Snarky Brides

Big fight with FH. Am i over-reacting?

I can count on nothing less than honesty from the snarky brides.... FH is an elementary school teacher and I'm an insurance salesperson... but you would never guess it. He is like a child. He plays play station hockey every second of his spare time.. ok not literally, but he will play about 3 hours a night and 5 -7 on weekends.

Today is our 7 year anniverary of being together. Our wedding is in June. We went out tonight with his friends for a birthday. We had a great time together. We had an agreement that we would come home, have a date night together, have sex, and enjoy our anniverary.

He has done nothing but play play stiation for the last 3 hours tonight. I have been dirnking a bit so for the last 2 hours I have been very vocal and said that I want him to stop. I tried to take the game away and tell him I wanted sex, and he was furious.

So here we are at 12am on our anniverary - he is still playing his game, and I'm on the bed crying - he doesn't care. I want to break up with him and he says he doesn't care. We've had the same fight about play station, and I've actually left the condo - he was scared and promised to changed but hadn't. 

I know we sound fucked up, maybe we are... what would you do?? i feel so unloved, and I just want to move back home with my parents. I don't want to marry him anymore..
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Re: Big fight with FH. Am i over-reacting?

  • In Response to Big fight with FH. Am i over-reacting?:
    I can count on nothing less than honesty from the snarky brides.... FH is an elementary school teacher and I'm an insurance salesperson... but you would never guess it. He is like a child. He plays play station hockey every second of his spare time.. ok not literally, but he will play about 3 hours a night and 5 -7 on weekends. Today is our 7 year anniverary of being together. Our wedding is in June. We went out tonight with his friends for a birthday. We had a great time together. We had an agreement that we would come home, have a date night together, have sex, and enjoy our anniverary. He has done nothing but play play stiation for the last 3 hours tonight. I have been dirnking a bit so for the last 2 hours I have been very vocal and said that I want him to stop. I tried to take the game away and tell him I wanted sex, and he was furious. So here we are at 12am on our anniverary - he is still playing his game, and I'm on the bed crying - he doesn't care. I want to break up with him and he says he doesn't care. We've had the same fight about play station, and I've actually left the condo - he was scared and promised to changed but hadn't.  I know we sound fucked up, maybe we are... what would you do?? i feel so unloved, and I just want to move back home with my parents. I don't want to marry him anymore..
    Posted by lovebug4456
    If your relationship is at a point that you need to come to an "agreement" to have sex, then you both need professional help.  If you want to break up, then do it but don't threaten to do it just to get attention or to "scare" him into changing.  If you really want to work on your relationship, look into couples counseling.

    I suspect that there's more to your story than is provided here, but I understand not feeling loved and appreciated.  What it really comes down to is poor communication on both your parts.  You both need to be able to talk about your expectations of each other, and you need to be willing to listen to each other too.  This is usually best accomplished by having a third party as a mediator.  Whatever you do, put the wedding planning on hold until you work through these issues.  
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  • I also think that when you get upset, you need to remind yourself of this:

    It's impossible to fully capture into words how much Mark means to me. I love absolutely everything about him. He is my best friend and the love of my life. He’s extremely intelligent and has a natural ability to excel at almost anything. He has a great sense of humour - I’m always laughing when we’re together. He’s always loving, attentive and extremely kind to me. He is compassionate, caring and would do anything for any of his friends or family members. He never loses his temper, and is always calm and level-headed - even when I'm not. 
    He always makes me feel loved and special, and he’s always planning special little surprises for me - I just never know what’s up his sleeve. I can’t believe that I get to spend the rest of my life with him. I feel like the luckiest person in the world. At our 50th anniversary party, I will look at him and still be amazed I get to be married to him. I’m very excited to one day start a family with him, and I have no doubt he will be an amazing father. I am very proud to call him my husband, and I could never imagine spending my life with anyone else but him
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  • Honestly, you need to stop drinking and knotting and both you and your FH need to sit down stat and discuss the future of your relationship like rational, sober adults.  This isn't about the playstation.

    If you've had this fight before and you've threatened to leave before and it really is that awful for you, why do you keep coming back to him?   You are merely reinforcing the fact that he can do what he wants, regardless of how upset it makes you, and you'll just come back for more.  Also, instead of actually dealing with the problem you use threats to entice change, which doesn't work.

    It sounds like both of you have a severe inability to communicate effectively and the playstation is only a symptom of deeper issues in the relationship.

    And, I agree.  Making an appointment to have sex, on your anniversary no less, is really screwed up.

    Seek counseling, immediately.

  • Yes you are over reacting. Apparently he seems from your story that he is not giving you some equal time. What you need to do is take some time and cool down and don't say things that you are going to have to apologize for later. Get a clear head and then when you do. Then sit down and have a talk with him.

    When you do have this talk with your FI just tell him that you just want some time with him,and you feel that he seems to spend a considerable time on the game machine.

    You have to also let him have his time to unwind and if playing a game is a stress reliever for him then ask him to set a reasonable time limit. I will be honest with you guys do not respond to tears and threats they will retreat farther form you. You both need to set time aside to enjoy each other whatever way that is.
  • ExpatPumpkinExpatPumpkin
    1000 Comments Combo Breaker
    member
    edited January 2010
    I think you really need to ask yourself if you can handle being married to someone who plays video games 25+ hours a week.  I could not and therefore wouldn't be marrying or dating this person...  If he enjoys video games this much, don't for a second think that he'll stop after the wedding...

    I have a girlfriend who married an idiot who spent all his free time with his friends.  Somehow she imagined that after the wedding he'd spend more time with her.  He didn't.  It's been five years and she's now filing for divorce :(
  • I think that your problems run much deeper than video games.

    And a rule to a healthy relationship: Don't throw out "Well, I'll just break up with you then!" as an ultimatum. GUYS DO NOT RESPOND WELL TO ULTIMATUMS.

    I vote that you two seek couples counseling immediately.

  • Based on both of your posts, I don't think he is the only childish one in your condo right now.  If you can't talk like adults, you shouldn't be getting married, a very adult thing to do.  This break-up and get back together "wahh why doesn't he love me more?" facebook status bull should be left to over-dramatic highschoolers.

    Also, I know my fiance would respond to tears and threats, but you know what?  I would never do that to him.  It just isn't healthy.
  • The PPs are all correct. Both of you are acting childishly. Sometimes scheduling sex can create anticipation, but that is apparently not the case for the 2 of you.

    Please go to counseling and sort this out. Don't let yourself think that marriage will make it better.

    FWIW, my FI plays WoW every night and all weekend, but I have other hobbies as well. We still spend lots of time together and he stops if I need his attention or presence for something, without complaining. It seems your hubby has an addiction, or he is using the game to avoid dealing with problems between the 2 of you. Either way, counseling is in your best interest as a couple.
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  • redheadfsuredheadfsu
    2500 Comments
    member
    edited January 2010
    I agree couseling would be a good step for you two right now. I think it comes down to respect & communication. You should not be throwing a tandrum & he should never tell you to shut your fat face. It sounds like you two have no respect for each other.

    Mine likes games, but not 2-3 hours a night. When I ask or state that I feel left out or lonely he stops. I have kissed him while he is playing & he puts the game down. I would never grap the game from him. I would just tell him that he is hurting my feelings.

    But some guys love video games more than sex. Really. Several of my friends had to decide whether they wanted to date/ marry someone who played WOW 3-5 hours a day. At the end of the day, do you want to marry/ live with this for the rest of your life. Don't just marry him b/c you have 7 years invested in this man. People do not change.

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  • megk8ozmegk8oz
    2500 Comments
    member
    edited January 2010
    I married a gamer. When we moved in together, I aquired joint custody of an XBox 360 (Which I have no idea how to use), a Wii, and a PS2. Also, his WoW subscription came with him. But I knew all of these were part of the package that is DH.

    And, he does usually play something at night and he often games on his days off. But I never feel "lonely" or "neglected". DH and I have discussed his gaming (Which, I've never really had an issue with) and he's made it perfectly clear that if I want him to turn off the game and pay attention to me, he will, I just have to say something. This is what we do, and it works. If I actually intentionally broke a game on him, oh, I'd have his attention, but it wouldn't go well.

    And something that's really bothering me here is your "agreement" to have sex. DH and I have a healthy sex life, imo, and we've never "scheduled" sex. I mean, sure, there's days where one of us sends the other that dirty text at work about what one should expect upon arriving home ... but we never plan a day or night where it's like "Ok, sex is on our To-Do list".

    It honestly sounds like neither one of you are mature enough to be getting married. He should be able to make you a priority ... and you shouldn't feel like you're competing with video games.

    DH was with his ex for 5 years, they lived together for 3 of those years (She moved in to his mother's house). She cheated on him, citing reasons that his gaming habits interefered with their sex life and she "had needs" (Which, it later came out that his gaming had nothing to do with it, but that's another story). I actually was friends with the both of them during this time in their relationship, and it wasn't that he preferred video games over sex. He preferred video games over sex with her. They were at a point where they just absolutely hated everything about each other, but they'd been together for so long (And she needed a place to live) that they just couldn't bring themselves to break up like mature adults.

    I'm not saying that this in necessarily you're current situation ... but you've said it yourself, you've been together for a very long time. Could it be that you guys are just getting married because it feels like "what you're supposed to do"?

    It sounds like you both need to seek counseling before the wedding. Cancelling a wedding is embarassing and yes, you take the financial hit. But getting divorced is way more expensive, and way more embarassing ... especially if it comes back to you that quite a few family and friends "just knew you were wrong together". Ultimatums are childish and they never work. If you've been together 7 years and he's never "changed", he's never going to, at least not for the better. If anything, once you're married and "stuck", it'll probably just get worse if you don't try to fix things now.

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  • Ditto Tide--if you have to form an agreement that you will " come home, have a date night together, have sex, and enjoy our anniversary", then you have a problem here.  

    This isn't healthy: "I have been dirnking a bit so for the last 2 hours I have been very vocal and said that I want him to stop."  Drinking and nagging don't go well together.  It's also just unhealthy.

    And this is a huge red flag for many reasons:  "I tried to take the game away and tell him I wanted sex, and he was furious."  When DH is playing WOW and I mildly suggest I'm in the mood, you've never seen a game turned off so fast in your life.  

    If you are demanding sex, you are being a bully.  

    If he's too into his game that he gets furious if you try to make him turn it off, he's got an addiction.  

    The fact that this has spiraled out of control like this makes me think that you guys need a lot of counseling before you go through with the marriage.
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  • I HATE video games... for years I was pushed aside for a video game and ended that relationship... now I'm marrying someone who designs video games, but he doesn't play them! One of my good friends is engaged to a wonderful guy who plays video games quite a bit... one night she tried to get him to stop playing so they could play in the bedroom, but he told her what I had been told so many times in my past relationship: let me just finish this one thing, give me just 10 minutes to get past this one thing, etc. After waiting more than an hour for him to join her in bed, she went up to him, slammed her engagement ring down on the game console and said "you either marry me or your (expletive) video game" and walked back into their bedroom. He joined her shortly thereafter with his tail tucked between his legs and apologized and gave her back her ring. Something to think about!! GOOD LUCK!
  • I broke up with a guy who loved video games a little too much.......a part of me felt some guilty pleasure when I read that you snapped his game haha.   I feel bad for your situation, good luck!  
  • You both need professional help. Your dinking and his need to keep playing are major signs that something is wrong with your relationship. You need to decide if this is what you want in a marriage. If not, then go your seperate ways. Do not give him an ultimatum. It will just give him more reasons to turn to his game. Also breaking his game is now going to cause major resentment/hatred towards you that he isn't going to tell you.
    Like the PP's have stated, you guys need major help from a professional. I would put the wedding on hold for now until you guys get threw this issue.
    Anniversary
  • It's sad what this board has become.
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  • In Response to Re: Big fight with FH. Am i over-reacting?:
    It's sad what this board has become.
    Posted by AngieP900
    I totally agree
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  • You called him a chlid becaus ehe wanted to play a video game but you said that you wanted to brea up with him. Who's calling the kettle black?
  • Maybe instead of issuing ultimatums, throwing tantrums, and demanding his attention immediately you should try talking to him.  Don't wait until he's in the middle of a game; talk to him before he gets started.  Explain (calmly) how his playing makes you feel and give him a chance to explain himself without judging.  You might be able to reach a compromise more easily if he doesn't feel like he's the only one making a sacrifice.  If he doesn't respond to rational conversation it may be time for counseling or more drastic measures, but if you can't communicate effectively now, things will only get worse in the years to come.
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  • I think that you acted like a child too by breaking the game. It is more going on in this relationship that you are not telling. If you and him can't handle this small type of problem, like "playing video games" then getting married in 2011 is not for you or him. And if you have to make arrangemnets to have sex with him & him calling you fat face, then it sounds to me like he have lost interest in you and the relationship. I  think that you need to take a good look at yourself and ask the question of "Why do I stay with this man? Good luck and keep your head up. 
  • In Response to Re: Big fight with FH. Am i over-reacting?:
    Maybe instead of issuing ultimatums, throwing tantrums, and demanding his attention immediately you should try talking to him.  Don't wait until he's in the middle of a game; talk to him before he gets started.  Explain (calmly) how his playing makes you feel and give him a chance to explain himself without judging.  You might be able to reach a compromise more easily if he doesn't feel like he's the only one making a sacrifice.  If he doesn't respond to rational conversation it may be time for counseling or more drastic measures, but if you can't communicate effectively now, things will only get worse in the years to come.
    Posted by lisarose7
    Seconded to all of this.  Especially the "don't bug him mid-game".  As a serious gamer (and my FH is NOT) -- they're immersive.  It takes a few minutes *after* getting to a stopping point before my brain's back online for serious discussion.  And sometimes a stopping point is a ways off and will lose me potentially hours of work if I just turn the thing off.  (Save Early, Save Often is a mantra I honor better in the breach.  Oh well.) 

    So FH pokes his head in, I give him an accurate estimate of how long until a save point, and then I *go to the save point* and stop.   Before I get sucked into a 4-hour stretch, I go pester him and see if he wants to hang out that evening, or if he's just as happy curling up with a book or the TV while I game.  Etc.
  • I second antimony's suggestion, in addition to my first.
    FI is a serious gamer, but always stops when he says he will, and comes to check on me and see what Im doing when he takes a break.
    OP, the game is not the issue here. I think the game is the scapegoat, a way for him to tune you out so the 2 of you don't have to deal with the deterioration of your relationship. `
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  • What I want to know is when did he start this video game addiction? You said you have been together for 7 years so if this is a new problem maybe he doesn't want to get married or maybe if something happened to him around the time he started playing all the time then that may be the reason he is playing so much. I know me and my fiance both play games when we get stressed out or if something bad happened at work or something. I would find out WHY he feels the need to play all the time. There seems to be more going on then he is letting on.

    Also, even if you do get this worked out I would definitly rethink getting married. Neither one of you is obviously grown up enough to handle a commited relationship in a healthy way.
  • In Response to Big fight with FH. Am i over-reacting?:
    i feel so unloved, and I just want to move back home with my parents. I don't want to marry him anymore..
    Posted by lovebug4456
    UM.....this is what is striking to me...Maybe you shouldn't marry him.
  • Men *say* they will change but they never do.  I once dated a guy who loved his video games.  He spent more of his time with them it seemed  than with me.  It really got to me and I confronted him.  He told me that he understands and will change.  He did not and that is only one reason I broke up with him.
    Good luck with yoursituation. I agree with everyone else. Either you two need counsiling or you two need to go your seperate ways.
  • edited February 2010
    WOW! This could be me!! Not to this extreme, but my fiance also loves the playstation - especially hockey (I wonder if they are play station friends lol). Sorry, bad joke. Anyway, I too have had a few meltdowns about his gaming, but over the years I have learned that the key is communication and compromises. 
    I really think that therapy is a good idea, especially if you are this upset. Therapy can give you fresh perspective and teach you communication, listening and compromising skills. Even if he doesn't want to go to couples counselling (I don't think most men do), try therapy by yourself. 

    PS - I broke a play station game too. It can be infuriating, but I have found that when we act like a crazy bitch (not saying you are, but I can be at times), it does nothing but fuel the fire. Let him play and talk about it the next day calm and rationally. Good luck.
  • luvoo41488luvoo41488
    10 Comments
    member
    edited February 2010
    No one else going to touch on taking his game away and DEMANDING sex?  'Cause dang that gets me so hot and bothered. Taking my stuff and yelling at me about how much of an ass I am.

    If this is just becoming an issue for the first time in 7 years, find out why he stopped caring. If this is old news you whiny snot, get used to it or leave. It's not working, and you clearly don't have the social graces to fix it, and you disrespect each other so much it's frankly a lost cause from here.

    Also- running home to mommy and daddy doesn't stop the real world at the door. 
    If you leave, get your shite together and get your own place, if you're old enough to seriously consider marriage, you're certainly old enough to tough it out on your own.
  • Holy hell, this is the kind of advice that's been doled out since we've been gone.  I weep for all of you freaks.
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  • Isn't it sad, Cali. Now we know why the bump never runs out of crazies with horrible relationships. 
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  • 7 year anniversary, since what age?

    When you wait til you grow up to get married, your likelihood of not marrying a child increases exponentially.
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  • I want to hear a lot less about gaming and a lot more about bull riding.
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