February 2013 Weddings

Bring on the drama! (Super long vent: Beware)

We've just finished designing the invitations (yay!) but are not ordering them because of some family issues (boo).

As of right now, fi's sperm donor (biological dad but that's what fi has taken to calling him) and his wife names are listed on the invite (as they are rightfully his biological dad and stepmom) as well as my parents and his mom and step-dad (who he refers to as his dad).

Fi was not happy to see his sperm donor or his wife listed and wants them removed. For the last like six months he's been solid about not inviting him, which has caused alot of issues with his parental grandparents (who he is super close to as they practically raised him).

And I'm not sure what to do (other than be supportive of fi and his decision).


Backstory (SUPER LONG part): His parents got married when he was about three (he was the ringbear - this is revalent) but were always fighting and doing drugs (hence the grandparents raising him). They legally separated about four years ago but had a divorce done about two years ago (which is about when is half-sister was born). Fi had much resentment for his mother for leaving and had no relationship with her from the separation til about 18 months ago (maternal family was always present in his life though). His dad finally went for divorce because he had met someone (his now wife) who pushed for it.

After the divorce, sperm donor moved in with now-wife, kicking fi out (at 17) at which he moved in with my family. A little after our engagement (two years ago), sperm donor proposed to now-wife. At this point, fi and his mom reconnected and started over (and have been super close since then) which angered sperm donor. They planned their wedding after our initial date (last june). They then changed it to a Wednesday in February and fi was to be BM for sperm donor.

In February, fi came to visit me at school weekend before sperm donor and now-wife wedding (planned weekend since Christmas break that both families knew about) . Fi gets a call from sperm donor half hour after departure time (again known about) saying that he and now-wife were getting married on Sunday (of said weekend that fi was not to return until Monday) and that fi must return to attend (now-wife coaching speech in background). Fi said no, and came up to see me anyways (I did not know about it until he got there) because this had been planned first and everyone knew. Well, sperm donor holds resentment from that (I don't blame him entirely). Fi and sperm donor patch things up to be civil to one another until last Christmas break.

Day after Christmas, we are babysitting half-sister which paternal grandparents wish to see (consider their grandchild as with like 7 other grandchildren). We take half-sister over at which sperm donor and now-wife show up (unannounced) and begin arguing with grandparents that half-sister shouldn't be there because it hurts sperm donor and that half-sister doesn't belong. We decide to take half-sister and leave until sperm donor and now-wife leave (parental grandparents ended up kicking them out right after we left) and returning later.

Since then, despite fi trying to move on and be civil with sperm donor (when we are not able to avoid interactions - such as at church and family gatherings), fi has been disowned by sperm donor (yet sperm donor will complain and degrudge fi to paternal grandparents for fi not talking/visiting/etc. to him). Paternal grandmother is trying to force fi and sperm donor to interact (such as invite to wedding). Sperm donor and now-wife throw hissy fits about paternal grandparents doing anything for half-sister (such as giving her birthday money as they do with all the grandchildren - related or not).
Earlier question remains (what to do).


CN: Sperm donor and mother have estrangled relationship that has costed fi a one-or-the-other relationship. Sperm donor holds resentment for fi on not attending spure-of-the-moment marriage/elopement on known OOT visit with me. Sperm donor disowns fi after we bring half-sister (by FMIL) to visit his paternal grandparents (as per their request as they have reconnected with FMIL). Sperm donor and now-wife throw hissy fits about paternal family having relationship with FMIL and her family. Paternal grandmother is trying to force fi and sperm donor to interact together and pushes for sperm donor and now-wife to attend our wedding although Fi has since given up any relationship with sperm donor and now-wife.


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Re: Bring on the drama! (Super long vent: Beware)

  • Julyet06Julyet06 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited August 2012
    I am sooo sorry for your FI :-(  I can't stand when parents are the one's behaving childish!!  I've actually over the years grew a tough skin when it comes to family after learning their selfish ways and despite my mother being unhappy with the way I handle things I do what makes ME happy...certain people are NOT invited to my wedding.  I am glad that we are having a destination wedding b/c I feel that I will get more pressure to invite certain family members and it will cause arguments galore b/c I will stand my ground.  My invitations are not listing either of our parents' names.  We will word the invite from the Bride and Groom, not the Parents of the Bride and Groom...besides, we are the ones paying for the wedding.  If your FI feels that strongly, he can just put the names of his grandparents or his mom and stepdad.  From my point of view (which is very extreme in the sense that I refuse to take crap from ANYone and will now only do what makes me happy b/c I am not out to please anyone, esp if they haven't been involved in my life for the last 5 to 10 years or longer) I would remove their names...you can have your (the bride's) parents names only if you like ("Parents of the Bride invite you to witness the marriage of Bride to Groom etc").  I don't feel it's absolutely necessary to follow "ettiquette" or "tradition" on certain things, esp if it's making either one of you unhappy!  If his "sperm donor" hasn't been around and despite your FI's efforts to be cordial has decided to continue behaving childish, there is no reason for him to have the honor of being listed on the invitation.
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  • FH's parents are divorced and he has a stepmom. We decided it'd be easier to just go with a general "Together with their families."
    Best of luck to you and yours!

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    Feb 22, 2013
  • We're doing just about everything on our own (FMIL is buying/helping to cook all of the food) so it was required to put them on but we did because some of the people aren't very close to us (family we haven't met but wanted to invite for our parents) that may not know who we are without our parents listed (hence they were included).

    The issue is becoming more of inviting his sperm donor and now-wife or not. Technically they can attend the ceremony whether we like it or not, we are all members of the same church where the whole wedding is held. :/

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  • Even if your FI decides to be the bigger person, so to speak, and invite them...will they actually show?  If they do show, will your FI be okay with them being there?  He can acknowledge them and then just go about his business, enjoy his day/night with his new wife and the rest of the family...would he be able to do that?  Could you designate someone to keep an eye out for any drama and nip it in the bud before it ruins your celebration?
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  • edited August 2012
    I think that they would because they can act good for family (and paternal grandmother would never let them skip anyways) Fi has gotten really good at ignoring them and/or being polite and getting away ASAP ("hi", "how are you", "good", "well, talk to you later") so he can do the acknowledge and leave fine. If they can behave, he said he wouldn't have an issue with them there (but there hasn't been an event when they haven't started bashing his mom or us).

    We're thinking of seeing if a couple of his off-duty officer buddies (who we would liked to have invited) would be security guards for night (for pay of course). My dad, sister/MOH, and FsFIL said they'll be on the look out for issues so we don't have to deal with it. :)

    As I'm writing this, FMIL said that fi has a plan to deal with them being there and that anyone who starts major drama will be escorted out without a second thought (and I have received text from fi validating this). He said to let it be and that he'll handle it.

    So it's out of my hands now. Just T&P's that as it gets closes that this all goes smoothly.

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  • Good luck! I hope everything works out for ya'll.
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  • I had a bit of a rough childhood with divorce and alchoholism involved but no where near this bad. I would not include those parents unless they were helping financially. My now husband and I are now close with both of our families but when we got married last Feb, we chose not to include either on the invite because we literally paid for our entire wedding. Our parents don't have a lot of money to help out.  At most I would put the "with our family" option but if your FI doesn't even want to invite him, it doesn't seem appropriate to include the "sperm donors" name on the invitation.
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