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My Mother-In-Law Disapproves

ajroarkajroark
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in Washington-Seattle
My soon to be mother-in-law disapproves of all of my wedding ideas! Her and her husband got married in the living room of their home when they were 20 and believe "the more money you spend, the more likely your marriage is to fail!" I am not planning on having a lavish, expensive wedding (especially since we're the ones paying for most of it), but she is opposed to any idea I have that would increase the expense. 

For example, I want to rent china and she thinks we should just have paper plates in order to save money. I don't like paper plates, I think it's a bit tacky and we're going to be serving pasta so the sauce could potentially soak through the paper plate. She says she can't believe I'm "the type of person who would spend $300 on renting china instead of saving up money for a down payment on a house" and it really hurt my feelings. Should I just give her what she wants or how do I explain to her that I don't feel like renting china is unreasonable or in her words "too flashy"?
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Re: My Mother-In-Law Disapproves

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    jennuinnejennuinne member
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    edited December 2011
    Yikes!  Sorry you have to deal w/ this.  No, don't get paperplates.  You have to make sure you are happy w/ your wedding.  Include her in things that you have tried to have money.  And get FI to help you...he should stand up to her for you.
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    kristend72kristend72
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    edited December 2011

    It's a delicate dance. I would just avoid telling her detail items. Really, if it's not her dime, she doesn't need to know how much your dress was or rentals are. Fill her in on the fun stuff she might like but the rest, you two just are not going to see eye to eye. If she gets pushy, just keep saying something like, "We've set a budget that we can afford and are sticking to it and doing what is right for us and our future." You can even rotate between that and some other quips like, "Sounds like differnt strokes for different folks!" Then a redirect of the conversation. Like, "Speaking of food, I picked a bunch of blackberries from the roadside yesterday and I'm going to make some jam. Would you like some?" Both changing the topic and offering her something nice should be a wonderful way to deffuse the situation. Or, invite her opinion in some place where it is welcome. Like "This is delicious! Would you teach me how to make it?" That shows her that you value her, even if you disagree on some things.

    Hard as it is, try not to let it get under your skin.

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    amandaswamandasw member
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_washington-seattle_mother-law-disapproves?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:104Discussion:5040db65-6cdd-4ae2-b06b-ac37a5e12546Post:adc4e506-2439-43aa-afa3-ca5e13d80cdd">Re: My Mother-In-Law Disapproves</a>:
    [QUOTE]It's a delicate dance. I would just avoid telling her detail items. Really, if it's not her dime, she doesn't need to know how much your dress was or rentals are. Fill her in on the fun stuff she might like but the rest, you two just are not going to see eye to eye.
    Posted by kristend72[/QUOTE]

    This is really important.   She really doesn't need to know how much things cost unless she is paying for it, so I wouldn't tell her.  Not to be spiteful or secretive, but because it may be the best way to keep the peace.  Also as pp said, it's important that your FI is backing you up and tells her to back off if she gets too pushy.

    FWIW, my parents had a very simple wedding and my mom had a really hard time with the cost at first.  Both sets of parents were contributing (which was very generous) and therefore had a right to know how money was spent.  However, we decided it was best for me and my dad to discuss costs and not incude her - something my mom realized was a good way to save our relationship :)
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    carrieoz_76carrieoz_76 member
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    edited December 2011
    PP have great advice.

    I just wanted to add that this may be the first time that you and your FI will act as a family unit - separate from your own families that raised you.  This can pose challenges, but it's also an opportunity for the two of you to learn to be a united front.  It's not YOU deciding to rent china, it's both of you.  So when you talk about your decisions, make sure you're clear by saying "We decided to do X because it feels right to us."  Also, make sure your FI isn't scapegoating you and saying that you're the reason for a decision - if he's in agreement then it's his decision too and his commentary should reflect that.

    Lastly, don't feel the need to discuss your decision-making process for every little detail, and its cost, with your FMIL.  If she asks, tell her either you haven't decided yet, or you've decided and have it covered, and change the subject.  Have your FI do the same.  Again - this is your decision as a couple and you don't have to justify it to anyone.  In fact, the more you try, the more you give people something to argue with you about.
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    TygirljojoTygirljojo
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    edited December 2011
    Not really much else to add since PPs covered it all.  She doesn't need to know details (I stopped telling my mom details shortly after she started to dispute my decisions).  And definitely get your FI involved - he needs to be a buffer and stand up to his mom for you. 
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    holliedayeholliedaye member
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    edited December 2011
    Everyone's advice is spot-on.  You shouldn't have to justify your choices to her or anyone, especially if you and your FI are footing the majority of the bill.  Presenting decisions as a united front is important; your FMIL needs to realize your FI is a part of these decisions, too.

    It might be that she's jealous or feeling like she's losing control and this is her way of asserting herself as the matriarch.  Maybe she wanted a big wedding but couldn't afford it, so she has now rationalized in her mind that the way she got married is "better."  And some mothers are really attached to their sons.  Part of her could view this wedding as an upset to her world, and specifically, her role in your FI's life; she is no longer the central woman in his universe, you are.  These may be deep-seated issues which she is not aware of.  And remember: regardless of her impression of the wedding day, she will be a part of your family afterward.

    If your FMIL continues nagging you, I'd suggest limiting the time you spend with her while wedding planning.  You have enough to cope with excluding her unhelpful opinions.  Raising concerns about details because they are preposterous is one thing (like, hiring acrobats or coming-in-on-a-white-horse preposterous), but being critical of china plates is silly.  This isn't a church picnic, it's your wedding.

    Hang in there.  It's the FMIL's job to make you a little crazy.  Just remember: she raised your FI, so she at least did something right. ;-)
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