BM ? about her date and seating at the head table during reception??

transcriber87 · July 2012

My BM just started dating a guy and they were over at my house yesterday and she was asking my Mom if he could sit with us at the table during the reception. Well Mom explained to her that after the wedding, when we go in, get our food, those head tables set up is for us, the bridal party, to sit at to eat, the photographer and venue will be taking pictures of the bridal party. She said, well he won't know anyone there...so she said after we eat and the action starts, there is nothing wrong with going up there to sit, we've been at weddings before and saw it. The GM both have wives that will be sitting at a table, my Mom who is my MOH isn't dating right now so no worries about her BF. What do you ladies think? I hope I posted this on the right board LOL

baystateapple · July 2012

IMO, head tables are outdated and not polite. You really shouldn't be splitting up social units, even if it's "just for dinner". How would you like to go to an event with your FI and be sat away from him with people you've never met for the evening?

I would say skip the head table, but if you insist on having it, you should seat the SO's of your BP with them.

libby2483 · July 2012

I was just a BM in a wedding, and our SO sat with us up at the head table. Since the bridal party was smaller it worked really well. Perhaps if your wedding party is smaller, which it sounds like it is, this could work for you, too. It really didn't interfere with pictures or anything if that is what you are worried about. We did all bridal party pictures before we sat down to eat.

[Deleted User] · July 2012

The wedding party should be seated with their SOs. For an event that is supposed to celebrate the union of two people that are in love it's hypocritical to split couples up just so "the pictures look nice and uniformed." Either have a sweetheart table with your fiance and seat the wedding party members with their loved ones at the other tables or include the SOs at the head table. The latter is what my FI and I are doing. Splitting couples up is rude and guests will notice. I watched my best friend's cousin get upset because she couldn't sit with her husband during the reception.

mkrupar · July 2012

Why don't you and your FI sit at a regular table with your BM, MOH, and their dates. Since the MOH is your mom, you could include your FI's parents as well. Then seat the rest of the bridal party at tables with people they know around the room.

Do you really want a picture of you all eating at the head table? What are you going to do with that? Half the photos I have of my wedding I will do nothing with probably.

Meegles4 · July 2012

The wedding party should be seated with their SOs. This is my BIGGEST peeve about weddings.

Why does your photographer need to take photos of the WP at the head table? Aren't you going to have enough photos of them other places? And even he/she is taking photos at that point, it doesn't matter if the dates are in the pics as well. It's dinner, not a staged photo opp.

FWIW, we had a captain's table with about 25 people at it, which included our WP, their dates, H and I, and 3 kids that were in our WP (their parents were also at the table). It worked fine. Our photog. took photos of that as well, just as part of capturing the ambiance of dinnertime, and it worked out fine that the dates were in the photos. Again, this isn't staged, this is the more casual part of the evening.

It would be hella awkward for this poor guy to have to sit with people he doesn't know. Even though it's "just dinner", he's already spending most of the day by himself while your BM is involved in the pre-ceremony, ceremony and post-ceremony activities/pictures. At least let them sit together for dinner.

specialk84 · July 2012

My MOH was the only member of the WP who brought a date, and he sat at the head table with us. It's really not polite to break up couples, especially if the date doesn't know anyone else.

GinaV0822 · July 2012

I am not seating the SO's at my head table. I had no idea that you were supposed to do that. Knowing that, I'm still not going to do it because they will all know a ton of people at the wedding. If that wasn't the case, I might be inclined to seat them with us. If the SO is someone you know well, I'd say it would be okay, but I would feel weird having someone I really don't know at my head table. That's just me though.

BCV513 · July 2012

I was just a bridesmaid last weekend and the bride did a head table with just the bridal party. We were all separated from our SOs. It was awful. My FI was seated with people he barely knew. And once dinner was over the head table was totally empty for the rest of the night. Even through dinner, most of the bridal party was up checking on their SOs. Please don't separate couples for the sake of your pictures.

littleluckypenny · July 2012

Sitting apart from your SO sucks. Last year, DH and I attended my cousin's wedding and I was in the WP and she had a head table. I was stuck up there sitting next to people I didn't know (met them the night before) and FI was stuck at a table with people he barely knew (knew them but never had a "real" conversation with them). We were both miserable. If I would go over to his table, there wasn't room for me so I was taking someone's seat until they came back to claim it.

When we planned our own seating, DH remembered how he felt being so lonely and vowed he would never do that to anyone.

OP, it's not just the dinner. Taking pictures before/after the ceremony and being apart during the ceremony counts too.

msuprincess04 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bm-about-her-date-and-seating-at-the-head-table-during-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a0b3526c-0fc4-451b-b87b-307a22bbd28dPost:71ecd141-3875-48de-b19d-447fd729c8bf">Re: BM ? about her date and seating at the head table during reception??</a>:
[QUOTE]I was just a bridesmaid last weekend and the bride did a head table with just the bridal party. We were all separated from our SOs. It was awful. My FI was seated with people he barely knew. And once dinner was over the head table was totally empty for the rest of the night. Even through dinner, most of the bridal party was up checking on their SOs. Please don't separate couples for the sake of your pictures.
Posted by BCV513[/QUOTE]

This. I've been the date. It sucks.

jahjbmr · July 2012

I'd post on your local board, I think it differs a ton depending on where you live. I go to multiple weddings a year and have never once NOT seen a head table. People know that;s how it is here so don't fuss about not sitting with their significant other for an hour.

andrea2473 · July 2012

I don't have a problem with head tables, but we made room for the SO's. We got several thank you's from the dates for being so considerate. Thanks TK E board for the help on that one! I probably wouldn't have thought of it on my own.

jahjbmr · July 2012

Geez, I didn't say she couldn't do it another way. Just to see what her local board thought since it seems to vary where people live.

andrea2473 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bm-about-her-date-and-seating-at-the-head-table-during-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a0b3526c-0fc4-451b-b87b-307a22bbd28dPost:7c4427f9-bdb1-4ee6-b0d1-62ee23f516d4">Re: BM ? about her date and seating at the head table during reception??</a>:
[QUOTE]Geez, I didn't say she couldn't do it another way. Just to see what her local board thought since it seems to vary where people live.
Posted by jahjbmr[/QUOTE]

It's pretty common everywhere, but that's not the point. No matter where you are from, you can't argue that people would prefer to sit with their dates. Of course they would. So thinking outside the box a little and planning for that is the right choice.

andrea2473 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bm-about-her-date-and-seating-at-the-head-table-during-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a0b3526c-0fc4-451b-b87b-307a22bbd28dPost:923795ae-f574-4d7c-b08e-1f2ba04fad63">Re: BM ? about her date and seating at the head table during reception??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: BM ? about her date and seating at the head table during reception?? : But that's not true. Etiquette doesn't vary based on where you live. It's the same regardless. And etiquette says splitting up social units at an event, especially one celebrating love, is rude.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

We are rather in sync today. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" />

GinaV0822 · July 2012

I have been in several weddings and my ex was too. (although this was years ago) Neither of us ever sat at the head table if we weren't in the wedding. I never found it rude. I would feel weird to be at a head table if I was not in the wedding. I actually had a groomsmen's wife ask me if she had to sit at the head table because she said she hoped she didn't have to.

zitiqueen · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bm-about-her-date-and-seating-at-the-head-table-during-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a0b3526c-0fc4-451b-b87b-307a22bbd28dPost:d0f8f532-4502-4279-8d10-c488436afc0d">BM ? about her date and seating at the head table during reception??</a>:
[QUOTE]My BM just started dating a guy and they were over at my house yesterday and she was asking my Mom if he could sit with us at the table during the reception. Well Mom explained to her that after the wedding, when we go in, get our food, those head tables set up is for us, the bridal party, to sit at to eat, the photographer and venue will be taking pictures of the bridal party. She said, well he won't know anyone there...so she said after we eat and the action starts, there is nothing wrong with going up there to sit, we've been at weddings before and saw it. The GM both have wives that will be sitting at a table, my Mom who is my MOH isn't dating right now so no worries about her BF. What do you ladies think? I hope I posted this on the right board LOL
Posted by transcriber87[/QUOTE]

jahjbmr · July 2012

Well a lot of things on here that most people claim rude on the knot are not problems or heard of where I live...so get over it

Carrie81677 · July 2012

I'll own my lapse in etiquette and note that I did have a head table--our venue couldn't accommodate the WP with SOs at a single table, and I refused to do a sweetheart table. Looking back, I'm fairly confident that most of the SOs knew and were seated with enough people they knew to be comfortable, but the one outlier makes me feel guilty and sad, and I wish I'd done things differently.

That said, there's no reason not to explore other alternatives if you're in a similar situation. If the entire WP with SOs can fit, that's probably the simplest solution. Otherwise, you could limit the head table to the bridal couple, BM with SO, MOH with SO, and parents (I realize, in your case, MOH=mom), while the rest of the WP are seated with their SOs and other people they know.

It really IS crummy to sit alone at a wedding when you're not already integrated into the social group, and your WP will probably be happier for it.

andrea2473 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bm-about-her-date-and-seating-at-the-head-table-during-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a0b3526c-0fc4-451b-b87b-307a22bbd28dPost:e2114240-45ca-4dc5-b8c8-824fe7e6e477">Re: BM ? about her date and seating at the head table during reception??</a>:
[QUOTE]I have been in several weddings and my ex was too. (although this was years ago) Neither of us ever sat at the head table if we weren't in the wedding. I never found it rude. I would feel weird to be at a head table if I was not in the wedding. I actually had a groomsmen's wife ask me if she had to sit at the head table because she said she hoped she didn't have to.
Posted by GinaV0822[/QUOTE]

Well in the case of the GMs wife, you knew her preference and were able to accomodate it. I honestly believe that it's the exception to the rule though. That's why a lot of people have problems with head tables actually. Like, "ooooooh they are so important up there eating on a stage" so maybe she felt like she would be imposing and there is no reason to feel like that. If SOs were included in the head table more often, people wouldn't think anything of it. OP can start a trend in her area. I've already had at least one guest from my wedding saying she was going to do that at her wedding. Courtesy is contageous.

andrea2473 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bm-about-her-date-and-seating-at-the-head-table-during-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a0b3526c-0fc4-451b-b87b-307a22bbd28dPost:f9f65fc3-af79-4007-ba09-5a979de71ef4">Re: BM ? about her date and seating at the head table during reception??</a>:
[QUOTE]Well a lot of things on here that most people claim rude on the knot are not problems or heard of where I live...so get over it :)
Posted by jahjbmr[/QUOTE]

Saying something shitty and ending it with a smiley face still makes you an asshole. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" />

Blondy214 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bm-about-her-date-and-seating-at-the-head-table-during-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a0b3526c-0fc4-451b-b87b-307a22bbd28dPost:fa059ea4-1aca-4626-aa3f-eb87864db3dd">Re: BM ? about her date and seating at the head table during reception??</a>:
[QUOTE]The wedding party should be seated with their SOs. <strong>This is my BIGGEST peeve about weddings</strong>. Why does your photographer need to take photos of the WP at the head table? Aren't you going to have enough photos of them other places? And even he/she is taking photos at that point, it doesn't matter if the dates are in the pics as well. It's dinner, not a staged photo opp. FWIW, we had a captain's table with about 25 people at it, which included our WP, their dates, H and I, and 3 kids that were in our WP (their parents were also at the table). It worked fine. Our photog. took photos of that as well, just as part of capturing the ambiance of dinnertime, and it worked out fine that the dates were in the photos. Again, this isn't staged, this is the more casual part of the evening. It would be hella awkward for this poor guy to have to sit with people he doesn't know. Even though it's "just dinner", he's already spending most of the day by himself while your BM is involved in the pre-ceremony, ceremony and post-ceremony activities/pictures. At least let them sit together for dinner.
Posted by Meegles4[/QUOTE]

<div>This.</div><div>
</div><div>I went to a wedding about a year ago and FI was in the BP. I had to sit at a different table from him and it sucked for both of us. The people I was sitting with were a bunch of his friends, so I knew them, and it still sucked. So I imagine it would suck even more to have to sit with people that you don't know. I thought it was extremely inconsiderate of the bride and groom to do. </div><div>
</div><div>Either make room for the boyfriend at the head table, or don't have a head table. Or even allow your BM to go sit at his table with him. Don't split up couples. </div>

MrsMack10612 · July 2012

I guess we're doing what you'd call a modified head table. Me, FI, BM, his FI and MOH and her FI.

All other wedding party members will be scattered about sitting with other friends and family.

FI didn't like the idea of a sweetheart table and we had too large of party to do a head table and include SOs. This was the best possible compromise. Everyone gets to sit with their dates.

GinaV0822 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bm-about-her-date-and-seating-at-the-head-table-during-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a0b3526c-0fc4-451b-b87b-307a22bbd28dPost:13bcb94b-c00f-48ef-aead-0b4b3e83a0eb">Re: BM ? about her date and seating at the head table during reception??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: BM ? about her date and seating at the head table during reception?? : Well in the case of the GMs wife, you knew her preference and were able to accomodate it. I honestly believe that it's the exception to the rule though. That's why a lot of people have problems with head tables actually. Like, "ooooooh they are so important up there eating on a stage" so maybe she felt like she would be imposing and there is no reason to feel like that. <strong> If SOs were included in the head table more often, people wouldn't think anything of it.</strong> OP can start a trend in her area. I've already had at least one guest from my wedding saying she was going to do that at her wedding. Courtesy is contageous.
Posted by andrea2473[/QUOTE]

<div>Very true. I think it's just what you're used to seeing. And when you're at a wedding and know a lot of people, dinner is not that long and you can be with SO the rest of the night. So I never thought much about it. I'm sure there were other people that may have been uncomfortable if they felt out of place without the SO. I do think if that had been the norm at the weddings I've attended I'd probably be on the other side of the fence. </div>

aragx6 · July 2012

I've never been to a wedding without a head table and it still didn't take long for me to figure out how awful they are. FI has been sat alone or with my mom on a number of occasions and one of the first things that came up in our wedding planning was that we refused to split up our wedding party and their dates.

secondtimemob · July 2012

In my area, head tables without SO's are also very much the norm. In fact, I haven't seen the dates of WP members at a head table since 1984. I think the rehearsal dinner is a great place to introduce everyone's SO. If they truly don't know another soul at the wedding the next day, they at least have met someone to sit with and eat dinner. While it might not be ideal, how many people aren't capable of making light dinner conversation with new people for an hour? They don't get to stand up at the altar with their bf/gf during the wedding because they are lonely. I feel it is just one thing that goes along with being the date or spouse of someone who is in the wedding when you are not. It's not a really big deal.

GinaV0822 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bm-about-her-date-and-seating-at-the-head-table-during-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a0b3526c-0fc4-451b-b87b-307a22bbd28dPost:ce2f94fa-fb7e-4813-b5fd-b95a3ddf8b06">Re: BM ? about her date and seating at the head table during reception??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: BM ? about her date and seating at the head table during reception?? : It's not just about feeling uncomfortable without your SO. Of course I can make it through a dinner without DH, especially if I know other people. But the difference is in "making it through" vs "really enjoying". DH and I just have more fun together, especially at social functions. Why would you want to make your guests, especially the most important people in the world to the most important people in your life, ENDURE your receeption when you could allow them to really ENJOY your reception?
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

<div>If it was that I was going to be at the head table the entire night or something that's a different story. An hour/hour and a half for me isn't a huge deal. Once dinner is over everyone mingles and it seems the head table is empty the rest of the night. I'd almost prefer not to do a head table quite honestly because sitting at those long tables it's hard to even talk to everyone during dinner. But I don't want a sweetheart table so really not sure what any other option would be than to have a head table. hmmmm.</div>

GinaV0822 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bm-about-her-date-and-seating-at-the-head-table-during-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a0b3526c-0fc4-451b-b87b-307a22bbd28dPost:eb9eddd8-2074-4d92-9a96-21ce0797a4d8">Re: BM ? about her date and seating at the head table during reception??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: BM ? about her date and seating at the head table during reception?? : <strong>Yes, but for an SO it's not just "dinner". It's everything from the time the WP member joined the group for getting ready/pics/etc up until after dinner. So, you're usually talking 6 or so hours of flying solo before a couple of hours with your SO.</strong> As for other options, you can do a table with you, FI, your Moh and her date, and DH's Best Man and his date, then sit the rest of the WP near you with their SOs. I've also seen couples eat with their parents or with their siblings and likewise seat the WP nearby either together at a table with their SOs or among the other guests with friends.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Didn't really think about that! For us we only have 2 SO's that won't be included and one of the wives is the one that didn't want to be up there. And those two SO's are great friends so they can keep each other company. The other's SO is in the WP and 2 of the BM won't have a SO. So for us it should be pretty simple. </div><div>
I'm gonna talk to FI and see what his thought are on head table or just including MOH/BM and having the others at a table close by. It's a pretty tight fit table wise so they would be very close to us. FI and I never really thought about not having a full head table. I don't think he'll go for it, but we'll see. Thanks for the suggestion.</div><div>

</div>

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bm-about-her-date-and-seating-at-the-head-table-during-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a0b3526c-0fc4-451b-b87b-307a22bbd28dPost:8acb16dd-0a91-48b7-a77b-539d54d4bb68">Re: BM ? about her date and seating at the head table during reception??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: BM ? about her date and seating at the head table during reception?? : If it was that I was going to be at the head table the entire night or something that's a different story. An hour/hour and a half for me isn't a huge deal. Once dinner is over everyone mingles and it seems the head table is empty the rest of the night. I'd almost prefer not to do a head table quite honestly because sitting at those long tables it's hard to even talk to everyone during dinner. But I don't want a sweetheart table so really not sure what any other option would be than to have a head table. hmmmm.
Posted by GinaV0822[/QUOTE]

Like Stage said, it's not just dinner. The last wedding I went to, my husband was a GM and he did pictures both before and after the ceremony. So I obviously sat through the ceremony by myself. Like you said, that's NBD. I was engaged in paying attention to the ceremony, not mingling with other people. Cocktail hour alone where I knew no one else? A little rough. THAT was an hour. I ended up seeking out a few people I had met at the RD and making small talk. So yes, I was VERY thankful I was sitting next to my husband, at a captain's table, for dinner. The bride at that wedding was also VERY glad I sat her with her then-boyfriend at my own wedding, when he was a GM. We decided to go the sweetheart table route, and sat our wedding party throughout the room at tables of people they knew. They had a great time that way!

ETA: The sweetheart table was great. We didn't feel on display, and when we were up and talking and thanking people and dancing, we didn't have to worry about leaving anyone else alone at the table. We also got to eat first. :) It was also quiet. My husband liked it better than the captain's table at the other wedding, since we could only talk to the people directly next to us in that case. The sweetheart table was intimate, and everyone else got to sit at traditional rounds.

Oh, and OP, my photographer didn't take photos during dinner. It's just people eating. She took a 10-15 minute break and ate her own meal during that time.

RebeccaB88 · July 2012

No way, no how will I be doing a head table. They are the freaking *loneliest* places on earth.

I've only been in one wedding with a head table (others had open seating), and it was my own sister's (mom decided there would be a head table). Worst. Reception. Ever. I got to sit in between two groomsmen I'd never met before (they weren't at the rehearsal), and who had no interest in talking to anyone, let alone me. My sister and new husband were in their own little world. I got to eat my meal (which I didn't like and was served cold) in almost silence, watching my family at their tables laughing and talking and having a great old time. What I wouldn't have given to have been seated there, so I could have had fun too. (I didn't have an SO at the time, and I was under no circumstances allowed to bring anyone.)

Yeah, Mom doesn't get to make this decision at my wedding. It's a hill I *will* die on.

BM ? about her date and seating at the head table during reception??

Re: BM ? about her date and seating at the head table during reception??

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