B&M Tuesday

DFWIndian · December 2010

Work might kill me today.. Plus I think I'm getting sick!

What's on your mind?

raangoli · December 2010

I am at work today. I'd rather be at home. My husband has been off since Friday. I am jealous. At least he is a sweetheart and comes to the gym with me in the morning.

HisBelovedOne · December 2010

Um... it's been a downer of a couple weeks. We haven't started counseling yet because the counselor is on vacation and isn't available for R's individual session until Jan 3. R isn't helping at all with the making me think he wants our relationship to work out. He SAYS he wants to fix it, tears and all. And then his actions basically belie every "I want to fix it."

He truly does not understand how his behavior looks bad. Here's what's been happening, in a nutshell. I'm not living there anymore. He's spending almost no time with mutual friends of ours - he's only talked to one (aside from J, who lives there) exactly once in the last two weeks. He's drinking every other night, where he used to finish maybe one or two drinks a week. He's spending a LOT of time with T - a female friend from work who isn't me, but by his own admission reminds him a lot of me. She's spent two nights at his house, once with others and once alone (on the couch, and J verified that), and he's been at her house till really late at least once and has spent one night at her house (no one to verify whether he was on the couch). He tells J that he doesn't like to invite her to go out with them because she "just reports to Sarah all the time anyway," which tells me that he KNOWS he's doing things he shouldn't.

His "defense" is that he doesn't spend time at home or with mutual friends because he doesn't like to be reminded that I'm gone. I don't like to be reminded either, but I've made efforts to fix our current situation. I've called counselors and found numbers for him to call (which he's "forgotten about" for a week now). I'm not trying anymore. I've done all the work so far and it's up to him to follow up now. I told him that, and he said that he that it's hard to schedule things for his days off because everyone wants his time on his two days off. I told him that he has to decide who gets his off time - his new friends, or us. Looks to me like the new friends are winning.

Maybe he finds life easier without the responsibility of a fiance and kids. Who knows. All I know is that it doesn't seem to me like he wants to fix it as much as he says he does and it's getting increasingly harder for me to trust him.

DFWIndian · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_south-asian-weddings_bm-tuesday-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:430Discussion:86f484f9-cd48-4b27-9cbf-5f60811f5989Post:1e978e6a-3e00-4a61-a445-f93c9bc53231">Re: B&M Tuesday</a>:
[QUOTE]Um... it's been a downer of a couple weeks. We haven't started counseling yet because the counselor is on vacation and isn't available for R's individual session until Jan 3. R isn't helping at all with the making me think he wants our relationship to work out. He SAYS he wants to fix it, tears and all. And then his actions basically belie every "I want to fix it." He truly does not understand how his behavior looks bad. Here's what's been happening, in a nutshell. I'm not living there anymore. He's spending almost no time with mutual friends of ours - he's only talked to one (aside from J, who lives there) exactly once in the last two weeks. He's drinking every other night, where he used to finish maybe one or two drinks a week. He's spending a LOT of time with T - a female friend from work who isn't me, but by his own admission reminds him a lot of me. She's spent two nights at his house, once with others and once alone (on the couch, and J verified that), and he's been at her house till really late at least once and has spent one night at her house (no one to verify whether he was on the couch). He tells J that he doesn't like to invite her to go out with them because she "just reports to Sarah all the time anyway," which tells me that he KNOWS he's doing things he shouldn't. His "defense" is that he doesn't spend time at home or with mutual friends because he doesn't like to be reminded that I'm gone. I don't like to be reminded either, but I've made efforts to fix our current situation. I've called counselors and found numbers for him to call (which he's "forgotten about" for a week now). I'm not trying anymore. I've done all the work so far and it's up to him to follow up now. I told him that, and he said that he that it's hard to schedule things for his days off because everyone wants his time on his two days off. I told him that he has to decide who gets his off time - his new friends, or us. Looks to me like the new friends are winning. Maybe he finds life easier without the responsibility of a fiance and kids. Who knows. All I know is that it doesn't seem to me like he wants to fix it as much as he says he does and it's getting increasingly harder for me to trust him.
Posted by HisBelovedOne[/QUOTE]

Sorry to hear! Hopefully you can really get in with the counselor and work things out.

trueleo818 · December 2010

@Hisbeloved- I am so sorry to hear all this... Im seriously, at a loss for words...

*hugs*

SonaliPop · December 2010

I can see how you'd be extremely frustrated with him and worried about the state of your relationship. Maybe the counseling will help? When you go to couples counseling, often, you two get assignments. If he follows through with them and shows a commitment when it starts, maybe that'll change his behavior. You need to tell him that him spending all that time with this girl at her place and at his makes you uncomfortable - it's okay to say that. He seems to be a little lost...but only time will tell if he'll stay on the path he's going or get his head in the game. I think you've done all that you can. I'd ask him to meet up and explain how you feel. I'm not sure how to advise you other than to say I really hope he steps up to the plate and is the person you really need and deserve for him to be.

SonaliPop · December 2010

Nothing to complain about apart from severely missing my man and the super long distance is really a buzz kill on any happiness the holidays / my birthday bring. I wish he were here and that we knew when we'd see eachother again. But I can't complain too much, we've had a lot work out in our favor.

raangoli · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_south-asian-weddings_bm-tuesday-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:430Discussion:86f484f9-cd48-4b27-9cbf-5f60811f5989Post:392a544d-e413-44bd-b25a-0b038d61255c">Re: B&M Tuesday</a>:
[QUOTE]I can see how you'd be extremely frustrated with him and worried about the state of your relationship. Maybe the counseling will help? When you go to couples counseling, often, you two get assignments. If he follows through with them and shows a commitment when it starts, maybe that'll change his behavior. You need to tell him that him spending all that time with this girl at her place and at his makes you uncomfortable - it's okay to say that. He seems to be a little lost...but only time will tell if he'll stay on the path he's going or get his head in the game. I think you've done all that you can. I'd ask him to meet up and explain how you feel. I'm not sure how to advise you other than to say I really hope he steps up to the plate and is the person you really need and deserve for him to be.
Posted by SonaliPop[/QUOTE]

I agree with Sonali. It's been a few weeks and it seems like he is really floundering, trying to find his way. I think you have every right to ask about the amount of time he is spending with this other girl and to let him know that you are not comfortable with it.

January is just around the corner, so hopefully once the counselor is back, your FI can get one of the first appointments to meet with him/her.

In the meantime, try to enjoy the time you have with the family that is visiting you for the holidays, or as much as you can.

We're all here for you, feel free to come and vent it out whenever you need to! <3

SonaliPop · December 2010

Yep - we're always here for ya.

HisBelovedOne · December 2010

I've told him that his spending so much time, escially alone, with her makes me very uncomfortable. He says, "Well, I'm sorry you feel that way. I enjoy her company, and she's my friend. I have to be polite and nice with M, so you can deal with me hanging out with T."

The problem with this logic is that M is LONG over the crush he had on me years ago, and I have zero interest in M like that. I've known M since I was 9 years old, but we aren't very close. M is very happily engaged, doesn't spend nights at my house, and I don't even know where he lives these days. The last time I spoke to M was early November. By contrast, T reminds R of me, he says, and T has a crush on him and a boyfriend she doesn't like and is thinking about leaving.

I hate thinking that he might actually be cheating on me with this T girl, but I've been fed lines like the ones he's giving me before. He's saying, "But I'm not like the others; I'm not going to cheat on you." Every guy who ever told me that, acted much like he's acting now and turned out to be LYING to me. So it's making it really hard to trust him right now. We didn't break up - I just moved out, but he's acting like we split. He even told me the other day that he was thinking about asking me to stay at my mom's house a little while longer because the utility bills are lower with me and Kidlet not there (yeah, THAT's encouraging!).

Even if he isn't cheating now, it's only a matter of time before soemthing happens and then - knowing him as I do - he'll try to say, "But it just happened out of nowhere! I didn't see it coming!" Nevermind that I'm seeing it coming, and so haveJ, P and C (mutual friends). But heaven forbid he listen to US.

He did schedule his individual meeting with the counselor for the first available appointment on January 3, so with any luck we can get into counseling soon and get going on fixing this. But I need HIM to do some work toward fixing it because I did all the hard work for him. I found the numbers for him to call, I set up the first counseling appointent, and I've been the one keeping in touch with the mutual friends. I can't do it all anymore.

DFWIndian · December 2010

Hisbeloved -- That is harsh! You are kind of "stuck" with him either way for the next 18 years cause of the baby right? It would be great if you guys can find a way to make it work. Will keep you in prayers. Best of luck.

raangoli · December 2010

@Beloved - I am really sorry to hear about all of what's going on. Do you think maybe he is getting scared of this big life change? It's one thing to talk about it, but it's another thing when it's actually happening. Between that and whatever his mom might be filling his brain with, it might be too much for him to process/handle.

I agree with you that it's really up to him now to take the next steps in your relationship. Marriages take work from both sides and I think you guys are doing the right thing with seeking out the counseling to get things back on track.

I hope things start looking up for the both of you!

HisBelovedOne · December 2010

So far as I know, he hasn't even told his mom what's happening.

It occurred to me a few days after I moved out that he's doing to me exactly what his ex-fiance did to him. He was engaged at 17 and his parents shipped him off to Africa for getting engaged to a white girl. While he was gone, she started hanging out a lot with a guy who reminded her of him, and after a few months cheated on him with said guy. Our case is a little less extreme - I'm only a ten-minute drive away - but still. It has an AWFUL lot of similarities. When I told him this, he laughed it off and told me I had nothing to worry about. That was 8 days ago and it's only gotten worse since then. So I don't really know what to do here.

ETA: And I just now found out that he lied to me. Told me that P and C were supposed to come over tonight. P is in another town three hours away. And C had no idea what I was talking about when I spoke to her.

trueleo818 · December 2010

@Hisbeloved - Im so sorry you're going through all of this. I cant say that I've been in your shoes but I can tell you that I feel your pain. My ex FI cheated on me and it was the worse. He lied and was extremely shady.. Im sorry if im not much help. Just do what you feel is right even if it means that you'll have to put 110% into it. Do it for the baby and Kidlet

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