African American Weddings

The big "P" word

Now I ain't sayin he a gold digger...lolI was watching my Big Friggin Wedding last night where that retarted couple Danny and Tammie (the girl who thinks she is always is pregnant). He said he will not married her w/o a prenup. When FI and I first got engaged he mentioned getting one..and made jokes, etc. He's pretty much dropped the whole idea, but now im considering it. Basically, if we did get one it would say...the money in your 401k, IRAs, etc are yours and anything that is community property (house, cars, savings, etc) would be split down the middle. Not sure if we are going to do one, but its a thought. I don't think we will ever get divorced, but things change, people change, etc. and I want to be making smart decisions now in case these things ever do happen (which they won't :)).
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Re: The big "P" word

  • ellone400ellone400
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary
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    edited December 2011
    I dont think we will go that route whats his  is mine and whats mine  is his case closed.
  • edited December 2011
    I fought really hard agianst one and I was watching Suze Orman and she said something really smart. She said why not get the prenup and have things settled in a time when you are all in love and happy and willing to talk about these things because if you do get divorced by then its too late to logically take care of this business because during this time you are angry at one another and on purpose want to hurt each other.
     
    That really made a connection in my mind. We actually drew one up ourselves that we both enjoyed. We pretty much found the templete online. We then had seperate attached documents with our seperate property stated and listed including bank accounts and property we are set to inherate from our parents. Then we had it noterized. It was pretty simple and nothing crazy.

    Believe me I was 100% agianst a pre-nup and I fought hard. My DH's parents were so strong in wanting one and I fought my little heart out, but when I heard Suze say that it made since to me. I do say if you are confortable with not having one then don't get one. I so believe "what his is yours and whats yours is his", but for some people they can be just a little security because people do change and in the time of a divorce the hurt gets in the way of logical thinking.
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: The big "P" word:
    I dont think we will go that route whats his  is mine and whats mine  is his case closed.
    Posted by ellone400
    ditto and i will have two accounts offshore that he wont ever know about...can you say cheaper to keep her!

    Actually he doesnt want one and neither do I.. he knows that I have been trained to dispose of people that piss me off.. j/k
    naw we thick like theives and are just happy poor people... poor + poor = super poor!
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  • edited December 2011
    We're not going to have one, but I have a problem with prenups in general.  Maybe I'm just a simpleton and old fashioned, but I think that you're basically already arranging your future divorce when you sign one (don't throw stones at me!).  I totally understand the purpose of them for protection and what not, but I just have a huge problem with telling my future husband that I want to be with you forever, but sign this document just in case.  I know that I can't predict the future and I never know what will happen and all that good stuff, but for FI and I, divorce is NOT an option.  I honestly believe that if you make divorce an option, you'll get divorced.  We're in it to win it.  I know some people will disagree with me, but this is how we feel.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: The big "P" word:
    We're not going to have one, but I have a problem with prenups in general.  Maybe I'm just a simpleton and old fashioned, but I think that you're basically already arranging your future divorce when you sign one (don't throw stones at me!).  I totally understand the purpose of them for protection and what not, but I just have a huge problem with telling my future husband that I want to be with you forever, but sign this document just in case.  I know that I can't predict the future and I never know what will happen and all that good stuff, but for FI and I, divorce is NOT an option.  I honestly believe that if you make divorce an option, you'll get divorced.  We're in it to win it.  I know some people will disagree with me, but this is how we feel.
    Posted by kiyamurph
    I agree! Even though we did get a pre-nup I did tell my DH that the only way out of this is in a box (if ya know what I mean).
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  • M1ssJM1ssJ
    2500 Comments Fourth Anniversary 100 Love Its Name Dropper
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    edited December 2011

    I understand the no option thing but I've always wanted a prenup, I guess after watching marriages of 30 and 40 years end in divorce and seeing some women get taken advantage of I want to be sure that in the event something happens we're not reduced to low blows.


    @Jkeyes - I think we watched the same Suze Orman show, love her!

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  • 7venAfricano7venAfricano
    100 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011
    Divorce is off the table, it isn't an option and if he likes living with a full set (his bat and two baseballs) be better not even breath that word in my direction. Be on tha fool faster than stink of $#!t, think I'm playing.

    On the real though, I'm with rodeo and kiyamurph. I've always felt that when you have a pre-nup, you're preparing for your divorce. My FI and I have discussed this one hard and we're on the same page- we better either be able to talk it out or fight it out, but nobody better be walking out. I already told him, if you think you're leaving me, I'm a be packing my bags too like, "Baby, where WE goin?" It ain't a game, I got all the kids and the carseats rollin with me. Play around I'm a have the dog and the two goldfish too.

    I just feel like, for me personally, I went through too much to just free willie, oh no, willie stayin in the tank, I don't care how he feel about it because marriage goes in cycles. Yes, people change, things happen, but I just feel like I made a commitment not only to myself but to this person. Told God, Jesus, the disciples, ray-ray, Shondra and lil pookie and them how much I love this person and that I won't let them go till death do us part.....I'm not going to throw it away like that. Not after all the time, the sweat, energy and the tears. Naw, if it gets to that point somebody is talking about divorce we better take it to Jesus and really check ourselves. "Getting a divorce because love has died, is like selling your car because it ran out of gas." - Diane Sollee
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: The big "P" word:
    We're not going to have one, but I have a problem with prenups in general.  Maybe I'm just a simpleton and old fashioned, but I think that you're basically already arranging your future divorce when you sign one (don't throw stones at me!).  I totally understand the purpose of them for protection and what not, but I just have a huge problem with telling my future husband that I want to be with you forever, but sign this document just in case.  I know that I can't predict the future and I never know what will happen and all that good stuff, but for FI and I, divorce is NOT an option.  I honestly believe that if you make divorce an option, you'll get divorced.  We're in it to win it.  I know some people will disagree with me, but this is how we feel.
    Posted by kiyamurph
    ROGER THAT!
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: The big "P" word:
    Divorce is off the table, it isn't an option and if he likes living with a full set (his bat and two baseballs) be better not even breath that word in my direction. Be on tha fool faster than stink of $#!t, think I'm playing. On the real though, I'm with rodeo and kiyamurph. I've always felt that when you have a pre-nup, you're preparing for your divorce. My FI and I have discussed this one hard and we're on the same page- we better either be able to talk it out or fight it out, but nobody better be walking out. I already told him, if you think you're leaving me, I'm a be packing my bags too like, "Baby, where WE goin?" It ain't a game, I got all the kids and the carseats rollin with me. Play around I'm a have the dog and the two goldfish too. I just feel like, for me personally, I went through too much to just free willie, oh no, willie stayin in the tank, I don't care how he feel about it because marriage goes in cycles. Yes, people change, things happen, but I just feel like I made a commitment not only to myself but to this person. Told God, Jesus, the disciples, ray-ray, Shondra and lil pookie and them how much I love this person and that I won't let them go till death do us part.....I'm not going to throw it away like that. Not after all the time, the sweat, energy and the tears. Naw, if it gets to that point somebody is talking about divorce we better take it to Jesus and really check ourselves. "Getting a divorce because love has died, is like selling your car because it ran out of gas." - Diane Sollee
    Posted by 7venAfricano
    ROGER THAT WITH RAY RAY SHONDRA AND POOKIE N NEM, LMAO!
  • edited December 2011
    I don't really believe in prenups, probably because I don't believe in divorce. Before my DH and I got married, I explained to him that I take vows literally and there's no way that I'm going to vow before God to be with him till death and then go and get a divorce. There's no getting out of this marriage alive lol. But if someone feels like a prenup or a divorce is right for them, I'm not the one to judge.
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: The big "P" word:
    Divorce is off the table, it isn't an option and if he likes living with a full set (his bat and two baseballs) be better not even breath that word in my direction. Be on tha fool faster than stink of $#!t, think I'm playing. On the real though, I'm with rodeo and kiyamurph. I've always felt that when you have a pre-nup, you're preparing for your divorce. My FI and I have discussed this one hard and we're on the same page- we better either be able to talk it out or fight it out, but nobody better be walking out. I already told him, if you think you're leaving me, I'm a be packing my bags too like, "Baby, where WE goin?" It ain't a game, I got all the kids and the carseats rollin with me. Play around I'm a have the dog and the two goldfish too. I just feel like, for me personally, I went through too much to just free willie, oh no, willie stayin in the tank, I don't care how he feel about it because marriage goes in cycles. Yes, people change, things happen, but I just feel like I made a commitment not only to myself but to this person. Told God, Jesus, the disciples, ray-ray, Shondra and lil pookie and them how much I love this person and that I won't let them go till death do us part.....I'm not going to throw it away like that. Not after all the time, the sweat, energy and the tears. Naw, if it gets to that point somebody is talking about divorce we better take it to Jesus and really check ourselves. "Getting a divorce because love has died, is like selling your car because it ran out of gas." - Diane Sollee
    Posted by 7venAfricano
    LMAO! Girl your post had me rolling at my desk laughing! You said some really deep stuff and I completely agree with you...but at the same time you had me laughing so hard!!

    But seriously...I don't believe in a pre-nup either. In fact me and FI haven't even said the word during our relationship or engagement. I don't even want to think about getting a divorce and to me planning on doing a pre-nup is having that thought about divorce in the back of your mind. Like one of the pp, I'm not one to judge...do whatever you and your FI feel comfortable with! That's the one thing I like about this board...we can talk and disagree about stuff but still be respectful about it! But it's your relationship and marriage and if you and your FI feel comfortable and have talked about it then go for it!
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: The big "P" word:
    I was watching Suze Orman and she said something really smart. She said why not get the prenup and have things settled in a time when you are all in love and happy and willing to talk about these things because if you do get divorced by then its too late to logically take care of this business because during this time you are angry at one another and on purpose want to hurt each other...I do say if you are confortable with not having one then don't get one. I so believe "what his is yours and whats yours is his", but for some people they can be just a little security because people do change and in the time of a divorce the hurt gets in the way of logical thinking.
    Posted by JKeyes2011
    The first time I got married I felt the same as many of you that "DIVORCE was not an option." And then as things got bad my mentality changed to LOSSING MY SANITY is not an option. So for this second time around for me I am getting a pre-nup, I own a house that I bought by myself no one is taking that from me...It doesn't have to be complicated I just want it to simply state that what I owned coming into this marriage remains mine and vise versa and anything we achieve together in the marriage well then we will have to split...
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: The big "P" word:
    In Response to Re: The big "P" word : The first time I got married I felt the same as many of you that "DIVORCE was not an option." And then as things got bad my mentality changed to LOSSING MY SANITY is not an option. So for this second time around for me I am getting a pre-nup, I own a house that I bought by myself no one is taking that from me...It doesn't have to be complicated I just want it to simply state that what I owned coming into this marriage remains mine and vise versa and anything we achieve together in the marriage well then we will have to split...
    Posted by PhillyBride123
    THIS!!! I know many of you ladies said the only way out of your marriage is in a box, but what about the women who stayed in a bad relationship only to wind up in that box? Let me put it this way, I grew up with in a house where my mom was physically abused and everynight I would pray that she would leave and take me and my brother and sister with her. Once, she was bleeding and when I went to help her I was told I would get my ass beat if I didn't leave her laying there...I was in 2nd grade at the time. I would love to say my marriage is going to last forever but I am not going to stay with any person who puts their hands on me. Oh, and for those who think it's best for the kids that the parents stay together no matter what, trust me, it isn't.
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  • edited December 2011
    Oh and my mommy isn't dead lol. She is alive and kicking and still married to his ass, luckily he now lives with his girlfriend : )
    image
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: The big "P" word:
    In Response to Re: The big "P" word : THIS!!! I know many of you ladies said the only way out of your marriage is in a box, but what about the women who stayed in a bad relationship only to wind up in that box? Let me put it this way, I grew up with in a house where my mom was physically abused and everynight I would pray that she would leave and take me and my brother and sister with her. Once, she was bleeding and when I went to help her I was told I would get my ass beat if I didn't leave her laying there...I was in 2nd grade at the time. I would love to say my marriage is going to last forever but I am not going to stay with any person who puts their hands on me. Oh, and for those who think it's best for the kids that the parents stay together no matter what, trust me, it isn't.
    Posted by hisSparklett
    I'm so sorry your mom and your family went through this. I guess when you grow up seeing such things, you have a different perspective. I'd never say that it's best for someone to stay in any type of relationship where they're being abused, especially when children are involved. I can totally understand someone divorcing after something like that.
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: The big "P" word:
    In Response to Re: The big "P" word : THIS!!! I know many of you ladies said the only way out of your marriage is in a box, but what about the women who stayed in a bad relationship only to wind up in that box? Let me put it this way, I grew up with in a house where my mom was physically abused and everynight I would pray that she would leave and take me and my brother and sister with her. Once, she was bleeding and when I went to help her I was told I would get my ass beat if I didn't leave her laying there...I was in 2nd grade at the time. I would love to say my marriage is going to last forever but I am not going to stay with any person who puts their hands on me. Oh, and for those who think it's best for the kids that the parents stay together no matter what, trust me, it isn't.
    Posted by hisSparklett
    Wow, thanks hisSparklett for being so open and sharing that! Sorry that YOU and your mom had to go through that. For myself I wasn't physically abused but I will tell you mental and emotional distress can affect your health physically and mentally and when there are children involved that is just another reason why there is NO excuse to stay in that type of marriage. 
  • edited December 2011

    Missrekaeagle, thanks. We are all good now!!

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  • edited December 2011
    I just felt that I had to share that. My hands were actually shaking as I was typing. I feel that all of the ladies on this board are smart and I don't think any of you would ever be in that type of relationship, let alone stay in one. And PhillyBride123, I know all about the mental effects. Trust me, that is another post in itself lol.
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: The big "P" word:
    We're not going to have one, but I have a problem with prenups in general.  Maybe I'm just a simpleton and old fashioned, but I think that you're basically already arranging your future divorce when you sign one (don't throw stones at me!).  I totally understand the purpose of them for protection and what not, but I just have a huge problem with telling my future husband that I want to be with you forever, but sign this document just in case.  I know that I can't predict the future and I never know what will happen and all that good stuff, but for FI and I, divorce is NOT an option.  I honestly believe that if you make divorce an option, you'll get divorced.  We're in it to win it.  I know some people will disagree with me, but this is how we feel.
    Posted by kiyamurph
    Ditto...I agree.

    Also, it would be pointless since neither of us have anything!  Like pp:  poor + poor = "no need for a pre-nup!"
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: The big "P" word:
    In Response to Re: The big "P" word : Ditto...I agree. Also, it would be pointless since neither of us have anything!  Like pp:  poor + poor = "no need for a pre-nup!"
    Posted by banks69
    LOL!!! That's me and FI!!!! We have a house together but the only thing he'll be getting from me is school loans!
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  • edited December 2011
    @hisSparkett:  I definitely agree with you!  Once you're in a situation where the spouse is physically or mentally abusing you, or being unfaithful, they are telling and showing you that they no longer want to abide by the vows they made with you on your wedding day - hence they no longer want to be with you.  At this point, there's no longer a vow or covenant between two people - one person has breached.  And even though it is obvious that God does not like divorce, there is scripture that backs up letting go someone who wants to leave (can't think of where it is but I think it's in the New Testament).
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: The big "P" word:
    In Response to Re: The big "P" word : THIS!!! I know many of you ladies said the only way out of your marriage is in a box, but what about the women who stayed in a bad relationship only to wind up in that box? Let me put it this way, I grew up with in a house where my mom was physically abused and everynight I would pray that she would leave and take me and my brother and sister with her. Once, she was bleeding and when I went to help her I was told I would get my ass beat if I didn't leave her laying there...I was in 2nd grade at the time. I would love to say my marriage is going to last forever but I am not going to stay with any person who puts their hands on me. Oh, and for those who think it's best for the kids that the parents stay together no matter what, trust me, it isn't.
    Posted by hisSparklett

    I'm late reading this since I'm on the west coast, but wow, I'm SO sorry you had to go through this.  No woman should ever be disrespected in this way and more importantly no child should ever be in your position.  I'm sure that this had made you a much stronger person and the type of woman who won't put up with anybody's mess.
    Divorce is not an option for FI and I, but there are certainly exceptions like physical and mental abuse.  FI knows that if he EVER put his hands on me, he would go to sleep and never wake up again, so if he ever lost his mind and started abusing me, then hell yeah I'm out like fire.  It helps that we've known each other for 11 years now, so I know for sure that he's not that type of person.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: The big "P" word:
    In Response to Re: The big "P" word : I'm late reading this since I'm on the west coast, but wow, I'm SO sorry you had to go through this.  No woman should ever be disrespected in this way and more importantly no child should ever be in your position.  I'm sure that this had made you a much stronger person and the type of woman who won't put up with anybody's mess. Divorce is not an option for FI and I, but there are certainly exceptions like physical and mental abuse.  FI knows that if he EVER put his hands on me, he would go to sleep and never wake up again, so if he ever lost his mind and started abusing me, then hell yeah I'm out like fire.  It helps that we've known each other for 11 years now, so I know for sure that he's not that type of person.
    Posted by kiyamurph
    Completely agree with the bold statement! Divorce isn't an option but like you stated, certainly there are exceptions!!! FI and I have already had that conversation and he knows that he better not even raise a hand towards me or I'm out because if they'll do it once they'll do it again. No woman should ever have to go through that...so yes there are definitely exceptions!  
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  • M1ssJM1ssJ
    2500 Comments Fourth Anniversary 100 Love Its Name Dropper
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    edited December 2011
    HISPARKLETT thank you for sharing that and thank God you and your mother are safely through that. I guess , as my pastor says, you prepare for God's blessing by readying to fight off the devil. FI and I are poor but my BF's mother came into her relationship poor and her husband of 33 years wiped out her 401K, IRAs, and stocks to build a house in Georgia for his gf from Jamaica. She couldn't divorce him when she found out because legally she made more than him and he would've gotten the house and alimony (after 25 years of working as a nurse). After the divorce he was still entitled to half of the house (which she always paid the mortgage on) so he was able to move back in until the house was sold with his gf!!! At almost 60 she has worked her whole life and been a faithful wife and has no retirement money to fall back on.

    I dont ever want a divorce but as Philly said my sanity is always more important than an unhealthy situation
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  • zantsterzantster
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Comments Combo Breaker
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    edited December 2011
    While I definitely agree that if your DH is being physically abusive to you or the kids, committing adultery or doing anything else that for you is a deal breaker then divorce may be the only option for you...But...I believe that whipping out the pre-nup would kind of be like me saying, yup, I trust you God and I have complete faith in You.  But just in case this is one of those cases where You're teaching me a lesson I'm gonna take out a little bit of Holy Matrimony Insurance.  But don't get me wrong I completely have faith in You. 

    I just would rather take the risk and deal with the fallout knowing that no weapon formed against me shall prosper.  It may sting or even be some material loss.  But I know God has my back.  And if He is for me then who can be against me?  So, I have no fear of either divorce or its possible losses.  Number one because I'm like 7venAfricano about not considering it at all.  And two because I know it's all in divine order.

    But I am far from perfect and everyone has to do what's best for them.  I am not going to be judgmental just because someone may feel different than me.
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