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is this sort of rude or am I being overly sensitive??

CassandraPotterCassandraPotter
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in Chit Chat
I'm not mad/sad I'm just sort of bummed, basically my FIs family is going on a "family trip" this summer and told my FI they didn't want me to come and they just wanted it to be a family thing. I feel like since we are engaged we are considered family. maybe if it wasn't a trip far away for a week or so I wouldn't care. Do I have a right to feel bummed? or am I being silly?
:3
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Re: is this sort of rude or am I being overly sensitive??

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    deepcovejackiedeepcovejackie
    First Comment
    I'd be bummed too.  I don't think you're being silly at all.  What does your FI say?
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    CassandraPotterCassandraPotter
    First Comment
    he just says "oh its a family thing" and then hes like "remember we went to japan with everyone?" (last summer)
    idk what to say lol.
    :3
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    stacie+lucianostacie+luciano
    First Comment
    Yeah, talk to him Cassandra. I mean I would talk to Lu's parents myself and be like wtf guys, why cant I go? if I were in your boat. but Im kind of close to his parents.

    Ask him. & no, you arent being silly. I'd be pissed.
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    GhotiGhoti
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    I can't imagine my FIL's pulling something like that :/ 

    Does he have any siblings?
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    deepcovejackiedeepcovejackie
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_this-sort-of-rude-am-being-overly-sensitive?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:960ce6de-57bb-492e-9d63-597b19e69436Post:db71c077-ef9c-415f-aba3-758f082b60f4">Re: is this sort of rude or am I being overly sensitive??</a>:
    [QUOTE]he just says "oh its a family thing" and then hes like "remember we went to japan with everyone?" (last summer) idk what to say lol.
    Posted by CassandraPotter[/QUOTE]

    So you've really tried to tell him how you feel?  Try again, this is important to you.
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    M&R7111M&R7111
    First Comment
    I know you aren't married to him yet, but isn't being engaged pretty damn close to being "family"?  They don't seem welcoming at all and I do agree that it is rude to exclude you.

    It's not like you're the "flavor of the month" and he wants to tag you along!
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    CassandraPotterCassandraPotter
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_this-sort-of-rude-am-being-overly-sensitive?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:960ce6de-57bb-492e-9d63-597b19e69436Post:ab242b6f-32cb-4846-b0df-bc541758294b">Re: is this sort of rude or am I being overly sensitive??</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yeah, talk to him Cassandra. I mean I would talk to Lu's parents myself and be like wtf guys, why cant I go? if I were in your boat. but Im kind of close to his parents. Ask him. & no, you arent being silly. I'd be pissed.
    Posted by stacie+luciano[/QUOTE]
    YEAH we are really close with his family!! we spend like 4 nights out of the week at his parents house just talking.
    :3
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    jaycee7389jaycee7389
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    aww i'm sorry. personally, i would be extremely hurt if that happened to me, so i don't think it is silly of you at all. i would talk to your fi about it. yes you're not technically married yet, but i would think you should still be considered family.
    5/27/12
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    stacie+lucianostacie+luciano
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_this-sort-of-rude-am-being-overly-sensitive?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:960ce6de-57bb-492e-9d63-597b19e69436Post:43ed7ce7-8098-4593-a64e-8b49e2964ec5">Re: is this sort of rude or am I being overly sensitive??</a>:
    [QUOTE]I know you aren't married to him yet, but isn't being engaged pretty damn close to being "family"?  They don't seem welcoming at all and I do agree that it is rude to exclude you. It's not like you're the "flavor of the month" and he wants to tag you along!
    Posted by M&R7111[/QUOTE]

    <div>agreed. </div><div>
    </div><div>I'll kick his shins.</div>
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    CassandraPotterCassandraPotter
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_this-sort-of-rude-am-being-overly-sensitive?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:960ce6de-57bb-492e-9d63-597b19e69436Post:b7d384e9-1797-4f54-9475-fd03f085bc43">Re: is this sort of rude or am I being overly sensitive??</a>:
    [QUOTE]I can't imagine my FIL's pulling something like that :/  Does he have any siblings?
    Posted by Ghoti[/QUOTE]
    yeah two other ones. one is 16, the other is 21.
    :3
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    CassandraPotterCassandraPotter
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_this-sort-of-rude-am-being-overly-sensitive?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:960ce6de-57bb-492e-9d63-597b19e69436Post:14ceb4e4-aee5-4dfb-a15b-be4bb9081a84">Re: is this sort of rude or am I being overly sensitive??</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: is this sort of rude or am I being overly sensitive?? : So you've really tried to tell him how you feel?  Try again, this is important to you.
    Posted by deepcovejackie[/QUOTE]
    he told me just now he thinks I'm right and that its rude what they're doing. but mind you they didn't say this in front of me!! they told him while i wasn't there.
    :3
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    CassandraPotterCassandraPotter
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_this-sort-of-rude-am-being-overly-sensitive?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:960ce6de-57bb-492e-9d63-597b19e69436Post:43ed7ce7-8098-4593-a64e-8b49e2964ec5">Re: is this sort of rude or am I being overly sensitive??</a>:
    [QUOTE]I know you aren't married to him yet, but isn't being engaged pretty damn close to being "family"?  They don't seem welcoming at all and I do agree that it is rude to exclude you. It's not like you're the "flavor of the month" and he wants to tag you along!
    Posted by M&R7111[/QUOTE]
    ahah thats what I was thinking too! ugh this made me feel better about my feelings
    :3
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    CassandraPotterCassandraPotter
    First Comment
    LOL but now I wouldn't want to go because i feel like I will be intruding!! I'm so awkward sometimes
    :3
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    laurenclaire1386laurenclaire1386
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_this-sort-of-rude-am-being-overly-sensitive?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:960ce6de-57bb-492e-9d63-597b19e69436Post:f1ac959b-7c97-4f6f-bde2-b88578de11a9">is this sort of rude or am I being overly sensitive??</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm not mad/sad I'm just sort of bummed, basically my FIs family is going on a "family trip" this summer and told my FI they didn't want me to come and they just wanted it to be a family thing. I feel like since we are engaged we are considered family. maybe if it wasn't a trip far away for a week or so I wouldn't care. Do I have a right to feel bummed? or am I being silly?
    Posted by CassandraPotter[/QUOTE]
    I'd be bummed too. I'm sorry :( That really sucks. I feel like engaged=family too.
    image
    Whatever you hatters be hattin. -Tay Prince
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    GhotiGhoti
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    So it's just his parents and the 3 kids going? Noone else? I might be ok with it while we're engaged, but that poop would def be over once we're married. I think...

    Dang what a tough (and rude!) position they've put you in!
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    stacie+lucianostacie+luciano
    First Comment
    Why not bring it up with your FI and them at the same time?
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    CassandraPotterCassandraPotter
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_this-sort-of-rude-am-being-overly-sensitive?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:960ce6de-57bb-492e-9d63-597b19e69436Post:e68946f8-9172-4d32-b189-79439a6f3adf">Re: is this sort of rude or am I being overly sensitive??</a>:
    [QUOTE]So it's just his parents and the 3 kids going? Noone else? I might be ok with it while we're engaged, but that poop would def be over once we're married. I think... Dang what a tough (and rude!) position they've put you in!
    Posted by Ghoti[/QUOTE]
    but I know how they are and they're totally going to do it once we are married too. Their daughters did it ALL the time to me in japan, they would both go off together and leave me alone! lol. and the 21 year old is really close to me in age. now I know where they get it from.
    :3
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    lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    I think your feeling are very valid and I would feel the same also.

    That said my family had one last family vacation before my first sibling got married. We loved our FSIL, but this was the last time  it would ever be just  the 6 of us ever again . 18 months later there were 3 new in-laws and one grandchild.   13 years later we have expanded from 6 to 17.

    To some parents it just means an end of an era.  That does not mean they don't love you, they are just mourning (?) the change of their small little family.  Holidays, vacations, life is never going to be the same.  And that is okay, but it's not a bad thing to spend sometime remembering all the fun they had in the past and dream about the fun for the future.

    I get being upset.  But I'm not sure it's something I personally would push either. 

    fwiw -  I encourage my DH to spend alone time with his family without me.  I think it's good for them.  It also allows me to have alone time with just my family.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    jaycee7389jaycee7389
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    so where else are they going to exclude you? i would def. talk to your fi and future family about them accepting you as a part of their family.
    5/27/12
    image
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    GhotiGhoti
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_this-sort-of-rude-am-being-overly-sensitive?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:960ce6de-57bb-492e-9d63-597b19e69436Post:197504a8-c3eb-4ca6-b4df-db14a85bfed6">Re: is this sort of rude or am I being overly sensitive??</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think your feeling are very valid and I would feel the same also. That said my family had one last family vacation before my first sibling got married. We loved our FSIL, but this was the last time  it would ever be just  the 6 of us ever again . 18 months later there were 3 new in-laws and one grandchild.   13 years later we have expanded from 6 to 17.<strong> To some parents it just means an end of an era.  </strong>That does not mean they don't love you, they are just mourning (?) the change of their small little family.  Holidays, vacations, life is never going to be the same.  And that is okay, but it's not a bad thing to spend sometime remembering all the fun they had in the past and dream about the fun for the future. I get being upset.  But I'm not sure it's something I personally would push either.  fwiw -  I encourage my DH to spend alone time with his family without me.  I think it's good for them.  It also allows me to have alone time with just my family.
    Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>This is kinda my thinking on it. I'd still probably be a little jealous though.

    </div>
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    lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited April 2011
    I just saw this might become a normally thing.  

    THAT I would have a problem with. 

     Not one of my in-laws have been excluded from ANY event once we got married.  And actually only one of the engaged ones were excluded.  That was my first SIL who was excluded from ONE vacation.  My SIL BTW is amazingly cool and likes to take vacation with her family without my brother, so I do not think she was annoyed, actually I think she used it to her benefit.

    eta - 15 years later she takes vacations with her parents and the girls leaving my brother at home.  






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    deepcovejackiedeepcovejackie
    First Comment
    I'm glad your FI sees your point, Cassandra.  It's important that your feelings are understood and validated.  I'm sorry that happened, I'd be hurt too.
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    tayylor65tayylor65
    First Comment
    I think it depends.  Under the circumstances I'm assuming, then I'd be bummed too.

    On the other end of the spectrum though, my mom wanted to take a family trip out to my grandmothers ranch in AZ this spring.  This would be my mom, brother, and I + grandmother once we're out there.  My mom saw it as a last family trip of the "norm" or, what we're used to (brother and I not with S/O's).  Although, there's been huge family drama in the past year that's also influenced that idea I think.
    Anniversary
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    CassandraPotterCassandraPotter
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_this-sort-of-rude-am-being-overly-sensitive?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:960ce6de-57bb-492e-9d63-597b19e69436Post:42fa526f-e56c-47fb-abbc-7bc6c8613660">Re: is this sort of rude or am I being overly sensitive??</a>:
    [QUOTE]so where else are they going to exclude you? i would def. talk to your fi and future family about them accepting you as a part of their family.
    Posted by pghRN[/QUOTE]
    they have done it a couple times with other things like dinner
    :3
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    CassandraPotterCassandraPotter
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_this-sort-of-rude-am-being-overly-sensitive?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:960ce6de-57bb-492e-9d63-597b19e69436Post:a8492978-5ee1-40e7-b164-92a96d03e2d7">Re: is this sort of rude or am I being overly sensitive??</a>:
    [QUOTE]Why not bring it up with your FI and them at the same time?
    Posted by stacie+luciano[/QUOTE]
    thats what we were trying to discuss, either him talking to them about it, or us talking to them about it together.
    :3
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    GhotiGhoti
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    I would have just him discuss it, otherwise you'll put his family on the spot.
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    Summer2011BrideSummer2011Bride member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    FI's parents have made comments like that when we were dating. There'd be a dinner or something and they'd say "It's a family only thing" right in front of me. I was angry and hurt, but we weren't engaged yet. I'd REALLY be pissed if we were. They haven't said that in a long time. I would bring it up with FI. he should be willing to stand up for you and tell his family, "she IS family now. If I go, she goes."


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    CassandraPotterCassandraPotter
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_this-sort-of-rude-am-being-overly-sensitive?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:960ce6de-57bb-492e-9d63-597b19e69436Post:dddb931d-613d-49b8-a317-333eb1351271">Re: is this sort of rude or am I being overly sensitive??</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would have just him discuss it, otherwise you'll put his family on the spot.
    Posted by Ghoti[/QUOTE]
    yeah. I wasn't too sure about being there and presenting ourselves as a couple, or having him do it.
    :3
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    CassandraPotterCassandraPotter
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_this-sort-of-rude-am-being-overly-sensitive?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:960ce6de-57bb-492e-9d63-597b19e69436Post:edc8d60a-8b67-457d-82b4-5135c15ddd30">Re: is this sort of rude or am I being overly sensitive??</a>:
    [QUOTE]FI's parents have made comments like that when we were dating. There'd be a dinner or something and they'd say "It's a family only thing" right in front of me. I was angry and hurt, but we weren't engaged yet. I'd REALLY be pissed if we were. They haven't said that in a long time. I would bring it up with FI. he should be willing to stand up for you and tell his family, "she IS family now. If I go, she goes."
    Posted by Summer2011Bride[/QUOTE]
    it doesn't help that they're half Japanese, too. Because their mother will bring a bunch of japanese people over and speak japanese the whole time, or sometimes speak to me in japanese (I'm not THAT good at it) but she never speaks to me in english. She even speaks to her husband in japanese and usually he just responds in english, he is pretty humble about his japanese. Either way the japanese thing doesn't help, sometimes it makes the canyon bigger.
    :3
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    sklink0486sklink0486 member
    First Comment
    I'm sorry, I'd be really bummed too. I can kind of understand if it is just the parents and children though. But, I'd still be upset that they didn't talk to me face to face. Considering they don't speak English that much though, maybe that's why. My fiance is from the Philippines and his parents hardly ever talk to me directly because they are not very comfortable speaking English and when there is more than just me and one of them, they mostly only speak Tagalog too- they make do when need be, but not really fluent. FI's father retired last August and the family was going to take a trip to Las Vegas and LA to celebrate. When my FI said I was supposed to come I actually asked him if maybe I should stay home and he could enjoy some time with his family alone (since they don't live here and he hardly ever gets to speak just Tagalog anymore, so I thought he might enjoy spending time with them alone), but he insisted all the girlfriends were coming too. 

    I would talk with your fiance and ask him if you are going to be included in their family once you're married. Maybe it's a cultural difference to not be necessarily included in the "family" until after you're married? 
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