meshing levels of obervance

Re: meshing levels of obervance

• artisticjewishbride2013 member

  

  May 2011 edited December 2011

  Oh and I should add that he wanted to know WHO was marrying us? I dont have a rabbi yet
  

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• MrsMLRB

  

  June 2011 edited December 2011

  Alright, a few things:
  
  1. Who is paying for the wedding? If your dad pays, your dad says. Money comes with strings so if you don't want to do it your dad's way, be prepared to pay for the wedding by yourselves. If you two a financially able to do that, then go ahead and have the wedding you want. (BTW, $40 a plate for dinner sounds very reasonable to me and I bet your dad will not get a quote that low from a kosher caterer).
  
  2. In Judaism, the wedding really isn't all about you. Your parents stand under the chuppah with you because a marriage is the joining of two families. Please get the notion that your wedding is all about you out of your head. It is about your families coming together to celebrate a joyous occasion.
  
  3. Shul food can be wedding food. My FI really wanted a shul wedding and I said no because I wanted to get married outside and I really regret it. At a shul, we could have afforded a kosher wedding, which would have made him so happy. But life moves on. Perhaps you could look into a nicer caterer than your father is suggesting?
  
  4. What is a guadamalian girl?
  
  5. Underneath the post bar there is a check mark with ABC which will spell check your post.
  
  In the end, you want to be happy but you also want your family to be happy. So I would see what you concessions you can make between your BF and your dad so that you can have a wedding that you will all be comfortable with.

  

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• artisticjewishbride2013 member

  

  June 2011 edited December 2011

  1. Who is paying for the wedding?
  My Parents mostly
  My mom said to leave my dad out of the planning and just tell him to show up.  They are saving up money now for this 2013 wedding so that it won't be a strain on their pockets later at my suggestion splitting a bill they no longer pay in half so 1/2 goes to my youngest brothers college builder and the other towards the wedding. (4 out of 6 of us are in college right now but by the wedding only 3 hopefully) 
  I am paying for all my personal needs ( the dress, accessories, his ring, hair, makeup etc etc )and J is in charge of his needs
  I going to ask his parents to pay for the cake and  maybe the flowers if they could
  The only reason I want to get it that low is because my BF is an executive chef he knows EXACTLY how much the food really costs because he orders food all the time for  a large  government account . Plus Jordan knows the executive chef at this restaurant
  
  2. IT  ABSOLUTELY IS about 2 families coming together and I plan on including as much family as possible in everything. I want 4 people holding the poles of my chuppah, I want both moms if they want to guide me 7 times around my groom. I want my Chuppah to be covered in art and wishes from my guests so that  our home ( which is what the chuppah represents is full of love and blessings) If i could get it I would get other family members wedding portraits to display at the reception.....this wedding is is certainly not all about me  which is why I want J included in all the planning ( i am actually taking his lead some) , I bounce ideas off my mom, we both talk to J dad, I want my aunt to have input because she my g-d mother
  The only thing I want is
  to get married outside when the air is warm, flowers are still in bloom or at least  lush,
  I want my ceremony to be about finding your basharat  because I am only going to be looking at J and I thank g-d for him everyday  and unanswered prayers.
   I want a reception full of family and friends talking about the old days and the exciting days to come.
  the food to be simple but wonderful tasting foods  and now food that Jordan has cooked for me.
  
  3.Here the thing we want to get married in MD actually J wants to get married in MD and since I am moving up to the DC area myself it doesn't make sense to get married 2 hours south forcing his whole family to come down when I have family  up north myself. Richmond is VERY limited on kosher food family usually have to drive 2 hours up to the DC area to get large quantity of food. Before the food would have been ok but I know have a finer taste and pasta salad, egg salad, tuna salad, bagels, cream-cheese, lox, a few different kugals will not cut it.
  
  My dad would rather do the bare min. get together a few witness, the kattubah ( i know which one i want) pay a rabbi , have us married and put out pickled herring and crackers  (I think he is joking around )
  he is more consumed about his grandkids going to a Hebrew day school  ( which sets kids back in the secular world around here and helping us buy a house.
  I told him houses in DC area are around 400's he consumed with buying us a house near shul but conservative we drive and in DC sometimes you have to work the weekends and the whole neighborhood would be in an uproar
  Also I want him to pay off his house and fix up his house. My parents have done so much for all 4 of us kids and I like to see their house be more comfortable and updated to match the times. Our neighborhood here is on the up and up. The ONLY way I could get him to agree to it was by saying " yeah dad it will increase the home value when you sell it to split between the kids down the road. ( I think his priorities are  messed up)
  It bothers me a little that he said " I wish i could go back and raise your kids in a better community where you never had to deal with the outside world, your only contact with other people would be through NCSY etc" what is that suppose to mean? I think I turned out well and you will find cramming something down peoples throats is not the way.
  
  4. Guatemalan sorry
  
  5. sorry I didn't use it
  
  

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• tenofcups4me member

  

  June 2011 edited December 2011

  You've got so much extranous information in your posts that it's hard to get to the real crux of the matter! But if I'm following, the bottom line is that your FH has one vision for the wedding, your father has another, and I'm really not cear which, if either, you want.
  
  It sounds like ultimately your dad will go along with whatever you choose -- is that right? If that's the case, you and your FH have to decide what your vision is and make that happen. If your dad will try to pull your parents' funding or wouldn't attend if you do certain things, then it's a lot more complicated. But it doesn't sound like that's the case.
  

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• artisticjewishbride2013 member

  

  June 2011 edited December 2011

  The whole mess comes down to Dad will go along with almost everything if he doesn't have a choice becouse it is the day and he cant change it but refuses to dance with me for 1 dance and when I said what about doing something else he said brushed me off and he was critical that Men should be seporated from women when dancing.
  
  The whole I will not dance but i drink at your wedding  in my mind means I want to get drunk enough to deal with your wedding reception choices .
  
  
  

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• MrsMLRB

  

  June 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_jewish-weddings_meshing-levels-of-obervance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:399Discussion:afab0b33-cd59-449f-9422-c4bf87ced1a2Post:0da93702-c127-4113-b5f4-7ec4cc6d3984">Re: meshing levels of obervance</a>:
  [QUOTE]The whole mess comes down to Dad will go along with almost everything if he doesn't have a choice becouse it is the day and he cant change it but refuses to dance with me for 1 dance and when I said what about doing something else he said brushed me off and he was critical that Men should be seporated from women when dancing. The whole I will not dance but i drink at your wedding  in my mind means I want to get drunk enough to deal with your wedding reception choices .
  Posted by artisticjewishbride2013[/QUOTE]
  
  See, from your original posting it does not sound like your dad will just go with whatever you ask for. I don't know that planning an entire wedding that he is going to pay for that he is going to be uncomfortable attending is a good plan. And please, I can not reiterate this enough, money comes with strings and if your parents are putting in half the money for the wedding, they are going to want/get a say in how the wedding goes down. If your dad is going to want things that you aren't comfortable with, turn down the money and pay for the wedding yourselves. Otherwise, you are going to run into problems down the road.
  
  Does your father typically dance with women/okay with mixed dancing? If he does not typically dance with women, why would you expect that to change because you are getting married? If he does typically participate in mixed dancing, I don't know why he wouldn't dance with you. Also, my reform father probably won't be dancing with my wedding because he doesn't dance. Ever. Am I sad? Certainly. But the world will go on if I don't have a dance with my dad at my wedding.
  
  Something else you might want to consider is you seem to be putting the cart before the horse in this situation. Your BF and you have not been together for more than a year yet and you are already planning a wedding to him. I understand knowing he is the one (I knew at 19 that FI was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with) but there is no reason to rush.

  

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• JoBell123

  

  June 2011 edited December 2011

  You post here that he's your BF and you post on the Not Yet Engaged forum.  I agree that you're putting the cart before the horse.  I wouldn't be starting a family fight over a wedding that you're not actually planning yet.
  
  When the time comes and you have more details of what your wedding will be, then sit down with your dad and talk to him calmly about what he's ok with and not.
  
  One suggestion I have is for the reception have seperate dancing for the first few hours, then as the party goes on, do mixed dancing (that way, if any more observant guests are uncomfortable, they can leave and not miss the whole thing).

  

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• MrsMLRB

  

  June 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_jewish-weddings_meshing-levels-of-obervance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:399Discussion:afab0b33-cd59-449f-9422-c4bf87ced1a2Post:3d108502-7c9c-4d74-a428-748ffda4699f">Re: meshing levels of obervance</a>:
  [QUOTE]One suggestion I have is for the reception have seperate dancing for the first few hours, then as the party goes on, do mixed dancing (that way, if any more observant guests are uncomfortable, they can leave and not miss the whole thing).
  Posted by JoBell123[/QUOTE]
  
  Thats a great compromise.

  

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• artisticjewishbride2013 member

  

  June 2011 edited December 2011

  It is slightly putting the cart before the horse but this conversation came up becouse my dad wants to bond with his kids and he was asking about what I was thinking becouse it was  watching wedding Sunday on Wetv  He wanted a general idea. He was picking on different things and my mom said to him " it is not your wedding L its not what you want or what I want, or what R wants or J wants , or what J parents want  it is everyone's wedding"
  
  It just hurt my feelings that he said I wolnt dance at your wedding but I will drink. I do love the idea of seporate dancing first and then the mixed dancing. My dad never been much of a dancer, none of my family are so I was going to stratch the whole dancing thing but J wants it.
  
  I dont have a ring on my finger but that is my choice I dont want him to for a year atleast  physically get a ring and get down on one knee. Has he offered on more then a few occasions that we should elope in Atlantic City or we should grab a flight to vegas , probally 10 times at this point.
   Neither one of us are overly focused on that step in our life  I am finishing school and I want to come into a marrige debt free
  we do talk about the wedding here and there while he cooks dinner. I have every right to ask a question here becouse its a general question. I would rather learn  from you current offical exact date set brides becouse I bet anything by spring this will become an lengthy discussed issue.

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• jarynslaby1

  

  June 2011 edited December 2011

  Man, it's hard to decipher all of this...lol

  

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• lalaweddingdiva member

  

  March 2012

  It seems like your mom knows how to handle him best. People don't like change and he probably feels guilty you're less observant than him. Don't take it personally when he makes comments about outside world. Since you said nobody in your family or fi's family is as observant as him, he will have to learn to go with the flow, but let your mom be the one to handle breaking the news. Right now its best to be respectful and polite, also when time comes, try to find a comfortable middle ground and have a talk with him or casually point all the things you planned to incorporate his vision of how your wedding would be. Daddy, look we are doing this thing u wanted don't u like it? I agree with others don't stress about drama that's so far away.

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