bridesmaid duty question

mboja1fv · April 2010

A lot of posts and replies hint at this notion that bridesmaids aren't supposed to be responsible for anything except dressing appropriately, walking down the aisle and smiling in pictures. They are only really there to "support" you and shouldn't be asked to do anything.

Please explain how this makes a bridesmaid any different from a guest you have invited to support you on this special day?

I really don't know who is going to handle things like recording all the gifts people give us, or make sure that something isn't forgotten last minute if I can't ask the women in my WP to do them. I thought that was the point of a WP...to help you.

xoxob · April 2010

Your BMs are your best friends, of course you can ask and (hopefully) they will want to help you, but if they say no, you have no right to get mad at them.

Some brides have a very skewed perspective on what they can expect from their BMs, which is, to stand there in their dress on the day of the wedding.

Can you be upset with one of your BMs doesn't make you bridal shower? Yes. Can you get mad at her and tell her she is being a bad BM? No.

Do BMs often throw bachelorette parties for the bride? Yes. Is it a required that they do so? No. A bachelorette party is a gift, as is a shower.

My future MOH lives in LA, I am in NYC. She is my best friend in the world, should I not name her my MOH because she won't be here to stuff envelopes with me? Absolutely not. I would never even ask.

A lot of times, girls come on here complaining that their BMs don't want to talk about their wedding 24/7, or they won't go to bridal shows (they are boring, c'mon), or they don't want to come to floral arrangement appts with them. They really shouldn't be complaining about these things, that's just asking a little much, don't you think?

You shouldn't ask your BMs to do chores. They aren't hired hands, they are your best friends. If your BM says to you, "Can I record gifts for you?" you should say, "OMG! Thank you so much" but you don't want to burden your friends, do you?

katieanne85 · April 2010

weddings dont have to be so complicated that you need a small army of attendaents tat your beck and call.

That being said, They are your friends, freinds often like to help each other, celebrate with eachother, because they like eachother. what more is there?

They are specialer than your other guests because you have a specialer relationship with them.

AutumnFair · April 2010

You posted this at the Wedding Party and you pretty much are going to get the same responses.

A bridesmaid is your closest friends and family, and basically a way to honor the close supporting relationship that you have with the person(s). All the parties and helping are usually done by the WP because they love you and want to do it. But you CAN NOT expect them to do all these things because every person is in a different situation financially, too busy with maintaining their livelihood, or just not interested in wedding stuff (also a bride that yaps none stop about her wedding gets old fast).

The knot's list and many others around the internet are based on advertising, advertisers pays to keep the knot going and if you think that doesn't effect how they write articles then you (along with any other bride out there who believe it is) are delusional. So basically, if you think a bridesmaid is a person to drag around Bridal Expos, helps you plan YOUR wedding, makes you attended EVERY party, plan parties, make favors, etc, you can hire people from www.brideslaves.com.

[Deleted User] · April 2010

Yes, it is their duty to put on their pretty dress, show up and smile. All the rest is just a bonus, being nice gesture. As far as the record keeping thing goes, anyone can do that for you. It is just if you ask them to do something and they don't or can't, please don't "fire" them or go off on them. They have busy lives too and you can't expect them to stop, drop, and roll every time you need them.

Catwoman708 · April 2010

"Please explain how this makes a bridesmaid any different from a guest you have invited to support you on this special day?"

Because it's NOT any different. BMs are still invited guests that just happen to be standing up with you, in a place of honor. They are NOT required to be your servants for the day. All that is truly required is for them to attend the rehearsal, show up properly attired, and be in the photos.

ANYthing extra the BMs do is a favor to you because they are your friends. Favors can be politely asked, but cannot be demanded. And if weddings are their "thing" or they don't want to work at your wedding and just have fun, then because you are THEIR friend also, you would want them to enjoy your wedding along with the other guests.

Your job is to see to the comfort of all your guests, including the wedding party. If you have things you need help with, you plan ahead, simplify, and minimize the last minute details that will need to be done. If you and your immediate family and WP cannot easily do this, then you hire a WP (wedding planner) or day-of coordinator (DOC).

And during the planning process, all those people that offer to help, are overly interested, butt into your plans, or invite themselves - take names and put them to work, lol.

starryskies407 · April 2010

I think an important aspect is talking to the BM(s) at the beginning of the wedding planning process and asking them how involved or not involved they would like to be. It seems most problems occur from brides and bridesmaids who didnt have the same expectation as to what the roles are. Assure them as long as they are there to support you on your wedding day, you will be estatic. Some BMS cant wait to help the bride planning and putting things togheter and really enjoy that and others just want to show up

Many times bms are out of town and simply CANT do all the planning stuff, even if they want to.

I believe your BMs are those people who have shown themselves to stand beside you in life and who are committing to stand beside you in your marriage. By choosing them, you are saying they are honored people in your life. By them agreeing, they are agreeing to support your marriage [note I said married...not wedding!]. This isnt always the case, obviously-but its how I view the position in my idealistic mindset

I personally think that asking them to help you out with stuff day of wedding is appropiate. You should not demand or bark orders, of course. Ive been in weddings where literally all I did was show up and it was sorta weird not to be *helping* the bride in some way on that day. So little things like asking them to make sure you remember something or keeping track of your purse, I think you can ask and most BM would be happy to do it.

As for recording gifts, I am assuming you are talking about at showers and such? Bring a notebook yourself to record stuff, and I can guarantee someone at the shower (maybe a BM, the hostess, mom, friend, cousin, etc) will volunteer to keep track of who gives what. I have never been to a shower where someone didnt offer to keep track of the gifts.
If you are referring to gifts you get in the mail or at the weddins...thats your job to keep track of!

MairePoppy · April 2010

The brides that come on here are complaining about BMs that won't throw an extravagant shower and bachelorette, purchase a budget busting dress that they will never wear again, pay for matching shoes, accessories, and mani-pedis. They complain that the MOH an d/or BMs are not on 24 hour call for the year preceding their wedding dates to offer 'support', attend meetings or appointments with vendors or other wedding related events. They are usually looking for a way to fire their friends for not meeting all their demands.

That is a far cry from asking a BM to record gifts at a shower and I would think most of the BMs would be happy to keep a reminder list for you, if that's what you need. But it should be voluntary. That would fit into the 'supportive' category.

mboja1fv · April 2010

I really wasn't asking why won't BMs throw me an extravagant party(s) .. ew. The wedding is a party enough. I really just don't get the point of having a WP if they aren't going to help (especially with day of stuff...or atleast offer...).

And my WP is fine: it has its own share of special drama but nothing related to being let down by unhelpful BMs.

Why should you feel bad about asking your friends to do something. Maybe they don't understand what they are doing because they've never been to a wedding/in a wedding. I think it's important to be able to communicate with the WP in order to avoid resentment later on. Why can't I send a list of "What I would really appreciate help with"?

Standing with you, wearing appropriate clothing, and smiling in pictures is a silly tradition. No one has really explained what makes the WP distinguished from our other guests who are showing up appropriately dressed, smiling in pictures and celebrating our marriage....am I really not supposed to ask and expect the groomsmen to usher?? If not, I really didn't know that.

And I meant to post this on the Wedding Party board after I read the purpose of this board....oops.

AutumnFair · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-duty-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:afd91f25-9154-430d-8970-23543d15f60fPost:d3518cff-bb95-4d4b-a436-509f01a80ab4">Re: bridesmaid duty question</a>:
[QUOTE]Why should you feel bad about asking your friends to do something. [/QUOTE]<div>You can, but if they turn you down you can't hold it against them or think that its required for them to do it. You first should ask if they had a certain date free, and if they would like to help do whatever. But they are hesitate or say no, you have to be understanding that they do not have to help you. It is NOT a requirement to being a bridesmaid.</div><div>
</div><div>[QUOTE] Why can't I send a list of "What I would really appreciate help with"? [/QUOTE]</div><div>Ok, if you or my friend sent me an email just saying "Hi, what's up ladies? Here's a list I would really appreciate help with?" It basically sounds like you are requiring me to help you. They are NOT required to help you with anything. It is YOU and YOUR FI wedding, no one else. <em>Most</em> girls bridesmaids (or not) will usually ask you what you need help with, then you can send some things that you need help with. The ball for helping doing stuff should always be in the volunteer's corner and if something comes up that they can't make it, you CAN be bummed but you CAN NOT hold it against them. Now, what you can do is have a regular letter going to an INDIVIDUAL that mentions that "if you are interested in wanting to help me with anything, give me a buzz. Remember you definitely don't have to, I know how busy stuff gets." Then DO NOT bother them again, if they want to help, they will then ask.</div><div>
</div><div>[QUOTE] No one has really explained what makes the WP distinguished from our other guests who are showing up appropriately dressed, smiling in pictures and celebrating our marriage....am I really not supposed to ask and expect the groomsmen to usher?? If not, I really didn't know that. And I meant to post this on the Wedding Party board after I read the purpose of this board....oops.
Posted by mboja1fv[/QUOTE]</div><div>Wow, do you read? Because each post EXPLAINED why the WP is different from a regular guest. First of all, most WP attire is dictated by the bride and groom, so if you want to tell you generally what makes the different its that the WP is forced to wear a certain attire. If you want to know why they are chosen in the first place to be in the WP instead of guest then REREAD everyone's responses. You choose them because they are your closest relationships in life, people that you know support your marriage and will probably have a role (may or may not be huge) in how you maintain your marriage. Yes, groomsmen usher the bridesmaids (unless they do an individual line doing boy/girl). Same as the bridesmaid with walk down and the MOH will hold your flowers, that is the ONLY true requirement as a bridesmaid.

</div><div>Let me tell you again, WPs (who are basically honor guests) are different from regular guest by their attire and they are standing up next to the Bride and Groom, while all the rest of the guest are sitting behind in chairs or pews. The reason they have WP is to honor your closest relationships with people that know support your marriage, and will be apart of your life when your married. That is all, any help you receive from them for your wedding planning, parties should be icing. You do have a right to be bummed if they aren't able to help but you should understand that people can be really busy with their lives (realize that we are in a recession each job counts), they are too far away, or they just aren't interested in wedding stuff and you can not think negative to what they aren't able to do.</div>

mboja1fv · April 2010

Whoa. You are kinda mean. I can almost see your bridezilla vein bursting...geez.

I am allowed to ask questions and challenge the tradtional ways weddings and wedding planning are handled.

I have heard plenty of stories from mom's friends about how they never talk to a few of their bridesmaids anymore so I'm not sure that its true that they all will all affect my marriage...I hope they do. And for bridemaids who know nothing about weddings or the ways bridemaids usually act, it may be helpful to provide a list of stuff that usually goes on.

It just sounds so stuffy to say "don't ask anything of the bridesmaids let them come to you." My sister is my MOH and I joke around with her all the time about all the stuff she is going to have to do or how there is the word "maid" in her title...its a joke. Or I call up my best friend - Yo can you help me with this! It's not that big of a deal to ask for help in a way that won't hinder the BM from enjoying the party or take too much time away from their life.

Good grief.

katieanne85 · April 2010

it sounds like you already have it worked out fine then, so why ask in the firstplace? twice?

andy71781 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-duty-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:afd91f25-9154-430d-8970-23543d15f60fPost:bbfa6342-6f66-4f86-a184-84533f2b744f">Re: bridesmaid duty question</a>:
[QUOTE]Whoa. You are kinda mean. I can almost see your bridezilla vein bursting...geez. I am allowed to ask questions and challenge the tradtional ways weddings and wedding planning are handled. I have heard plenty of stories from mom's friends about how they never talk to a few of their bridesmaids anymore so I'm not sure that its true that they all will all affect my marriage...I hope they do. And for bridemaids who know nothing about weddings or the ways bridemaids usually act, it may be helpful to provide a list of stuff that usually goes on. <strong>It just sounds so stuffy to say "don't ask anything of the bridesmaids let them come to you."</strong> My sister is my MOH and I joke around with her all the time about all the stuff she is going to have to do or how there is the word "maid" in her title...its a joke. Or I call up my best friend - Yo can you help me with this! It's not that big of a deal to ask for help in a way that won't hinder the BM from enjoying the party or take too much time away from their life. Good grief.
Posted by mboja1fv[/QUOTE]

I think this is the main area of contention, at least in my mind. I have 5 BMs and 2 MOHs. Each one of them (as well as other people in my life) have come to me and said "How can I help?" I could not imagine planning my wedding without their help and I am uber grateful for all that they do. Each woman and I discussed what they would have time/energy for and decided what was best. For instance, my one BM is in charge of making sure I don't get into fights with my family members during the wedding. Another BM has been instrumental with my flower selection. My MOHs are planning me an amazing bachelorette party this weekend. When you wait for THEM to ask you it makes it a lot more fun.

AutumnFair · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-duty-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:afd91f25-9154-430d-8970-23543d15f60fPost:bbfa6342-6f66-4f86-a184-84533f2b744f">Re: bridesmaid duty question</a>:

<div>
</div><div>[QUOTE] It just sounds so stuffy to say "don't ask anything of the bridesmaids let them come to you." My sister is my MOH and I joke around with her all the time about all the stuff she is going to have to do or how there is the word "maid" in her title...its a joke. Or I call up my best friend - Yo can you help me with this! It's not that big of a deal to ask for help in a way that won't hinder the BM from enjoying the party or take too much time away from their life. Good grief.
Posted by mboja1fv[/QUOTE]</div><div>
</div><div>If you read my post before you would realize that asking is ok, but to state to someone what needs to be done or giving them a list (besides getting a bridesmaids dress) is rude. </div><div>
</div><div>My point is that no wedding should give any bride the right to push their friends or family (who may be bridesmaids) around and expect them to do more than they can offer. I've been in plenty of weddings to know that when a Bride expects her friends to do more than they are capable of be it helping out the Bride with random wedding stuff or planning parties in a certain way, it can really strain a relationship. Like I said before MOST the time your friends/family are excited and because of the relationship they will help you out with or without being asked. But everyone situation is different, sometimes friends/family live hundreds of miles away, or they have a job, or money is tight, which makes it hard for some people to help out the bride, so the more open the Bride is about the "duties" the more happy and stress-free everyone will be.</div><div>
</div><div>[QUOTE]Whoa. You are kinda mean. I can almost see your bridezilla vein bursting...geez. [/QUOTE] Meh, I only find it irritating that you keep saying that no one answered your question. So the "do you read?" part was the only sarcastic comment out of my post, and now I must join the other regular knotzillas in a rampage in Tokyo. lol

</div>

nechi194 · May 2010

I think you have to be sensitive to your maid's needs and try to accommodate them, but I think that part of the deal is at least a tiny little party in your honor. No, you can't ask for it; no, you can't dictate how it runs. But I think many people look forward to a shower or a bachelorette party. Just a teeny one (potluck, even, is ok).

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