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am i wrong?

theo&gretchentheo&gretchen member
First Comment
in Second Weddings
First off I want to say sorry about the bad grammar and bad spelling.

My mom and I have always had a close relationship up until 3 years ago. My brother on my fathers side past away at a young age. less than a year later i was divorced. These events changed me. I stopped going out of my way to please others mother included. I found that life was too short to, and i have my own problems. My mom thinks that my FI controls me and that is way i have changed. I share a child with my ex. Christmas weekend i had to work. My daughter was with my ex. my mother and her husband decided to invite my ex to Christmas and spent two nights at their house. i told my mom and her husband how this made me feel. they did not care, they told me that i was being selfish and that she can be friends with my ex if she wants. (i'm close with her ex husband who raised me from birth until i was 15.) she compared this with what she was doing. I"m not sure if i want to fix this relationship. Not sure if i want them at my wedding. Not sure what to do. We (my self and FI) feels as if he is not accepted into my moms life why should i accept her into my life. Take me, FI and child, or none of us. All or nothing. 

*I guess I need to add a few things
*MY brother is a half brother. Not my mother child.
*Nobody controls me that's why I got out of my first marriage among other major reason.
* I care that he was there because that is my family and my Ex left, y is he so welcome back after what he did to me.
* Growing up in a divorced home I had to spend  holidays with grandparent not on the holidays but days weeks or even months later. because that is what my parents wanted
* My mother is mad at me for not doing what she wants, not going to her every beckoned call.
* I'm grateful to have FI so wonderful in my life that is willing to stick up for me  and my child, and to have our backs when we need it. Someone to love her as much as I do. To treat her as if she were her own.
* What your missing is that my real father and my stepfather (mothers ex husband) the one who raised me. now see that i'm my self again. I have a smile on my face and in cheery mod. that i'm much happier.Why can't my mother see this.
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Re: am i wrong?

  • right1thistimeright1thistime member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I am concerned about your Fi turning you away from your family.  I may be misreading what you wrote, but it appears that your family is not accepting of your FI?

    Your mother can be friends with whomever she chooses, and that may be your ex husband.  If you weren't planning on being there, why should you care?  Isn't it a good thing for your child to spend time over the holidays with family?

    May I ask what a "brother on your father's side" is?  Is it perhaps a stepbrother?  ~Donna
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  • ichellemay1ichellemay1
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_am-wrong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:b111d766-7238-4b56-8aeb-519d8541f253Post:89323130-6909-48bb-bdc8-808971b919b5">am i wrong?</a>:
    [QUOTE]First off I want to say sorry about the bad grammar and bad spelling. My mom and I have always had a close relationship up until 3 years ago. My brother on my fathers side past away at a young age. less than a year later i was divorced. These events changed me. I stopped going out of my way to please others mother included. I found that life was too short to, and i have my own problems. My mom thinks that my FI controls me and that is way i have changed. I share a child with my ex. Christmas weekend i had to work. My daughter was with my ex. my mother and her husband decided to invite my ex to Christmas and spent two nights at their house. i told my mom and her husband how this made me feel. they did not care, they told me that i was being selfish and that she can be friends with my ex if she wants. (i'm close with her ex husband who raised me from birth until i was 15.) she compared this with what she was doing. I"m not sure if i want to fix this relationship. Not sure if i want them at my wedding. Not sure what to do. We (my self and FI) feels as if he is not accepted into my moms life why should i accept her into my life. Take me, FI and child, or none of us. All or nothing. 
    Posted by theo&gretchen[/QUOTE]
    Anniversary
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  • handfast4mehandfast4me member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm with Right1 on this--I am a bit concerned that they think that your FI is turning you away from your family.   I guess I'm also concerned about the timing of the events here.  Did you decide that pleasing others wasn't worth it before or after you met him?  We're not accusing you of anything--there are definitely some relationships that are toxic, and you're the only one who can decide if this one is toxic or not--but separating a woman from her family is a red flag for possible abuse. 
    image Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
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  • MikesAngieMikesAngie member
    Name Dropper 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I agree with Handfast and Right1 - if your FI is isolating you at all from your family it's not a good sign.  Control is a form of abuse so is isolation. 
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  • vb0000vb0000 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Not necessarily wrong, but be careful when thinking in black or white "all or nothing". First, if your mother thinks your FI is controlling you, then it's a good idea to take a good hard look at your relationship with him to see if there might be some truth to that at all. Since you're a mom too you probably know that mom's usually can see what's going on with their children before they do.
    Second, if you feel she is just being mean and manipulative don't stoop to her level and cut her off.  Inviting her to your wedding will show that you and your FI are taking the "high road" in this whole thing by being friendly.  Be the "bigger" person in this.

    Most of all don't let anyone control how you think about another person, make your own opinions and if you need help figuring things out then reach out to a friend, priest, or even a counselor is good for those times when we need to figure out weird relationship stuff.
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  • theo&gretchentheo&gretchen member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_am-wrong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:b111d766-7238-4b56-8aeb-519d8541f253Post:df4a2eab-81eb-4274-95a8-ce944c559477">Re: am i wrong?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am concerned about your Fi turning you away from your family.  I may be misreading what you wrote, but it appears that your family is not accepting of your FI? Your mother can be friends with whomever she chooses, and that may be your ex husband.  If you weren't planning on being there, why should you care?  Isn't it a good thing for your child to spend time over the holidays with family? May I ask what a "brother on your father's side" is?  Is it perhaps a stepbrother?  ~Donna
    Posted by right1thistime[/QUOTE]

    My half brother not my mothers child. my fathers child. same dad just different moms. next he has not turned my against ne one. I turned away when my brother died and then my divorce. so it took about 1 and half years time. But now that i have someone else in the picture my mother has someone else to blame. other than herself.the reason i care so much is because what my ex did to me and my daughter the many ways that he hurt us.
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  • BCrosbyBCrosby member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Families will be concerned.  You moms feelings are probably hurt because you have distant yourself from her and she probably does not understand why.  Even if it was your choice she will think it was because of him. Make sure your clear with her of why you became distant.  COMMUNICATION...

    As far as your ex, although he has hurt you, you will need to come to a point of forgiving him.   That will take some time.  Be happy that your family can be civil with your ex.  Its hard to do and I know it hurts.  For example, My uncle got divorced and remmarried.  To this day, I still consider his ex as my aunt and am close to her.  and so is the rest of the family.  It was tough accepting his new wife but now I am close to her as well....
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  • used2bangelused2bangel member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    See, I'm seeing it so totally different (maybe because I saw your clarifications).  I've seen these mothers before...  I'm seeing a controlling, manipulative mother who's just p*ssed off because she's not calling the shots.  I don't see you as wrong.  Toxic is toxic, and if it's your mother who's the toxic one, then you put her in your life "if" you want and on your terms.  And quite honestly (JMHO) only if she can behave.
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  • BCrosbyBCrosby member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    And that is very possible that the mother is just a controlling person.  I wouldnt know because I'm not there to see what your dealing with.  You know what is best for you and your family....
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