Just Engaged and Proposals

Having "the talk" with your parents

Did your fiance "ask permission" or meet with your parents to ask their blessing? How far in advance did he/she do this before proposing?
 
I'm just curious... my boyfriend and I have been talking marriage and he said he's really nervous to ask my parents, haha. :) We also want to use my late grandmother's diamond, so we're trying to figure out the timeline etiquette to ask for that. I thought he should ask for their blessing, then at a later date ask about the diamond.

Re: Having "the talk" with your parents

  • FI didn't ask my Dad, but both of my parents knew it was coming as did I. I think it is fine to still do it, but today since so many couple's are living together before marriage and pay for their own weddings, it doesn't happen as often as it used to.
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  • loop0406loop0406
    1000 Comments
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    edited June 2010

    My fiance talked to my parents after he gave me engagement ring to inform them of our decision and that his parents would be talking to them soon....it was more important to my father for fiance's parents to speak with them...


  • Not exactly traditional, but my FI didn't ask my mom (my father is deceased), but did ask my 16 year old daughter for permission...lol...her answer is more crucial to our day-to-day living anyways. Plus it made her feel very involved and special and the fact that she was so excited for us made the proposal even better.
  • dees14dees14
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    In Response to Re: Having "the talk" with your parents:
    Not exactly traditional, but my FI didn't ask my mom (my father is deceased), but did ask my 16 year old daughter for permission...lol...her answer is more crucial to our day-to-day living anyways. Plus it made her feel very involved and special and the fact that she was so excited for us made the proposal even better.
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    That is so sweet!
  • jagore08jagore08
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    edited June 2010
    I wanted DH to ask my parents because it was important to me (although it was just a formality because they knew we'd be getting married).  He tried to propose many times and also kept forgetting to ask my parents.  The day he finally did it he called my parents a few hours before (he's a procrastinator) and only got the answering machine.  He knew no one was home except for my parents dog so when my parents got home they had a cute message from DH to Runt (the dog) asking for his permission.  It was really cute and my parents still have the message.
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  • My FI asked over the phone the day b4 because he decided last minute to propose that weekend.  My parents knew that it was coming though so it wasn't a real shock.  I would bring up the idea of the ring to your parents.  Just tell them that you think BF is going to propse and it would mean a lot to you if you had your grandmother's ring.  That way they won't be shocked when he asks. 
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  • My DH called my Dad and asked for his permission & that he not tell my mom,That night since it was my bday & we were going out to dinner with my mom we thought we would let her see the ring & suprise her,but despite me holding my hand by my mouth & doing everything i could to get her to notice she didnt.Finally i had to say "look what Jeff got me for my bday".
  • It was more important to my dad than anybody so FI asked him out of respect.  My dad has always been impressed by that.
  • My fiance asked my dad by saying, "So, can I drop the rock on your daughter?"  My fiance is very laid back and is not into big to-do's.  Had he asked very formally, it wouldn't have been him, and I wouldn't have believed that he had asked.  He asked in a very "him" kind of way.

  • My fiancee surprised me and secretly met with my dad. It was half asking "permission", half just letting him know he was going to ask me and to make sure he didnt object. My dad, tho I know he appreciated the gesture, would never make decisions for me. He's always been very clear about me making my own decisions in my life. I really appreciated my fiancees extra effort though. I also think my dad had a bit more respect for him too. 

    I dont think in this day its necessary in most families, but its still greatly appreciated. Its the groom telling the father of the bride that he respects him and wants to get along and I think it'll really help their relationship. 

    Unless your dad says no. Then maybe not! :)
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  • My fiance didn't ask my parents; I actually don't like that tradition and my Dad hates it.  He has always said if a guy has to ask his permission then he isn't the right guy for his daughter.  I've never been much of a Daddy's Girl so it just wouldn't have made sense, and even if he had asked and my parents said no, I would have still said yes to my fiance.  I take there opinions into consideration but in the end, their opinions don't really matter when it comes to my personal life.  He did tell my mom that he planned on asking me, but certainly didn't ask her, as they don't get along and she probably would have said no lol.
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  • NukkeNukke
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments
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    edited June 2010
    My fiance used my late mummu's (grandmother's) ring to propse with as well.  Basically, I have always told my parents that I have wanted that as my engagement ring, so when my fiance asked for my parents' blessing, they knew they would give him the ring at the same time.

    He was REALLY nervous to ask my dad, but my dad was so thrilled that he did.  He was so touched and deeply impressed, that he started to feel guilty for never asking my mum's dad for his blessing!  lol  Anyway, FI asked my parents about a week before he proposed to me.  That gave him enough time to go and have the antique ring cleaned and to get a nice new box for it. 

    I would suggest talking to your parents yourself about your desire to have your late grandmother's ring.  It could save them having to awkwardly tell your boyfriend that he can't have it if they don't want you to have it.  Discuss it with them first, get the ok, and then let your boyfriend ask them on his own time. 
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  • My fiance asked my dad out of respect for my parents.  We are from the South, so it's a pretty standard thing to do around here.  Although my parents wouldn't have said no, they probably would have been offended if he didn't.  I don't think he was really asking them if he could marry me, he was just really asking for their blessing.  He was extremely nervous, and put it off to the last minute.  After he proposed he told me talking to my dad wasn't really as bad as he thought it would be.  My dad told him he would be proud to call him his son-in-law, and welcomed him to our family.
  • My FI asked both of my parents together when we were visiting for a long weekend around my birthday.  My grandparents were coming for a "birthday dinner" since my mom kept saying that she never got to celebrate with me anymore since we live so far away.  My mom spent the whole evening trying to send me to do little tasks, since his intention was to propose that evening, and the ring was still on my grandmother's hand.  (She did know that when the time came, I really wanted her aunt's engagement ring which she wore every day up to that point)  Needless to say, I was undistractable, and gram, being half deaf didn't get the message about the ring that night.  FI got up super early the next morning and told me he was going hiking.  He hiked 11 miles that day, most of it up the only official mountain in Maine, and then drove 3 hours in the opposite direction to get the ring from my gram.  He didn't propose for another week until my birthday.

    On a side note, we were cleaning his car this past weekend, and I came across a paper that had all of my family's phone numbers written down.  I asked what it was, and he says, oh that's from when I was asking your parents and grandparents for you and the ring.
  • My fiance asked my dad for his permission/blessing about a week before he asked me. He was really nervous too. My dad basically told hold him that it's about frickin' time. I didn't even think that my dad liked him. So it just goes to show you that your dad will probably say yes and it'll mean a lot to him that your fiance asked.
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  • FI asked my dad about a month before he proposed. It was really cute hearing my dad and uncles tell the stories about how they asked permission to marry their spouses when FI chimed in about how nervous he was as well. Its a cute tradition, and a good way to start wedding planning on the "right foot" with your family.
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  • My dad probably would have been impressed if Fi had asked his permission, but he didn't. I'm not a fan of that tradition personally, so I'm glad he didn't. On the other hand, FI is kind of scared of my dad and worries that he doesn't like him, so asking his permission probably would have been a good way for FI to feel a little better about that.
  • MY FI didn't ask mine either. We live 9 hours apart and while he could have called them if he wanted, I don't think it would have had the same effect as doing it in person.  But my dad has always told me that I didn't need permission to marry someone I loved, that the fact that someone makes me happy is enough. I've always respected them for that.
  • kparrekparre
    First Comment
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    My FI asked both my Mom and Dad a week before he proposed. I had mentioned to my FI how it mean a lot to ask for their blessings, and that my Mom would want to be asked too!  Both of my parents were very excited and totally knew it was coming!
  • My FI asked my parents new year's eve when I wasn't around with all of our family friends were there and showed them the ring. But he didn't propose until April. It was important to me to ask them because my family is a big thing for me. I told my mom one evening during the summer before that he told his mom that I was the one and wanted to marry me so they knew it was coming. 
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  • cj5407cj5407
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    My FI stole my dad's phone number out of my phone and wanted to call to set up a time to have the talk in person.  My FI called my dad on the way home from work, on his work phone, and my dad didn't realize who it was.  My FI ended up asking him over the phone instead. 
    Both myself and my dad were pleased that he asked.
  • My Fiance asked my father for permission as a formality but we both knew my father would be happy. My dad cried when my fiance asked him. He also asked my dad to keep it a secret because he wanted it to be a surprise for my mom and the rest of my family. But, my dad was so excited he couldn't resist telling my mom.... and my grandparents. Haha
  • I had no interest in my FI asking my parents for my blessing.  It's not their decision on who I marry, so I didn't feel like he needed to talk to them about it.

    My mom was annoyed that my FI did not call my step-father and ask for his permission.  I think that is ridiculous since I don't require permission to do things.
  • my FI asked my dad and my mom/stepdad. it was sweet, but not necessary!
  • SmallSailsSmallSails
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    edited June 2010
    My FI didn't ask permission because I just think it's a little old fashioned for us as a couple. He cornered by dad while he was BBQing one night and over a beer, he told my father what we was going to do when he went on vacation. I had told him that It was really important to me that my father (who would then tell my mom) knew before my boyfriend proposed...

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  • My parents wouldn't have minded if he didn't ask ... but DH felt he should ask ... and I always felt like they should be "in the loop" on such matters. Obviously, I didn't need to get permission to get married, but it was a really nice gesture.

    About a month before he proposed, he secretly visited my mom and asked for her blessing. She immediately gave it and said "Whatever you do, do not tell Step-dad until the last minute!". Step-dad is a bit of a blabber-mouth and the proposal was supposed to be a surprise, so my mom . Apparently the night before he proposed, he was shopping in the grocery store DH's bank is in, and DH pretty much cornered him in the check-out saying "Um, listen, I'm proposing tomorrow, but it's a surprise, and I don't know when I'm getting another chance to tell you this before I do it", lol.

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