Second Weddings

2nd Marriage, Older Kids Moving Together

We are both widowers who lost spouses 3 years ago to cancer and have found one another.  Such joy!  We have 2 children each -- 19 & 20, and 19 & 23 -- who all still live at home -- 3 of them in college right now, but commute. Our families, right now live 45 minutes away from each other.  Kids seem to like one another on the surface, but with their independent lives, girlfriends/boyfriends, jobs, schools, activities and friends, barely have time to get to know each other.  However, we just brought up the topic of moving together (no room in either of our present houses.) So we all need to purge, fix things up, repaint everywhere and list our homes and move together into a larger home which can accommodate everyone.  At first, the kids applauded our relationship... wanting us to be happy.  Now they are reluctant and resistant to change.  We are trying to involve the kids in decisions and house hunting, but one (the only girl) is particularly upset about losing her home.  Our philosophy is that a house is not a HOME... it is where you are loved as a family... but she wants no part of that.  Do you have any advice for us in combining our families and moving, to ease the transition, which we hope takes place over the next year before the wedding?  And NO... the kids do not pay anything to live with us, although they are over 18.

Thanks, and good luck to all of you brides.

Re: 2nd Marriage, Older Kids Moving Together

  • Losing a parent is difficult for a child of any age, it may not be the home she doesn't want lose but the memories, furnishings and items from the parent she lost. She is still healing from the loss of her parent and isn't ready to "move on" fully.  That is normal, she's happy for you but doesn't want to let go of the memories of her home when her parent was alive. 

    You might want to talk with her to find out if this is it, she may need a little more time or maybe some grief counseling to help her understand that the material things in life will change that doesn't diminish the memories of the person who passed.  

    Hope this helps and welcome to the board. 
  • It's not easy.  But some of this depends on how long until you plan to do this.  Because they are all on the cusp of living independently.  Sure, she'd love to have her home of origin to return to.  But (as my very wise DH told me as I cried selling the house I had raised my kids in) it's not the bricks and mortar, the grass & trees that she loves, it's the memories of people (her Dad) and events that she treasures.  She will always have those, no matter where she lives.  If she wants to have the visual triggers, she can make a video walk around the house and narrate it (or not) if she chooses.

    This is probably a talk for all the kids, because they probably all have a touch of this.  One thing I said to the kids (older teens at the time) was that they would soon be out living their lives, and that I was looking forward to living mine.  I also said that if I put my life on hold for them, they would be moving on and leaving me behind.  They understood, as much as young adults can. 

    One practical piece of advice - try to find a way to give them all their own space.  Forced togetherness at this age might be tough.  Doesn't have to be their own room, but at least  rooms that allow each one their own portion.  ~Donna

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