Soooo many issues

macylynn · February 2012

Let's see....where to begin....

My mom wants to wear cream TO MY WEDDING. I was talking to her about mob dresses and that I'd like for her to wear a different shade of the color I pick for the bridesmaids. I was going to pick purple, but when I found that the majority of people in the wedding party wanted to wear blue, I decided not to fight it. They are going to be the ones wearing it after-all and I want people to be comfortable.

I was telling my mom that I wanted it to be this color and that I'm flexible within this color family and she instead focused on the darkest color and said it was a winter color (the wedding is in August) and then proceeded to tell me that I can't tell her what to wear and that she's going to wear cream.

Am I out of line for wanting her to wear something from a a specific color family? I thought I was being pretty damn flexible. I want this to be fun, and she's making it more stressful than it needs to be.

The other stuff are things like, "Really you want that? That looks like something from that show Portlandia (we live in Portland)." or Making a suggestion, me following it because I think it's a good idea, and then her freaking out about me doing it and saying it's a mistake.

I've dealt with her like this a lot, so I know it shouldn't be a huge shock, but I hoped that she woukd cool it for a bit. I'm not looking for advice necessarily on here, but I needed to vent and would like some validation if possible so I know I'm not totally losing my mind.

Maggie0829 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_soooo-many-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:0266af12-60da-4d2e-9f44-5e085a89c00fPost:07d5d112-982e-47c5-9fbc-9e4bd8554780">Soooo many issues</a>:
[QUOTE]Let's see....where to begin.... My mom wants to wear cream TO MY WEDDING. I was talking to her about mob dresses and that I'd like for her to wear a different shade of the color I pick for the bridesmaids. I was going to pick purple, but when I found that the majority of people in the wedding party wanted to wear blue, I decided not to fight it. They are going to be the ones wearing it after-all and I want people to be comfortable. I was telling my mom that I wanted it to be this color and that I'm flexible within this color family and she instead focused on the darkest color and said it was a winter color (the wedding is in August) and <strong>then proceeded to tell me that I can't tell her what to wear and that she's going to wear cream.</strong> Am I out of line for wanting her to wear something from a a specific color family? I thought I was being pretty damn flexible. I want this to be fun, and she's making it more stressful than it needs to be. The other stuff are things like, "Really you want that? That looks like something from that show Portlandia (we live in Portland)." or Making a suggestion, me following it because I think it's a good idea, and then her freaking out about me doing it and saying it's a mistake. I've dealt with her like this a lot, so I know it shouldn't be a huge shock, but I hoped that she woukd cool it for a bit. I'm not looking for advice necessarily on here, but I needed to vent and <strong>would like some validation if possible so I know I'm not totally losing my mind</strong>.
Posted by macylynn[/QUOTE]

Your mother can weather whatever she wants since she is not part of the wedding party. I agree that her wearing cream is not the best color to pick, but she is an adult and you do not have any say in what she wears.

As far as her commenting on everything...easy fix would be to stop sharing your idea or wedding plans with her. If she doesn't know what you are doing then she can't comment. If she does comment on anything simply say "Thanks, I will take that into consideration" and then move on. You knew how she was before so don't expect her to change just because you are planning a wedding.

You can vent all you want because sometimes that is just needed, but don't expect 100% validation to your post.

jerseylisa · February 2012

You are not losing your mind and you are not being unreasonable. First of all, it's totally inappropriate for your Mom to wear cream to any wedding, especially yours as MOB. My sister's MIL did and I was offended for her - it struck me as sad too, like she wanted to be the bride/center of attention (she bought the dress at a bridal salon so, umm, yeah). It seems to me your Mom is more interested in this wedding being about her and her preferences than you and your FI. As for colors, you're not being demanding, you're being as flexible as possible, but, unfortunately, people will push if they think you'll give in - so stand your ground on this! No cream!

vsgal · February 2012

If you really want people to be comfortable and you are trying to be flexible, then let her wear what she wants. No one will think she is a bride. You will stand out. She is an adult. She can dress herself. The only people that you can dictate colors/styles to is the wedding party. You let them wear the color they wanted to instead of what you wanted. Why is your MIL any different. I know it is cream, but cream is a neutral color, like tan or black or white. I had one person wear white to my wedding and one wore cream. Still was married at the end of the day. No one went up to them and gave them congrats.

Is this a hill you want to die on with you MIL? Is the family connection worth a dress?

mbody · February 2012

Unfortunately, you don't get to dictate what your mother wears. Is cream the best color selection? Probably not. But honestly, it won't be the end of the world if she chooses to wear cream. If anyone side-eyes her decision, it will be on her. Not you. Everyone will know you are the bride. Promise.

As far as everything else goes, just stop sharing your wedding details with her. Or say thank you for the suggestion and let her know that you've already chosen ZYZ for your floral arrangement.. or whatever.

macylynn · February 2012

It's my mom, not mother in law

Maggie0829 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_soooo-many-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:0266af12-60da-4d2e-9f44-5e085a89c00fPost:59002f4f-1f91-4a42-8ebe-28bca9075855">Re: Soooo many issues</a>:
[QUOTE]You are not losing your mind and you are not being unreasonable. First of all, it's totally inappropriate for your Mom to wear cream to any wedding, especially yours as MOB. My sister's MIL did and I was offended for her - it struck me as sad too, like she wanted to be the bride/center of attention (<strong>she bought the dress at a bridal salon so, umm, yeah</strong>). It seems to me your Mom is more interested in this wedding being about her and her preferences than you and your FI. As for colors, you're not being demanding, you're being as flexible as possible, but, unfortunately, people will push if they think you'll give in - so stand your ground on this! No cream! :)
Posted by jerseylisa[/QUOTE]

This advice is horrible, please do not listen to it.

My Mom bought her dress from a bridal salon...so does that mean she was trying to be center of attention at my wedding...NO...it just so happens that she loved Lazaro dresses and wanted to purchase one...in fact I loved her dress and not once did I feel that she was trying to out shine me!!

Finally, the MOB/FOG/FMIL/FFIL are not part of the wedding party so they can wear whatever they like in whatevery color they like...they are adults, you do not dictate what they wear because it is rude!

LoveMuffins · February 2012

Your Mom can wear whatever she want, like every other adult that's not part of the wedding party. The wedding party has signed up to wear the dress / colors you pick out. Your mom has not. If you were trying to force me into a color I didn't want to wear I'd probably find the most inappropriate color I could think of and threaten to wear it too. You're being way out of line.

However, the validation that you're looking for definitely comes with her other comments. That sounds incredibly frustrating and the best way to deal with it is probably not to share so many wedding planning details with her. Or just remind her that certain things were her idea when she decides she doesn't like them. Or even just having a come to Jesus moment and telling her "Well I like it and I think it looks great and I don't care if it looks like something from Portlandia, I love it and I'd appreciate it if you stopped with the negativity."

zitiqueen · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_soooo-many-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:0266af12-60da-4d2e-9f44-5e085a89c00fPost:59002f4f-1f91-4a42-8ebe-28bca9075855">Re: Soooo many issues</a>:
[QUOTE]You are not losing your mind and you are not being unreasonable. First of all, it's totally inappropriate for your Mom to wear cream to any wedding, especially yours as MOB. My sister's MIL did and I was offended for her - it struck me as sad too, like she wanted to be the bride/center of attention (she bought the dress at a bridal salon so, umm, yeah). It seems to me your Mom is more interested in this wedding being about her and her preferences than you and your FI. As for colors, you're not being demanding, you're being as flexible as possible, but, unfortunately, people will push if they think you'll give in - <strong>so stand your ground on this!</strong> No cream! :)
Posted by jerseylisa[/QUOTE]

No. Don't stand your ground on this. Ignore everything she said.

OliveOilsMom · February 2012

My mom is wearing champagne, it's not a big deal unless you want to make it one. If your mom feels beautiful in the dress she picks, isn't that what matters? You will be the center of attention that day.

tldh · February 2012

Unless your mom adds a veil to her dress, why do you care this much? It's a dress and she loves it. She's been dressing herself since before you were born and is more than capable and qualified to dress herself for your wedding.

StephBeanWed61502 · February 2012

Even if she wears a full-on wedding dress with veil, is anyone, even for a second, going to confuse her for the bride? Of course not. They're just going to think she's weird and sad. So yes, it's annoying that your mom wants to wear cream, but you pretty much have to just let it go. (Also, your mom seems to like the drama - did it ever occur to you that if she gets no reaction, she might stop being such a brat? I figure if it works on dogs and two-year-olds, it'll probably work on grown women too.)

macylynn · February 2012

She doesn't even have a dress picked out. I guess i just wanted it to look similar. I didn't tell her what to wear, I just said it would be nice if she would wear whatever color but it the same color family. there are gazillion different shades of blue for example. I never said she had to wear a specific thing I just wanted to coordinate. Is that so wrong? She's the only one being this way, everybody else in on board.

tldh · February 2012

You are still telling her what color to wear even if there are several shades to choose from. Maybe she likes the way she looks in cream. She's not part of the WP and does not have to coordinate with anyone.

em01092 · February 2012

When my FMIL and grandma asked my opinion on attire, all I asked was that they did not wear white or cream (FMIL is now wearing black to apparently express her disapproval of the marriage-whatever.)

It does not matter what they wear. They will be in like 4 pictures with the WP, so there is no need for them to coordinate or go together in any way, unless they simply choose to do so.

And yeah, I'd be ticked if she got a cream dress, but maybe she can get a shawl or sash in a color to make it less white-ish? Still, at the end of the day (as PP said), your mom will be the one to look silly, not you.

jmconley08 · February 2012

She should not be wearing cream! but I also don't think you get to pick what specific color family she wears either.

macylynn · February 2012

See, I've heard it both ways. I've heard that the parents are apart of the wedding party and that they aren't. I've looked at Emily Post, MOB links on here, etc. and they seem to back me up.

tldh · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_soooo-many-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:0266af12-60da-4d2e-9f44-5e085a89c00fPost:a7a98774-b7b0-48d5-a3a9-e70a4effb903">Re: Soooo many issues</a>:
[QUOTE]See, I've heard it both ways. I've heard that the parents are apart of the wedding party and that they aren't. I've looked at Emily Post, MOB links on here, etc. and they seem to back me up.
Posted by macylynn[/QUOTE]

Emily Post Inc. is not Emily Post. It is run by her descendants and the real lady would have a conniption fit at the things her offspring are saying are okay.

kmmssg · February 2012

Yeah, the real Emily Post is probably rolling in her grave. Her relatives totally miss the etiquette boat quite often.

OP - sorry, but you don't get to decide what color your mom wears. I'm a MOB and I do think cream is a poor choice but I also think you are too wrapped around the ax handle on this. No one will mistake her for the bride and you will be too busy to really care. Someone will probably be making snarky remarks about her color choice, but that isn't on you. She is baiting you - quit taking the bait!

I also have to agree that jerseylisa's advice is very poor. Brides don't get to STAND THEIR GROUND regarding what the moms wear - well unless they are bridezillas.

kmmssg · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_soooo-many-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:0266af12-60da-4d2e-9f44-5e085a89c00fPost:cdae9c4b-43fd-49c1-8572-ab44eec615fa">Re: Soooo many issues</a>:
[QUOTE]When my FMIL and grandma asked my opinion on attire, all I asked was that they did not wear white or cream (FMIL is now wearing black to apparently express her disapproval of the marriage-whatever.) It does not matter what they wear. They will be in like 4 pictures with the WP, so there is no need for them to coordinate or go together in any way, unless they simply choose to do so. And yeah, I'd be ticked if she got a cream dress, but maybe she can get a shawl or sash in a color to make it less white-ish? Still, at the end of the day (as PP said), your mom will be the one to look silly, not you.
Posted by em01092[/QUOTE]

Oh Em - what a wonderful opportunity to mention within her earshot (after she has chosen said mourning garb) that it is quite the hot trend for the moms to wear black to the wedding since it is so flattering and formal. I can be evil like that though.

FWIW - I wore black to 2 of my girls' weddings and looked pretty damm good.

kmmssg · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_soooo-many-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:0266af12-60da-4d2e-9f44-5e085a89c00fPost:59002f4f-1f91-4a42-8ebe-28bca9075855">Re: Soooo many issues</a>:
[QUOTE]You are not losing your mind and you are not being unreasonable. First of all, it's totally inappropriate for your Mom to wear cream to any wedding, especially yours as MOB. My sister's MIL did and I was offended for her - it struck me as sad too, like she wanted to be the bride/center of attention (she bought the dress at a bridal salon so, umm, yeah). It seems to me your Mom is more interested in this wedding being about her and her preferences than you and your FI. As for colors, you're not being demanding, you're being as flexible as possible, but, unfortunately, <strong>people will push if they think you'll give in - so stand your ground on this! No cream! :)
</strong>Posted by jerseylisa[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry, just can't let this one go. Where on Earth did you get the idea that brides have final say on what anyone besides the bridal party wear? I just can't get over the attitude of you thinking this is actually a choice the bride is entitled to make.

macylynn · February 2012

I never said I was entitled. The fact that you think I'm FORCING her to do anything is incorrect. A request is not a demand.

em01092 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_soooo-many-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:0266af12-60da-4d2e-9f44-5e085a89c00fPost:500a8b2a-351d-40e0-98bf-35ae48c41bd8">Re: Soooo many issues</a>:
[QUOTE]I never said I was entitled. The fact that you think I'm FORCING her to do anything is incorrect. A request is not a demand.
Posted by macylynn[/QUOTE]

<div>Requesting is fine, but if she has her heart set on this cream dress, she may not come around. If she goes out and buys the dress, then you're really kind of stuck. </div><div>
</div><div>I agree you have a right to be ticked, for sure, but all I'm saying is it's not going to be a bad judgment against you. Your mom will look silly. Maybe throw that in there. "Mom, I don't want people gossiping about you at the wedding, because it kind of is a faux pas for other women to wear white/cream to a wedding if they are not the bride. I love you and I would hate for anyone to get the wrong idea about you." </div>

em01092 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_soooo-many-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:0266af12-60da-4d2e-9f44-5e085a89c00fPost:806a5b47-b25b-47ff-92a3-37f39068037b">Re: Soooo many issues</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Soooo many issues : Oh Em - what a wonderful opportunity to mention within her earshot (after she has chosen said mourning garb) that it is quite the hot trend for the moms to wear black to the wedding since it is so flattering and formal. I can be evil like that though. FWIW - I wore black to 2 of my girls' weddings and looked pretty damm good.
Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

<div>Apparently she is stuck in 1952. I definitely thought about saying this, but I don't want to tell her that wearing black no longer has this connotation, because then she might feel the need to do something <em>else</em> to express her unhappiness about the wedding and who knows what that would be. Let's let her think she's sending a message, when really she isn't, at least to most people. *shrugs* =D</div>

MairePoppy · February 2012

em - is she wearing something like this?

MairePoppy · February 2012

macylynn - the MOB and MOG may choose any color or style of dress they like as long as it matches the formality of the wedding. They do not have to match or compliment each other, the wedding party or the decor. It is generally not considered acceptable for the moms to wear any shade of white, including cream. But there is nothing the bride can or should do about it if one the moms choose to break with tradition and common sense.

Is it possible that your mom is threatening to wear cream because you were being a little pushy with her about wearing blue?

saric83 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_soooo-many-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:0266af12-60da-4d2e-9f44-5e085a89c00fPost:3b667d76-1df4-4c09-a030-3952ab832bd2">Re: Soooo many issues</a>:
[QUOTE] Is it possible that your mom is threatening to wear cream because you were being a little pushy with her about wearing blue?
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

This is exactly what I thought when I first read the post! She's probably (and rightfully!) pissed that you're trying to dictate what she should wear.

I get that you gave her a range of shades within the color of blue, but what if she doesn't want to wear blue?? I personally think it looks like of silly when MOH/MOG intentionally coordinate with the BM dress colors. They're not a prop and don't need to match. :)

Please consider that this day isn't just about you and your FI. This may be the most fancy dress she'll be purchasing for a while, and perhaps she would like to get something that she feels good in and not just settle on something simply because it's within the color palette that you've requested. Stop with any color/shade requests for her outfits! Just let her pick her own clothing that she'll feel great it.

macylynn · February 2012

That may be but, I have to say, I iwsh someone could've heard the conversation between her and I. It went from, "I dunno, I just figured you'd wear something like everybody else." to "Mom, I never said you had to wear a specific color, I just thought you'd be wearing it. I'm not saying you have to wear a dark shade, or any shade, I just thought you were." to "Yes mom, I know its summer, I'm not going to make people wear dark colors." to "No mom, I don't want you to wear cream, I'd like to be the only person who does." to "No the entire bridal party isnt wearing cream just because it's summer and you think it would look nice." My mind was about to explode. Please do not get me wrong, I love my mother very much. It's just weird having a conversation with someone that starts out totally innocent and turns into complete chaos.

Soooo many issues

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