Not inviting close family members... what's your take?

evabee · March 2010

I'm just curious about what you ladies think are appropriate reasons to not invite a close family member (close in relation not relationship)..

FI is not planning to invite his mother, whom he loves, because he hasn't had his parents in the same room (except the courtroom) since he was little and they had a very bitter divorce, they also haven't spoken since then. Just thinking about it gives him a lot of anxiety. They split he and his sister up and he was raised by his dad, so his dad and stepmom will be there, but his sister, mom, and family from his mom's side will not (there would not likely be any behavioral issues with his parents as I think they would put that childish nonsense aside for their only son's wedding). Obviously, I support his decision, because I know how much thought he put into it, but I can't shake the feeling that she deserves to be there and that she might never forgive him for excluding her.

So a poll:

csumler · March 2010

My mother is also not invited to my wedding but then again she had no part is raising me. My grandparents did.

brookelynpaisley · March 2010

Personally, I think he'll regret at least not giving her the chance to behave. Family never goes away, especially parents and siblings. What if the relationship changes in a year and he regrets not at least sending an invitation. But then, she seems to have checked out. It's a very personal decision, so at least you're willing to support whatever he decides.

baystateapple · March 2010

This is a really tough poll.

FI really, REALLY doesn't want to invite his father to the wedding. His father is still married to his mother, but he's emotionally estranged from his entire family and hasn't spoken (willingly) to FI since he was about 17 years old. Family events with him are very uncomfortable. However, since my FMIL wants him there, and FI loves his mother dearly, we will be inviting him. I figure it's going to go along with what everyone says -- that there will be so many people there, we'll hardly notice him that day.

A lot of those reasons up above, I would say suck it up for one day. There are plenty of people we're inviting to our wedding who don't get along...my mom and one of my uncles, several of our friends, FFIL and, oh, his entire family, etc. I'm hoping they're all adult enough to be civil to each other for one evening, and distance themselves from the people they can't tolerate.

sarah0725 · March 2010

I think this is kind of a multiple choice answer, because I'd say the last three are the reasons I'd consider it.

Really, if I were your FI, I would talk to both of his parents and see if they could come to any kind of agreement. Not having his mom and sister there sounds just awful, and if his parents are willing to put their differences aside, then he should trust them.

danieliza1127 · March 2010

I can't see the poll part because of my computer, but your situation makes me wonder, does he have a relationship with his Mom?

I didn't invite my Dad to our wedding, but I have no contact with him and no relationship with him. My brothers keep in touch with him, but I don't. So I saw no reason to invite him.

aMrsin09 · March 2010

Were his mom and her family around during his childhood?
Is he just worried about them being in the same room for the first time in years?

My parents are the same way. My mom wouldn't even acknowledge that we had a father. But even she told me to not worry about them being in the same room on the wedding day, that she would behave and be very cordial.

squirrly · March 2010

If there had been abuse of any sort, or if they couldn't be kind to either of you then I think the lack of invitation would be warranted. As it stands, though, I think they should all be invited and told to behave as adults. Heck, split them up on opposite sides of the room & put your family in the middle if they must. But figure that out.

MrsHaH101010 · March 2010

This is tough, but has your FI tried to talk to his Dad about it? He could let him know that he wasn't planning on inviting them, but that he wanted to make sure it was the right decision. His Dad may surprise him. And also remember that there will be lots of things going on and people there that they won't ever have to interact.

evabee · March 2010

He does have a relationship with his mom, he calls her and visits her and loves her very much, his sister does not speak to him or his dad, which I've never understood but it has to do with a situation after he went to college.

I'm not worried about a fight breaking out between his parents at all. I think they would be civil. What I know that he's worried about is the fact that all of his guests, and most of mine, would know that it's the first time they've been in the same room since the divorce, and that there is an enormous amount of bad blood between them, so tension would be high in his opinion. FI gets anxiety just thinking about it, because in the past they have always split the big events in his life, high school and college graduation, commissioning, etc. So I think that HIS not knowing what to do with himself in that situation is more the issue than his parents having a problem.

AdeleDazeem · March 2010

My fiance doesn't want a close (very close!) family member on his side at the wedding. I understand his reasons. It's not my decision to make; it's my job to support him since he feels that strongly about it.

BecW2be · March 2010

I am torn on this one. If he loves her and speaks to her often, she should be able to see her son get married. If I was the mother in this situation, I would be heartbroken. I would also offer to just come to the ceremony and then leave and miss the reception so I wouldn't cause any stress for the rest of the day. But you can't ask her to do that, so I have no idea what to tell you.

My nephew didn't invite either of his parents to his wedding. My parents went and represented the family. But he was very sure of his decision (I would be too. My brother is a major pieceofshit), and your FI seems unsure. I think if there is any doubt he will regret not having her there, he should invite her.

ohwhynot · March 2010

Tough question. There is a situation in my own familly that I am struggling with - really, really struggling and I still don't know what to do. I am not yet ready to discuss this publicly, but . . . suffice it to say that events that occurred more than 40 years ago when the involved parties were teens and pre-teens still have lasting effects and there is no way NOT to hurt at least one of my siblings - both of whom I love.

Someone will be hurt - either the person (and family) I don't invite or the person whose childhood pain & trauma I ignore by inviting the first person. I know which way we're leaning but I feel the pain of all the posters wrestling with these issues!

evabee · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-close-family-members-whats?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9aa06b10-f18d-4c38-b2a0-fb6956dcc1e1Post:e3ed0303-a4a2-42ef-8487-776856a0fcfb">Re: Not inviting close family members... what's your take?</a>:
[QUOTE]If I was the mother in this situation, I would be heartbroken. I would also offer to just come to the ceremony and then leave and miss the reception so I wouldn't cause any stress for the rest of the day. But you can't ask her to do that, so I have no idea what to tell you.
Posted by BecW2be[/QUOTE]

<div>This is what I suggested and he has been mulling it over. We're having a late cocktail reception, so I said maybe we should take her to lunch with his grandma, then have her come to the ceremony, take pictures with us, and then leave. I know she's going to be hurt either way, because she'll make it an issue of him choosing his dad over her, but at least he can feel better than he would be able to spend some anxiety-free time with her, thank her for coming by taking her to lunch, have her see us get married, and then excuse her by saying "she's got to get Nana back to the hotel for bed!" at about 9pm. He didn't really like the idea but I hope he thinks more about it.</div>

crfische · March 2010

I think your husband needs to invite his mother and it seems like he's being rather childish about it. So what if people will talk about it? Does he really think people will be more focused on that than the wedding that's going on?

It'd be different if he hated her and never talked to her, but I think he's being ridiculous.

kate51485 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-close-family-members-whats?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9aa06b10-f18d-4c38-b2a0-fb6956dcc1e1Post:9ba2d2ce-094a-4d08-8ec6-c3f30b522baf">Re: Not inviting close family members... what's your take?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not inviting close family members... what's your take? : This is what I suggested and he has been mulling it over. We're having a late cocktail reception, so I said <strong>maybe we should take her to lunch with his grandma, then have her come to the ceremony, take pictures with us, and then leave. I know she's going to be hurt either way, because she'll make it an issue of him choosing his dad over her, but at least he can feel better than he would be able to spend some anxiety-free time with her, </strong>thank her for coming by taking her to lunch, have her see us get married, and then excuse her by saying "she's got to get Nana back to the hotel for bed!" at about 9pm. He didn't really like the idea but I hope he thinks more about it.
Posted by evabee[/QUOTE]

If she's still going to be hurt by this, then I don't think it's a good idea at all.

He needs to calm down and invite her. Like Fishy said, are people really going to be sitting there analyzing the family drama scorecards? I doubt it.

pumpkinpumpkin · March 2010

Because WE as a COUPLE decided TOGETHER that it was the best choice.

I wouldn't not invite someone because they can't get along with someone else. That's ridiculous and childish. If either party couldn't co-operate for one day, I would invite NEITHER of them.

Your FI is going to regret not having his mother there, they have a relationship. For crying out loud do people go to extremes for weddings.

AmoroAgain · March 2010

I haven't really read any of the responses, but I'll just throw my own personal take on this.

Normally, I'm very supportive of people not inviting parents for abuse/neglect reasons. But, it doesn't seem to be the case here. I did not invite my father, and don't regret it. However, I'd given him his chances and he didn't deserve anymore. It doesn't seem, from your information, that he's even done that. I know my father was hurt that I didn't invite him, but at the same time, I really didn't want him there because he didn't deserve it. I'd given him all the opportunities I could handle, for him to be a good person and he always made me regret it. Is this the case with your FMIL? I just... I don't understand. Also, the way they did the separation of brother and sister... that's just weird. I can't believe a court allowed that.

evabee · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-close-family-members-whats?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9aa06b10-f18d-4c38-b2a0-fb6956dcc1e1Post:10853074-f0ef-4115-88d6-c92e7d468457">Re: Not inviting close family members... what's your take?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think your husband needs to invite his mother and it seems like he's being rather childish about it. So what if people will talk about it?
Posted by crfische[/QUOTE]

<div>It's not about people talking about it, it's knowing that everyone is tiptoeing around the big white elephant in the room. That being said, I have to admit, I've thought the same thing as you. I figured I'd ask everyone here because I've never been in that situation, there aren't even any divorces in my entire family that weren't amicable (I have 4 ex-aunts and uncles that will be invited). So I wouldn't want to tell him he's being childish since I have no experience off of which to base that judgement.</div><div>
</div><div>I can understand why he would feel uncomfortable with it, I'm just struggling with whether or not he should suck it up and feel anxious on his wedding day.</div>

evabee · March 2010

No, there was no abuse. The custody battle lasted until FI left for college though, and 10 years is a long time to be going to court and listening to your parents battle it out. In addition, and the reason it's his mom and not his dad who would not be invited, his mom used to call child services on his dad constantly, because FI had chosen to live with his dad when he was little and when she called CS she would get FI for the duration of the investigation (2 maybe 3 days). He's forgiven those things, but I know he hasn't forgotten, and his mom actively poisoned his sister against he and his dad. So he loves her, but it's not like she's this wonderful ray of sunshine in his life.

kate51485 · March 2010

So is he super close with his father?

AmoroAgain · March 2010

Okay, but she did that because she had her child taken away from her. I mean, if he's truly forgiven her, he wouldn't be willing to do this.

evabee · March 2010

He is VERY close to his dad, and she did not really have her child taken away. FI stayed with her every other weekend and ate dinner there every Wednesday night and all holidays, which was not required by the court but FIs dad didn't want him to grow up without his mom and sister so he arranged it. This lasted until mom remarried her divorce lawyer and FI no longer wanted to be there. He still had dinner with her 2x a week, just never spent the night after she moved in with her new husband.

I do agree with you guys though, that his decision seems extreme. I just don't know how it feels in that position and have NOTHING even remotely similar to compare it to. That's why I asked and I feel like I've gotten some excellent advice.

kikibaby · March 2010

I really think he should invite her. I'm sure they can behave like adults for one day for the sake of their son. FI's parents had a nasty divorce and do not get along at all, but they're both invited to my wedding. It's very small, so they're going to have to interact, and if they aren't able to control themselves, I'll ask them both to leave.

Shawnee11507 · March 2010

I think he should invite her. My parents will be seeing eachother for the first time in 18 years at my wedding. They don't like eachother. Dad asked me not to seat him at the same table as my mom, that's all. I am a little nervous and hope they behave out of respect for me. If they start causing a scene, FI will escort them out of the reception.

Siobhan50 · March 2010

Not inviting his kids, my mom, my brothers etc. We have both been married before and did the big wedding thing, this time we both want to relax and have fun...not worry about if they are having a good time....

evabee · March 2010

You'd think, mery! I'm sure they will put any bad blood aside for your sake, but I think the nerves you feel about it are probably similar to my FI's nerves. I imagine that everyone in the families would really step up to make it as comfortable as possible for each other and you. I really hope that weddings are happy enough times that people actually forget about those things. I honestly don't think that when my FFIL is hugging his son his ex-wife would be thinking "that rat bastard" no matter how much he hates him.

playtntsbpg30 · March 2010

I'm not inviting any of my aunts or uncles or cousins from my dads "blood" side. Even if his birth mom was alive I wouldn't invite her.
He was raised in a foster home.. His mom basically abandoned him at age 3, his parents that I and my family consider grandparents he has been with since age 9..They are my grandparents and his brothers and sister are those they had adopted. My dad's real mom wouldn't allow them to adopt him but they are just as much his parents either way.
I know it's a little different.
But I know his birth family, he talks to a selective few. I don't know all them. But the ones I do know I don't talk to. I talk to one, via facebook/myspace. Once in awhile. I will not be inviting any of them.
If you have no relationship with them, then don't invite. If you do, then invite and place them at tables on opposite side of the room. Try to talk to them and pray they don't make a fuss being in the same room.
I hope you's are able to work it out.

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