Planning My Second Wedding...

Re: Planning My Second Wedding...

• right1thistime member

  

  December 2012 edited December 2012

  From the Just engaged board:
  
  Well I still look at us as boyfriend and girlfriend even though were are engaged and me I wanna wait but my fiancee wants us to start our life. I wanted to get married again in 4 years, time for us to learn everything about one another and be serious. He wants me to go to the courthouse next week, file for divorce, than one week after it is finalized get remarried by a JP to him and than plan our big wedding. Sometimes I wonder if I am making the best decision at this moment but I do love him and plan on staying by his side forever. I do have some issues being alone but I lost my mother at a young age and than my dad basically ignored me for a few years even though we lived together. I always felt alone and when I'm happy I wanna stay happy and never lose it.
  
  Well the problem is, most my family hates him and I don't know what to do. I'm afraid I'm gonna plan a big beautiful wedding and not many people will show up, also stinks because his family is down South. What could I do to get my family to except my relationship more and atleast be there for me instead of turning there backs because I'm doing what makes me happy. Advice would gladly be appreciated..
  
  Well my fiancee has a "bad" record and most my family disowned him from the start. Some won't even listen to anything I have to say because they will not give him a chance at all. Me and him have had our issues too but when I left him, he seen how he treated me and he has become an amazing man that I wouldn't trade for anyone. My fiancee used to be controlling and my family feels that I'm sticking up for him now and still being controlled but I'm not. He's sweeter, more caring, loving, were even moving into our own apartment on the first. I'm so excited, I really do love this man. MY biggest problem is for some reason even though I've been married before I never even loved my ex husband as much as I do my fiancee. I am getting into counseling and I plan on getting into counseling with him too. With my ex husband we got engaged and about 6 months later we just woke up one day and went to the JP without like anyone knowing and just got married. I wasn't happy though, I cried like all day because so many people were dissapointed in me. What if I do this again?? Ughh I am so confused with so much but one thing I am for sure about is that I do wanna marry my fiancee and spend the rest my life with him. More feedback would be appreciated..
  
  MUD

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• Marrin713 member

  

  December 2012

  Thought it sounded familiar.  In case it's not:  OP, this one is bad for you too.  Spend time on your own.

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• xxCortniexx member

  

  December 2012

  What does it mean it is mud? 

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• crumbcake82 member

  

  December 2012

  First off, getting over a divorce takes time and work.  Getting over a divorce from an abusive husband takes even more.  It's not just getting over what he did to you, but learning about how this has changed you as a person.  Getting engaged so soon, especially with someone that you have already identified as controlling, whom your family and friends already dislike, sounds like you're rushing into another disaster.  Take a deep breathe, and try to be yourself for a change.  If you have trouble being alone then you already know that fear is pushing you into another relationship.  I'm not saying don't marry him, just give him time to show who he truly is.  Anyone can be wonderful for the first year.  Plenty of abusive men prey on women who are already victims.  Just give yourself the opportunity to learn who you are outside of a relationship, and learn who he is as well.  And you're only 21!  You have plenty of time to find your love and start a family!

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• handfast4me member

  

  December 2012

  Good one Cortnie; feign ignorance.  But just in the off chance you really don't know what it means, it stands for Made Up Drama, or Made Up Dirt.  The brain doesn't mature until it's 25.  Wait until then to move in with ANYONE, or get engaged, and then get married a year or two later.   In the meantime, get your own apartment, get a job and an education. 

  Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

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• xxCortniexx member

  

  December 2012

  Umm ovb I didn't know it what in ment or I wouldn't have been stupid and asked. I am ONLY 21 after all and I don't know EVERYTHING. But yes I do agree and I want to thank everyone who helped me see my future in a new light and what I really don't know want. Merry Christmas all<div>
  </div><div>
  </div><div>In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_planning-my-second-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:a4ca8942-80a2-485d-8887-ea9a3b4056edPost:2489291f-1233-4b54-9f72-9122f4b3ae4e">Re: Planning My Second Wedding...</a>:
  [QUOTE]Good one Cortnie; feign ignorance.  But just in the off chance you really don't know what it means, it stands for Made Up Drama, or Made Up Dirt.  The brain doesn't mature until it's 25.  Wait until then to move in with ANYONE, or get engaged, and then get married a year or two later.   In the meantime, get your own apartment, get a job and an education. 
  Posted by handfast4me[/QUOTE]
  
  </div>

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• right1thistime member

  

  December 2012

  Casey BJ, Jones RM, Hare TA. The Adolescent Brain. Ann NY Acad Sci 1124: 111-126. 2008

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• handfast4me member

  

  December 2012

  Thanks Donna.  I couldn't find that citation; I had another, but it's on my work computer. 

  Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

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• right1thistime member

  

  December 2012

  No one's attacking Cortnie.  Suppose for a minute this is all true, not made up. 
  She's 21. 
  She's not divorced from her first abusive husband
  She's involved with a man who is displaying controlling, abusive traits.
  He also has a "record" as in, previous arrests & presumably convictions.
  She grew up without a mother & with a distant father. 
  She's posted 4 threads, all asking for feedback, all with different facets of the story. 
  She believes that this man's promises to not be controlling and to not be physical are good, and should be believed. 
  The people that know her, and presumably know him all think this is a bad idea. 
  '
  What part of this indicates to anyone a mature, well thought out wise decision making process?

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• mcda04 member

  

  December 2012

  *SIGH* Cortnie, you have MUCH bigger issues than wedding planning.
  
  First and foremost, you should finalize your divorce BEFORE proceeding with your current relationship.
  
  Your BF / Fiancee is also no good, listen to your loved ones, somebody with those types of issues doesn't change overnight.
  
  Don't move in with him, you've said yourself that you grew up with no real parental figures and this is what is causing you to seek love from these types of people. Find help for YOURSELF. You sound like you need to mature and find yourself. Don't be dependant on anybody for love and support you lacked in your childhood. It's not healthy.
  
  

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• handfast4me member

  

  December 2012

  "Which is her professional OPINION.  Doesn't make it true.  Anybody can write a book." 
  
  posted by Retread
  
  Retread, that citation is not  from a book, but from a scientific journal, as are all the citations that I have supporting that science.  Most scientific journals are peer-reviewed.  That means that other scientists review the data, and then decide if it stands up to critical thinking and criticism.  Once someone does the science, it usually takes 6 months to a year to get articles cleared.  Then another ear or two to get it published.    It has taken me, on average, 26 months from writing a first draft to be published in peer reviewed journals. 
  
  And again, we all want this young lady to SLOW the F down.  We're trying to save her life here, literally.  We've all read the other responses on the other boards, and she does say she's going to DTMFA.  But it wasn't until people really pulled aside the curtains that she was able to see the man that was running Oz. 
  

  Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

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• Lisa50 member

  

  December 2012

  21, still married and planning another wedding already?  Train wreck. 
  
  For the love of Pete, there is absolutely NO REASON in the world a 21 year old who has traveled your path to consider another marriage at this time.  Go to school.  Meet new people; take time getting to know them.  Earn some money.  Read some books. Save some money.  Find a roommate.  Learn something new.  Once your divorce is finalized, start dating -- slowly.  Live life as a single woman for a few years before you even think about marriage again.
  
  Signed,
  
  Mother of a 19 year old.

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• MikesAngie member

  

  December 2012

  I second what Lisa said whole heartedly!!  

  
  

  You need to learn about you, love yourself and then begin to date slowly. You have more time than you know to grow and develop become the woman you want first.  Once you truly know who you are then you will be ready to move and live in a permanent relationship. 

  
  

  Stop, breathe and grow into the woman you want - not with a man or how a man wants you to be... You need to please you and make yourself happy!

  
  

  Signed,

  
  

  Mother of a 19 year old girl.

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• ilianashible

  

  December 2012

  Cortnie,

  
  

  I got married at the tender age of 24. Just like you, my dad abandoned us and my mom had to work 2 jobs to put food on the table. She was the kind of woman that taught me that weddings were stupid, that a woman is strong enough to do it all and that most men were pigs. Little did she know I grew up wishing that one day, I could meet my better half and get married in a beautiful ceremony.

  
  

  I never dated in high school or college. Growing up poor, there was barely any money. My clothes were from thrift stores. I had no sense of style or confidence. Then, after graduating from college,  I met my ex-husband.

  
  

  He was tall, dark and handsome. Romantic, caring, willing to do anything to make me happy. For the first time in my life, I had a man who really wanted to be by my side. 18 months later, we eloped. I was born and raised in Latin America. I gave up everything (includying a good paying job) to follow him to the US. My joy lasted less than a year.

  
  

  He slowly became controlling, jealous and possesive. I had little knowledge of how to deal with a relationship since I never had one. I thought it was just a phase and then he started brainwashing me with the idea that I was the one to blame. I endured this for a long time. When I finally had enough and announced I wanted a divorce, he would say: "Go ahead-leave. You have nothing without me. No family, no resources, nothing. Who is going to help you? You only have me". 

  
  

  My fear made me stay and I worked to try to build financial stability. Then, I found out I was pregnant. Long story made short: I lived my personal hell for 7 years. By the time I was employed with good pay a benefits, I started seeing a therapist. I finally gained the strength to leave him and file for divorce. Never been happier. Now I am engaged to a wonderful man and we plan to get married in 2014. 

  
  

  Now in perspective, I realize I made some crucial mistakes:

  • I was expecting someone else to fulfill me and give me what life, parents and others "failed" to give me
  • I felt that my ex was MY ONLY chance at love
  • I failed to recognize that healthy, balanced men do not fall for women who are insecure, needy or desperate. Those who do, are men who have very little self-esteem and like to control and belittle others. 
  • Just because this one is better than the other men I have been with, does not mean the is the ONE
  • I felt I was "old" because at 24, most of my friends were already married and I wasn't.  

  
  

  You need time to work on yourself. File for divorce, have fun, do what any other 21-year-olds do. Once you feel happy and content with who you are, the right man will come along. 

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• right1thistime member

  

  December 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_planning-my-second-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:a4ca8942-80a2-485d-8887-ea9a3b4056edPost:33770e78-be10-4a23-aa9f-e2573617de10">Re: Planning My Second Wedding...</a>:
  [QUOTE]<a href="http://inamerica.blogs.cnn.com/2012/12/27/being-transgender-no-longer-a-mental-disorder-in-diagnostic-manual/?hpt=us_c2" rel="nofollow">http://inamerica.blogs.cnn.com/2012/12/27/being-transgender-no-longer-a-mental-disorder-in-diagnostic-manual/?hpt=us_c2</a> Handfast, here's the story for you.  Note that homosexuality was considered a psychiatric disorder until 1973.  Gender "disorder" is only being removed this year. This is an industry-accepted reference.  Medically cited. THE profession's manual. As we are now fond of saying - don't assume it's true just because you read it on the internet. Don't assume someone is right just because they cited sources and got a panel of peers to agree.  Weigh the facts, do your own research, and decide. Never let someone else think for you.
  Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]
  
  Retread, you are absolutely right that the DSM has shown a slow evolution as a reference. The next version is radically changing the definition of autism, and has the autism support community twisted up, in a number of different ways.  Active practitioners know that the DSM evolves slowly, and that while reimbursement if often tied to categorization in that reference, treatment is not tied to it. 
  However,  the science of brain maturation is not related to the DSM.  Scientific publication tends to reflect the most recent, and vetted, research.  The topic has exploded as functional MRI capacity has been refined.  I don't pretend to be a neurobiologist/ neuropsychiatrist, but I think this research is more than an <em>opinion.</em>  It is a conclusion, based on the available data, by  a panel of expert researchers.  On the other hand, unless you qualify as one of those expert researchers, your commentary is, in fact, merely opinion.  To which you are most certainly entitled.  I think there's a difference however, and one that is important to point out. 
  
  And frankly, just because some research is bunk, doesn't logically prove that <u>all </u>research is bunk.  As a science brained person, I read research critically, and accept that some concepts will be subsequently disproven.  That will be a relatively small percentage of the research published each month.  And I also recognize that we move forward in treatment on the basis of research all the time.  People clamor to join clinical trials based on mere hypotheses, particularly when the proven therapies are not working.  
  
  ~Donna

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• handfast4me member

  

  December 2012

  I never kept my child a child until 25, she's 26, married, and has a child of her own.  Basically, I educated her to make her own decisions. She moved out one day before her 18th birthday, to go to college, for which she earned an academic scholarship, which she was able to keep until the last semester, when a little math class got in her way.  :-P:    That is the point of good parenting.  The parent helps the child make good decisions, and basically works themself out of a good job.  I realize that you have not had the pleasure and pain of being a parent, and for that, I am truly sorry.  It's one of the best,but definitely the hardest job I've ever had.  I wanted more children, but it wasn't in the cards for me. 
  
  And now to the other polint.  I realize that you are a "published" author. But again, scientific writing is an entirely different thing.  One does not just ask a peer to review, the publication assigns peers (the authors have no say) to review, hoping to punch holes in the science and writing.  It's a really hard process, and the first author has to "defend" and answer each question, and revise the manuscript to answer those questions.  There can be dozens of them, hence it takes a couple of years to publish.l 

  Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

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• xxCortniexx member

  

  January 2013

  I am SORRY for the people that DON'T wanna believe but EVERYTHING I have said is honest and from the heart, WHAT REASON do I have to come on a site and lie. NONE. I came on here for advice, feedback, HONESTY and I got it. I thank everyone that has helped me and made me realize I was in the wrong and shouldn't get married. I'M NOT NOW, I fell into a trap AGAIN and was being mentally abused AGAIN. I didn't know I was doing something wrong once again, I just wanna be happy, loved and cared for. I want a family, with children and a great marriage. Once again I am sorry if I 'OFFENDED' anyone, was never my intention. JUST HELP WAS... I'll leave the site and never ask for it again, but thank yu's for the one's who helped. 

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