Rehearsal dinner problem - please help

hoffse · May 2012

Hi all,

So FI's parents are hosting the rehearsal dinner. They thought we were supposed to reserve the church for the rehearsal, we thought they were supposed to reserve it, and in the confusion somebody booked a wedding for the night before. Right now they say the church is reserved from 4 - 6 pm, but the church secretary said that this could mean they have the church from 2 - 8 pm. We're trying to find out for sure, but they won't tell us when the wedding is supposed to start and they won't contact the bride or allow us to contact her to find out. The priest hasn't responded to any of my phone calls or emails for anything at all in this entire process, so he is no help.

My question is this: if the bride really does have the church booked from like 2-8, could we do an afternoon rehearsal with the dinner later on that evening? Or does the meal have to immediately follow the rehearsal? 2 of my bridesmaids are lawyers, and I can't ask them to take more than 1 day off of work, so doing it the day before doesn't really work for them (they are both out of town). We also do need an actual rehearsal because we are having a full mass and almost none of the wedding party is catholic.

Thanks so much

[Deleted User] · May 2012

I personally wouldn't appreciate that at all as a rehearsal participant/dinner guest.

cpblanco · May 2012

Not sure what others would think, but around here big, indulgent brunches are common...maybe something much earlier in the day followed by a really nice brunch/lunch?

QueerFemme · May 2012

Is your bridal party local? Could you do the rehearsal the Friday, a week before your wedding, instead of the night before?

aragx6 · May 2012

I'd be annoyed, but it seems as though your options might be limited at this point. Can you do the rehearsal elsewhere? What about just at a park?

hoffse · May 2012

Nope only 2/5 bridesmaids are local, so it needs to be that day. We've thought about doing a rehearsal in abstentia at a different location, so we can explore those options if it would be better. I'm not a fan of doing an earlier rehearsal - the only positive I really see is that nobody would actually be late for the dinner. We're inviting all the out of towners to the dinner, and in FI's family the wedding party is traditionally an hour late to the dinner because of the way rehearsals seem to work in that group (takes them awhile I guess?). But of course it inconveniences the people closest to us... urgh I don't know.

bmoruzzi · May 2012

Why don't you just do it in the morning and go out for lunch instead of dinner?

hoffse · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinner-problem-please-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0261011a-2ffd-41c8-b57f-55d7db5f3b9fPost:8bcb43e1-8ad9-43a6-bbdc-baed496b5a7d">Re: Rehearsal dinner problem - please help</a>:
[QUOTE]Why don't you just do it in the morning and go out for lunch instead of dinner?
Posted by bmoruzzi@hotmail.com[/QUOTE]

<div>That's my preference, but FI's parents are insisting on a fancy rehearsal dinner with 100 people. It's not what FI and I prefer, but they've offered to pay and they would be offended if we now told them we didn't want them to host. I sort of feel stuck between a rock and a hard place with this one.</div>

LDubHawksFan · May 2012

We could have a similar problem. Our venue won't guarentee that we can have an evening rehearsal until 3 months before the wedding, in case it gets booked for a Friday wedding. Annoying yes. At first I took this to mean that we would have to do the rehearsal and dinner on Thursday, but I could actually do it early afternoon on Friday if need be. That works best since all of my family is from out of town. Honestly, most adults know how to walk down an aisle, so I'm not too worried, as long as our attendents know where to walk out of and where to stand. Our biggest thing is that the FG & RB get a chance to practice so they don't (hopefully) clam up the day of!

Plus, I have a feeling that it will calm my nerves to run through the ceremony with my FI standing in front of me.

Sorry for the long backstory. Anyway, what I'm getting at is I think giving your circumstances, your WP would understand if you have to do an earlier rehearsal and a later dinner (or at least mine do). You could do a late lunch if you would prefer to do it all at once and release your party. I know ours WP and family will just be going back to/checking in to the hotel in the middle and probably relaxing. Other OOT guests and even your family don't have to go to the rehearsal either! It could just be the few people that would be unfortunately inconvenienced.....

strlzfan11 · May 2012

Can't the other 2 bridesmaids fill the other 3 in about what they're supposed to do and when?

[Deleted User] · May 2012

I like rag's suggestion of having the rehearsal in a park. Although I suppose that could be an issue with procuring the priest.

Summer2011Bride · May 2012

Is your priest also performing the other wedding at the church? If not, could he hold the rehearsal elsewhere? Explain to him your dilemma and see if he'll work with you. That way you can have it right before the dinner, everyone can walk through what is going on, but you won't be asking people to leave work mid-day for a rehearsal and come back later for a dinner (I would hate that as a guest!)

hoffse · May 2012

Welll anybody who doesn't show is getting an annotated program so they know when to sit/stand, etc. But I mean a catholic wedding is more involved than just walk in, stand, walk out. We were hoping for a later rehearsal so that as many can come as possible. I'm really really really hoping that this 6 hour thing that the other bride is having is going to turn out to be overkill. I know they didn't let me reserve more than 2 hours, so I'm not sure what's going on with that.

Thanks for the suggestions - we'll look into an alternative venue (even if it's just the parish hall) if we need to and then split up the rehearsal and dinner as a last resort.

Summer2011Bride · May 2012

What one of my friends did when her church was booked for her preferred rehearsal time--she reversed them. Had the dinner at 6, rehearsal at 8. Try to find out for sure when this other bride needs to church. It sounds like the latest she needs it is 8. To me, reversing it was fine. It's still about a 3 hour affair either way with rehearsal + dinner; you're just changing the order of things.

LDubHawksFan · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinner-problem-please-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0261011a-2ffd-41c8-b57f-55d7db5f3b9fPost:c02316df-5d85-4c2d-9f57-7bf6dd2d8c38">Re: Rehearsal dinner problem - please help</a>:
[QUOTE]Welll anybody who doesn't show is getting an annotated program so they know when to sit/stand, etc. But I mean a catholic wedding is more involved than just walk in, stand, walk out. We were hoping for a later rehearsal so that as many can come as possible. I'm really really really hoping that this 6 hour thing that the other bride is having is going to turn out to be overkill. I know they didn't let me reserve more than 2 hours, so I'm not sure what's going on with that. Thanks for the suggestions - we'll look into an alternative venue (even if it's just the parish hall) if we need to and then split up the rehearsal and dinner as a last resort.
Posted by hoffse[/QUOTE]

Sorry, I was just trying to let you know there are others out there that are dealing with this same dilemma. I like the idea from the PP where they reversed the dinner and ceremony. Do that. I don't have that option since it's outdoors, and I don't feel like tripping through the dark. Also, I don't plan on having anyone who doesn't need to be there. Sorry you are dealing with this too...

hoffse · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinner-problem-please-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0261011a-2ffd-41c8-b57f-55d7db5f3b9fPost:dcbc047a-2b69-4ebd-92c4-dfc84d89e202">Re: Rehearsal dinner problem - please help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rehearsal dinner problem - please help : Sorry, I was just trying to let you know there are others out there that are dealing with this same dilemma. I like the idea from the PP where they reversed the dinner and ceremony. Do that. I don't have that option since it's outdoors, and I don't feel like tripping through the dark. Also, I don't plan on having anyone who doesn't need to be there. Sorry you are dealing with this too...
Posted by lwoehlk[/QUOTE]

<div>Thanks! I appreciate the solidarity - it's frustrating, but I feel like there are definitely some solid options. I had never thought about reversing them - that's why I come to these boards!</div>

JaxInBlue · May 2012

I think that reversing the order - big dinner, then rehearsal - might be be your best option if you really need to use your venue and your officiant. (Just do your best to start 8:15-8:30ish and keep things as concise as possible.)

If you want more traditional timing, I think PPs have good suggestions about a different venue or earlier time. I under the Catholic wedding with non-Catholic participants might need a little more explaining, but I'd also talk to your officiant about how much people will need beyond the program. Your party might be able to get by with the program cheat sheet and a shorter rehearsal elsewhere.

LDubHawksFan · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinner-problem-please-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0261011a-2ffd-41c8-b57f-55d7db5f3b9fPost:b8458c4b-a34b-48c9-b7c3-d60808d4ff50">Re: Rehearsal dinner problem - please help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rehearsal dinner problem - please help : Thanks! I appreciate the solidarity - it's frustrating, but I feel like there are definitely some solid options. I had never thought about reversing them - that's why I come to these boards!
Posted by hoffse[/QUOTE]

I know...who would have thought that the rehearsal would cause so much heartburn?! ha, I guess this will become more prevalent as the wedding industry makes Friday weddings a more cost effective option.
I never would have thought of reversing them either. Honestly, I don't think our ceremony will be too intricate, so I wouldn't be surprised if some of our local party members don't make it there, but all of my side are coming from IA and will be hanging out around there Friday. Yours sounds like your WP should be there. I think there was a message above, but will your priest be available at either of those times? For us, having it the same day, even if it means early, is more considerate to ours guests than them feeling like they need to take off an extra day. Again, good luck!

kellyeliz · May 2012

I am in a wedding this weekend. Our Rehearsal is at 2:30 and the dinner isn't until 6:30. We are going to check into the hotel in between and of course we are going to have some appetizers and drinks before all of the oot guests arrive for the actual rehearsal dinner.

hoffse · May 2012

Thanks, luckilly the priest who has gone completely AWOL is NOT the one marrying us - we're having a guy from Atlanta drive in because he was one of FI's teachers while FI was in school. So we'll have the officiant all to ourselves, which should help make things work out if we need to use a different venue. I'm really liking the reversing idea, though, if that's what we need to do - I'll talk it over with FI when he gets home.

MJandDL · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinner-problem-please-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0261011a-2ffd-41c8-b57f-55d7db5f3b9fPost:281bc5bf-b6c4-4059-87e2-d271ef8187cc">Re: Rehearsal dinner problem - please help</a>:
[QUOTE]What one of my friends did when her church was booked for her preferred rehearsal time--she reversed them. Had the dinner at 6, rehearsal at 8. Try to find out for sure when this other bride needs to church. It sounds like the latest she needs it is 8. To me, reversing it was fine. It's still about a 3 hour affair either way with rehearsal + dinner; you're just changing the order of things.
Posted by Summer2011Bride[/QUOTE]

I thought I was going to be the genius that came up with this solution! I think this might work best in your situation. Unless you want to do everything earlier. Though when I was a bridesmaid I wouldn't have minded having a gap between the rehearsal and dinner, I usually spent that whole day doing wedding things anyway.

LDubHawksFan · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinner-problem-please-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0261011a-2ffd-41c8-b57f-55d7db5f3b9fPost:abe1b75f-5566-41b3-a4fc-0c0de445754e">Re: Rehearsal dinner problem - please help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rehearsal dinner problem - please help : I thought I was going to be the genius that came up with this solution! I think this might work best in your situation. Unless you want to do everything earlier. Though when I was a bridesmaid I wouldn't have minded having a gap between the rehearsal and dinner, I usually spent that whole day doing wedding things anyway.
Posted by MJandDL[/QUOTE]

Good point.....my backup plan will cut in to mani/pedi time! ;)

emwalsh1 · May 2012

Just one more quick thought, even though you have gotten some great responses! I am Catholic too, having a full Mass wedding, and I have been in about 5 Catholic weddings that were also full Masses, so I totally know what you are talking about.

However, truthfully, all the bridesmaids really get out of the rehearsal is how to walk in and where to stand and sit, and as long as other bridesmaids are leading the way, the others will be fine. Yes, the sitting/ kneeling/ standing in a Catholic Mass can be confusing to a non-Catholic, but really, the rehearsal is not typically a Mass "practice" and again, the girls are probably going to end up taking their cues from other people around them, which is completely fine!

Anyways, just wanted to give you another perspective so that you will not stress too much in case it turns out that some of the bridesmaids cannot make it! Good luck!

cpblanco · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinner-problem-please-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0261011a-2ffd-41c8-b57f-55d7db5f3b9fPost:5993d8cb-2331-4b5d-b1f1-368df3741512">Re: Rehearsal dinner problem - please help</a>:
[QUOTE]Just one more quick thought, even though you have gotten some great responses! I am Catholic too, having a full Mass wedding, and I have been in about 5 Catholic weddings that were also full Masses, so I totally know what you are talking about. However, truthfully, all the bridesmaids really get out of the rehearsal is how to walk in and where to stand and sit, and as long as other bridesmaids are leading the way, the others will be fine. <strong>Yes, the sitting/ kneeling/ standing in a Catholic Mass can be confusing to a non-Catholic, but really, the rehearsal is not typically a Mass "practice" and again, the girls are probably going to end up taking their cues from other people around them, which is completely fine! </strong>Anyways, just wanted to give you another perspective so that you will not stress too much in case it turns out that some of the bridesmaids cannot make it! Good luck!
Posted by emwalsh1[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>This. You probably can't show, and explain, and learn, the pattern of sitting, standing, and kneeling in one hour. Plus, the rehearsal is likely going to exclude lots of other non-Catholic guests who will be equally unsure during the Mass. Like em said, people will know what to do by watching others or looking at the program.</div>

hoffse · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinner-problem-please-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0261011a-2ffd-41c8-b57f-55d7db5f3b9fPost:73480300-4901-4cde-9f4f-8c652611f9e6">Re: Rehearsal dinner problem - please help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rehearsal dinner problem - please help : This. You probably can't show, and explain, and learn, the pattern of sitting, standing, and kneeling in one hour. Plus, the rehearsal is likely going to exclude lots of other non-Catholic guests who will be equally unsure during the Mass. Like em said, people will know what to do by watching others or looking at the program.
Posted by cpblanco[/QUOTE]

<div>OK this is a good point. Do you ladies think that 30-45 min would be sufficient to rehearse? I was going to have a pretty detailed program, though not so detailed that I say "sit now" or "stand here." But people should definitely know where we are. I just don't know that the wedding party will be able to reference a copy of the program during mass, so I thought the rehearsal might need to be longer.</div><div>
</div><div>Update: I just got off the phone with the church - the priest is now telling us (through his secretary because he refuses to talk to us) that they won't schedule us for a rehearsal until 6 months out. But his secretary went ahead and scheduled us for 6:30 anyway - she said that the other wedding can get over it because they haven't set a time yet at all. I really don't know what's going on... </div>

emwalsh1 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rehearsal-dinner-problem-please-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0261011a-2ffd-41c8-b57f-55d7db5f3b9fPost:06be8539-d21c-4476-b970-4b40201584b4">Re: Rehearsal dinner problem - please help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rehearsal dinner problem - please help : OK this is a good point. Do you ladies think that 30-45 min would be sufficient to rehearse? I was going to have a pretty detailed program, though not so detailed that I say "sit now" or "stand here." But people should definitely know where we are. I just don't know that the wedding party will be able to reference a copy of the program during mass, so I thought the rehearsal might need to be longer. Posted by hoffse[/QUOTE]

Personally, I think that 30-45 minutes is enough time, but most of the rehearsals I have been to have run closer to an hour. I think it normally depends on the priest, actually. At least in the ones I have seen, the priest kind of runs the rehearsal, so the length sometimes depends on how detailed he is going to be or how many times he will want everyone to go through it.

I have a fairly detailed program also, and what I am planning to do is ask the ushers to make sure there are programs in the front pews for all of the bridesmaids and groomsmen. That way, they can all follow along if they would like to. Maybe you could do that? If the bridesmaids are concerned about not knowing what to do during the Mass, maybe you could even have a separate insert for them with the Order of the Mass? I think you could find that sort of thing online or through your Church. Just an idea!

krystin612 · June 2012

I think it is fine to have the rehearsal in the early afternoon and the dinner later that evening. i have even been in a few weddings that have been set up like that. Some of the people went home to change afterward as we were told to come very casual to the rehearsal itself since it wasnt immediately preceeding the dinner. Other people went to a bar for a few hours and mingled. Check out this website for some great rehearsal dinner etiquette tips.
http://www.celebrationideasonline.com/rehearsal-dinner-etiquette.html

Rehearsal dinner problem - please help

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