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awkward bridal shower moment & TY letters

susanbrooke017susanbrooke017 member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
My little sister is my MOH and threw me an amazing shower this past weekend.  My FMIL drove in from OOT and gave me an entire setting of dishes that I registered from W-S and lingerie.  The dishes was incredibly sweet & thoughtful.  The lingerie, incredibly awkward and embarassing.  Shower attendees included my grandmothers, my rather conservative family, my bridesmaids, some of my mom's friends, and some of my friends.  I turned bright red and didn't know what to do when I opened it.  Everyone else gave me normal kitchen/housey stuff.  I guess my FMIL has been to different types of bridal showers than the one's I've been to.  Every bridal shower I've attended, the bride received spice racks and cutting boards...I thought lingerie was for bachelorette parties.

I was initally really upset that she gave me that--in my mind the only motivation was malicious-- to embarass me, but i'm sure that's not the case.   FMIL and I have always had a great relationship.  Anyways, what's done is done, and she gave me the gift receipt, which was considerate.  The lingerie isn't something I would ever pick out and isn't my size either, so I will be returning it.

  However, here is my question: what in the world do I write in the thank you note?  "Thank you for the scandilous undergarments..I'm sure your son will love them" or "Thank you for the undies, they will be helpful in getting you grandkids." No seriously though, I know I should address it in my TY letter, but I'm not sure how.  Would love some suggestions :)
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Re: awkward bridal shower moment & TY letters

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    Brie2010Brie2010 member
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    I doubt it was malicious.  In a lot of circles, lingerie is a common bridal shower gift.

    I agree it's weird, though.  I would just say, "Thank you for your gifts!  The dishes will look great in our kitchen and we can't wait to use them" and ignore the lingere altogether other than in the collective "gifts" sense.
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    ohwhynotohwhynot member
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    I'm glad that you got over your initial reaction.  I'd simply say something like "Thank you for the dishes and for the lovely teddy [or nightgown or whatever it was]."  Be grown up and matter of fact about it. 
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    SheDiva4SheDiva4
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    Yeah in this instance you probably should not indicate how you would use the gift...

    I would send a general thank you for her thoughtfulness and how much you appreciate it.

    No need to further the awkward situation. You can go into more detail about the dishes.


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    NuggetBrainNuggetBrain member
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    I'm curious why you're original impression was that she was trying to upset you, given that you two have a good relationship and she's not on the crazysauce.  Just send a thank you for the lovely dishes and "insert lingerie piece here".  Unless it was something like a crotchless thong or a leather bondage set or something.  Then maybe use more generalized terms, like "lingerie".
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    Stackeye210Stackeye210 member
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    I thought I had gotten away with no lingerie at my wedding shower, but low and behold there was a late arrival guest and that was the very last thing I opened.  It was very embarrassing, but not necessarily out of the ordinary.  My SIL had a lingerie themed wedding shower (no joke) - but I couldn't get over the thought of picking out nighties for my future sister so I just got a gift card. 

    ANYHOW.  To your question.  Just thank her for the dishes and nighty and then talk about how the dishes will be put to great use.  ;)
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    goheels05goheels05
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_awkward-bridal-shower-moment-ty-letters?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cb41c95a-05ce-426f-b9eb-f5e7cdeb84f4Post:811927d1-3beb-4892-9b4e-3cbe7ad6e57f">awkward bridal shower moment & TY letters</a>:
    [QUOTE]"Thank you for the scandilous undergarments..I'm sure your son will love them" or "Thank you for the undies, they will be helpful in getting you grandkids." No seriously though, I know I should address it in my TY letter, but I'm not sure how.  Would love some suggestions :)
    Posted by susanbrooke017[/QUOTE]

    That made me giggle. 

    I don't know what to tell you.  I've seen a few brides on here say that it's old school tradition for the groom's mother to pick out the wedding night lingerie, but I've never heard of that actually happening IRL. 

    Not quite the same thing, but at my bachelorette party, everyone got me sexy/classy gifts, except my SIL, who gave me some sex dice and a positions book.  I was cracking up trying to write the thank you card.  "Dear FSIL, thank you for the dice and positions book.  I've been having sex with your brother for over a year now, and things were starting to get stale.  This will definitely liven things up in the bedroom!"  I don't remember what I actually ended up writing.  Probably something like, "Thank you for the spice rack at the shower, and thanks also also for my racier gifts at the bachelorette!"
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    Aedes*Aedes*
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    I have been to several showers where the bride recieved both lingerie and house hold gifts. I doesn't sound malicious at all to me. I would just following what OhWhyNot wrote.
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    Brie2010Brie2010 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_awkward-bridal-shower-moment-ty-letters?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cb41c95a-05ce-426f-b9eb-f5e7cdeb84f4Post:294c9cd6-03b2-461c-a455-d117a8f90a7a">Re: awkward bridal shower moment & TY letters</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to awkward bridal shower moment & TY letters : That made me giggle.  I don't know what to tell you.  I've seen a few brides on here say that it's old school tradition for the groom's mother to pick out the wedding night lingerie, but I've never heard of that actually happening IRL.  Not quite the same thing, but at my bachelorette party, everyone got me sexy/classy gifts, except my SIL, who gave me some sex dice and a positions book.  I was cracking up trying to write the thank you card.  "Dear FSIL, thank you for the dice and positions book.  I've been having sex with your brother for over a year now, and things were starting to get stale.  This will definitely liven things up in the bedroom!"  I don't remember what I actually ended up writing.  Probably something like, "Thank you for the spice rack at the shower, and thanks also also for my racier gifts at the bachelorette!"
    Posted by goheels05[/QUOTE]

    Bahahaha!

    BIL got all concerned when I gave him a gift to give to DH on the morning of the wedding at the RD.  He was like, "Is it...(whisper) BOUDOIR PHOTOS?"  Poor guy thought he was going to be toting around sexy pictures of his FSIL all night.  (It was a gift card.)
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    cschuma2cschuma2 member
    First Anniversary First Comment

    Obviously your FMIL wasn't uncomfortable to give the gift.  She likely won't be uncomfortable to read the name of the gift.  Don't tip toe around the subject and use the general term "gifts".

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    tenofcups4metenofcups4me member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    I can't imagine why you'd think it's malicious when you say you have a nice relationship with her. In my crowd, shower gifts are almost always from the reigstry -- but I'd say 90% of the time either the MOB or the  MOG also buys some "wedding-y" type lingerie. I would guess that's what your FMIL has also seen.

    Thank her for the dishes and then add a line about the lingerie. Depending on your relationship, it can something like "Thanks, too, for the [whatever] -- it's beautiful!" or on a lighter note "Thanks, too, for the beautiful [whatever] -- I've already put it into my suitcase for our honeymoon!"
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    janedoe1113ajanedoe1113a member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    My MIL gave me lingerie at my bridal shower.  Yes, it was awkward, but I wrote about it in the thank you card.  I think I called it night wear or something like that.
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    momofaydenmomofayden member
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    You should cut your MIl a break.  Yes people give lingerie as bridal shower gifts so it wasn't to specifically embarass you.  Say thank you for the lingerie and leave it at that.
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    Pink7781Pink7781 member
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    At my shower, my BMs, mom and FMIL put together this massive tower of lingerie that were all wrapped an tied together so I kept pulling on this endless string of bras, panties, etc. Was it slightly embarassing, yes, do I think my friends and family did it maliciously, absolutely not. It was actually pretty funny and everyone there got some giggles out of it.

    Just thank her for the plates and the nighty if you're comfortable. If you're not, just omit the TY for the nighty in your card.
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    psichickpsichick
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    that's pretty common actually. she wasn't trying to embarrass you or anything, just say thanks and move on. 

    i honestly can't believe how bitter you sound about it too.
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    swim1011swim1011
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    My mom gave me some lingerie, and both of my friends got some form of lingerie from their SIL or fMIL at their showers.  It was funny, but not meant to be malicious at all.  Just thank her for her gifts and move on.. I don't think I even mentioned them in my ty note.
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    dianna_f84dianna_f84 member
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    My best friend threw a "personal" shower for me a couple of weeks ago.  There were 25 guests - including my mom, both grandmothers, future sister in law, future mother in law, and even my friend's 80 year old nonna.  Each woman at the party gave me either bras, thongs, or teddies.  One of my more outgoing girl friends even gave chocolate body paint and a feather tickler.  I didn't find it uncomfortable at all.  What's the big deal - girls only showers are supposed to be for laughs and joking around!
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    wendywebsterwendywebster
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    LIngerie is an extremely common gift.  Sometimes they get you something to be funny but often they actually try to go with your taste.  I wanted my friends to be comfortable getting me anything they wanted so I had a separate shower for them.  It was great fun and I got lots of undies I would not have normally bought myself.  Some are really cute!  Lingerie is supposed to be fun!!

    My regular shower had some robes and KY and such.  There was kitchen stuff too, which I actually wasn't all that into.  If you are really on good terms (close) with this person you should be able to say thank you as descriptively or non-descriptively as you want. 
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    JennaV26JennaV26
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    Just write something like "Thank you for the spice rack and for the lovely nightie!" and then drop it. There's no way you can write the typical "We'll think of you every time we use it," line. Awkward.

    And just for the record... I could never wear lingerie my FMIL game me. What a buzz kill!
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    cedrouincedrouin member
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    I wouldn't sweat it.  I know that some people are getting my lingerie for my shower that is coming up next weekend.  It's just what some people do.  IF your relationship with her is a good one, then I wouldn't be embarrassed or hurt by it.  I'm not sure how I would address an "thank you" to my FMIL... I think I would do as others have said and just ignore it.  It is a little awkward to refer to such things with a parental figure IMO. 
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    JLafont5JLafont5 member
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    To write a snarky comment in ur thank you note to her would be rude , immature and inappropriate. Its understandable u were embarrassed and it made u upset but u shouldn't lash out at her. Yes it was an inappropriate gift and an inappropriate setting. To play devils advocate for a moment, it is possible she was trying to be cool and hip and didn't mean to offend u. It doesn't sound like this was done with malice. And judging by ur reaction at the shower she is probably aware now this bothered u. In ur thank note take the high road, u shouldn't mention the lingerie at all. Try making a general thank u to her for making the trip out for the shower and for thinking of u.
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    iadarolawedding2010iadarolawedding2010 member
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    My at best friends wedding shower (my first wedding shower) she received wedding lingerie for her wedding night which I was informed at the time was completely normal to receive at the shower.  She was very grateful and loved the nighty.  It was silky white, long and had some lace.  It was classy like a queen would wear it and was absolutely GORGEOUS.  

    Since then ...

    I've been to TONS of bridal showers and most of them have had lingerie gifts.  Some haven't but I think it was just one that didn't.  I think.  Maybe that one did?  

    We even had one bridal shower that was lingerie themed.  It was a riot ... and the MOB was even invited.  

    My wedding is this October and Im truly hoping I get some lingerie ... but I'm thinking that with MY FI's side of the family (whose throwing the shower) that I won't get a single garment.  :(  

    I guess I'll find out in three weeks at the bridal shower.  Wish me luck. 

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    JLafont5JLafont5 member
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    To write a snarky comment in ur thank you note to her would be rude , immature and inappropriate. Its understandable u were embarrassed and it made u upset but u shouldn't lash out at her. Yes it was an inappropriate gift and an inappropriate setting. To play devils advocate for a moment, it is possible she was trying to be cool and hip and didn't mean to offend u. It doesn't sound like this was done with malice. And judging by ur reaction at the shower she is probably aware now this bothered u. In ur thank note take the high road, u shouldn't mention the lingerie at all. Try making a general thank u to her for making the trip out for the shower and for thinking of u.
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    JLafont5JLafont5 member
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    To write a snarky comment in ur thank you note to her would be rude , immature and inappropriate. Its understandable u were embarrassed and it made u upset but u shouldn't lash out at her. Yes it was an inappropriate gift and an inappropriate setting. To play devils advocate for a moment, it is possible she was trying to be cool and hip and didn't mean to offend u. It doesn't sound like this was done with malice. And judging by ur reaction at the shower she is probably aware now this bothered u. In ur thank note take the high road, u shouldn't mention the lingerie at all. Try making a general thank u to her for making the trip out for the shower and for thinking of u.
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    MarilinaMarilina
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    Its kind of weird coming from your FMIL... i understand.
    I think lingerie is totally OK, but coming from her was not the best choice. 
    Just don't get into too much thought about it and change it for something you like, as you said.
    And about the thank you note, do like other girls say here, don't give details, just "thank you so much for your gifts" and that's it...



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    franzezfranzez
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    Wow I did't realize how uptight people are, I recieved lingerie at my bridal shower and we got a laugh about it and it was over.. every bridal shower I have ever been to the bride has gotten lingerie, just be thankful it wasnt something really naughty
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    gabytaborasosagabytaborasosa
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    jijiji, just imagining your initial reaction cracks me up.  I perceive your mother in law to be really cool enough to give you lingerie, so just relax & go with the flow, keep the thank you note general in case you still don't feel comfortable.
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    pineapple1012pineapple1012 member
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    I don't want to sound mean, but lighten up a little. . .granted it's a little odd coming from you FMIL, I guess, but every shower I've been at someone has gotten the bride lingerie. . .not to be, but i mean, it's not like everyone is expecting that you WON'T be schtupping your new husband at some point!  The fact that you exist indicates your "conservative family" understands what goes on after the wedding haha.  My mom's best friend got me a nighty, and it happened to be one of the last gifts i opened.  . . so my fiance was there. I covered his eyes and he goes "it's for me anyway!"  in front of my grandmother, my very very conservative mother, etc, and it got a laugh.

    I would say write a nice thank you about the dishes, and then add "and the pretty nighty! that was quite a surprise!" in case she noticed your reaction.

    Certainly exchange it if you don't like it or it doesn't suit you.  But don't let your FMIL know you were upset.  She was trying to be nice, and probably thought it was a fun little gift.
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    Livvy<3Livvy<3 member
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    I actually would rather have the Lingerie and even told my mom. We tend to mix Bachlorette and Bridal Showers into one party. Thats how my mom had hers and pretty much how they are planning mine

    I wouldn't be embarrassed though
      
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    JoannaT35JoannaT35
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    That happened to me with my aunt... exact same thing!  You just have to laugh.  I'm SURE she meant to be funny.  Tell her you thought it was funny and I'm sure she'll be relieved! 
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    chiwawachiwawa
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_awkward-bridal-shower-moment-ty-letters?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cb41c95a-05ce-426f-b9eb-f5e7cdeb84f4Post:1979e785-b23c-45b2-bfbd-b6093f731478">Re: awkward bridal shower moment & TY letters</a>:
    [QUOTE]Just write something like "Thank you for the spice rack and for the lovely nightie!" and then drop it. There's no way you can write the typical "We'll think of you every time we use it," line. Awkward. Posted by JennaV26[/QUOTE]

    Hahahaha!  I literally laughed out loud when I read that.

    I wouldn't worry too much about it.  Just thank her for her thoughtfulness and be glad she felt comfortable enough with you to get you something so personal.  I can understand a bit of embarrassment but I'd say your best bet is to exchange it and move on.
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