In a rut. How do you cope?

ChevyGirl25 · October 2010

My fiance is in the army and a little over half-way through his enlistment. He's got an incredible work ethic and is typically pretty upbeat, but guarded emotionally when it comes to talking about work stress. But recently he just broke down and admitted how much he hates his duty station and how effed up his platoon is. He keeps me pretty up to date about the happenings on base and with the other guys, but this is the first time he's been this upset about it. He said he's been slightly depressed lately and I've definitely been able to see it.

I've tried to be encouraging and remind him of how much I love and miss him (we're long-distance), but there's only so much that I can do. He keeps saying that if I were there, that'd be one less thing to stress about (which I totally understand as long-distance is difficult at times), but there's got to be more to it. What can I do to help him? Or what are some other options, such as military specialized counseling or something?

Luke&Sam625 · October 2010

I know that in the Navy we have Fleet and Family services that provides free counseling for Active Dute and Dependents. I was feeling much the same way your FI was... I was always so stressed out and upset about work and my coworkers, not to mention being so far away from my FI (6,000 miles), and my family (across the country), and the stress of planning a wedding (in 2 months!!). I would come home and take it out on my FI by picking fights and avoiding telling him things that he had every right to know. We had some pretty awful fights, but He suggested that I go talk to a therapist. At first I was totally against it, but I decided, if I hate it, I don't HAVE to go. I can honestly say that it has helped me so much! I feel like this huge weight has been lifted off of me. I'm sure that the Army has something along the lines of Fleet and Family. In addition to counseling, they provide financial advice, family planning, housing info/help, Deployment support and Separation classes. Thats all for your FI.
To support your FI.. You need to make sure that you are always open and honest. He might not want to tell you things because he doesnt want to shock/worry/scare you. My FI just told me today that he loves how I encourage him and how I motivate him. That made me feel so good!! Be patient with him. Don't get defensive and encourage him to seek help elsewhere if he doesn't start to feel better.
The military doesn't want its servicemembers to be depressed or upset. It seriously effects mission readiness and mission capability.
Hope this helps! Sorry it was so long! Good Luck!!

mysticl · October 2010

I know some of the guys don't like to see a therapist because of the stigma attached to it. The base chaplain is also an option. And military chaplains are used to counseling people who are not of the same faith as them.

Victoria2013 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_rut-cope?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:1cc596e3-ffc2-4d93-826f-40c5c67fdcedPost:802ef936-8bd3-4337-987d-f8f54523cf1e">Re: In a rut. How do you cope?</a>:
[QUOTE]I know some of the guys don't like to see a therapist because of the stigma attached to it. The base chaplain is also an option. And military chaplains are used to counseling people who are not of the same faith as them.
Posted by mysticl[/QUOTE]

<div>Also with the base chaplain some people are less hesitant to go speak with them because they are 100% confidential. So with that he never has to worry about his command finding out.</div>

Luke&Sam625 · October 2010

Chaplains are not 100% confidential either. People tend to forget that. a licensed therapist, a Chaplain or even a doctor, is not allowed to contact your command UNLESS you are a danger to yourself or others, they suspect child abuse, or you admit to being subject to (as the abuser or the abused) domestic violence.

KatyBug513 · October 2010

As much as a lot of the guys don't like to do it, I would see if he's willing to talk to someone. When my friend Alex got back from his deployment, he claimed to be fine and for the most part, acted fine, but there were things I'd notice that would set him off, he'd get really angry really easily, yelled, constantly was picking fights with people, very protective over anything, etc. Finally, I think he realized that if he wanted to keep the relationships he had with the people around him that were trying to help but didn't know what to do he needed to talk to someone and he did and I think it really helped. Sometimes, all they need is just to get whatever is on their mind and stressing them out, out of them, because as most girls know, guys like to hold EVERYTHING in.

randilyn120 · October 2010

I've been in a similar situation while my army fiance was in training in GA and I was living in Hawaii (where we met). Talk about long distance! The best thing you can do is be as supportive as possible. My guy wouldn't want to talk to a counselor ever as he is against the whole idea of it. But if he finds someone he can confide in, a friend, family member, you, whoever... that is more helpful than anything. Maybe he can talk to a coworker that is in the same boat as him. Ultimately, I ended up quitting my job 6 months earlier than planned and moved to GA to be with him rather than wait until his next duty station. I think it worked out for us (we ended up engaged!), but that's not an option that is feasible for everyone. Visit him as much as possible, send goodies/care packages and skype!

amandamong · October 2010

Check out www.militaryonesource.com

They can provide counseling for you and your fiance-the counselors will work together for the two of you.

Also- Lots of good advice for military families on a lot of topics, such as money, children, handling change, long distance, etc!

Good luck & Stay strong!

In a rut. How do you cope?

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