister. Hate is a strong word.. I strongly dislike her. She is a competitive bitch and I can't stand her. Personally, she should be happy she is even in my wedding party. She is 14 months younger than me and thinks that because she has a 3 year old daughter, that she deserves to come out first in everything. She deleted me on Facebook when my fiance and I got a house before her and her boyfriend. She ignored me as my family congratulated me when I got engaged. She acted like a 13 year old teenager, grounded and forced, when my mother asked her to come look at dresses with us. She may not have acknowledged my engagement, but she did go out and bought clearance Bachelorette props at the local Michael's Craft Store, which my family thought was precious. 

I don't want her to be my MOH, but even just mentioning the idea of my best friend coming up with Bachelorette plans starts fights between my family and I. Now what?

KeptInStitches

You get to pick your bridal party. The best thing you can probably do is bean-dip your family; that is, when they say your sister should be your MOH, you say something like "Oh, I really want my friend Ashley to be my MOH. Have you had any of this bean dip?" Refuse to engage them in that conversation. In fact, since your bridal party should be your nearest and dearest, why even include her? It sounds like she'd just be a huge source of stress for you.

SlothGoals

Don't mention anything about your sister not being your MOH. Ask her to be a BM and if she asks who your MOH is say, "Sally is my MOH." and leave it at that. You do not owe her an explanation of any sort.

Also, stop talking about your MOH planning things. When/if your MOH wants help with those things she'll ask people.

DanyelleGay

I love the "bean dip" idea, that's very smart. I just feel bad because my family is paying for most of the wedding, it they make it seem like an unwritten condition. 

SlothGoals

If you feel like this is going to be a condition attached to the money another option is to decline the money and thus cut the strings.

manateehugger

You could just not have an MOH. I'm not having one. No one seems to care. Drama averted. 

And if you think your family is going to control your wedding, I'd consider refusing their money and paying for it yourself so you and FI can have the final say. 

ShallowSeas

I was in a wedding similar to this. The bride had a twin sister that everyone in the family assumed would be MOH, but the bride couldn't stand her sister for very valid reasons, so she chose her best friend as MOH instead. It caused an uproar for a little bit and the sister was all pissy and crying, but just because someone is family doesn't entitle them to be MOH, or even in the wedding period. Don't please others and go against what you want. This is your day and it should be how you want it. Yes, you may get some backlash from your decisions but eventually they will get over it.

KatWAG

Are you going to ask her to be involved in your wedding? BM? Reader? Usher?

climbingsingle

I'm sort of dealing with a similar situation. My FI does not want his brother to be his BM. And I totally understand why. They don't have a good relationship. His brother was up visiting two weeks ago and he already mentioned about being the BM - I cringed. That's going to be an uncomfortable conversation for FI. 

Dreamergirl8812

Even if your parents are paying, they have absolutely no say in your wedding party. You decide yours; FI decides his. You don't owe anyone an explanation for your choices. This is one of the very few areas where "It's YOUR day" actually applies. Enjoy it while you can.

As the ladies here say, your MOH/BMs are the people you would call at 2am if you had to hide a body.

Cokezerofreak

I can't say I can't stand my sister but she's not making it easy on me being the MOH.  She's older, always the prettier, nicer, smarter, [insert adjective here] better sister.  She's my MOH because I didn't want to hear it from my parents for the rest of my life that I should have chosen her as my MOH.  I came to the realization it's just jealousy because she's not married yet and how could that be because of all those adjectives. 

If you have the guts to say no, do it.  I didn't.

carissaroberts

Ew ew ew!! I'm so upset by this situation! CHOOSE your MOH. Do not even let them hold it against you. My best friend from high school is my MOH and my best friend from college is my bridesmaid. My sister nor my FI's sister is in the wedding. I didn't even discuss it with anybody. It was my choice and that was it. With the way your sister has been treating you, are you even sure you want her in your wedding party?? That might be taking it too far but creating a wedding is stressful enough, there's no time to deal with unwanted bridesmaids sister drama. 

APDSS22

I ended up choosing my sister for my MOH because my friend circle is extremely catty and none of them were going to let me enjoy planning my wedding in peace if I had picked someone else.  That being said, I only had one other bridesmaid and she was amazing throughout planning.  I had some "why isn't (then) FI's sister a bridesmaid?" Mostly from his family.  I actually posted about it on TK before I chose my bridal party because I didn't want her to feel left out, but we aren't close.  As the PPs have said, you get to choose your wedding party and they should be who you would call if you needed to move a dead body or get bailed out of jail in the middle of the night. 

If bean dipping doesn't work, try asking them politely how they think your sister would respond if you called in the middle of the night needing to move a corpse.  That should stun them long enough for you to get away.

princessleia22

Make your own choice and defend it.  It may be okay to allow family to have some opinion in wedding details, especially if they are helping pay for it, but if it is something that will really make you unhappy or you will later regret, do what you want regardless of what everyone else thinks.  It sounds like you are pretty determined on this one.  Family may get upset temporarily, but they will likely get over it.  And if you and your sister really don't get along, I'm sure she will understand why you didn't choose her, without you needing to tell her.  

I would probably address it in a less direct manner and send out cards to all of the BM's, asking them to be in your wedding.  Have the cards list who is invited to be in the wedding party & the positions they are being invited to hold.  This way you don't need to have a direct confrontation with your sister and she will have some time to vent (if needed).  

Something like this may work (I would add MOH or BM under the names though):

http://img0.etsystatic.com/000/0/6098407/il_fullxfull.332828230.jpg?ref=l2

Or maybe:

http://diy.weddingbee.com/topic/will-you-be-my-bridesmaid-9#axzz2hLa4vnAY

And if your sister is unhappy being a bridesmaid, tell her that she has the option to not be in the wedding party at all.

KeptInStitches

I'd avoid cutesy ideas when asking BMs, and I'd avoid listing who else is in the BP. Cutesy ideas: if she needs/wants to say no, she might be pressured into saying yes when she's not comfortable. Listing the other members: why do they need to know right now? Plus again someone might say no.

thisismynickname2

Well... Allow me to just present other possibilities to keep the family peace. Two maids of honor? Or, give the title of MOH to your sister but don't accept any planning help if offered? All the other BMs will still be by your side; your best friend isn't going to not do something just because she didn't get a title, right? Family... family is tricky. Only you know how this will turn out if you deny her the title. All the party has to do is show up, so in the end, is a title worth the drama? Good luck!

MissMolly

DanyelleGay said:

I know who my bridesmaids are going to be, but I am waiting to officially ask them until one of them gets back to the States from serving in the Peace Corps in Rwanda in November. 

My problem lies in my MOH. I know that my best friend of 10 years is going to be my MOH, hands down. She knows it, I know it, my fiance knows it, and my friends know it. My mother, grandmother and sister, on the other hand, seem to think that my sister is going to be MOH. This has just come to my attention and I don't know how to break the news to my sister..

I know, family comes before everything and I've heard, "it's your day, do what you want".. I have heard it all. But I am still stuck with this problem.

A little background: I hate my sister. Hate is a strong word.. I strongly dislike her. She is a competitive bitch and I can't stand her. Personally, she should be happy she is even in my wedding party. She is 14 months younger than me and thinks that because she has a 3 year old daughter, that she deserves to come out first in everything. She deleted me on Facebook when my fiance and I got a house before her and her boyfriend. She ignored me as my family congratulated me when I got engaged. She acted like a 13 year old teenager, grounded and forced, when my mother asked her to come look at dresses with us. She may not have acknowledged my engagement, but she did go out and bought clearance Bachelorette props at the local Michael's Craft Store, which my family thought was precious. 

I don't want her to be my MOH, but even just mentioning the idea of my best friend coming up with Bachelorette plans starts fights between my family and I. Now what?

If you want your best friend to be your MOH, then she should be your MOH. You get to pick your wedding party, and no one else should have a say in that. Honestly, if you dislike your sister that much, why is she even in your WP? If she creates drama now, that won't change, and you can expect her to be a drama queen while you're planning your wedding. To me, she sounds extremely immature, and if I were you, I probably wouldn't acknowledge her little dramatic gestures. As to the last bolded text, why did she go out and buy this stuff for your bachelorette party? Is she planning it? Also, when my sister planned my shower/stagette, she went to Michael's and did exactly that--bought discounted items for decor, serving plates, napkins, etc. I thought this was fabulous, and was really glad that she didn't go out and blow a huge budget on things that were either getting used once, or getting tossed right after use.

maryemoo

DanyelleGay said:

I know who my bridesmaids are going to be, but I am waiting to officially ask them until one of them gets back to the States from serving in the Peace Corps in Rwanda in November. 

My problem lies in my MOH. I know that my best friend of 10 years is going to be my MOH, hands down. She knows it, I know it, my fiance knows it, and my friends know it. My mother, grandmother and sister, on the other hand, seem to think that my sister is going to be MOH. This has just come to my attention and I don't know how to break the news to my sister..

I know, family comes before everything and I've heard, "it's your day, do what you want".. I have heard it all. But I am still stuck with this problem.

A little background: I hate my sister. Hate is a strong word.. I strongly dislike her. She is a competitive bitch and I can't stand her. Personally, she should be happy she is even in my wedding party. She is 14 months younger than me and thinks that because she has a 3 year old daughter, that she deserves to come out first in everything. She deleted me on Facebook when my fiance and I got a house before her and her boyfriend. She ignored me as my family congratulated me when I got engaged. She acted like a 13 year old teenager, grounded and forced, when my mother asked her to come look at dresses with us. She may not have acknowledged my engagement, but she did go out and bought clearance Bachelorette props at the local Michael's Craft Store, which my family thought was precious. 

I don't want her to be my MOH, but even just mentioning the idea of my best friend coming up with Bachelorette plans starts fights between my family and I. Now what?

Stick to your guns--if I were in your position she'd be a guest and that's it! You have every reason not to want her to be your MOH--that's the person you rely on most.

maryemoo

thisismynickname said:

Well... Allow me to just present other possibilities to keep the family peace. Two maids of honor? Or, give the title of MOH to your sister but don't accept any planning help if offered? All the other BMs will still be by your side; your best friend isn't going to not do something just because she didn't get a title, right? Family... family is tricky. Only you know how this will turn out if you deny her the title. All the party has to do is show up, so in the end, is a title worth the drama? Good luck!

Why should she have to do any of that, just to make her sister happy? It's not her sister's wedding. Even if it causes discord, it's HER choice, and they'll get over it...and if they don't, they obviously don't care that much about her to begin with.

MrsLillyG

I would make them both MOHs.  It might not be worth the drama to just pick you friend.

Vivandiere8

I like that there is at least one thing all the brides on here seem to consistently agree about, and that is that the bride gets to chose her wedding party. Everything else we will suggest trying to find a way to make everyone else happy too, but this one thing we get... To chose our own bridal party no matter what people think or say!

[Deleted User]

I know this is controversial, but I actually decided not to have an official MOH for similiar reasons. Instead, I decided to make all of my four bridesmaids "maid of honors" in their own form, delegating each one to take a responsibility that the MOH would usually take. My best friend is doing the speech, my fiance's 1st sister is planning the bridal shower, my second best friend is planning the bachelorette party, and my fiance's 2nd sister will be taking care of all logistics day before/day of (making sure all other bridesmaids are on time, fixing the veil, etc) Everyone seems to like this, and I think it really highlights all of my friend's/family's talents. They seem to be working well together, too, like helping each other out with things. This could be an option for you, having two MOH with different responsibilities!

AshleyNicole1218

LaurM711 said:

I know this is controversial, but I actually decided not to have an official MOH for similiar reasons. Instead, I decided to make all of my four bridesmaids "maid of honors" in their own form, delegating each one to take a responsibility that the MOH would usually take. My best friend is doing the speech, my fiance's 1st sister is planning the bridal shower, my second best friend is planning the bachelorette party, and my fiance's 2nd sister will be taking care of all logistics day before/day of (making sure all other bridesmaids are on time, fixing the veil, etc) Everyone seems to like this, and I think it really highlights all of my friend's/family's talents. They seem to be working well together, too, like helping each other out with things. This could be an option for you, having two MOH with different responsibilities!

The controversial part is delegating tasks, not having four MOHs. I couldn't imagine assigning a single task to the most important women in my life. Its enough for me to have them there with me...I don't need them planning parties or being my unpaid DOC.

I'm so confused at where being a bridesmaid became a reason to give your friends and loved ones a time consuming/money sucking task, responsibility, etc. And just because someone doesn't cringe when you ask or "delegate" them to be your party planner/DOC/favor assembler/other crappy task doesn't mean they want to do it or enjoy it. TRUST ME. Been there, done that, still have a bad taste in my mouth.

*edited: spelling

aurorajanette

LaurM711 said:

I know this is controversial, but I actually decided not to have an official MOH for similiar reasons. Instead, I decided to make all of my four bridesmaids "maid of honors" in their own form, delegating each one to take a responsibility that the MOH would usually take. My best friend is doing the speech, my fiance's 1st sister is planning the bridal shower, my second best friend is planning the bachelorette party, and my fiance's 2nd sister will be taking care of all logistics day before/day of (making sure all other bridesmaids are on time, fixing the veil, etc) Everyone seems to like this, and I think it really highlights all of my friend's/family's talents. They seem to be working well together, too, like helping each other out with things. This could be an option for you, having two MOH with different responsibilities!

So you recruited your friends and family only to dump tasks on them? The only job of the bridal party is to show up on the day of the wedding with their dress on. Anything else that they choose to do for you is a really generous extra. Delegating someone to throw a party in your honor is not only tacky, it is extremely rude. How did you decide who gets the honor of throwing you your shower and who gets the honor of giving a speech? There is a huge financial difference between the two. What if your FI's sister can't financially swing a shower for you? Now she has to because you demanded it of her? That is a huge responsibility!

As PP said, because I'm sure you're thinking, 'oh they were so excited that I delegated these tasks to them'... believe me, they weren't. I am my sister's MOH, and I am really excited to throw a surprise shower for her. If she would have told me that it was now my responsibility to throw her shower for her, I would be pissed! Because she's my sister, I would have no problem having a little come to Jesus conversation with her about how rude it is to demand a party in your own honor, but my guess is that your FI's sister most likely doesn't feel comfortable enough with you to tell you how distasteful that was.

You should now do some damage control... meet with your MOH's individually and make it clear that you love them and want them in your wedding for their love and support, and not for their financial and time donations to making you feel special. Make it clear to them that they are cleared of any obligation to do anything other than stand next to you in a pretty dress on the day of your wedding.