Indian Parents...... Don't approve

Liza18 · June 2012

Hi, I'm new to the message boards, I need some advise. I am Mexican-American and my SO is Indian. He was born in India to well educated so they are a bit more modern than traditional. We've been together for almost two years and we both know we want to get married and have kids. He brought his parents here last summer to meet me and give us their blessings. He travels for work so he's not home much, I took them out and played tourguide. I had just graduated undergrad and was pressured to find a good job because they would approve more if I did. I managed to land an amazing job before they left and they we're still unhappy because I didn't have a masters. Two days before they left his dad told him he did not approve of the marriage and to end the relationship. "It has nothing to do with her, she's a good girl. But she's not Indian and her mother and brother are divorced." This is what his dad said. So for the past year its been nothing but arguments from all sides. I tried to leave him once and he would not let me he refuses to give me up but he wants his parent's approval. His aunt and uncle met me and they approve, they think we're a good match. Apparently they think that if he marries an American it will end up in divorce, the children will know nothing of their culture, and i will never allow him to go to India. This is all untrue and they are passing judgement. I have learned how to cook Indian food, trying to learn Hindi, and I'm the one that drags him to temple. They will not listen to reason. The latest development is that they have been making matches for him and have been sending him Indian women to connect with. He went of on his dad and since then have stopped. But its just getting worse. I don't know what to do, they will never be happy no matter what i do. Please if anyone can provide insight i would love a fresh point of view.

minskat30 · June 2012

Hello and welcome. I'm also American (Danish ancestry) and my SO is Indian and I'm also from the Chicago area.

How old are the two of you? Sometimes parents in these situations can be moved, sometimes they cannot. You both may need to come to terms with that if this ends badly (in that his parents disown him) as much as that sucks. How close is he to his parents? Does he have any other siblings? How long has he been in the US on his own? Does your SO rely on his family for funds or anything? Does your SO sing your praises to his parents?

It sounds like you've done a lot to try and integrate into their family. It also sounds to me as if your SO needs to nip this in the bud, have a conversation (one) with his parents that he is an adult, he is with you, they will accept that and move on from the topic and if they bring it up again he will have to end the conversation (and then he has to do so). No wavering, no negotiating, no anger…just have the one conversation and if it comes up again (as painful as it may be) your SO must end the conversation in a calm but determined manner. Even if this “works” you may need to come to terms with the fact that his family may “accept” you but that isn't the same as welcoming you into the family warmly...that might come with time, however.

Have you traveled to India yet? If you go once, it may encourage them towards the realization that you will go again with kids, etc.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm lucky in that my SO's family welcomed me with open arms because they've never seen him so happy. That said, if they didn't accept me, he just wouldn't put up with it...period. Again, sorry you are going through this.

temurlang · June 2012

Hi! Sorry to hear about your situation... cross-cultural relationships can be extra-challenging, even though I think they make your life so much richer, too. I'm also American and married to an Indian. My first meeting with my ILs was very much like your's, including DH traveling for work and me driving them around and landing the job during their visit!

In addition to Minstat's questions, I have some more: What part of India is he from? I'm just wondering if they're from a particularly tight community/small place etc. Since he "brought" his parents here to visit, I'm wondering if he supports them or what his role is in the family?

DH has a friend in India who had a love marriage to a girl outside his community/religion and received a lot of family resistance from both sides (which has gone away over the years). He often says "a parent will disapprove of any girl their son brings home, even if she is the one they would have chosen for him, only because he is choosing and not them." I think this is one possible problem, and if so, it probably will improve with time.

My ILs just want to disapprove, so they will find something. Mine also had the thing about a Masters, and then when I got one they said it wasn't from a good enough school! A lot of times now I just say "oh yeah, I'm trying to learn Bengali, I'll have a baby next year, etc." just to end the conversation. MIL still brings up about the children not knowing their culture, but if it weren't that, I'm sure she'd find something else. When we visit DH's friends, my ILs have a lot of criticism for their wives as well.

I agree with Minstat about a lot of this being up to your BF. In general, DH handles my ILs very well, and has always presented things to them as "This is my decision, a done deal, and I am in charge of my life." It helps that he supports them, so he really does call the shots. The main issue is that your BF can be firm with his parents. If he can, I doubt they will disown him.

Liza18 · June 2012

Thank you both for responding so quickly.... here are some quick answers:

How old are the two of you? me 25 and he's 30, our Birthdays are a day apart
How close is he to his parents? He's closer to his mother than his father, he is very serious and stern
Does he have any other siblings? ONLY CHILD
How long has he been in the US on his own? He's lived here in the US for 5 years, he bought a house for us last year because we both knew what we wanted.
Does your SO rely on his family for funds or anything? No his famly is well off, dad is a lawyer and mom was a teacher
Does your SO sing your praises to his parents? Yes, he brags about my cooking and that i take care of him and the house and how respectful i am to his friends

SO is Punjabi, he was born in Bombay and grew up in New Delhi

Ultimately I feel stuck, he's an amazing man and we've built a life together. None of his other friends are married to non-indians, their marriages were all arranged. He's put off his trips to India because of work and his parents think that it's my fault that he hasn't been back in 3 years. I keep encouraging him to go but he doesn't want to. I don't understand because his mom kinda likes me and she know's I take care of him and she brought me gifts when she came and she wants him to be happy. I've tried writing them letters but that only makes them angry..... His grandfather has reservations about the marriage because the uncle lives here in NJ and he married an american but it ended in divorce but now he is married to an Indian and when the grandfather went to visit he said that he felt like the girl was unwelcoming and didn't make him feel at home and didn't know how to cook. He said that he didn't want that to happen to my SO's parents.

thekanthans · June 2012

I have seen this happen with Indian boys. They can be very close to their mothers and will not stop trying to please the parents and get their approval before they get married. I think the parents also sometimes have an inkling that they're putting a strain on the relationship and can really cause a lot of havoc if their kid is under their control. It's really upto your fiance. A lot of the times parents will create a big fuss before the wedding but eventually once its done, or is happening (a venue/date is fixed) they give in and things do improve with time. Some parents can be more dramatic and ego-istical and be seriously offended that the son is going against their wishes and worse, blame you for it. Your fiance will know them best and know what kind of a reaction they'll have and if he can handle it eventually. But you should think for yourself or talk to him about what'll happen if they end up giving him an ultimatum

One of my friends had this problem though she was Indian. She ended up breaking it off because she'd lost hope tht his parents would ever approve and he'd ever go against their wishes.

I think discussion and resolution of worse case scenario is necessary with your fiance.

minskat30 · June 2012

Liza- You said his family was well off and do not rely on your SO but do his parents give any money to your boyfriend? If they do, they might think they have more "control" and he might have concerns with standing up to them.

I think your SO needs to have (if he is comfortable having) the serious kind of conversation with his parents I mentioned above but, like thekanthans said, you have to be aware of the consequences. Maybe if your SO started the conversation as more of a "We want to come to India and spend time with you but the issue you seem to have with my relationship with "Lizz" is something we have to resolve first" and then launch into the conversation. That is if you guys can afford such a trip, of course. If you can, it may go a long way in improving the relationship with his parents.

temurlang · June 2012

It doesn't sound as bad to me as it looks to you right now. I can relate to soooo much of your story. I was also confused at first by the fact that MIL seemed to like me yet would say hurtful things or bring up that I'm not Indian.

There was also the issue of DH not returning to India for several years (because of work, visa issues, etc.). He didn't want to take me before marriage because he felt we would be pushed into getting married and he wanted to do it "properly" (on our terms, with my family, etc.).

I think they do like you. I think the relationship they expect with their DIL is one with tension and disapproval. If your BF had an arranged marriage no doubt they would complain about that girl's cooking and family too. My ILs are exactly like that. I know they actually like me because MIL brags about me to other people (now, not before marriage), and has actually told DH that her bahu is better than any of her friends' in India! But she still criticizes my cooking and dress and nags me about not speaking Bengali.

Also, my ILs changed a lot after our marriage. It was almost like they thought they should object to the GF but not the wife.

My advise on what you can do is this:

1. Evaluate your relationship with your BF. To me it sounds like he is serious about being with you and does not intend to marry an Indian girl to please his parents. Just make sure you 100% know this is true.

2. Evaluate if you are okay with the IL relationship I described. It's mostly not that bad. They live in India, so they're not around every weekend.

2. Don't try so hard to make them like you. You seem very nice and well-accomplished. It's unnecessary to do more and you will only feel disappointed if they don't respond well.

3. Stay out of the yelling matches. DH has yelling calls all the time with FIL. I take that opportunity to cook dinner, shower, make a phone call, or whatever gets me out of the room. If it stresses you, maybe you should ask your BF not to relate the details of his conversations.

BTW, what his GF said is BS. Maybe the Uncle's wife was unwelcoming and a bad cook. So? Some of DH's friends' wives are like that and they're all from India and had arranged marriages.

jsleik · June 2012

Hi Liza,

It will be OK! I think all the advice above it good advice. Once you and your SO know you're on the same page, a lot of this has to come from him. A trip to India might make things better.

I was lucky with my husband. His parents came over for our wedding here for our first meeting. It went really well and then we went to India a few months later for our wedding there. Not until we were done with the wedding did my husband tell me that he wasn't entirely sure how his extended family would accept his American wife. He thought they'd be polite and nice, but he was pleasantly surprised at how excited they all were. At the end of the day, everyone wanted him to be happy. They saw I was a nice girl and my parents came with so they could see I came from good parents. Maybe they need to meet your parents. I know they are divorced, but at least one of them coming might be a good thing. Ask your SO first though!

I agree that since your SO is independant and can stand up to his parents, he does need to present it as a done deal. In other issues with my in-laws, my husband does that. He knows he might get a little grumbling, but if he explains he is informing them of what is done and not asking for permission, it does make things easier. I think if they know you gusy are a done deal and then you come to India and show them that you are interested in India, interested in raising your children in their Punjabi heritage, going to temple, etc, it will make it easier.

Also, be careful what you wish for - once they accept you, get ready for the baby pressure!! :-) I'm still trying to convince my MIL that trying to concieve does not equal a baby immediately. :-)

Good luck and come back here! We're here to support you!

Indian Parents...... Don't approve

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