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Guests asking to bring dates to Orthodox Wedding?

akeren20akeren20 member
First Comment
in Jewish Weddings
Some of my guests are asking to bring dates to my wedding, I know for etiquette reasons, you normally are supposed to allow, but for frum reasons, the ceremony is separate seating, which is pending, I'm trying to convince my Dad to allow it, reception is not, but dancing is separate. Also for budget reasons, we can't afford to have extra guests.
One of my friends recently asked me if she could bring a date, and I said I don't think so, and then she went off on me about how rude it is, and I have to invite peoples dates. But I don't really understand, for a good portion of the wedding they can't be with each other, and if I can't afford it, I'm not going to go over my budget. I just told her after a long manipulative conversation, as we get the rsvps, and we have openings we will allow people to bring dates, depending on length and seriousness of relationship first. Just clarifying, engaged couples are invited regardless. 
What is the proper etiquette for orthodox weddings, and whats a better way to handle the question? 
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Re: Guests asking to bring dates to Orthodox Wedding?

  • jessicabessicajessicabessica member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Question--did your guest ask if she could bring a date, or someone that she is in a serious relationship with?
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  • akeren20akeren20 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Juat a date, she recently broke up with her boyfriend. 
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  • RachiemooRachiemoo member
    First Anniversary First Comment Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    actually she is exhibiting bad etiquitte imo.

    it isn't required to invite dates unless they are married.

    usually people also invite a guest's significant other if they are engaged, but it certainly is not required to invite them with a random date.

    if i were you i would just politely say no and that you have to keep your guest list under a certain number for either budget and/or venue restrictions.
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  • penaltyshotpenaltyshot
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    First off, shame on her for being so rude!
    Second, no one who was not in a relationship was not invited to bring a random guest. If this friend of yours will know no one else at the wedding, I guess that's one thing, but for her to demand to bring some random guy with her is just silly.
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  • jessicabessicajessicabessica member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I agree with PPs that she's being pretty rude here.  Even if you were in the wrong--which you're not--once a guest sees that they cannot bring a plus one or you are not inviting their mom or whatever it is, I think it is rude for them to push it as she has. 

    As for how to deal with the question, I think your answer--that once you get rsvps, if it looks like you will have room, you will try your best to accomadate her request--is fine.  You can also say that your budget is very tight, so you have to limit the people that you don't personally know, but you are very happy that she can help you celebrate. 

    ETA: I wouldn't say something like "it will be separate seating and dancing, so you wouldn't even see this person anyway for most of the night" because, while that might be true, it doesn't sound like you're going to win by reasoning with her like this, and I've found that people will generally have a way of coming back at you and saying why the reason your offering doesn't matter.  Others may disagree here, I am not having a frum wedding, so not encountering this issue, just my thought about it. 
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  • chavanolachavanola member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    No..there is no "bringing a date" to an Orthodox wedding.  I had to explain this to some of my non-Orthodox or non-jewish friends.  The general Orthodox custom is married couples--although some will extend to engaged couples.  We did have mixed seating at dinner (separate at chuppah) and separate dancing.  Tell them politely its not your custom, but hope they will attend anyway.  Of course you will try and seat them with people whose company they will enjoy.  If they can't be mature enough to handle that--its their problem. 
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