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Blending families and the exes... long

JennaHRJennaHR member
First Comment
in Second Weddings
 Hello all,
    So a little back history... FI and I have been dating for over 3 years, engaged since March. I have two girls (5/6) and he has a daughter (5). He moved in with my girls and I after the proposal, and obviously we spend alot of time together, and he with my kids. Still, I can count on one hand the number of times I have met his daughter. His ex requires that she or her mother be present at all visits with him (keep in mind, this is not court ordered, but was made the staus quo for them back when she was an infant). He rarely gets to see her, as it all depends on when his ex has time to fit him in.
    Yesterday was father's day, and he had to call his own daughter. I'm so frustrated over this for a few reasons... 1) I love my Dad to pieces, and to me there is nothing like a dad and his daughter. I can't imagine how one can justify keeping a child from their father. (My ex is a serious mess, and he still gets more time with our girls than FI gets with his.) My 2nd issue.... I know how amazing my FI is. He is the best thing that could have happened to my girls and I. and 3) My girls are itching to know their future step-sister. We are a very happy, healthy family, but somehow FI's ex thinks it unreasonable to allow FI visits alone.

  Anyone dealt with this before? I know I can't say anything. I have encouraged him to out-right ask for a visitation schedule, but he's afraid that if he pushes too far, he'll lose what contact she does allow. Also, I don't think that FI's ex is some awful woman. As far as I can tell, she's a nice girl who does very well for herself and her daughter. I just don't understand.
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Re: Blending families and the exes... long

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    ltykaltyka member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Are you on good terms with FI's ex?  Could you nicely approach her and ask if, since the little girl is getting older, you can come up with a better schedule for everyone?  Propose maybe one night a week to begin with?  Or one weekend day if a night is too much?

    It's not right to deprive the little girl of her family.  Your FI has rights.  If the ex isn't responsive, he might have to push harder.  He owes it to his daughter.

    Kudos to you for helping to make it all happen!
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    nmauser82nmauser82 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    It sounds like this "deal" was made 5 years ago. Things change, the little girl is growing up and he wants to have more time with her. If her mom is unwilling to adjust then he might just have to go to family court to sort it out. He has rights too and needs to assert them.
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    up2something1up2something1
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    If he does have a custody agreement with her then I say he should go back to court and demand his rights as a father. She seems to be treating him not only like a child, but a criminal that cant be trusted with his own child. Noone deserves that kind of treatment. Not him, his daughter or you and yours. Its just not fair. Ive seem my boyfriend bend over backwards just so his ex doesnt cut off his time with his kids and its awful. Ive even seen her show up and rip them out of his custody. They however to not have a legal agreement between them, which imho i dont agree with.
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    right1thistimeright1thistime member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Jenna - I reread your post twice to be sure I wasn't missing something.  But here's what I see.  I see YOU longing for him to have visitation with his daughter (and referencing YOUR relationship with YOUR dad), and him shrugging it off because if he asks he MIGHT lose what he already has.  He's the parent, and if he's not willing to even ASK-- I would bet a billion bucks she's not going to offer.  

    Think about it, they were apart when the child was an infant.  (I'm speculating here) If he were somewhat uncomfortable caring for the infant alone, a normally protective mother is NOT going to leave the infant with him.  Over time, that became the status quo.  The mom (his ex) does all the parenting, and he can't even take the child alone for an afternoon.  The longer this goes on, the more unlikely it is that she will allow it. 

    I would suggest that he would need to be the one who identifies that he (maybe with your help) is more capable of caring for her for extended periods of time, and that he would like to do so.  He should ask first for an afternoon, and all of you go get ice cream or something.  The little girl is going to be uncomfortable as well, thus the suggestion to keep it brief.  As she gets more comfortable, the time can lengthen until she is able to stay the night and then the weekend.    But FIRST - he needs to let his ex know that he is ready to be more than a visitor in his daughters life.  ~Donna
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    Lisa50Lisa50 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_blending-families-exes-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:a67e9d2e-eeee-4728-8aef-57a78f246dacPost:f15a74ce-728e-4168-9849-ae99c83880a3">Re: Blending families and the exes... long</a>:
    [QUOTE]Jenna - I reread your post twice to be sure I wasn't missing something.  But here's what I see.  I see YOU longing for him to have visitation with his daughter (and referencing YOUR relationship with YOUR dad), and him shrugging it off because if he asks he MIGHT lose what he already has.  He's the parent .... But FIRST - he needs to let his ex know that he is ready to be more than a visitor in his daughters life.  ~Donna
    Posted by right1thistime[/QUOTE]

    Agreed.  This is HIS issue to solve, not yours.  Your desire to facilitate more contact between your FI and his daughter is commendable, but at the end of the day, HE must step up and deal with it.  Your best bet may be simply to let him know that you will support the level of contact he ultimately desires with her. 

    Best of luck!
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    melissamc2melissamc2 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    My answer probably isn't going to be the most popular one possible, but I'm answering from a Mother's point of view, not a fiancee's....

    There is a reason this set up is the way it is and there is a reason he's not pushing it.  You weren't around back then, you're only seeing it from your side, and you're looking at it from your (and your fiance's) best interest.  YOU may know how wonderful he is, but EVERY woman AFTER the ex sees the wonderful side of a man.  Keep in mind, he was wonderful to her at some point - enough for her to be comfortable having his child.  There is no way of knowing what truly took place during his PREVIOUS relationship after things went sour - or that caused them TO go sour.

    I'm also probably going to sound like an untrusting wench here, but I'd be very skeptical of a man who not only has no court provisions for visitation, but has no real desire to fight for any.  If he has nothing to worry about coming up to prevent him from being awarded standard visitation, why isn't he seeking it?  Either he doesn't have any interest in having that responsibility or he knows something is there to actually require supervised visitation - which he apparently agreed to at some point.

    Maybe it's just me, but I'd have wanted to know far more about this situation prior to moving him in with my children.

    We're all someone's ex...and we're not all terrible b*tches trying to keep Fathers away from children. Since you've outright admitted she doesn't seem like a terrible person, I'm willing to bet there is a legitimate reason behind this and it may come in the form of a domestic violence issue (the number one reason for uncontested supervised visitation agreements).  I know it's difficult to swallow when you're the new fiance, but sometimes the guy really is at fault to some degree.   I'm not saying that IS the case with your situation, I'm just saying it's very easy to pin it all on the ex when you're seeing wedding gowns and centerpieces in your future.

    If I were you, I wouldn't push the issue you're proposing - I'd push for knowing more about why it exists.

    Good luck.
    10-10-10
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    JennaHRJennaHR member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks for all of the input, You're all right that this is HIS issue to handle. It is difficult for him, and if it weren't something he says he wants, then I wouldn't even bring it up. And in all honesty, we have had our discussions on it, but overall I've backed off since it's my place to support him, not to force him, in any actions.
       Also I would imagine that any changes in his visitation would be progressive and completely within everyone's comfort zone.

    To Melissa,
         I have considered that the history of FI and his ex is likely less than pleasant. Of course I love my fiance, and I have known him for a long time now. I knew him before he was the man I love today, and he was no saint. I haven't directly asked, but I don't know of any domestic violence issues, and I have no reason to believe there were any. 
        Even if they had a hard past together. Even if she is skeptical of his parenting capabilities. He is no danger to his daughter. I am a mother, of girls the same age as Fi's ex, and I am the ex wife of a REAL screw-up (this guy defines it) I understand the need to protect and guide your children (I've been making those calls for all of my kids' lives) Still, in the end a father is a father. And no little girl should be denied a chance at having a daddy. Especially when he's such a good one.

    One final note: The decisions I make for my family are mine to make. I certainly don't come to the internet to have my motives questioned or affirmed. I simply sought advice.  I know the mother I am, and I know the careful deliberation I put into all decisions that affect my children. Most importantly to let FI into their lives and our home.



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    right1thistimeright1thistime member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Jenna - You make the point that only you  know the deliberation you put into decisions.  That is absolutely the case- and therefore when asking for advice, you get people making assumptions seven ways to Sunday.  No one can possibly put all the details into their questions, and no one can possibly anticipate the mindset of the answering posters.  Frankly, I think that is a bonus.  You will get viewpoints that you never thought of, and some that are absolutely not applicable to you.  Rather than take it personally, feel free to dismiss those that are not pertinent. 

    I guess I just don't want you to think you are being attacked or maligned.  Alternative points of view are a healthy way to analyze a difficult situation.  ~Donna
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    melissamc2melissamc2 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I always put the disclaimer in my replies (to things such as this) that I fully allow for the fact that my take on it (or even just my "devil's advocate approach; not so much MY "take" on it) may not apply to your situation.  I did so in my response to you, as well, Jenna.

    When questions of this nature are asked, sometimes a poster needs to see what people from the OUTSIDE of the situation are seeing.  You're right - I'm not going to see it the way you do.  I don't love him, I don't know the ex, and I don't know you.  I'm looking at it from a completely untained, unaffected viewpoint.  That is how I answer.

    If you took it as a criticism to your relationship, your fiance, or your parenting skills...that's very unfortunate, because it wasn't intended.  I'm far more direct in those cases. :)

    I really do wish you luck in the situation.  It appears that you have two full years until your wedding, however, so that's plenty of time to work on things.
    10-10-10
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    JennaHRJennaHR member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
     I do appreciate that there are many different views, and yes it would be reasonable enough to at least question why the ex has taken such an approach to this visitation arrangement.  If domestic violence were the issue, it would make very clear sense as to why the situation is as it is.
        Still, in this case it is more complicated. Some further info: She was young, (Senior in highschool I believe) when she became pregnant, and they split before he or she knew that she was expecting. Her parents were very supportive of her, and he (being 21/22) was in no position in their eyes, or his, to be a father. They made this arrangement out of court so that he could know his daughter while they concerned themselves with caring for her and raising her .
        At the time, I think all parties were making the decision that seemed the best fit, but now it's 5 years later. She is five years old, he is 5 years more mature, and ready and able to be there for her.
       I'm just hoping for both of their sake's that they will be able to have a full relationship without regrets later on.
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    right1thistimeright1thistime member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Jenna - Glad you can see where we are coming from.  I agree with melissa - you have plenty of time to figure this out.  ~Donna
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    thealphabridethealphabride
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Hey Jenna,
    Chiming in late here. He should get a lawyer and get visitation through the courts.

    Does he pay child support? If he's not he should be. He should be approaching the courts and start (if he isn't already) taking care of  his obligation to support his child and requesting visitation as well.

    I totally disagree with a pp about approaching his ex. This is not your business to take care of, it is his.  He should do all the communicating with her.

    Best of luck Jenna, let us know how things go.
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    ivygarlandivygarland member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I would just say this -- a court can figure out what the right thing to do is. If he wants more time with his daughter, and in most states he would get more than what he is getting, unless there was some very obvious and previously brought up reason (which I'm not saying there is, just pointing out what a court would do). 
    I can sorta (although personally I don't think women are naturally better at child care-taking) see why they wouldn't let him alone with an infant, if they were worried at the time, but a 5 year old isn't the same.  

    It sounds like he needs to be willing to submit a legal visitation/custody schedule. Since they weren't married, so there wasn't an obvious time to do it.

    And I agree with you -- daughters need their dads, and they need them to be willing to push the issue to see them.  I wish you all the best.
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