Someone actually asked if they could be my Bridesmaid!

CommitmentCat

Having never been married before I'm not sure if this is the done thing...but I am slightly (maybe a little more than slightly) annoyed.

A friend of mine who lives abroad, asked me if she will be one of my bridesmaids. We have been friends for nearly 8 years, but I felt very put on the spot and it made me feel extremely awkward because unfortunately at this point in time the answer is no. I really just want my sister, that's it, no friends. It was via skype and I probably just should have flat out said no but it was super awkward so my response was that I have not finalised the exact plans yet because there is still a big possibility we will just get married in Thailand instead, and on top of that I don't even know if she will be in the country for our wedding. Her response was that she will never miss our wedding day.

Does it sound like I have accidentally agreed to a bridesmaid? Not once did I say yes. I tried to just brush past the subject...

But really, who asks to be a bridesmaid?  

Maggie0829

No you do not sound like you agreed to anything.

You would be surprised at how many people actually do this type of thing.  I really don't think that people think about what they are saying or asking before it comes out of their mouths.  I would just let it roll off your shoulders and don't say anything more about it to her.  If she ends up asking again then just simply say that you have decided to just have your sister in your wedding party.

cowgirl8238

One of my friends did the same thing to me.  We were out at dinner and then she just bluntly looked me in the face and asked.  At the time I wasn't really set on who would be in the wedding party so I just told her I hadn't thought about it yet.  She seemed a bit upset about it but we both just moved past it.  A few months latter I asked her (along with the other 3 girls I was planning on asking) and she was like, "are you sure this isn't because I asked?"  Obviously she is one of my closest friends so it wasn't because she asked, but it was all just so awkward in conversation. 

Anyway, in your case it sounds like you didn't agree to it and I would just let it be.  If she asks again tell her what you told us, that you only wanted your sister in your WP.  GL and happy planning! 

CommitmentCat

Thanks for the advice ladies! It nice to get some outside perspective on it. I have been obsessing over this conversation with her. I am just going to act like it never happened and if she brings it up again, I'm just going to have to be honest with her. She's flying in for a visit next week and staying for a few months so I'm sure it will come up at some point, and sadly I don't have the usefulness of a fake skype stall to hide behind. 

AnnastasiaZ

thankfully this was not done to me! Now one of my FI's friends he has known since grade school asked him if he was going to be in our wedding party. personally i couldn't believe the audacity originally he was just going to ask brothers and cousins in the end he did pick one of his friends but not the one who asked. Just tell your friend that you were just going to stick to family but it doesn't mean you care about them any less. if they are a true friend they should understand.

Marzipan13

I have friends who did this as well when they found out I was engaged.  It's childish, isn't it?  I hate when people step on your wedding because they think it's THEIR day.

In my opinion, it does not sound like you agreed to her being a bridesmaid.  If anything was misconstrued, it is her fault, not yours.  (And a Thailand wedding sounds amazing!!  Do you have family there?)

Good luck

CommitmentCat

@Marzipan13 Ah, it gets worse, she has arrived in town and when I mentioned my engagement party she asked to plan it. I was merely telling her it will be sometime late November when I give my mom and my sister the date that I think will be good! I did tell her she couldn't because they were throwing the party for us.I am taking a new angle on it and just going with the thought that she cares very much...I just hate hurting her feelings so I'm still brushing it off. I think I'm now becoming the villain in this situation because I really believe she thinks she will be a bridesmaid and I have not just told her straight that she isn't, even thought I never asked her or agreed to it!

We don't have family in Thailand, we both just think that it might be a nice way to escape the chaos of actually planning a wedding! All our immediate family are happy with it and our closest friends have all agreed as long as we give enough notice. So it's just the decision whether I want the big wedding or the little one, and also whether I can get the legal requirements right in Thailand. They are a bit tricky if you don't do the PPD thing, which I don't want to do!

JCbride2015

This happened to me but even more awkwardly because we aren't even close friends.  One of my FI's college friends who absolutely has a crush on him and is always making comments like "You're so lucky" and "[FI] is such a catch."  Sweet girl, and she's flirty with men in general so I think that's also part of what's going on, but we really are not good friends.  She has asked me and FI, in person, many many times if she can be a bridesmaid.  I generally just laugh it off like it's a joke.  It's awkward every time, especially because she keeps doing it.  OP, good luck!  Your Thailand plans sound awesome.

tabathafaye

I actually had a girl I used to be close with (years and years ago) declare she was going to be my maid of honor. She did this before Nick and I were engaged. 

I recently told her she wasn't it, and it hurt her feelings. I felt bad, but I shouldn't feel guilty for choosing my current closest friend!

RUDE!

MRSreadcomicbooks

I had a friend who did this too!  Needless to say we don't talk much anymore, not even a year after getting engaged.

It started practically immediately after I got engaged.  She lives about 3 hours south of me, and I have only seen her in person once in the last 5 years.  We were fairly close via facebook, mainly because she was a stay at home mom and I felt like she just needed someone to talk to a lot of the time.  I wouldn't call her one of my best friends though, in any way.  I felt bad because she must've considered me a much better friend than I'd considered her!  Anyway, every single time we would talk (starting right after my engagement all the way up to a couple months after that) she would say, "I hope you'll ask me to be in your wedding. I'll come up there and it'll be really fun! And if I can't be in the wedding, I hope we're still invited! You'll be invited to our wedding!"  It became so hard to talk to her, because I knew she'd bring it up!  LONG before I'd even thought about who I would ask to be in my wedding.  I wanted to let her down easy, because I HATE hurting people's feelings.  It started with, "Well, I haven't really thought about it yet" to "I do have two sisters, so I was thinking of just asking them" and eventually it became a lot more blunt - "We're mostly paying for the wedding ourselves, so we've had to trim our guest list down to mostly family." Aaaaaand then she stopped talking to me. We'll chat occasionally now, but not nearly as often as we used to. It sucks, but it's a weight off my shoulders, to be honest!

lavaskin

My fiance's close girl friend was legitimately upset and hurt that she was not going to be a brides maid of mine. Her husband called my fiance and said "She is starting to worry that she isn't in Rachel's bridal party" so my fiance responds with, well she isn't. My fiance thought I should call her and talk to her and tell her she isn't in it which I didn't think was necessary since you should call to ASK people to be IN your bridal party not to tell them they aren't. She then texted him a few weeks later and said "is there something you need to tell me?" She is 35 years old and shouldn't be dramatic about it. My fiance has been really good friends with her and her husband for the past 6-7 years so apparently she thought she was going to be in my bridal party. Her and I are friendly but not BFF. She tried to tell my fiance that when her and her husband got married 15 years ago she had a close girl friend of his on her side and he had a close guy friend of hers on his side. Well, they're only children and my fiance is not. So I already have his sister on my side and I'm not adding random friends of his that just assumed they were going to be in it and start all of this drama. I would never ask him to put a random guy friend of mine on his side.

peacefrogggie

CommitmentCat, thank you for this discussion thread. I am in a similar situation. I have a friend that I've known for approximately 3-4 years, but she is much closer to me than I am to her. As soon as I got engaged she started asking if she was going to be in the wedding, and hasn't stopped. She brings it up every time we are together.

I do not want her in the wedding party, but initially thought about asking her to do a reading or something else during the wedding. However, at this point, I'm so annoyed that I am not sure I want her there let alone participate in the wedding.

I have met with and asked my bridesmaids and MOH, which are very close friends of mine and my SIL. However, I've been very cautious about talking about the wedding or having anything about the wedding posted on Facebook because I'm afraid of hurting her feelings. I just want to get it out there that she isn't in the wedding so I can move forward and hopefully stop feeling awkward about it.

The question I am wrestling with is how to tell her. Again, I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I didn't start this whole thing!

CommitmentCat

@peacefrogggie it absolutely sucks. No way around it. I am still hoping it will just go away, purely because I am so afraid of hurting her feelings. The more I think about it the more I realise that I don't think my friend is intentionally trying to be annoying or pressure me or stress me out. I think she is just truly so excited and just wants to be a part of our special day. Some of us just know that it's not appropriate to ask, others don't.

I felt exactly the same way you did when my situation started, I was seeing red! I also am trying to avoid all wedding talk around her, which is difficult because she keeps bringing it up. I think when we both get the courage to tell our friends we should post back here to share the results of the conversation.

peacefrogggie

Thanks @CommitmentCat. I appreciate the feedback. I agree. I think my friend is very excited about the wedding also, but she is really making things awkward. I am hoping to meet up with her soon so I can discuss things with her. I have a lot of other stress right now, and this would be one less thing. I'll post and let you know how it goes.

kerbohl

It's wrong for them to badger, but people's best bet in this type of situation might be to just tell them - like ripping off a band-aid.  Leaving them in limbo might be hurting their feelings worse than telling them.  As long as you do it diplomatically, obviously, such as thinking about what you are going to say before you let them know.  It does really suck that they have put all you brides in this situation.  Like, really, really suck.  I don't understand people's rationale when weddings are involved. 

I'm glad I wasn't in this situation, though.  I just have my sister and two of my friends, and no one else asked or acted like they were left out. 

peacefrogggie

CommitmentCat I am very happy to report that things went very well. I brought the topic up during a casual conversation with my friend this weekend. I was very nice about it, but surprised when she said that I must have misunderstood her. She said she didn't mean she wanted to be in the wedding. She said she just wanted to help out in some way. However, it is hard to misunderstand when someone says, "I'm going to be one of your bridesmaids, right?" lol Oh well, at least it's out there and we can move on. And I don't think any feelings were hurt. I hope things go as well for you!

CommitmentCat

@peacefrogggie well done! That's awesome. I commend your insane bravery! It's probably just a face-save on her part. My friend has yet to bring it up again, I've only seen her twice since she's been in the country though because I've been so crazy with work. I am seeing her all day next Saturday so I'll see how that goes.

thefuturemrssisk

The same thing happened to me!

alisonoo

Give us an update @CommitmentCat, I'm curious about how this will shake out.

aspoonfulofsugar

About a month before I got engaged (obviously I didn't know it was going to happen), my cousin tried to make me swear that I was going to make her my MOH.  I wouldn't and now it's going to be a bit uncomfortable in a few months when I ask my bridal party and I don't ask her to be my MOH (she'll tell her mom, her mom will complain to my mom and my mom will bite her tongue saying anything to me).