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Need Opinions

AlwaysABridesmaid...AlwaysABridesmaid... member
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in Massachusetts-Boston
Ok. My Best friend/MOH/FSIL just told me at a family thanksgiving party that her and her hubby (FI brother) are thinking about trying ot get pregnant late winter. Well, they didn't really tell me so much as I overheard it and they decided to fill me in. Tey just had a baby in august and had swore up and down that they wouldn't start trying again until after the wedding. She is my MOH and FBIL is the BM. If they conceive when they are hoping, that would make her due about a month after the wedding. Of course I am a little sad that she might not enjoy all of the wedding related activities being that pregnant, and worried about the dress and what not, but my real concern is for them. About two weeks ago she email me about how she was ready to leave him and she was looking at apatments on craigs list. They have been having problems since she was about 6 months pregnant and this isn't the first time she had threatened to leave. I told her they should try counseling and they have been going for 2 or 3 weeks now. I know I can't tell them when they are ready or not, but I just think that bringing another child into the world right now while they are still working out their problems is not a good idea. I feel like they need ot concentrate on their relationship and another baby will just add more stress. Anyways, I want to talk to her about it, but I am afraid that she will think my concerns stem purely from my being worried about my wedding. She is one of my best friends, and I just want what's good for her and I don't think this is it right now. They want to start sooner rather then later so that my niece will be close in age with her sibling and they are hoping for the same kind of relationship FI and his brother have (they are 11 months apart). WWYD?  TIA!
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    kmt_caskmt_cas
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Yuck!!  What an aweful situation.  You're right, putting aside the worry on the dress and all that stuff because that makes no difference, sounds like your friend is trying to save her marriage by making her husband happy and having another child.  That will never work.  It's just a bandaid.  The fact that they are going to counseling is a step in the right direction, but it looks like they need to take several more steps to be in a positive relationship.

    As far as saying something vs. not saying something - double yuck.  Technically she wasn't even speaking to you, you just overheard the conversation.  I guess it all depends on past situations.  Would she feel like you were eavesdropping on the conversation if you brought it up?  Or is she the kind of person who doesn't take any offense to that type of situation?  My MOH would be cool if I said, hey listen I overheard you say x, y or z, but I know a lot of other people who wouldn't be.

    If you don't think she would flip, I would bring it up.  You're trying to be a caring friend.  I mean, don't come off all confrontational, but you could ask basically what you're asking here, how are you guys doing?  Do you think things are going really well now?  Do you have any worries that what happened previously might happen again?  Have you talked to your therapist about having another child?  What was their response?  Just to get her thinking, perhaps in a more rational light. 

    This subject kind of crosses the line of none of your business, but seeing that she is your best friend and soon to be family, I think if you handle the discussion delicately you have every right to bring it up.  GL!
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    spucciospuccio
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    edited December 2011
    Woof. That's a toughie for a Monday morning.

    I understand your concerns 100 %. On the worried-they-will-think-its-about-the-dress issue, I think that if you choose your words carefully, you could safely have a conversation with her about your real concerns.

    Whether or not you should help is another question, and I am not really sure. If your FI and his brother have good relationship, perhaps he could bring it up?

    Either way, this child will always be a part of your family, so the best you can do is continue to be there for the kids and for the brother and his wife. Whether or not they have the child or split, they will always be a part of the family because of the kids, so do your best to keep the relationship strong  between you and them. GL hon!
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    Jaclyn619Jaclyn619
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    WOW! I am in the same boat...My Sister, also MOH has recently had some problems with her husband...she tries REALLY hard to hide them, but we all know they excist...he just RECENTLY started going to some sessions to help out his issues.
    When anyone asks when they are having kids, her response is ALWAYS, I'm going to wait until after Jaclyn's wedding, I don't want to be pregnant for her wedding...blah blah blah

    On a side Note: When she got married, she said her only rule was "No pregnant BMs"...I told her the same

    Well...She called me Saturday night...She's pregnant!

    I don't really know what to say...I'm Happy, I'm excited, but still I feel a little slighted... I feel like they should have waited, not for the wedding...but to fix whatever it is they are working...like PP said babies are not band aids. I deff feel for you, it's a REALLY sticky situation. You don't want to look like an @sshole cause it still is a baby and people get really excited for babies; and you don't want to be the Debby Downer...although, I agree. In your case it's a damned if you do, damned if you don't speak up. I honestly don't know what to tell you...I think either way they will do what they want to do. So if you say something, it may not matter...it will just cause drama, even though you are only trying to help. The only thing I would say is...ask her about it and be like "awwww, that would suck if you were pregnant and couldn't drink for the B-Party and wedding...."

    Good Luck :-/
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    foolforfoodfoolforfood
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    If I were you, I'd just keep my mouth shut.  I feel like there are certain matters that should be between H/W.  Ppl will do what they want to do.  If they wanted your thoughts or advice on the matter they would have consulted with you beforehand. 
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    Shazzie116Shazzie116 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I agree with Fool, especially where you have no idea how advice or concerns would be received by your friend. It's their issues, they're adults and it's up to them to work them out. And by all means be there to support them no matter what happens. If she asks you for advice, then feel free to give it, but as it stands right now it's between them as H&W. 
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