Scared for first deployment, post marriage

57rainbows · October 2011

Hey lovelies,

So, we are getting married this coming June. He's an officer in the army, and has not been deployed yet. The unit he was assigned to and just come back when he got out of officer training, so it will be a while before he leaves. We'll be married about a year when he's deployed... give or take since the army likes to make up its own timelines as you all know. (-:

Sometimes I'm nervous because... well, mine months is a very long time! Sometiems I'm so scared that he'll come back a different person than the one I married and love. I'm afraid we won't be connected any more, that he won't love me, that he won't be sensitive or nice, that he'll yell at me, that he'll have PTSD, that I'll spend the rest of my life with someone I wouldn't have married if he was like that in the first place. You know? It sounds horrible to say that out loud but I'm hoping this is a safe place to speak what's in my darkest fears!

I'm not from a military background, so I just don't necessarily know what it's like. Waiting until after he comes back just so I can see what he's like seems both silly and impractical. We won't live with each other until we get married, so I'd be waiting two years to be with him just to see if he changes... that's silly. Anyway, I'm hoping that someone of you who have been married through deployments can help me out.

Just tell me that he came back and you loved each other just as much and he wasn't a total jerk or anything. And if you want you could tell me that what I feel is normal and I'm not a totally irrational crazypants. (-:

I'm not second guessing anything and I have so much faith in him and his character, it's just a little anxiety I'd like to put to rest.

calindi · October 2011

Sometimes deployed service members do come back changed. Sometimes they are the same as when they left. It depends as much on the person as the situations they're faced with while over there. This is usually why we suggest that someone go through a deployment before getting married. It isn't silly or impractical, especially with the fears that you have. I can't tell you they're unreasonable.

I know far worse than the examples you gave - I know of a young 22 year old Marine who got married on Valentines Day last year, deployed a few weeks/months later, and was blown up by an IED in May. He lost both legs and an arm, and the remaining arm has to be amputated during surgery. He has gone through extensive therapy, and obviously will have major psychological issues to tackle as well as immense physical challenges. I also have a close friend who is a 2009 West Point grad. He has already lost 2 classmates in combat, and one of his close friends lost both legs and one hand. I know that the military lost more service members to suicide in the past two years than died in combat.

I know you're already scared, and I'm not saying this to be a big meanie - I'm saying that if you have these fears now, when he deploys you'll be a wreck. And you'll probably resent him for putting you in that position by his career choice. And that won't be good for your relationship, whether or not he comes home safe and normal (and most likely, he'll be fine. Statistically, he has a better chance in Afghanistan than in the US - the mortality rate for men age 18-30 is lower on deployment than the general American civilian population, if that helps).

Like you, I will be getting married before he ever deploys and it might be several years until he deploys for us. But I'm not scared of those things. If I was, I'd wait. I've realized that he's a strong person and will always love me, and that we'll get through whatever comes. If he's got anger issues and PTSD, then he'll need help and love and therapy, and I'll be there with him through all of it. If he's injured, then I'll be his caregiver as much as I possibly can and support him through his recovery, emotionally and physically. If the worst happens and he's no longer with us, I'll know that he loved me and that I loved him and will try my darndest to move on with my life as he would want. And that no matter what happens, it came as a result of him loving his country, and I can live with that. That's really all any of us can do, and as a military spouse, that's something that I think you'll need to fully believe in to function.

crownsuperstar · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_scared-first-deployment-post-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:7d1e43ad-490a-4b90-9576-1e16aa5fcd7cPost:53863e1a-da70-4d8a-ae6f-16599986247f">Re: Scared for first deployment, post marriage</a>:
[QUOTE]Sometimes deployed service members do come back changed. Sometimes they are the same as when they left. It depends as much on the person as the situations they're faced with while over there. This is usually why we suggest that someone go through a deployment before getting married. It isn't silly or impractical, especially with the fears that you have. I can't tell you they're unreasonable. I know far worse than the examples you gave - I know of a young 22 year old Marine who got married on Valentines Day last year, deployed a few weeks/months later, and was blown up by an IED in May. He lost both legs and an arm, and the remaining arm has to be amputated during surgery. He has gone through extensive therapy, and obviously will have major psychological issues to tackle as well as immense physical challenges. I also have a close friend who is a 2009 West Point grad. He has already lost 2 classmates in combat, and one of his close friends lost both legs and one hand. I know that the military lost more service members to suicide in the past two years than died in combat. I know you're already scared, and I'm not saying this to be a big meanie - I'm saying that if you have these fears now, when he deploys you'll be a wreck. And you'll probably resent him for putting you in that position by his career choice. And that won't be good for your relationship, whether or not he comes home safe and normal (and most likely, he'll be fine. Statistically, he has a better chance in Afghanistan than in the US - the mortality rate for men age 18-30 is lower on deployment than the general American civilian population, if that helps). Like you, I will be getting married before he ever deploys and it might be several years until he deploys for us. But I'm not scared of those things. If I was, I'd wait. I've realized that he's a strong person and will always love me, and that we'll get through whatever comes. If he's got anger issues and PTSD, then he'll need help and love and therapy, and I'll be there with him through all of it. If he's injured, then I'll be his caregiver as much as I possibly can and support him through his recovery, emotionally and physically. If the worst happens and he's no longer with us, I'll know that he loved me and that I loved him and will try my darndest to move on with my life as he would want. And that no matter what happens, it came as a result of him loving his country, and I can live with that. That's really all any of us can do, and as a military spouse, that's something that I think you'll need to fully believe in to function.
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

Ok am not sure what is up with my mouse and not being able to bold or hightlight but C- you last few lines are just wonderfully said. Thank you!

firsttimersluck · October 2011

Oh goodness, yes. When H came back from deployment we were inseperable. He had changed a bit, but he changed back after some time of adjusting back home. We still were just as in love with each other as when he left... or way more so!

http://hooah4health.com/deployment/familymatters/emotionalcycle.htm

These are the 7 stages of deployment. Read them. Write down how you feel about each one... What you can expect knowing YOU and knowing your Fi, what you don't know about, etc. Sit down with him and talk about it. See what he thinks. H and I sent e-mails back and forth about these "stages" while he was deployed. It really made us know what to expect, and because we were so aware, the post deployment stuff wasn't bad at all!

I will tell you from personal experience, IMO pre deployment is the worst. It's this looong drawn out build up because it's your first deployment so you don't know what to expect and it's the only thing you can think about. At one point I remember thinking, "just hurry up and go already!!!" Not because I wanted him GONE, but because the build up was so much that I wanted him to go so he could hurry up and come back to me.
It's scary. It's scary if you don't know what to expect. Just do the research (you can find anything on google) and you will at least know what you WILL feel and that it is normal.

I disagree with Calindi's comment saying, "if you have these fears now, when he deploys you'll be a wreck."
I had those fears before deployment, and I DO come from a military background, but I just channelled those fears into research and personal goals. When H got over there and settled and was able to contact me (skype or email) I felt much more at ease. It made it real that he was going to be over there for a while, and there's nothing I can do about that, so let's just chat like we normally do! Whenever I missed him I wrote him a letter in the mail, or sent him a care package. They love getting little things, even cards and letters. Anything physical that they know you once touched, and thought of them enough to send!

For now, you have plenty of time. PLENTY of time, so this isn't really something I would stress at the moment, but if you are, just be open with him about it, and talk about it.
Be careful who you talk to about deployment though, if you have some fears that could be made into worse anxiety. An infantry Marine like my buddy that jumped around the desert to step on IEDs for fun because their machines to find them broke, will not make you feel better with his deployment stories, BUT what he was doing, and what my H as a pilot in the Navy was doing. They are two VERY different things, and I had to remember that, or those types of stories can just eat you up with fear and anxiety!

Also, know that this board is here, and if you don't want to talk to the entire board, you can "private message" anyone. Most of us have gone through a spouse deployment 1 or more times, many have deployed themselves (we have quite a few Active Duty women here, or former AD women!) and we will do our best to answer your questions honestly and to the best of our knowledge.

Welcome to the board.

How did you two meet? What college did you guys go to? Majors? :]

matcha · October 2011

My FI is currently deployed and I have two good friends that are also deployed. For me, it goes through good and bad times. There are times where FI is able to Skype with me multiple times a week and we stay connected. Then there are times where he has to go off-grid for stretches of time and I don't hear from him. Sometimes he's moody and can't talk about a lot of things. Sometimes he's super happy and being silly. We do everything we can to stay connected and tell each other as much of the boring details of everyday as we can.

My friend is a little different. He picked up a lot of bitterness and chain-smoking, which is really different from the guy I knew. Yet, once we get talking, he comes out of his shell a bit more and I can see the old him underneath the stress and exhaustion.

It is a challenge. It takes a higher level of dedication on both sides to make things work, but IT CAN WORK. And it can make you stronger. Stay committed, stay dedicated, and communicate as much as you can.

kyrgyzstan · October 2011

We can't tell you it'll be perfect. Sometimes it isn't. Mostly it isn't. Usually it's simply an adjustment for both parties. Often spouses are so excited to have their SM home that they get overbearing. Sometimes deployments are quick and easy, sometimes they're not. It can depend only on the time apart, or it can depend on what actually happened during. So many factors. But it's not normal to worry all the time about it not being okay when he gets home. Have you talked to someone professional about this anxiety?

ETA: Getting shot at makes you different. Shooting someone else makes you different. It has to, if you're human.

meghanator · October 2011

I know I may be new to the knot and to this forum, but I'm not new to deployments and the girls made some great points.

@ Firsttimers.. I feel the same way everytime FI tells me of a deployment and I always joke "Just leave already so you can come back!" but really, it's how I felt about it. Haha. But, what you said made me feel at ease and I don't even have a deployment to deal with ATM.

But, during my first deployment, I wish someone would have given me that same advice.

@57 Rainbows... you're definitely not crazy for having worries and doubts. Perfectly normal. BUT, rather than driving yourself crazy over fears of what you THINK might happen, educate yourself a little bit. Just like you FI has to train and prepare before a deployment, in a way, you do too. The worst thing he can do is worry about you even more than he's (naturally) already going to, while he's over there. Definitely open up to him about things, keeping it in is a bad thing.

Send him care packages, things that you know will get a laugh or a smile out of him, send pictures of things like... friends, family, you, the pets, I know I did and he always told me he felt like he had a part of home with him. Skyping was the best thing we had. Though we didn't get to often, just seeing his face and seeing that he could smile and laugh with me considering the circumstances and where he was... made me feel more at ease. I told myself, if he can be over there in a situation like that and keep a smile on his face, I sure as hell can be over here where I know I'm safe, and keep a smile on my face. I signed up for this the moment I fell in love with him and I knew that and no matter how much I hate the fact I share him with the Marine Corps, I wouldn't change any of it.

He might not come back the same way he left. Its going to take a while for him to re-adjust and that's completely understandable. I know when FI came back, he jumped when he heard loud noises and he'd have his moment but, I supported him through his transition and he's fine. He's not a jerk, or mean or mad all the time. He's the same guy I fell in love with and we definitely grew closer and no, his love for me never changed. If anything, I think it makes him fall in love with me even more everytime he comes home because he knows he found a woman that can support him and is waiting on him to come home and is understanding of his current career path and is able to hold her own while he's away. You don't know how important that is.

OK... done ranting

calindi · October 2011

Okay, I feel the need to clarify - it isn't that he will or won't come back the same. As others pointed out, there's always transition even in the best cases. And just because someone else's guy is fine or not fine doesn't have anything to do with your guy. Every situation is different. The whole process is stressful, and you need to know how you'll deal with that stress. Some people become closer, some push each other away. If I had a nickel for every relationship that ended immediately before, during, or right after a deployment, I'd be able to retire. Finding out he's leaving causes stress, adjusting to him gone causes stress, readjusting when he comes back causes stress. You have to be prepared to deal with all this stress and be comfortable with the situation. Learning about it will help, and if it's truly a point of anxiety, talk to a therapist about it.

And I do fully believe that you have to comfortable with the idea that maybe he WON'T come back the same, and that's okay. A lot of people who are deployed do change in many ways, both good and bad, some temporary and some permanent. I think it's really important to either know what you're getting into or be okay with whatever outcome happens. Because no matter how many people tell you that their guy came back fine, there's always one who doesn't. And there's no way to guarantee that your guy will be one of the ones to come back fine. Stuff happens, that's life. They could get hit crossing the road one day going to their boring desk job - life changes people, and the military just happens to throw a whole lot of life at you at once.

kyrgyzstan · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_scared-first-deployment-post-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:7d1e43ad-490a-4b90-9576-1e16aa5fcd7cPost:d4094299-34de-4c05-9e64-4cf3f67664bc">Re: Scared for first deployment, post marriage</a>:
[QUOTE]... is understanding of his current career path and is able to hold her own while he's away. You don't know how important that is. :) OK... done ranting
Posted by meghanator[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree with this. It's SO important for the SM to know that their loved one is okay back home. That's why I suggested counseling now to help with your anxiety. Your FI can't give his job 100% if he's worried about you handling his deployment. I know H is grateful that while I'll miss him, I'm psyched for him to go. A combat fit rep is great for promotion, I can focus on my stuff, and we can max out the Savings Deposit Program (10% interest?! Heck yeah). That's what I focus on. Not him coming back different though his last deployment was an adjustment for him, not him getting hurt, none of it. </div>

SamiJoeB · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_scared-first-deployment-post-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:7d1e43ad-490a-4b90-9576-1e16aa5fcd7cPost:7fb21bca-a474-4353-a35a-eac19413afec">Re: Scared for first deployment, post marriage</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Scared for first deployment, post marriage : I agree with this. It's SO important for the SM to know that their loved one is okay back home. That's why I suggested counseling now to help with your anxiety. <strong>Your FI can't give his job 100% if he's worried about you handling his deployment. I know H is grateful that while I'll miss him, I'm psyched for him to go.</strong> A combat fit rep is great for promotion, I can focus on my stuff, and we can max out the Savings Deposit Program (10% interest?! Heck yeah). That's what I focus on. Not him coming back different though his last deployment was an adjustment for him, not him getting hurt, none of it.
Posted by WishIcouldbeinthe'stan[/QUOTE]

This is how you have to look at it. It's his job. This is what he was trained to do. Any of us could get hurt at any time, doing our jobs. I work at a gym, a piece of equipment could fall over and break my arm. Hike is a teacher, some kid could stab her in the leg with a pencil. C works in a office with a psychotic boss, he could "fall" down a flight of stairs and she may have broken a nail helping him. I hope none of those things happen to any of us, but that's reality. The reality is that we as SO's of SM have chosen to be in committed relationships with these men and women in uniform. You can't let your worries and fears get the best of you. When people ask me if I'm worried about H, I tell them that he's on a base in another country and that I worry only as much as I need to. He's doing his job, and he was trained well for it. Trust that your FI has been well trained, that he's taking care of the Soldiers in his unit, and that they are taking care of him. No one wants to leave someone behind on a deployment, and they all do everything in their power to bring everyone home.

As far as him coming home "the same", IMO, deployment changes people. You'll change, and so will he. There will be good and bad days for both of you, and the hard part is being without each other on those days. I try to learn something everyday, a new word, phrase, website anything, those are little changes. I mean, if you took the military out of the equation 20 years from now would you be the same person? No because life happens. Like C said, the military just throws a whole lot of life at you at once.

emilye1227 · October 2011

I'm not going to lie, sometimes deployments change people. I watched my best friend's marriage end because of a deployment and how much her ex husband changed. They couldn't work through it. I'm a perfect example of the opposite though. We went through a 10 month Afghanistan deployment, and while we were only dating at the time, we came out stonger on the other side. I love Erick enough that any problems we encountered along the way were worth finding a way to fix. We both realized how much we need and want to be in eachothers lives. When he was gone, I made sure that the only thing he worried about was himself and coming home safely, no matter what was going on here or how hard things were for me, he thought everything was fine! When he needed to talk about things he saw or did, I let him and I never let him know how scared it made me. I would get off the phone with him and cry for hours but he never knew that. I will agree with PP that a deployment will change you both but that's not necessarily a bad thing! The best thing you can do is just be 110% supportive before, during and especially after! While I pray everyday that Erick won't have to go back, I know that if he did, as hard as it would be, we would make it through that too!

ggirl2001 · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_scared-first-deployment-post-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:7d1e43ad-490a-4b90-9576-1e16aa5fcd7cPost:f66a1b8a-d081-48ba-bf82-1aef0eee553f">Re: Scared for first deployment, post marriage</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Scared for first deployment, post marriage : This is how you have to look at it. It's his job. This is what he was trained to do. Any of us could get hurt at any time, doing our jobs. I work at a gym, a piece of equipment could fall over and break my arm. Hike is a teacher, some kid could stab her in the leg with a pencil. <strong>C works in a office with a psychotic boss, he could "fall" down a flight of stairs and she may have broken a nail helping him.</strong> I hope none of those things happen to any of us, but that's reality. The reality is that we as SO's of SM have chosen to be in committed relationships with these men and women in uniform. You can't let your worries and fears get the best of you. When people ask me if I'm worried about H, I tell them that he's on a base in another country and that I worry only as much as I need to. He's doing his job, and he was trained well for it. Trust that your FI has been well trained, that he's taking care of the Soldiers in his unit, and that they are taking care of him. No one wants to leave someone behind on a deployment, and they all do everything in their power to bring everyone home. As far as him coming home "the same", IMO, deployment changes people. You'll change, and so will he. There will be good and bad days for both of you, and the hard part is being without each other on those days. I try to learn something everyday, a new word, phrase, website anything, those are little changes. I mean, if you took the military out of the equation 20 years from now would you be the same person? No because life happens. Like C said, the military just throws a whole lot of life at you at once.
Posted by SamiJoeB[/QUOTE]
I freaking love you for that.

SamiJoeB · October 2011

And I Love you!!

katyj25 · October 2011

DH is curently deployed and has been for some months now. We got married this past June and I can honestly say that our relationship has never been stronger. I love him more and more each day and he says the same about me. We are luckily able to speak on a daily basis (often 3 times a day). DH is the same quirky person I met and married and I don't see him ever changing. I am sure we will be inseperable when he comes home for leave as well as post deployment.

calindi · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_scared-first-deployment-post-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:7d1e43ad-490a-4b90-9576-1e16aa5fcd7cPost:f66a1b8a-d081-48ba-bf82-1aef0eee553f">Re: Scared for first deployment, post marriage</a>:
[QUOTE]C works in a office with a psychotic boss, he could "fall" down a flight of stairs and she may have broken a nail helping him.
Posted by SamiJoeB[/QUOTE]

Don't worry. I won't help him if he falls down.

I love you BOTH <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-laughing.gif" border="0" alt="Laughing" title="Laughing" />

kyrgyzstan · October 2011

The problem with advice that says, "My H hasn't changed at all, we talk on the phone all the time!" is that we can't promise that OP's deployment experience will be the same. If you can talk all the time, then the connection is still there. If you can't talk every day, then what? Connections take work, reintegration can be hard, it's just the way it is.

HugsAndKisses135 · November 2011

I understand where you're coming from. It's not quite the same situation cuz my Fi has been deployed once already. You're not a crazypants. I have a fear that he will fall out of love with me while over there, and change his mind after he gets back. I think we are strong enough to face anything else, so that is my only fear. We weren't together yet during his first deployment, so with this change in the relationship we have there's no knowing how things will be. It's just another form of fearing the unknown. There's no definite answer as to what will happen. There is only knowing that you love this man enough to take that leap of faith and face whatever happens even knowing all the things that might happen.

57rainbows · November 2011

Thanks for the advice guys, and sorry I didn't reply for awhile. Been pretty busy and I wanted to be able to read each of your lengthy replies. (-: This is why I love talking to people that I have things in common with... people love sharing their experiences and advice!

It's not that I'm having anxiety about this or it's going to be a big deal. It's just something that I am a little concerned about; I think it'd be naive to not be. I'm not laying awake at night worrying about it though. (-: I just wanted to voice my worst fears so they're out in the open, you know? Fears look smaller in daylight, plus having you ladies talk about them really helps keep them at their appropriate, small size. Haha.

We met online! He's from MO, I'm from CO, but he's stationed here at Ft. Carson. When he leaves the army we'll settle down in one of our home states most likely. It's a unique challenge to not be able to plan everything about your future w/ your man because you don't always even get to decide what state you'll live in or when he's home. I'm a big planner so that's been a little tough; I like to know where I'm headed. However, i know the most important things, which are that we are headed towards a stronger relationship with each other and most importantly with God. All the other stuff is minor!

It also really helps with my fears that I know for darn sure God will never leave me. Even when Greg is far away, God will still be right next to me.

kyrgyzstan · November 2011

57, have you guys lived in the same place before? Had a relationship while living long term in the same place?

57rainbows · November 2011

No, we won't live together until we're married. Is that what you're asking? Right now we visit each other after work most worknights and spend the weekends together.

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