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worried that a small guest list will = a very small wedding

We are having a very small ceremony at a restaurant with a meal.  We need to keep it very small due to our budget.  We considered having a very private ceremony only, but would like to include some friends.

Part of the reason it has to be a little bigger than private is that inviting only immediate family and their families equals 39 people (including kids).  I wish I knew what these people were going to do.  Let's say our ceiling is 50 people...I would hate to limit our list to only our 11 closest friends and then have some in my family not come.  If my sister doesn't come, that would be 6 people, room for 3 couples, for example.  I could potentially see 3 families not coming, if they didn't this would be 12 people. 

I know everyone here is very against B-listing, and I understand.  But I really wish I could figure out what was going on with my family before we decided how many friends to invite.  I HATE having to cut my friends list down so severely.  We're talking about 11 total friends between myself and my FI, and I hate it.

Does anyone have any suggestions?  Do I really just have to suck it up and make the painful cuts to the friends list and invite everybody at once?  I don't want to offend anybody by asking later than my family I guess, but I'm worried I'll invite 50 and 38 will show up.

Thanks for the help.

Re: worried that a small guest list will = a very small wedding

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    edited February 2013
    I think your best bet is to skip having a dinner. Have a lunch reception or a cake & punch reception. Even for 100 people, this can be done very budget friendly. 

    Check out the budget board, the women over there are fabulous with way to make your wedding beautiful and not costly. 
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    I'm afraid you're just going to have to suck it up :/ If you cannot afford to invite over your "budget" (due to money, or venue, or both) then you can't. You'll look like the fool who didn't plan properly.  :(
     Daisypath Anniversary tickers
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    We are having it when we are having it because my FI's parents will be in from out of state.  Because of the timings of some other things that weekend, it pretty much has to be dinner.  I have no intention of inviting more than we can afford, I am just going to feel really bad if we could have included more friends that day.
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    That's the risk you run. Honestly, I might get flamed for this, but say you send out your invites on Monday and Wednesday you get a decline with 3 people, I honestly think there's no harm in sending 3 friends invites on Thursday. I see b-listing as sending the invite two days before the response cards are due. 
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_worried-that-a-small-guest-list-will-a-very-small-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b296e92e-89de-41b6-b05a-e12ac3b69370Post:5d452de2-76b6-4a31-96d0-cd4cfeda32e3">worried that a small guest list will = a very small wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]We are having a very small ceremony at a restaurant with a meal.  We need to keep it very small due to our budget.  We considered having a very private ceremony only, but would like to include some friends. Part of the reason it has to be a little bigger than private is that inviting only immediate family and their families equals 39 people (including kids).  I wish I knew what these people were going to do.  Let's say our ceiling is 50 people...I would hate to limit our list to only our 11 closest friends and then have some in my family not come.  If my sister doesn't come, that would be 6 people, room for 3 couples, for example.  I could potentially see 3 families not coming, if they didn't this would be 12 people.  I know everyone here is very against B-listing, and I understand.  But I really wish I could figure out what was going on with my family before we decided how many friends to invite.  I HATE having to cut my friends list down so severely.  We're talking about 11 total friends between myself and my FI, and I hate it. Does anyone have any suggestions?  Do I really just have to suck it up and make the painful cuts to the friends list and invite everybody at once?  I don't want to offend anybody by asking later than my family I guess, but I'm worried I'll invite 50 and 38 will show up. Thanks for the help.
    Posted by TheShelley[/QUOTE]

    Yep, you are going to have to suck it up.  If there is any way you can stretch your budget to 60 people, so you can invite more friends, do that. And MAYBE you'll end up with 45-50, which is what you are hoping for. BUT, you have to be able to pay for all 60 in the event they all show up. 
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    Are other people coming from out of state or out of the country? We have a lot in the out of area categories and by the time our invitations go out they will have had to purchase their plane tickets and made arrangements to stay with various family members who are here (25 of the family members on our guest list are in Europe). That will give us a better idea of who is coming from the family allowing us to invite a few more friends who we would like to be there without going over. Both of our families are pretty casual and our wedding is very casual, so people have already been talking pretty openly about who will be able to affod to travel for the wedding and who will not.
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    Why would your sister not come?  Is this a very real possibility?  When will she know for sure? 

    For our own list we took the "probably no"s into account when determining our 'ideal' guest list size.  Had they all shown up we would have had room for them and would have been able to cover it; but our budget was much more comfortable presuming their decline.  For example: my aunt told us when STDs went out that they would not be attending; we still invited them and had they come it would have been fine, but we were comfortable including a few extra friends b/c we knew in all likelihood she wouldn't be there.  Is this a possibility for you?

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    My FI's family are the only ones traveling really far.  My sister not coming is a real possibility, but she could RSVP yes and still not come, it's just the way it is with her.  I am sure we will consider the "probably nos" no the count when we get to sending invites, but it is a little over a month away now, so I'm getting nervous.
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    Is another location with a larger space and lower cost per head available? Look around you might find another restaurant that would allow you to up your head count without going over budget. Or maybe you an restrict the menu at the restraunt to 3 or so (affordable) options to allow for more people.
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    Don't invite the children. That would leave room for more adults. 
    "There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -Friedrich Nietzsche, "On Reading and Writing"
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    Personally, I would find a way to invite these 11 friends.    I would pick a less expensive venue or something to make it work.    It's not like you are trying to fit in 11 people who are friends of your parents from childhood.    These are people you seem to be close to.  

    To be completely honest, I'm no sure why you didn't plan an event that could include them?   Having a brunch or lunch wedding could have helped.  Picking a less expensive restaurant is another option.     Guests generally don't care where they are as long as they are hosted properly.







    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    I guess our "vision" was always relatively small, but now when it comes time to think about invitations it's going to hurt to limit it to a certain number of close friends.  That weekend is graduation weekend for a lot of schools and also Mother's Day weekend.  I wish I could not invite kids, but I think that would start WWIII.  It will be nice for my kids to get to see their cousins.

    We were going for "simple", but I think nothing is!
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_worried-that-a-small-guest-list-will-a-very-small-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b296e92e-89de-41b6-b05a-e12ac3b69370Post:6a174544-6cf5-4611-87a3-9a0a1f8457f5">Re: worried that a small guest list will = a very small wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]I guess our "vision" was always relatively small, but now when it comes time to think about invitations it's going to hurt to limit it to a certain number of close friends.  That weekend is graduation weekend for a lot of schools and also Mother's Day weekend.  I wish I could not invite kids, but I think that would start WWIII.  It will be nice for my kids to get to see their cousins. We were going for "simple", but I think nothing is!
    Posted by TheShelley[/QUOTE]

     I think you need to come to terms that with immediate family equaling 39 people, your wedding was never going to 'very small'.  And thats okay.   That does not mean 61 is all the sudden large.   Stop focusing on the number and invite those you are really close to and make it work.   If that means 60 people, so be it. 

    FWIW  - my parents, siblings, their SOs and nieces and nephews equal 15 people (17 with us).   We will never have a small family holiday celebration.  It's just reality.  

    Stop fighting reality and work with it.  






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_worried-that-a-small-guest-list-will-a-very-small-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b296e92e-89de-41b6-b05a-e12ac3b69370Post:009b1fe5-55b7-49c0-a5c7-2665dba7d6b4">Re: worried that a small guest list will = a very small wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: worried that a small guest list will = a very small wedding :  I think you need to come to terms that with immediate family equaling 39 people, your wedding was never going to 'very small'.  And thats okay.   That does not mean 61 is all the sudden large.   Stop focusing on the number and invite those you are really close to and make it work.   If that means 60 people, so be it.  FWIW  - my parents, siblings, their SOs and nieces and nephews equal 15 people (17 with us).   We will never have a small family holiday celebration.  It's just reality.   Stop fighting reality and work with it.  
    Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

    <div>This.  Take your probably nos into account when you send the invitation, and enjoy your day with your closest friends and family.  </div>
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    It's not the first time reality and I haven't gotten along!
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_worried-that-a-small-guest-list-will-a-very-small-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b296e92e-89de-41b6-b05a-e12ac3b69370Post:c301c19f-971e-43fc-b3a4-28b2e9350766">Re: worried that a small guest list will = a very small wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]It's not the first time reality and I haven't gotten along!
    Posted by TheShelley[/QUOTE]


    Aren't big families just great?   <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-tongue-out.gif" border="0" alt="Tongue out" title="Tongue out" />]

    Honestly though.  I don't mind it one bit. 






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    can you do a buffet to save money and then invite more?  i had my reception at a restaurant rather than a typical "wedding venue" and we did a buffet rather than a plated meal both for options AND price.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_worried-that-a-small-guest-list-will-a-very-small-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b296e92e-89de-41b6-b05a-e12ac3b69370Post:714e83b3-b903-4ce1-9210-8bdd77e86859">Re: worried that a small guest list will = a very small wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]My FI's family are the only ones traveling really far.  My sister not coming is a real possibility, but she could RSVP yes and still not come, it's just the way it is with her.  I am sure we will consider the "probably nos" no the count when we get to sending invites, <strong>but it is a little over a month away now, so I'm getting nervous</strong>.
    Posted by TheShelley[/QUOTE]

    Your wedding is a month away and you haven't sent out invitations yet?
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    No, it is May 11th and we will probably be doing them the weekend of March 15-17th and sending them March 18th.
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    I'm on a small budget and would like a small wedding and luncheon. However with close family and friends there with be about sixty people(Most of them family, not even including cousins.. huge family). Because of this FI and I have decided to do it pot-luck style. I personally think this is kinda, tacky I guess? But then I think well they are my close family and I want them there so I'm ok with it. They wont mind either because they love and support us.

     @lyndausvi- Everytime I see your picture I smile. It is SOO adorable! I wanted to tell you but everytime I see it its a serious post and I don't feel its appropriate. xD Thanks for the explosion of cuteness!
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    thanks.  He is my 61 lb cuddle bug.   Rigth now he is sleeping on my lap while I have the laptop on top of him.     He is snoring so I guess he doesn't mind.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    edited February 2013
    If you cannot find a cheaper restaurant, can you arrange for a cheaper option at the restaurant you've chosen?  Maybe price out an option with a limited bar (only serve wine and beer, if you were planning on full open bar) or with one less course.  That way you could afford to invite more people, and then when you get likely declines you can upgrade your options.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_worried-that-a-small-guest-list-will-a-very-small-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b296e92e-89de-41b6-b05a-e12ac3b69370Post:d70a1d75-49e7-4f49-b675-39975e8489f5">Re: worried that a small guest list will = a very small wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm on a small budget and would like a small wedding and luncheon. However with close family and friends there with be about sixty people(Most of them family, not even including cousins.. huge family). <strong>Because of this FI and I have decided to do it pot-luck style. I personally think this is kinda, tacky I guess? </strong>But then I think well they are my close family and I want them there so I'm ok with it. They wont mind either because they love and support us.  @lyndausvi- Everytime I see your picture I smile. It is SOO adorable! I wanted to tell you but everytime I see it its a serious post and I don't feel its appropriate. xD Thanks for the explosion of cuteness!
    Posted by Jayceestar27[/QUOTE]

    <div>Potluck weddings are extremely tacky, and it seems like you know this, so why are you doing one? Just because your family loves and supports you doesn't mean that they want to provide all of the food for your wedding? I would seriously rethink this.</div>
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_worried-that-a-small-guest-list-will-a-very-small-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b296e92e-89de-41b6-b05a-e12ac3b69370Post:d70a1d75-49e7-4f49-b675-39975e8489f5">Re: worried that a small guest list will = a very small wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm on a small budget and would like a small wedding and luncheon. However with close family and friends there with be about sixty people(Most of them family, not even including cousins.. huge family). <strong>Because of this FI and I have decided to do it pot-luck style. I personally think this is kinda, tacky I guess</strong>? But then I think well they are my close family and I want them there so I'm ok with it. They wont mind either because they love and support us.  @lyndausvi- Everytime I see your picture I smile. It is SOO adorable! I wanted to tell you but everytime I see it its a serious post and I don't feel its appropriate. xD Thanks for the explosion of cuteness!
    Posted by Jayceestar27[/QUOTE]

    It is tacky. You can host your guests with sandwiches and chips or hotdogs/hamburgers in a bbq style for a few hundred dollars if your guest list is small-mediumish.   Asking your guests to cater your wedding is horribly rude. Family or not.   Go to costco and buy stuff in bulk and properly host yoru guests.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_worried-that-a-small-guest-list-will-a-very-small-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b296e92e-89de-41b6-b05a-e12ac3b69370Post:d70a1d75-49e7-4f49-b675-39975e8489f5">Re: worried that a small guest list will = a very small wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm on a small budget and would like a small wedding and luncheon. However with close family and friends there with be about sixty people(Most of them family, not even including cousins.. huge family). <strong>Because of this FI and I have decided to do it pot-luck style. </strong>I personally think this is kinda, tacky I guess? But then I think well they are my close family and I want them there so I'm ok with it. They wont mind either because they love and support us.  @lyndausvi- Everytime I see your picture I smile. It is SOO adorable! I wanted to tell you but everytime I see it its a serious post and I don't feel its appropriate. xD Thanks for the explosion of cuteness!
    Posted by Jayceestar27[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Seriously?  A reception is your thank you to your guests.  So your way of thanking them is to tell them to bring food?  That's awfully rude and tacky.  Unfortunately most of your family probably won't tell you this to your face.

    </div>
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