I need to vent (long and detailed!)

irisheyezfsu · September 2010

So.... last night my mom and I had a big phone convo about wedding details. Getting everything in order for the tasting at our venue, which was fine I got all that nailed down in about 24 hours between the families.

Then she starts on about the rehersal dinner, first saying that they feel bad my FILs are paying for the reception food (biggest part of the budget) and the rehersal. But really it was all because she had a major attitude about our rehersal dinner possibly being at the restuarant Mason and Jardin which is down the street from our church. It is slightly outdated but my mom thinks it looks terrible and will let anyone know who will give a second to listen. The place has good food and I told her what is the big deal it is one dinner, I don't care were we eat. She feels because my FI and his family wants the rehersal there that they are totally disregarding her feelings.

She was completely trying to guilt trip me and make me feel bad which I was like I am going to feel bad if you are upset through the whole rehersal dinner. Which she said "oh no she wouldn't show that then". I just told her that since it wasn't reserved yet that she should just suggest other places she likes then in an email since my FILs live in another city. That pacified her enough.

Then........ (yes I know crazy long this was like a two hour convo)

She started on how she doesn't get why my FMIL wants to spend money on a planner and how she doesn't feel there will be enough money for essential items (such as cake etc) but other than what my parents have committed to contributing to they don't know where extra money is coming from. I told my mom a planner will help keep all parties organized and on top of stuff plus will make it look nice, that my FMIL wasn't the only one who wanted it I do too since I live out of state now. They will help organize the vendors on the day which is what I am most concerned about. I don't want my family or myself doing that. But get this, she doesn't want me to tell my FMIL that we haven't planned who is paying for these other items for the wedding because she doesn't want them to offer to pay for it (again pride) yet my parents don't feel they have the reasources too. So that means it is left up to me, which I recently graduated college though self suffiant have to pay my own loans back and other personal aspects of the wedding like honeymoon. Also, get this, she made up a spread sheet with all the items and vendors for the wedding and colums with my name, FIs name, FIs family and my family and Xs under who pays for what. Great idea to keep organized but she doesn't want me to show my FMIL unless I tell my mom first that I am going to show it.

Ugh so much and it just makes me frustrated! It isn't like this is a huge affair it is a budget wedding. Makes me just want to go get my marriage liscenes tomorrow and just elope.

Britt1406 · September 2010

Sorry, I can't think of any advice to give, but I just wanted to say good luck! Just take many deep breaths and have a drink or two! Don't get stressed out over things.

Theresa626 · September 2010

awww. About the Maison and Jardin, that is a very good restaurant and it gets good reviews. I think your mom will just have to deal. SHe'll get over it. About who's paying for what, it's not awful that your mom is concerned with this. She doesn't want to be stuck paying for something she doesn't think is necessary and can't afford. On the planner, I think you should offer to pay for it unless someone else specifically says "Oh, I'll pay for that". I can understand how your mom doesn't want to constantly ask your fiance's parents to pay for everything. She probably just feels guilty. I would too if I were her. She probably doesn't want them to see the spreadsheet because then she'll feel like they think she is trying to get them to pay for more and she is being pushy with them. I would feel uncomfortable discussing these money matters with another family I barely knew too. So, I know it's frustrating for you and difficult but try to see where your mom is coming from too regarding who is paying for what.

x3Harmony534 · September 2010

That stinks, I'm sorry. There's a possibility it may be less of a pride issue, and more of an embarrassment issue if she can't afford to pay for things. That being said if you or FI feels comfortable talking with his family & things you may need help with for the wedding... it's really not her place to tell you no. It just ALL depends on the family. My family I could ask or talk to about ANYTHING. FI can't ask for a penny out of his family without someone getting offended. You know your families better than anyone else, you just have to do what works best for you guys. Good luck!

lauralulu777 · September 2010

Ugh. I feel your pain...I've had many girlfriends who were slaves to the whims and craziness of their mothers and FMILs, and it ALWAYS had to do with money. When my fiance and I got engaged last year, I literally BEGGED him to do a destination wedding in the caribbean or something. I just didn't want to deal with all the crap. I just wanted to get married.

When he insisted that we should have a wedding, I told him that the only way this was going to happen was if WE paid for it and got to have complete control of everything...and that if at any point in time it started to get out of control, or people started getting nutty, I wouldn't hesitate one bit to call the whole damn thing off.

Best decision I ever made.

If your FMIL has the resources to pay for all this stuff, and they are doing it because they want to, I think your mom needs to just say "Thank You" and get over it. This is not about her. It's about you, and at some point you may need to remind her of that. If these extra things are things that will make your day better, easier to manage and less stressful, and your FMIL is happy to foot the bill, your mom should be grateful that YOUR and YOUR FI's day will be better for it.

Dwelling on how we wish things could be instead of how they really are is a huge waste of time and energy...and that's exactly what your mom is doing. Don't pick a fight with her, though. Just let it go and see if it passes. If she keeps dropping comments and making remarks that leave you feeling guilty or embarrassed, you should say something then.

Good luck. It will all work out in the end.

irisheyezfsu · September 2010

Thanks for all the words of advice and support. Originally FI and I were going to pay for everything because my parents weren't going to pay a dime and I wasn't going to ask FIs parents to pick it up then. I don't care who pays for what I would pay for it but then FIs parents volunteered and then my parents volunteered.

My FI has already offered numerous times to pay for the planner but my mom has been so against paying for it because she thinks the money should go to other things.

I never try to fight with anyone, I don't deal with conflict well when family is involved I am the more avoidance kind. Plus my mom's own siblings call her controling and pushy. It is not nice and sad but it is true. My FI is always telling me to stand up to her on things because most of the time I have just given in to avoid issues.

Have a cookie

Theresa626 · September 2010

Ugh, you're adults. if you wish to pay for anything at all yourselves then your mom just needs to shut up and deal with it. Maybe you could remind her that you don't tell her how to spend her own money. Or maybe just quickly get off the phone when she tells you how you or your fiance's parents should spend their money.

lauralulu777 · September 2010

Agree 100%.

sarah42nd · September 2010

Next time it happens just say thanks for the input but I/We have made our decision and its not up for discussion . lol it might help. I hope everything gets better.

I need to vent (long and detailed!)

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