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Need Help- Special needs (guest)

AndrealsuarezAndrealsuarez member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
I need some advise
We are only inviting our 20 neices & nephews to our wedding because our family as a whole has A LOT of kids 45 total, but one of the children is autistic and I am extreamly nervous about having them come for a number of reasons. PLEASE DO NOT POST HATEFUL things I am not in any way bashing autistic children I just have some general concerens. We are getting married in a friend of the families back yard....and they have a beautiful inground pool. We are going to be having the ceremony part around the pool. I am very worried because this child LOVES to swim with no clothes on and is very hard to control, so I am worried that he will be out there while we are saying our vows. My other concerns are that he does not like loud music and has this way of putting hands on all of the food especially cupcakes which is what I am having. The mom often gets mad because she gets tired of chasing the child...what do I do. Its so rude to say "hey can you please not bring this child, I do not think this event is ok for him" .......HELP what do I do??
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Re: Need Help- Special needs (guest)

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    midgetthemightymidgetthemighty
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    Inform the parents of the items in the environment that you think will pose some issues and let them handle it. Saying parents makes me think of this question though - is the father around? If so, does he handle these situations better than the mother?

    Please, for the sake of your family do not do anything remotely like telling/asking her not to bring him. She's an adult and should be able to make the decision on whether or not to bring him given the information available.
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    strlzfan11strlzfan11 member
    First Anniversary First Comment Combo Breaker
    Is this child one of your neices & nephews? 

    If not, don't invite invite him and list only his parents on the invitation.  If they RSVP with him, you call and say that the invitation was for mom & dad only.

    If he is, then I think you need to invite him and trust that his parents will know what is/isn't a socially appropriate situation for him to be in.
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    Meegles4Meegles4 member
    Combo Breaker First Comment First Anniversary
    Yes, that's rude. The parents can decide whether their child can 'handle" your wedding.

    The parents should be able to care for and control the child, so he wouldn't suddenly jump in the pool or plunge his hands into your cupcake. If the parents truly feel it's an uncontrollable situation, perhaps they'd choose to leave him at home, but that's their choice.
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    LeiselEBLeiselEB member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    edited March 2012
    He will not jump into the pool during your ceremony. His parents will be watching him, and in the chance he does "escape" from them, I am sure that another guest will grab him so that a kid isn't swimming unsupervised. 

    How loud is your music that you're afraid it will scare him? I think that's an issue on your end, not this kid. 

    Are the cupcakes displayed somewhere that he'd easily have access to? I'd be worried about ANY child getting into the cupcakes, not just one with autism. Keep them in an area that kids don't have easy access to. I wouldn't like having food sitting out during an outdoor wedding, anyway. Bring them out when they're to be served.

    If he's included in the "circle" of family that you're inviting, I think he should be invited. His parents can make the decision to bring him or not. 
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    AndrealsuarezAndrealsuarez member
    First Comment
    edited March 2012
    This is a nephew in the FI's side......the parents are not together, so if the mom decides not to bring him he can stay with the father. The mom however is also in the wedding party so I am not sure who she would have watch the child while we are busy with things. I would never ask my other guests to watch him, like I said VERY hard to control and strong for an 11yr old.

    Its not that they wouldnt watch him (other family members) it that they just cant he is just so hard to handle they are just nervous and afraid especially the older aunts and uncles. I really dont blame them I am younger and I couldnt even do it.

    As far as the music being to loud, its not that we are blasting music, but he has issues with noise that is a bit louder then the normal speaking voice.

    For the cupcakes- the other kids are older so I am not worried about them touching them. I am not leaving food out but at some point the food does have to come out to feed people.
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    midgetthemightymidgetthemighty
    Combo Breaker First Comment

    Given the circumstances, I'm sure that his mother will either ask someone to watch him during the ceremony or leave him with his father. You need to let go of that decision because it's not yours to make. It's hers and I'm sure that whatever decision she makes will not intefere with your wedding.


    Just try and breathe. :)

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    StarquegStarqueg
    First Comment
    Let the parents know in advance that it's a poolside wedding and there will be music.  Some children with autism are really sensitive to noise, so too loud to him could be normal party volume to us.  If you were planning to put a plate of cupcakes on each table, maybe you could have one on a plate already for him, and any other kids who don't understand that they don't need to touch every cupcake before picking one.  This is a regular occurance in the pre-k classroom. 

    Honestly, I'd be more concerned with making sure there are enough bathrooms and places to park cars if you're having that many people at your friend's house.
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    Johan&KimmieJohan&Kimmie
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-help-special-needs-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec901dff-7228-4c73-9fa8-b20d24fdb4f8Post:9bb9ffd0-bb77-4588-84e9-1e028bfd0e4a">Re: Need Help- Special needs (guest)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Inform the parents of the items in the environment that you think will pose some issues and let them handle it. 
    Posted by midgetthemighty[/QUOTE]

    <div>I like this idea.  Although, if the mother is a bm, I'm guessing she already knows about the location and cupcakes.  Just make sure she is aware of the pool in particular.  I'm sure she knows what her child can and cannot handle.  </div>
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    HockeyFan4HockeyFan4 member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    my niece has a sensory disorder...and loud music (and other loud sounds) can really bother her.  I just made sure her table wasn't right next to the DJ.  She had a blast...danced the whole time...and I couldn't imagine getting married without her there.

    Let the parents know there will be a pool there....don't tell them you are afraid their child will put his hands in the cupcakes.  They will decide if the pool is too much of an issue.
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    Matty143Matty143
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    Ditto Midge, both posts. :)
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    travistanyatravistanya member
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    I am inviting a man with Down Syndrome and another individual with various developmental disabilities to my wedding because I care about them and want them to be there. I am going to entrust their parents with their care and trust that they will watch over them whether that makes them angry or not. However, if it really bothers her, she could always get a sitter. Just my opinion.
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    StephBeanWed61502StephBeanWed61502 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    I'm agreeing with Midge - make mom aware of the things in the environment that are known triggers for him, without saying (or implying) that her kid isn't welcome.
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    mbrischouxmbrischoux member
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    My 27 year old brother has severe autism, and his condition was such for many years that I didn't even think he'd be at my wedding.  I looked at my parents' album and prepared myself to not have the family photos in mine that everyone else gets to have.  However, I respected his autism and understood that.

    Thankfully, he was able to be there for my July 2011, thanks in great part to his incredible service friend, a man who has been working with him and taking him out in the community for several years.  My brother was able to enjoy the day with us and his service person and his wife became instant members of our extended family, as well as my husband's.  In fact, he got the biggest raves of the wedding (after my husband and I of course)!

    If the mother would like to and it is possible, invite someone like this to your wedding to keep the child busy and in control.  Not a babysitter, but an experienced person when it comes to disabilities.  This will give you peace of mind and allow his mother to enjoy the day, too.  From experience, the mom probably needs and definitely deserves to enjoy herself, as an autistic child entering puberty is difficult.  She knows her child best, and she will be able to make the best decision for her child and herself.
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