Deciding on whether to have a big ceremony or not

prodigalgirl · September 2010

Hi ladies. I'm fairly new to this board and not exactly "legal" here yet. I'm not engaged, but BF is shopping for the ring and plans to propose some time in the next few months. We'd like to be married before he deploys next summer (2011).

Recently, we were talking about getting married and I mentioned the idea of passing on the big ceremony and just doing a private wedding with just us and the necessary people (officiant, witnesses). I like that idea, but he's not sold on it yet. So, we decided that we'd both look into options and try to have a good idea of whether we want a big wedding with family & friends and a reception so that we can have that decided by the time we get engaged (given that we're planning to get married in less than a year already).

It's a second (and final) marriage for both of us and we both had the big wedding the first time around.

I STRONGLY believe that every marriage should be celebrated, but the idea of inviting our (very large) families and closest friends just stresses me out because they're HUGE and I'd much prefer just a very intimate ceremony between us.

I've thought about finding a sweet wedding chapel somewhere in the mountains where we plan to go for our honeymoon. We could invite just our parents or something like that.

Anyway, I was hoping to get some "second weddings" input. How did you decide what you wanted to do for the actual wedding? Is anyone here planning something extremely small and intimate? Did any of you disagree with your FI about the scale of wedding? How did you reach an agreement?

MikesAngie · September 2010

First, congratulations on being "almost" engaged! And welcome to the board. You will find the ladies on this board extremely helpful!

The wedding that my FI and I are planning is the largest either of us has had. This was not my first choice, but we talked about what he and I envisioned for the day and he had valid points and in no time I was leaning in his direction.

Our story is unique in that we dated when we were 15, broke up, and were best friends through my family move out of state, his joining the Army; until he proposed when we were 21. My circumstances prevented me from saying yes at that very moment. He was stationed in Germany when I attempted to contact him the Army didn't forward my letters or return them to me. There is a lot more to the story but the quickie version we were reunited in 2009 after 24.5 years and are getting married in 2011.

Our wedding and marriage are something we have wanted for a very long time and our families are excited to celebrate this union with us. So given that neither of us has had a large wedding and there were certain elements that were not to be negotiated as in he is going to wear a black tuxedo and I will be in a white gown that set the style, and then the guest list of those who have to be there set the size. Even the size our bridal party was pretty much determined before we were officially engaged.

My suggestion to you is listen with an open mind and heart to your FI he may surprise with his reasoning for having a larger wedding with you. I totally understand your position though because the ceremony is very personal and between you and him, but it's also the blending of families. You could have a small family only ceremony and a larger reception if your budget allows.

This is the time to have the wedding that both you and your FI are dreaming of, just make sure to set a budget and stick to it.

Marrin713 · September 2010

Congrats!

We did small and civil ceremony and basically made a long weekend out of all the festivities since we had out of town mothers coming in and others from out of state.

We were blessed by most of the them coming in on Thursday and early Friday morning and making it to the courthouse to witness the ceremony. We had about 20 people trailing after us when they called us for our turn in front of the judge.

After the ceremony we went to a beautiful local park/botanic garden for pics and then back to our house for a BBQ hosted by H and me. That was truly the best day. We had a small reception for 50 at a local golf club on Sunday evening. So we combined intimacy (the family and close friends on Friday) and the larger reception of famly, friends, and coworkers on Sunday. And it gave H and me Saturday to relax and be together. Worked for us.

Good luck!

right1thistime · September 2010

Hi - and welcome. I have a huge family, and we invited almost none of them. DH has a tiny family, and we invited just about every living relative. Our total guest count was 70. (My first weddin - my side alone was 125ish)

Before you get hung up on what kind of wedding to have (big or small) try to back out a bit more, and have a conversation about what feel you want, and who you really want there. Let go of the "must invites", they can be skipped right over. If you cannot imagine getting married without Aunt Sue, but her sister Aunt Barb makes you want to tear your eyeballs out- just write down Aunt Sue. If Joe from the bowling team introduced you, that doesn't mean you have to include the whole team. Once you have a list of who really would make your celebration complete, then work from there. It may only be a list of your parents. It may be 100 people.

Once you get to that level of agreement, then you can work on the obligatory invites. Obviously if you are inviting every single person in her family except Aunt Barb - you may want to grin & bear it and invite her. On the other hand, if Aunt Sue is the ONLY aunt you see regularly, she may be the only one who makes the grade. ~Donna

sof0830 · September 2010

Yes, i felt the same way. We wanted smaller and intimate. We invited about 70 people. Last time around, I had over 250 people. Not interested in that anylonger. I swear, I am closing in on my 40s and in some ways, i have changed tremendously...Go for what you two like! Enjoy your day and follow your hearts

Lisa50 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_deciding-whether-big-ceremony-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:2d7158d7-1730-4e4d-afa3-a63f1765161dPost:a22d0159-38a0-4899-b2dd-19e4fa653133">Re: Deciding on whether to have a big ceremony or not</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Go for what you two like! Enjoy your day and follow your hearts
</strong>Posted by sof0830[/QUOTE]

I agree, whole heartedly! Its really nice to just sit back and think about the people who would make it special for the two of you. Follow your hearts, indeed!

2dBride · September 2010

My first wedding would have been quite a bit smaller than it was (80 people) if it had been up to me. For my second wedding, I was not inviting my parents (long story!), so I didn't really feel that I could invite the entire extended family. Also, because we are a same-sex couple, we got married on a Tuesday in Massachusetts, even though we live near DC. (At the time, none of the local jurisdictions had same-sex marriage.)

We therefore compromised. The ceremony was immediate family and a few very close friends--a total of a dozen guests. We took everyone out to a nice restaurant after the ceremony. We then had an evening reception back in DC for about 60 guests.

I loved it! Since I'm Jewish, and weddings can't be on a Friday night or Saturday, most Jewish weddings (including my first one) are on a Sunday. And to enable people to get back home in time for work on Monday, they tend to be quite early in the day. I had therefore never had an evening reception with dancing and drinking before, and this one was fun. At the same time, I got the intimate wedding that I had wanted, but had not had, the first time.

I don't know that our solution would work for you. However, it could be one option to consider.

cakegirl.73 · September 2010

Our second wedding ( both mine and FI) is going to be very, very small..like 25 people. Close family and friends only- Neither one of us was interested in the big production thing. FI's Dad is a judge, so he is our officiant too!..Makes it easy for us to spend money on personal touches and less on a ton of guests.

melissamc2 · September 2010

Hello and welcome to the board!

My original idea had been to run off to Vegas. Not out of a lack for wanting to celebrate, but more because I thought he'd like low-key, fun, and hassle free. My finace, however, wanted the full wedding and reception with all the bells and whistles. This is my third marriage; his first. I immediately discarded my idea and went with his - no real debate or discussion about it. My first two weddings were both around 100 guests, full wedding attire and festivities, and were just very lovely events, so I wasn't trying to make up for anything I missed the first time(s) around, but this one has become a grand affair with people actually requesting invitations, our guest list sailingn right over the "anticipated" amount, and interest like we would have never imagined. It's even gotten a mention in the paper, of all things!

It's exactly what WE, as a couple, want, though. No one else is getting to call the shots and in the end we'll be able to look back and enjoying knowing that it was "us," which is the really important part.

I think your best bet is to really discuss what each of you wants out of a wedding, what you're budget is able to support, and who you really want there. That's a good starting point. Good luck!

handfast4me · September 2010

HI, haven't been on in a while, but thought I'd throw my .02 in, since you asked :-)
First, please thank your fiance for his service to the country.

I had a medium sized wedding the first time around, but this time, we had just the two of us, on a beach. No attendants, no guests. We didn't need witnesses, so we didn't have to grab anybody off the street, either, which we thought we were going to have to do.

Anyway, it was wonderfully romantic, and we were able to say things to one another that we would not have said, and have the ceremony that we wanted without a lot of onlookers. To me, the wedding ceremony is so intimate, that I often wonder how people do it with a bunch of onlookers. It just seems too awkward to me with lots of witnesses. Anyway, we also saved a ton of money, and are now putting that money towards our vacation/retirement house.

The one thing that I regret is that people think that if you don't have a big reception/throw-down party, that you're not "really married." That just drives me nuts. And you'll see a lot of women on this board who are planning a do-over for the second wedding or "vow renewal" even though they've only been married a year or two, because they missed their pretty pretty princess day the first time around. All that to say that if you think you'll regret not having the big thing, then go for it. But if you want it to be intimate and private, then don't listen to a lot of the people on TK.

nbragan · September 2010

I had a tiny (18 people) cheap wedding the first time - made my own dress, just had close family at a restaurant - struggled with trying to make my would-be spouse and my mother happy - and managed to make nobody happy! I had that small wedding under duress (would-be spouse wanted very very small) - and it really sucked (for me). Of course it will never be clear whether the angst with that wedding was actually about the choice of spouse rather than the size of the ceremony.

This time I wanna invite my friends and family to celebrate this wonderful day with me - and I'd rather be inclusive and but not fancy - it's funny, to me, choosing elaborate and fancy things for myself and a few guests is more "princess like" than is plain but plentiful! SO I am having that big party I always wanted to have - and a marriage to a wonderful man, a combined set of 5 great adult children, and an inexpensive meal (Southern bbq, sweet tea, beer and the fixins!) I cannot wait!

Do what your heart (and budget) tell you to do. For me, a big celebration with friends is what makes my heart sing. I've done "intimate" and it didn't work for me. good luck!

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