Whiny Venty Vent Re: Proposal

DanieKA · December 2011

Okay, I’m going to try and keep this shortish.

The other day BF and I were in the car after Christmas shopping and he asked “hypothetically” if someone like him were going to propose to someone like me what would I like? Yes, he put it in that awkward phrasing.

To some women, this might be a dream. Yay, a perfectly catered to proposal, but am I being a complete tool in not wanting to orchestrate a proposal? I don’t know, I just feel like I want HIM to put a little thought into it and do what HE feels like. On the one hand, I get it. He’s trying to make me happy. He’s trying to do what I want. I hate the girls that come on here, or get cross-posted from Just Engaged about how they didn’t get their Pretty Pretty Princess proposal and their story isn’t good enough and they’re disappointed. I cringe at those. I don’t want skywriting, hot air balloons, marching bands or surprise trips to Paris. I don’t need that (don’t get me wrong, that would be great. I just don’t need it). But I do want him to put a little thought into it. First, to save myself some sanity. If I suggest 2 or 3 scenarios or “good” ways to propose, I don’t want to be wondering “is it going to happen, is it going to happen, is it going to happen?????” if we end up doing those things. That would drive me nuts.

But I also don’t want him to go completely lax on me and turn to me while we’re watching 1,000 ways to die on Netflix and say “hey, wanna get married?” I guess it comes down to me not caring how he does it, only that he put a little bit of thought and effort into it. HIS OWN thought and effort. Not some day or special date I planned. Whether that’s him cooking a nice dinner in, and asking me then, or him whisking me away for a weekend at a hotel, or him chartering a freaking private plane and flying us to Fiji. I just want it to be his thing and not my thing.

We don’t usually have this problem in our relationship. We’re both pretty decisive about what we want, though I am the more laid back of the two of us. I’m not trying to change him, or make a non-romantic, non-big gesture guy, the opposite. But I can’t help feeling a little bit gypped about this.

Okay, let me have it. Talk me off the ledge with a bit of support on how to tell him to do this on his own. Tell me I’m being a little brat and to take the opportunity while I have it to get my “dream” proposal. Tell me this whole thing is ridiculous and to get over it. Let me have it.

polkadot111 · December 2011

Any way he proposes would be special. Even if it is watching 1000 ways to die on netflix. He's asking you to marry him.

I think by you saying that you need a certain proposal and that he MUST put some thought into it (which by reading what you wrote it sounds like you do expect a romantic gesture- not just a chill evening and him asking you randomly) you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

DanieKA · December 2011

Hey Liv!

He took me off guard. Honestly, I was kind of giggly about it. But everytime he brings up something wedding related I get googly eyed and giddy. The more I thought about it, the it bothered me though. But to answer your question, in the car I said I didn't know, and could I think about it.

[Deleted User] · December 2011

I would just tell him that you'd rather not know how he's planning to propose and that whatever he plans will be special to you because he's asking you to marry him. Then he can feel comfortable that you don't have "high in the sky" hopes for the moment and he can plan whatever comes naturally to him.

DanieKA · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_whiny-venty-vent-re-proposal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:56b0d53f-bc25-4372-8de7-c531ad580045Post:ba2d6959-9449-4351-b3ae-ed4769300fa7">Re: Whiny Venty Vent Re: Proposal</a>:
[QUOTE]Any way he proposes would be special. Even if it is watching 1000 ways to die on netflix. He's asking you to marry him. I think by you saying that you need a certain proposal and that he MUST put some thought into it (which by reading what you wrote it sounds like you do expect a romantic gesture- not just a chill evening and him asking you randomly) you are setting yourself up for disappointment.
Posted by polkadot111[/QUOTE]

<div>This is what I was afraid of. I guess I do have some level of expectation. But since I was never expecting him to move heaven and earth, I thought I had been managing them. Maybe not. </div><div>
</div><div>More backstory, I have to actively keep myself from comparing myself to others. It's not something I've done too much in regards to my relationship. I love our relationship! I love the core we are building. BUT, I do sometimes get a bit distracted and I'll go ahead and say it, jealous of my friends who have all had these amazing proposals. They all either picked out their rings or had a very large hand in choosing it (i,e. here's a choice of three settings. I'd love any of them), and I don't get a choice in that either (long story). </div><div>
</div><div>It's kind of like I'm getting no choice in one respect, and too much choice in the other. At the end of the day I get to spend my life with this man I love. I know this. I am lucky. I don't want any one else's relationship or any one else's man. I LOVE mine! But occassionally, like now, I just wish these two things were just like everyone else. I wish I could choose my ring, and I wish he wouldn't ask me to choose my proposal. It's not a great feeling. </div>

doubleSS07 · December 2011

DanieK - I get what you are saying..my BF is the same way but that's because he's terrible at making decisions. I'm not just talking about a proposal though, I get it for everything...birthday, anniversary, etc. You want him to think up whatever would be special for him and that he THINKS you would love because he knows you and what you like. The element of surprise, even if you know it's coming one day soon, isn't the same if you have to tell him what you want. Besides it's a big day for him too so it should be something special for BOTH of you, not just you.

I agree with PP's to tell him that how ever he chooses to propose you will be happy because he is asking you to spend your life with him and at the end of the day that is what you want to happen. Anything else he plans is just gravy!

csousa1 · December 2011

You can do what I did. BF asked me quite a while ago what kind of ring I liked, what kind of proposal I would like, etc. I told him the design I was the most fond of, and told him to take it from there. For the proposal, I told him that I thought it would be special no matter what, because he was proposing. I said that the most important thing to me would be what he says, rather than where we are or what we are doing/wearing/eating/watching at the time. If we are in sweats and getting take out, but he makes me cry with the kindness and sweetness of his words, then we are good to go.

I agree with polkadot, that no matter what it will be special because it is his proposal to you, but I also understand what you mean. My BF is such a homebody, and not as romantic as he used to be, so part of me fears the lean-ver couch proposal of, "So, wanna do this thing now or what?" If you are anything like me, all that means is that you want to know he feels like this is special too - you want to feel like he is as excited to marry you as you are to marry him. You would hope that would be the case, seeing as he is proposing and all, but sometimes we fear these things.

I think you should tell him what you told us - you want it to be thoughtful and FROM HIM. Tell him you love him and that you trust him to make it special, because he is so special. Tell him you don't want to step on his proposal toes by planning any part of it yourself. He may just be looking for reassurance that you will love it and that you won't be dissapointed by something he plans.

Swazzle · December 2011

I PROMISE you that even if you're just sitting on the couch watching something on Netflix & he proposes then and there that it will be special & perfect for you.

FI asked me to marry him after work one day, we were standing in our bedroom by the window. Fancy? No. Romantic? No. Special? Yes. He asked me to spend the rest of his life with him, how could that not be absolutely amazing & perfect?

You really need to focus on him & you & what he's asking you rather than what you've imagined in your head or what is happening for your friends. He's asking you to marry him, how can that be a disappointment?

lennonkdc · December 2011

Ditto what Liv said.

Just make it clear that you think its really very sweet of him to want it to be your 'dream proposal' but really, as long as he is the one doing the asking, then your dream has come true.

DanieKA · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_whiny-venty-vent-re-proposal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:56b0d53f-bc25-4372-8de7-c531ad580045Post:bb01506c-6ff0-4932-8048-1fc2f5e69c23">Re: Whiny Venty Vent Re: Proposal</a>:
[QUOTE]Why can't you choose your ring? ETA: Most of my circle did not have ANY hand in choosing their rings.
Posted by LivLeighton[/QUOTE]

<div>It's a family ring. He was very close to his grandma. I'm honored he wants to give it to me. That is the truth. Is it what I would choose for myself? Not in a million years. He's told me he would get me whatever I like. But really, I feel like if I say "no" to the family ring, then I'm the b*tch who doesn't want grandma's ring. Also, I don't want to be there girl. He loves me enough to give it to me. I'll accept it. </div><div>
</div><div>Doesn't mean I don't fantasize about picking out my own ring. But I feel like a brat about everything. And I want to be a mature adult (haha. That made me laugh at myself) A ring is nice, but it doesn't make a mariage (she says on repeat in her head). Tons of people have beautiful rings and sh!t marriages. I would always choose a good marriage. I get a bit brat-ish and weak sometimes in my own head though. I'm working on it. </div>

DanieKA · December 2011

YES! You guys are right. As usual. I'm going to talk to him today after work and just tell him I love that he wants my ideas and my input, but that no matter what he does it will be great because it's him asking.

I think we're both overthinking things, which can happen with life changing things. And the funny thing is, I don't have any feeling it's happening soon. Even after all this. Even after we got my finger sized together and he asked me this in the car. I just feel as if we're still a ways off. So I think I'd be super surprised if it happens any time soon, regardless of if I give him any ideas or not. And I really am trying to work on my more superficial side. I grew up in a certain lifestyle, expecting certain things. I learned a while ago, Thank goodness, that stuff doesn't equal happiness. But I do still struggle a little bit, but it's something I'm actively working on. And in general I am good! I might need to cut my time with my more superficial friends for a while. Comparing ring size, the latest anniversary bands, the new luxury car, and designer purse aren't very good for my psyche.

And it would make a pretty hysterical story if he were to ask me during 1,000 ways to die. Has anyone else seen this show? It's crazy ridiculous! I would tell that story to anyone who would listen.

becunning2 · December 2011

I think you've gotten some good advice, and I think it's a good idea to give general guidelines since it's something you do seem to care about. For example, some girls are very private and would NEVER want a public proposal--others love being that center of attention. He's being considerate by trying to get a feel for how you'd like a proposal to go down.

As for the ring... I come from a very different perspective. It's a long story, but I was given a grandmother's ring, and I didn't like it. I felt like I had to take it, but it's not what I wanted. And I never grew to love it. It bothered me. If having your own ring is important to you, you should speak up about it. If you really will accept it gladly and happily, then that's good too. No one wants to be the b*tch who doesn't take the grandmother's ring, but it sucks to be the b*tch who doesn't like it. Sigh.

DanieKA · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_whiny-venty-vent-re-proposal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:56b0d53f-bc25-4372-8de7-c531ad580045Post:8e935740-5629-4b18-b8af-bb4e492245c9">Re: Whiny Venty Vent Re: Proposal</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you've gotten some good advice, and I think it's a good idea to give general guidelines since it's something you do seem to care about. For example, some girls are very private and would NEVER want a public proposal--others love being that center of attention. He's being considerate by trying to get a feel for how you'd like a proposal to go down. As for the ring... I come from a very different perspective. It's a long story, but I was given a grandmother's ring, and I didn't like it. I felt like I had to take it, but it's not what I wanted. And I never grew to love it. It bothered me. If having your own ring is important to you, you should speak up about it. If you really will accept it gladly and happily, then that's good too. <strong>No one wants to be the b*tch who doesn't take the grandmother's ring, but it sucks to be the b*tch who doesn't like it. Sigh.</strong>
Posted by becunning2[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This made me laugh, but it's kind of d@mned if you do, d@maned if you don't, huh? The proposal I feel better about. But I'm going to really think hard about the ring. I really do hate when girls are like, "it's not this, it's not that, it's not big enough, it's gold, not silver or platinum, it's blah, blah, blah" but at the same time, everyone has a preference. Many girls on this board had a very involved hand in their ring. And I think we all know there is nothing wrong with that. Some people prefer platinum, or a bigger main stone, or no diamond at all. We're not bad for having our preferences. </div><div>
</div><div>And I think someone asked how his family feels about it. I'm actually not sure. I know his mom knows he wants to give me the ring (it's her mother's ring). That's another dynamic I'm going to have to figure out. Is it worth it to cause an issue if she cares? If he cares? I dunno. I'll have to figure it out though. I might have to sooner, rather than later considering that it seems like the ball is rolling.

</div>

NurseyK · December 2011

It will happen when the time is right!

If it comes up again.. just gently let him know that while you can't wait for that day, that talking about a surprise only gets your hopes up. Also tell him how much you love him. From that point, drop it and move on.

Breathe!

Grits8812 · December 2011

Honestly I don't think I would complain no matter how my FI proposed to me. He proposed to me in my car, after getting gas. But how he did it was what made it special.

Take what you get.

bethsmiles · December 2011

I know I'm late on this but I think its important to let him know what your expectations are. I told BF I want a grand, romantic gesture. I wouldn't be happy if proposed while we are watching Netflix. Some girls might be but I wouldn't. As long as he knows my expectations I don't think I'm being a brat and I don't think you are either.

You don't have to give him specifics just tell him what you told us

NotATotalBetty · December 2011

I usually don't post very often, but I feel for you. My BF is very fond of "testing the waters" so to speak, by asking leading questions about the ideal length of engagements, ideal proposals, etc. It really used to irritate me since I know he's NOWHERE near ready to propose (and I quite enjoy being GF to his BF), but I've since learned to take it in stride. He's extremely smart and imaginative, but when it comes to hypothetical proposals and nuptials, he seems to want to know every stray thought that crosses my mind. Sometimes I wish he wouldn't put me in such a position, because I'd rather not think about a hypothetical proposal, but as other posters have said, it comes out of love and trying to make sure you are happy (and that you'll say yes!) I think of my BF as a version of those "I'm a planner" types that appear here, only he's not BSC, he's doing field research and gathering intel to possibly employ at his pleasure and convenience somewhere down the line in our relationship. And I'm mostly ok with that. For the record, when he asked about my ideal proposal scenario, I said I had no idea and would be happy with any scenario EXCEPT A JUMBOTRON PROPOSAL. That would be an absolute nightmare for me, and while I wouldn't necessarily change my response, I would not be pleased to be part of such spectacle beaming down from every ridiculously large screen in the stadium/arena. (Shuddering just thinking about it!) I think he got the hint of what not to do at least.

DanieKA · December 2011

Thanks again, ladies! I feel a lot better, both in the fact that I probably am overthinking it and that it's not terrible if I have expectations. Whether they are grand or simple. Thanks for reminding me of that:) I'm going to think about what I really want/expect and just talk to him about it. Maybe give him a loose guide, but nothing firm so I don't feel like I planned it myself, but also so I won't feel disappointed in the end.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

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