How to not include children?

adibabyut · December 2010

We're having an adult only ceremony/reception. There are way too many kids in our families and we really don't want a bunch of 3 year olds running around screaming. We also booked a venue that is not child friendly and the food is definitely not.

What is the best way to include on the invitation or RSVP card that children are not invited? I don't want it to be tacky or sound rude.

We are sending our invitations out in a few weeks and this is our biggest issue at the moment. All of our wording is complete except this.

I know some people won't understand but our day and we just chose to not include children.

Missa513 · December 2010

My best friend had the same issue....so on her invitation it specifically said "Adult Reception"

aerinpegadrak · December 2010

Your invitations should never specify who isn't invited, and that includes the words "adult reception" or anything similar.

You simply address the invitation to only the parents, and customize your RSVP cards to be very clear. Rather than allowing people to write in their own names, you fill out the names for them and they only check yes or no.

GoBucksOH · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_not-include-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:6029ee44-d430-4951-add4-b48dd5fd555fPost:176fb16d-3cc1-4fcd-9dbf-289a83d9abe6">Re: How to not include children?</a>:
[QUOTE]Your invitations should never specify who isn't invited, and that includes the words "adult reception" or anything similar. You simply address the invitation to only the parents, and customize your RSVP cards to be very clear. Rather than allowing people to write in their own names, you fill out the names for them and they only check yes or no.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

THIS.

You could also put "We have reserved two seats in your honor" on your RSVP cards.

hz80408 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_not-include-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:6029ee44-d430-4951-add4-b48dd5fd555fPost:ea0f04fb-58af-4fb1-a139-11cde4bfeb53">Re: How to not include children?</a>:
[QUOTE]My best friend had the same issue....so on her invitation it specifically said "Adult Reception"
Posted by Missa513[/QUOTE]

No no no! The best way to clarify who is invited is by addressing the invite to who is invite.

So addres the invite to: "Mr. and Mrs. Joseph Schmoe"

In addition, another suggestion (we did this for those we invited that we didn't give a guest/date to) would be to put on the RSVP something like "Two seats have been reserved for you", which should really help get the point across of no children.

Summer2011Bride · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_not-include-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:6029ee44-d430-4951-add4-b48dd5fd555fPost:176fb16d-3cc1-4fcd-9dbf-289a83d9abe6">Re: How to not include children?</a>:
[QUOTE]Your invitations should never specify who isn't invited, and that includes the words "adult reception" or anything similar. You simply address the invitation to only the parents, and customize your RSVP cards to be very clear. Rather than allowing people to write in their own names, you fill out the names for them and they only check yes or no.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

Yes, ,this. Putting "adults only reception" or something of the like sounds rude because you are pointing out who is NOT invited, which shouldn't happen on an invitation. Address it to only those people you are specifically inviting.

I will warn you that many a bride I know did this and still received RSVP's that included the children. The guests just wrote them into the RSVP card. Be prepared for this and how you will politely handle it. I suggest calling them and saying something like: "Unfortunately, our budget/venue does not allow for that many people, so we are not inviting any children to our wedding. Because of cost/size we are not able to invite everyone we would like to." Be prepared for some to get angry or threaten to not come. If that happens, say, "We will definitely miss you, but understand you not wanting to leave your kids." Leave it at that. Do not back down or make exceptions. If they say this, they are really trying to strongarm you into making an exception, so stand firm. Chances are, they will still come anyway, and if not, so be it.

hz80408 · December 2010

Great advice Summer bride!

Some of my cousins had adults only receptions, and sure enough some of my aunts and uncles refused to come without their kids. But like Summer Bride said, it has to be all or nothing, so no exceptions!

aerinpegadrak · December 2010

We were actually pretty certain that DH's aunt wouldn't come since her children weren't invited, but their Yes RSVP was the first one in. You might be surprised.

shortee426 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_not-include-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:6029ee44-d430-4951-add4-b48dd5fd555fPost:1c77cf7a-8e91-49bf-bc88-3c250e7c08dd">Re: How to not include children?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to not include children? : Yes, ,this. Putting "adults only reception" or something of the like sounds rude because you are pointing out who is NOT invited, which shouldn't happen on an invitation. Address it to only those people you are specifically inviting. I will warn you that many a bride I know did this and still received RSVP's that included the children. The guests just wrote them into the RSVP card. Be prepared for this and how you will politely handle it. I suggest calling them and saying something like: "Unfortunately, our budget/venue does not allow for that many people, so we are not inviting any children to our wedding. Because of cost/size we are not able to invite everyone we would like to." Be prepared for some to get angry or threaten to not come. If that happens, say, "We will definitely miss you, but understand you not wanting to leave your kids." Leave it at that. Do not back down or make exceptions. If they say this, they are really trying to strongarm you into making an exception, so stand firm. Chances are, they will still come anyway, and if not, so be it.
Posted by Summer2011Bride[/QUOTE]

<div>All of this.</div><div>
</div><div>One thing to be mindful of is if you choose to say "2 seats have been reserved," Mrs Smith might choose to include her son, rather than Mr. Smith if he is unable to make it. You would be better off to either fill in the names already, or leave it blank for people to fill in themselves.</div>

Manwaithiel · December 2010

This is how our RSVP cards look.

Mr. John Smith will attend ___ will not attend___
Mrs. Nancy Smith will attend ___ will not attend ___

The names are written in for them and the only have the option of saying they're coming or not. No write ins or anything else (unless they have the gall to do a write in, in which you case you call them up and explain the invitation was only for John and Nancy)

adibabyut · December 2010

Thank you so much!!! I really didn't want to put "Adult's only" on the invite. I'm sure some people will threaten to not come but I am not willing to bend on this. Plus my mother is crazy, a total momzilla and I wouldn't be surprised if she told people to take their kids home. I am definitely using the idea to write in the names of the specific people we are inviting. This is also a good way to avoid extra dates/guests being tacked on. We can't go over 150 guests because we've already almost maxed out our venue and we've only budgeted and planned for 150 so we can't go over it.

Thank you so much everyone! I'll let ya'll know how it goes

hz80408 · December 2010

Happy planning :O)

blueeyes164 · December 2010

We are getting married 5/14/11 and having an adult only reception. We felt the same way that we had alot of kids in our family plus we didnt want a bunch of kids running around screaming and that be on camera. I am going to be sending out my shower invitations in a couple of weeks and on the invitation I wrote
Please join us for an Adult Only Jack & Jill Wedding Shower Honoring......

Also on the response card at the bottom I added "Adults Only"

On my wedding RSVP I will also put Adult Reception Only

You may think its rude by adding that onto an invitation but i knew if I addressed the invite to only the adults they wouldnt know any better and would still bring their children. Also what I am doing since our venue only holds a certain number of people on the Reply card I am adding:
_____ seats have been reserved for you
and I am filling in the blank with a #. For example 2 meaning the two adults in the family, It was the only way I could ensure people would not try bringing their kids and all kinds of extra people with them without having to deal with calling people back after receving their repsonse card.

kgytse · December 2010

anyone have suggestions on how to handle this if you are accepting rsvps by email? thanks!

Alexis&Dan · December 2010

I'm also getting married and we're also having "adult reception only". I agree with the other people to put " we have reserved two seats in your honour". This should clearly states that only two people are invited.

jboissel · December 2010

We are having an adult only reception in Feb 2011. The RSVP card says "adult only". We did call all of our friends that have kids to explain the situation, may be a bit more time consuming but being up front about it has really helped. Also, it gives the parents more time to find child care. Have a great time!

ashleyashley · December 2010

I agree with what everyone's said already. You don't write "Adult Reception" or antyhing like that, you just write on both envelopes who is invited and you go the extra step to fill out the RSVP card.

One other thing to do is have a list of babysitters in your area. On your wedding website you can say you're happy to put people in touch with a babysitter and if you have to make some phone calls to people who did RSVP with their children, you can say "I have a great list of babysitters who can watch your children that evening. Would you like me to give you some people to call?" It's a nice gesture that you went that little extra step (I think). Especially if some people are out of towners and wouldn't know who to call.

kelseyluhn · December 2010

we are having our guests RSVP through email and through our wedding website, and we've clearly stated ALL OVER our website (politely) that we're not inviting children.

on our front page we have the phrase: "we understand that children are a joy and blessing, so we'd like to gently remind our guests that our venues won't be able to accommodate multiple children for this event. we thank you for your kind understanding"

on a couple other informational pages we have the phrase: "Due to limited seating, this is an adult only ceremony/reception. We ask that only those listed on the invitation are kindly asked to attend. Thank you for your understanding"

Our invites say "adult reception", and the outer envelope on our response card (which is not getting mailed in) says "seats are reserved especially for:" and I've hand-written the adult names.

I have yet to receive any email RSVP's with more than 2 people, so maybe our guests have really read the website and have understood? Good luck with yours!

brod1984 · December 2010

We too are having an adult only wedding/reception. Our wedding is next week and on our invitation we put "adult only affair". I thought that having no kids would be a deterant because people didn't want to get a sitter. Come to find out, people are looking for a night out away from the kids and a wedding is the perfect occasion! I think no kids is the way to go!

MyNameIsNot · December 2010

Like PPs said, it is rude to put "adults only" or anything like that on the invitation/RSVP. (This is a fact, not what someone thinks.)

If people mistakenly RSVP with their children, via email or mail or any other method, you call them and politely explain "I just received your RSVP. However, since this is an adults only event, we will not be able to accommodate little Suzie. Will you and Jim still be able to make it?" If they say they can't come without the kid, say "I'm sorry to hear that; you'll be missed."

Don't back down. You don't have to let people bully you into allowing un-invited guests.

jleigh80 · December 2010

This topic always gets me all fired up for some reason. Simply put, the reason is because guests need to keep in mind who this event is FOR and who is PAYING for it. Answer: The bride and groom.

The B&G should be the only people who's opinions count when it comes to who should be invited to their wedding and whoever else's opinions they choose to solicit. And the fact that people would bringing additional guests to a wedding that only THEY were specifically invited to, makes me shake my head in disbelief: WHO DOES THAT? Its unbelievably rude and inconsiderate.

We are having an adults only reception and we are letting our guests know on the RSVP cards and we are doing online RSVP's only which only allow them to enter their name and then check mark the name of them and their guest with a yes or no. there's no way that they can "write in" the names of all of their children. But I will also add that the most important way that we are relaying this information is by word of mouth. It seems that whenever we see family or friends, our upcoming wedding always becomes a topic of conversation, so we always throw the information out there about the "no children" policy. I find this to be SO much easier because then WE are able to explain ourselves and our reasons for coming to this conclusion rather than people just seeing on the RSVP card and being put off by the "very idea that we should decide who comes and doesn't"...*sigh*

Although I do admit that our RSVP cards were going to say "adults only" but after reading some of the ideas on here, I think that we will also go with "two seats have been reserved for you" idea. I agree that certainly sounds less tacky.

clarkde6 · December 2010

I am putting adult reception on the RSVP's and the invitations so my families can plan ahead to get a baby sitter. Because sometimes the invitations dont allow for a family with 3 kids to find a baby sitter. I dont think that it is rude at all. I think I would be more rude if some people understood, no kids, and some did not, and then some people showed up with kids. I have read on many sites "Adult Reception" is the appropriate way to go. Then, when you have the RSVP to reassue no children You say "we have reserved 2 seats in your honor" This implies husband and wife... or guest and date.

sylvielicious · December 2010

I am so happy to see a thread with this topic being supported. It seems so many people get so upset that one would even consider having a wedding without children. Even my MOH has given me heat for it, because she said kids help the atmosphere be more cheerful, energetic, and are usually the first on the dance floor. I'm sorry, but this is a wedding, not a birthday party. Honestly I don't even think it's appropriate for a child to be there. Weddings are full of situations that children shouldn't be put in. Not to mention, what kid enjoys going to a wedding? I want our wedding to be romantic, a celebration of love. Not just ours but our guest's too. We are also having our guests RSVP online where they are unable to "fill in" anything. I am considering one of the lines a previous poster said, and adding something like "Due to limited seating, we kindly ask that only those listed on the invitation to attend. Thank you for your understanding." on our website. Parent's can't take that line as "I hate your kid and they are not invited to my wedding. Love, Bridezilla." Hopefully. This also addresses a concern I had about an adult bring other random people, not just kids. I love seeing people that I haven't seen in a long time, but not a "surprise" who's meal I have to pay for. I still struggle with those that argue with me on why we are not inviting kids. People feel so strongly both ways, 50/50, and I don't know how to explain it well without sounding selfish and bitchy.

livewithasmile02 · December 2010

I disagree that "Adult reception" is rude. If I received an invitation that said this I would immedietly understand- due to the formality of the event, limited space or, goodness forbid- the bride and groom don't want kids there (gasp!) - kids are not welcome on that night. It makes more sense to me anyway- it is two adults joining together in a very adult way with a bunch of adults ready to party after... unless the bride and groom have children, or have very close children in their family they want there, I feel kids are just an added expense and tend to go home early anyway. On the flip side- kids can be fun so if that is something a couple wants then that is great too! But too many parents assume their children are invited and welcome places in general and should know that unless it says "And family" or "any ___childs name___" that they are not invited and if they have a question they should call the bride or groom, not write in on the response card!! Now that is rude!

vb0000 · December 2010

I've also been struggling with this. My FI has teenage sons so I don't want to say "adults only" when in fact there will be teenagers in attendance. We just can't accommodate young children at the venue.

I'm doing on-line RSVP's on our wedding website. and there's a place where we can write in questions when people RSVP -i.e. "how many will be attending". I put in an additional "question" line that states "Unfortunately due to our venues restrictions we cannot accommodate children under 10 years old."

This is all I've come up with so far, if anyone has any suggestions on how to word "teens ok, young kids no" on the invite or webiste itself let me know.

meg951 · December 2010

We are also having an adults only reception, and on the invitation, after the location of the ceremony, we put "adults only reception to follow" then we called the people with children and explained in a nice way why. Since your place is also not particularly friendly, you can always tell people that you have to pay an extra deposit, wich we o, we would have ad to pay an extra tousand dollars, and hired a babysitter, plus the kids would have been kept in a sperate room. when we explained all that to everyone, they were very understanding and supported. not to mention excited at the prospect of a fun night out without the kids.

MyNameIsNot · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_not-include-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:6029ee44-d430-4951-add4-b48dd5fd555fPost:ee8d79fb-b48f-4b97-b8cb-41ec3d266dcc">Re: How to not include children?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I disagree that "Adult reception" is rude.</strong> If I received an invitation that said this I would immedietly understand- due to the formality of the event, limited space or, goodness forbid- the bride and groom don't want kids there (gasp!) - kids are not welcome on that night. It makes more sense to me anyway- it is two adults joining together in a very adult way with a bunch of adults ready to party after... unless the bride and groom have children, or have very close children in their family they want there, I feel kids are just an added expense and tend to go home early anyway. On the flip side- kids can be fun so if that is something a couple wants then that is great too! But too many parents assume their children are invited and welcome places in general and should know that unless it says "And family" or "any ___childs name___" that they are not invited and if they have a question they should call the bride or groom, not write in on the response card!! Now that is rude!
Posted by livewithasmile02[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I think you are misunderstanding the conversation. No one is saying that it is rude to have an adult only event. What is rude is actually printing the words "adults only" on the invitation. </div><div>
</div><div>The correct way to convey who is invited is to print their names on the envelope and maybe the RSVP. It is considered rude to point out who isn't invited on the invitation.

</div>

asliceofpi · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_not-include-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:6029ee44-d430-4951-add4-b48dd5fd555fPost:7da47b3d-8a7b-4bdb-8615-bb6fadbb9944">Re: How to not include children?</a>:
[QUOTE]Like PPs said, it is rude to put "adults only" or anything like that on the invitation/RSVP. (<u>This is a fact, not what someone thinks.</u>)
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]
Not to be difficult, but nothing in etiquette is written in stone. It's usually written in books that are edited and reprinted on a frequent basis. ;)

If I've already spoken to a majority of the guests ahead of sending out the invitations and use the easily understood verbiage of "adults only" on the invitation, I don't consider that rude at all. As a matter of fact, most of the guests we're inviting probably wouldn't think twice about it. Then again, most of our relatives are bridging the gap between having older children and starting new families, so the concept itself is not going to offend many people.

I think it really depends on your audience. If you know a lot of people that are devoted parents or have younger kids that still need a lot of attention, then being exceptionally tactful would be the way to go. If you know that this may only apply to a couple of people, doing the polite gymnastics might not be necessary.

donnacee · December 2010

Some of these comments are very valid, however at the end of the day it's your ceremony....I put "adult only reception because I don't want you to bring any kids and guess what " I have a child...what if a parent rsvp for 2 and that 2 includes them and a kid.....wow....someone may be pissed. I had someone to tell me straight up that I couldn't bring my daughter and I was okay with as a matter of fact I respected there honesty.

MyNameIsNot · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_not-include-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:6029ee44-d430-4951-add4-b48dd5fd555fPost:b94176ab-617c-4f85-8001-d0bd801674f2">Re: How to not include children?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to not include children? : Not to be difficult, but nothing in etiquette is written in stone. It's usually written in books that are edited and reprinted on a frequent basis. ;)
Posted by asliceofpi[/QUOTE]

<div>Yes, but the information in the books is not arbitrary randomness falling from the sky. Etiquette rules are a generally agreed upon set of appropriate behavior, that people in a society/culture agree to adhere to. When people choose to ignore these rules, they are seen as rude. The books are simply someone taking the time to spell things out. Sort of like how history books are just someone spelling out what happened. The history is the history, not what the books say.</div><div>
</div><div>Now, printing "adults only" certainly isn't the biggest etiquette faux pas out there, but it is incorrect, and it does have the potential to offend people. In addition to mentioning who is not invited, it tells your guests that you think they lack ability to correctly read an envelope. While most people don't think much of it, that will bother some people. </div><div>
</div><div>If you don't think your guests will mind, that's fine. It's a small point and the majority probably wouldn't. But to pretend that it is correct etiquette is just wrong. </div>

heatherloug · December 2010

All of these suggestions are good ones, but I , too am having no children at my wedding/reception. Instead of doing all the extra work, and trying too hard to not offend people, we are clearly stating "Adults Only" on our invitations. If someone is going to get offended, they will get offended no matter how nicely you tell them their children are not invited. Also, I have witnessed the experience of people addressing the invite only to the parents, and the parents don't catch on, and bring the kids anyways. I have worried about this situation since I got engaged almost 2 years ago, and have finally let myself relax and enjoy my planning, and remember it is our day, and a couple of P/O'd relatives are nothing new!

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