Who pays for the bridal shower?

bridetobe1024 · June 2010

OK here's the deal. My mom has asked the bm's to pay $75 each toward the cost of the shower. My mom and moh are paying for all other expenses (decor, the rest of the food bill, favors and prizes for guests). This is normal procedure for me in Western PA but I am wonderiing what everyone else in the world does. Am I expecting too much?

SparrowSong · June 2010

Whoever choses they want to host it. (Shouldn't be mom)

eastunder1 · June 2010

Why shouldn't it be mom? Is this some old dusty rule on the books?

ThePinkSuperhero · June 2010

I personally think it's rude to ask people to pitch in for a shower. If they want to pitch in, they'll offer. Those who want to host a shower should plan a shower they can afford.

tenofcups4me · June 2010

In my crowd, it's typically a sister/MOH, if there is one, and a close aunt. I know people whose mothers have made their showers. I've only once been involved in a wedding where the bridal party made the shower.

nda_roxybabe · June 2010

For a bridal shower I would honestly expect the host to pay for the whole thing. Now, a bachelorette party I can see having people pay.

Blueyed228 · June 2010

I assume it is whoever wants to host it.

No one should be asked by anyone to pay.

eastunder1 · June 2010

I'm also in the camp that you shouldn't ask people, and instead wait and see if anyone offers. Its rude to automatically expect people to give you money for it. And ususally most BMs will offer to help with something anyways, since they are presumably close to the bride. But it should be their call to offer money, offer food, offer other help, or offer nothing.

loop0406 · June 2010

In my case and my married friends, the MOH hosts the bridal shower. I have read that bridal showers aren't supposed to be hosted by mothers. Not everyone follows that. I don't think the bridal party should be asked to pitch in or be asked for specific amount, they should offer their help. If not, they shouldn't be asked.

AdeleDazeem · June 2010

In my world, whoever hosts the shower, pays for the shower.

And anyone can really host the shower. I understand the whole idea behind the "not Mom" thing, but my circle has gotten past it. Others aren't okay with it.

But, soliciting money from people who haven't offered it just isn't right.

klreese0213 · June 2010

within my circle of family and friends it's always been the MOB and MOH (sister) who pays. My mom and i plan to have my sister's. we did ask some of her BM's to bring a dish to the shower (its at our aunts house)... i didnt ask for any money, but if they asked us if we needed help, in return i asked them to bring a dish. honestly i don't think a $20 app will bust their budget and it's helping us a lot. After all, they offered, i didn't go searching.

ive never heard of the mother of the bride NOT hosting the shower.. but again, in my circle, thats how it typically is.

edit: i know this isn't considered etiquette... but it's how we are doing it. right or wrong... too late now

sucrets4 · June 2010

My mom paid for both my bridal and baby shower. She had help planning the bridal one, and listed the hosts as the bridal party, but I know she footed (foot?) the bill.

mags0607 · June 2010

My MOH and her mother are throwing the bridal shower, I don't think anyone else has pitched in, and I doubt that she asked for imput anyway.

I can see the whole "not mom" thing, but in this day and age when so many couples are paying for their own weddings, it really doesn't seem gift-grabby for mom to play host, especially if she has another daughter in the bridal party.

Ginabean2011 · June 2010

In my circle the mom often does the showers as well, although I do know that this is not proper etiquette. I have to say though, this is one of the few etiquette "rules" that I find rather outdated and unnecessary. I am pretty sure that for my shower my MOH (my sister) will be listed as the host but it will be totally planned and paid for by my mother.
I heard this might be an Italian thing though? In my extended family I am pretty sure it's always been the bride's mother but it might not be the norm for most people.

Kristin&eric · June 2010

whoever is hosting it should pay. I was in my friends wedding and I asked the MOH if she needed help w/ the bridal shower, never got back to me, then 2 months later she writes an e-mail about where and when and that it will be around $30 a BM, Ummmm excuse me but i was a full time student all the money i made went to bills. It was REALLY rude of her to do that. She could have asked we could help out with different things. Honestly, it wasnt worth the money she reused the decorations and all the food she had was chips and dip and sandwiches. If you host it you foot the bill!!

laurenclaire1386 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_pays-bridal-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:29f73b75-5637-4896-b4d2-d09a3162c252Post:8e737dc5-bd8c-403f-bd0d-fa6c934bcad3">Re: Who pays for the bridal shower?</a>:
[QUOTE]I personally think it's rude to ask people to pitch in for a shower. If they want to pitch in, they'll offer. Those who want to host a shower should plan a shower they can afford.
Posted by ThePinkSuperhero[/QUOTE]
Totally not related, but I don't think I've ever seen your wedding dress before. It's to die for. You rocked it like a champ.

topchef33 · June 2010

Where I live it's very common for the mom/MIL to throw a shower for the bride. When I was in my friend's wedding her mom threw a shower and I had asked if I could help and all she needed me to do was help w/centerpieces.

I think that if the BP wants to help out, they can, but it shouldn't be a requirement. And they shouldn't be told whow much they need to pay.

emarston1 · June 2010

I was once a BM and the mother of the bride demanded I pay X amount for the shower (keep in mind I had never even met the woman.) Long story short: It did not go over well and she did not get the money. If I had extra money to contribute, I would have offered.

carrieoz_76 · June 2010

The host/s pay for the shower, and if others want to help, they'll offer. As with most things, I don't think anyone should be asking for money if they haven't offered it.

strlzfan11 · June 2010

Not that this really has any direct correlation, but how many bridesmaids are you having and how many people are being invited to the shower? $75 from each person seems like a lot of $$$ when your mom & MOH are pretty much covering everything else.

When my sister got married (in Western PA, btw) 2 years ago she planned her own shower (don't even get me started on that huge breach of etiquette), and divided up the responsibilities so that the MOH paid for the invitations and thank you notes, I paid for all the decorations and paper products, my sister paid for the favors, the other 3 BMs organized the games (but my mom purchased all of the prizes for them), and the 2 mothers took care of the food. There were about 100 people invited (don't get me started on that one either), about 70-75 indicated they were coming, but only about 40 showed up to due to the weather.

While I spent a little more than $75 on my stuff (she also had specific things in mind that she wanted) I can't imagine that the shower cost more than $500. Of course we also didn't have to pay for the facility because it was at the church fellowship hall.

My experience with weddings in and around Pittsburgh is that the BMs host with some sort of financial backing from one or both mothers. That being said, if your BMs cannot afford to chip in, they should not have to if they cannot afford it. If I were you, I would suggest that your MOH give your BMs a breakdown of the exact costs of the shower so that they can determine where to go from there (whether that means cutting back on the guest list, etc.). After that, as the bride I would stay out of it altogether. How the shower gets planned and paid for is none of your business. It's your job to show up and open gifts.

cukimerrydoll · June 2010

Technically, my sister/MOH is hosting mine (in about 14 hours! Yikes!). Since she lives in a tiny cramped apartment, she's throwing it at my parent's house - that's also more convenient for about 70% of the guests.

When my sister asked if she should, I said that I didn't care. Whoever wanted to could do it. With the wedding "extras" like showers and parties, I'm more for the whoever wants to take it on approach. The only thing required of my BMs is get your dress and shoes and be there.

riverjib · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_pays-bridal-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:29f73b75-5637-4896-b4d2-d09a3162c252Post:b29fc33a-6bf7-4d8e-9e96-ca4a7dac4a11">Re: Who pays for the bridal shower?</a>:
[QUOTE]Whoever choses they want to host it. (Shouldn't be mom)
Posted by SparrowSong[/QUOTE]

Why shouldn't it be mom??? I don't expect my mom to pay for it, but given that it irks her that she can't help defray my wedding costs, why shouldn't she be allowed to pay for something if she can afford to do so and if she chooses? Hell, even if she WAS paying for my wedding, isn't it up to her?

My answer is that whoever can and is happy to pay for your shower should. I don't think there are rules attached to this anymore, unless you're having the most traditional wedding EVER.

quotequeen · June 2010

I think asking each BM to contribute a particular dollar amount is pretty rude. It sounds like your mom is planning the whole thing. If she wants the BMs help then she needs to ask them if they would like to contribute and in what manner. She should not be telling them what their "share" is without them offering money or being involved in the planning.

mica178 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_pays-bridal-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:29f73b75-5637-4896-b4d2-d09a3162c252Post:38f12fbc-e5fb-4565-85b0-4d3ff834e16a">Re: Who pays for the bridal shower?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think asking each BM to contribute a particular dollar amount is pretty rude. It sounds like your mom is planning the whole thing. If she wants the BMs help then she needs to ask them if they would like to contribute and in what manner. She should not be telling them what their "share" is without them offering money or being involved in the planning.
Posted by quotequeen[/QUOTE]

<div>This</div>

LD1970 · June 2010

Where I come from, showers are jointly hosted & paid for by the MOH & all BMs and sometimes the MOB as well.

bridetobe1024 · July 2010

I was just in a shower that I contributed almost $200 for - and I was told that is what I owed and I just paid it. I just thought that's the way it works. When it came to my shower, I was not really comfortable asking them to contribute but my mom and I thought by limiting it to $75 it would be better. Turns out we were wrong. And your responses have made me realize my gut was right. Is there a way that I can un-ask my girls to pitch in? I don't want to be demanding and never wanted to come across that way to my girls, all of which I have known forever. I hope I haven't offended them. What is everyone's thoughts on what to do now?

banana468 · July 2010

You can't ask them since it's a party thrown for you so you should stay out of it.

But you can say, "Mom, I think it was probably a mistake to ask them to just pay money towards the party when they never agreed to it. Maybe you should apologize."

Unless of course you actually asked - and then yes, you should apologize.

starla827 · July 2010

For my sister's shower (I was MOH), my mom paid for the venue and all the BMs bought the invitations, decorations, favors and gifts for my sister. At the end we figured out who owed who money to even it out.

We discussed it beforehand though. I didnt just plan everything and then ask her other BMs to give me cash. We all planned and hosted the event. I thought that was the way it was always done.

Who pays for the bridal shower?

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