Old fashion mother vs FI- I'm torn between the two

dramanut0410 · August 2010

I'm Catholic but my FI is not. He's christian. We're not too big on going to church, we've gone together maybe a handful of times- and two of those times were non family related. (regular mass vs weddings) My family is more conservative, his is more modern. My mother is coming on strong whenever we talk about the wedding. We haven't been successful in planning our wedding, I think we won't be until the "religion" topic is figured out- so I'm hitting a big road block.

Bottom line- I would love to be able to please both of them. I love my mother and I also love my FI . The difficult part is that were long distance, only 2 and half hours,but most times we're not in the same place trying to plan this wedding. I wouldn't mind being married in a church. My cousin is a priest and could marry us. I have pictured my self walking down an aisle, whether it be in a church or somewhere else. I'm worried about his family. Will they be uncomfortable sitting through a full Catholic mass? According to my mother, anything less than a hour ceremony won't "count", and the Church won't recognize our marriage. I have my mother's thoughts stuck in my head when I'm on the phone with my fi. Help. What would you do? any help would be great.

awick14 · August 2010

"anything less then an hour doesn't count" - i have been to many catholic wedding that are only 20 mins long. It would be very rude to say their weddings don't count. As those people where married in their churches, and still attend church every sunday.

I think that it may be impossible to please both parties. You could have it in a church but just do a shortened version of the catholic ceremony. that would give your mother the church thing and your FILs won't have to sit through a long ceremony. You also need the priest, in this case your cousin to expalin to your mother that a shorter ceremony still counts. Maybe get your mom to talk to a couple other priests as well then she won't think your cousin is choosing your side.

Hope this helps, I'm not religous but my family is and we are not getting married in a church. We are having a Justice of the peace marry us. This didn't go over well in the beginning but they slowly warmed into it. but i don't think your mom will. Good luck. (try to start planning your reception and stuff if you can't get past the ceremony thing it may help take your mind off it.)

fianceekathryn · August 2010

To answer only a small part of your connundrum- if you end up having a Catholic wedding, his family will probably be fine sitting through the mass, as long as you don't have communion (in which they can't participate) (my understanding is that most priests don't even like to perform communion in mixed-marriage ceremonies for that reason, but communion is definitely not required for the marriage to "count"). I'm not Catholic, but I was perfectly comfortable attending my step-brother's Catholic wedding (his wife is Catholic, not my step-brother).

trix1223 · August 2010

If you're old enough to get married, you're old enough to tell your mom and that you and your FI are going to get married in the place of your choosing.

You and your FI need to come together to make this decision. Then you need to own it. And then you need to make it clear to your mom that while you understand her feelings, you hope that she'll respect your decision and come to support you as your begin your married life.

But this issue begs the question: HAVE you and your FI come to a decision about the role religion will play in your lives? What about if you have children? Will you be raising them in the Catholic church? Will you find a church that you both can attend together?

And if you decide not to raise them in the Catholic faith, are you prepared for your mother's inevitable reaction?

I think you both need to be on the same page about this before you consider marriage. Because religion can become a very big issue in a marriage.

And I just also have to add: my son and DIL had a Catholic wedding without a full mass, and they're very much married. And it counts. And my DD and SIL had a beautiful outdoor ceremony officiated by our retired (Presbyterian) minister. And it very much counts.

trix1223 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_old-fashion-mother-vs-fi-im-torn-between-two?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:f5310f68-76e4-41a8-86bb-8804dba17776Post:d3c0b6a3-4241-4b5c-9c71-50825d6172c0">Old fashion mother vs FI- I'm torn between the two</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm Catholic but my FI is not. He's christian. We're not too big on going to church, we've gone together maybe a handful of times- and two of those times were non family related. (regular mass vs weddings) My family is more conservative, his is more modern. My mother is coming on strong whenever we talk about the wedding. We haven't been successful in planning our wedding, I think we won't be until the "religion" topic is figured out- so I'm hitting a big road block. Bottom line- I would love to be able to please both of them. I love my mother and I also love my FI . The difficult part is that were long distance, only 2 and half hours,but most times we're not in the same place trying to plan this wedding. I wouldn't mind being married in a church. My cousin is a priest and could marry us. I have pictured my self walking down an aisle, whether it be in a church or somewhere else. I'm worried about his family. Will they be uncomfortable sitting through a full Catholic mass? According to my mother, anything less than a hour ceremony won't "count", and the Church won't recognize our marriage. I have my mother's thoughts stuck in my head when I'm on the phone with my fi. Help. What would you do? any help would be great.
Posted by dramanut0410[/QUOTE]

dramanut0410 · August 2010

Thank you! That does help. I hope I didn't upset you regarding the "less than an hour comment". Those weren't my words. Every couple has a choice of how they want their wedding to be- I'm still trying to figure mine out. Thanks for the suggestion of having a church weddign but a shorter mass. I think that might do the trick nicely. It's nice to hear from someone who is an outside voice. I would love to be able to do other things for this wedding (like shopping for a dress with my mom) but haven't been able to do that because of this debate of the ceremony. It's getting frustrating.

twilight.rose · August 2010

Just to weigh in from a Protestant perspective...my husband and I are both practicing Protestants (I grew up Methodist, but we now attend a non-denominational church), and we've been to many Catholic wedding ceremonies for friends.

I assure you that his Protestant family will not be uncomfortable sitting through a Catholic mass/wedding ceremony. It is not a big deal.

quotequeen · August 2010

Trix... please? http://begthequestion.info/

trix1223 · August 2010

Q2: excellent site. Thanks. From here on, it will likley be "prompts the question".

I love learning new stuff.

MyNameIsNot · August 2010

You are marrying your FI, not your mother. You and your FI need to decide what kind of wedding is right for you, and what reflects your religious beliefs, and do it. Your mother needs to get it through her head that you are an adult and you get to make your own decisions now.

MairePoppy · August 2010

Your mom is wrong. A marriage ceremony in the Catholic church 'counts' whether or or not there is a full mass. And I don't believe your fi's family would be 'uncomfortable' with a full mass. Bored? Maybe.

This is a decision for you and your fi to make. You are marrying him, not mom. You and your fi should make an appointment with your minister to discuss these issues, if you are considering marrying in the Catholic church.

dramanut0410 · August 2010

Thanks everyone! My Fi knows that this has been bothering me for a while and has agreed to come down next weekend to "tackle" this issue. We're sitting down with my mom, and telling her what we decided. Wish me luck. I have a bad feeling that I offended lot of people with my mother's "count" comment. I'm sorry if it did, but I was just trying to give you guys some details into the situation. I don't believe that at all. I believe that you can get married any way you and your fi decide and whatever it is, matters and counts.

LuluP82 · August 2010

I think your problem might come in with the fact that your FI isn't Catholic. Usually, when a Catholic marries a non-Catholic, the priest will do the shorter version anyway, not a full Mass. Howver, all my friends who've had Catholic weddings to non-Catholics were made to promise to the children would be raised Catholic. The priests would not marry them without the promise.

Now, your cousin is a priest, so maybe he will marry you anyway, but be prepared for that battle.

tldh · August 2010

The attitude your mother is exhibiting is why I no longer attend Catholic mass and only rarely identify myself as a Catholic. Who is she to say what counts as a proper Catholic wedding?

That said, you and FI need to decide the religion question now. It really should have been decided before you got engaged. It will affect not only your wedding day, but also how your children will be raised. If you marry in the church, you must agree to raise your children as Catholics.

Just remember that you will be promising your life to your FI, not dear old mom, on your wedding day. Be a big girl, put on those big girl panties and decide with your FI, what your family's religious path is going to be. If mom can't take it, too damn bad. Sorry if that's harsh but again, I have a big problem with her attitude; she's not God and God is the only one who gets to judge any of us.

Old fashion mother vs FI- I'm torn between the two

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