Trying not to be selfish....

DolphinsGirl1 · September 2010

Ok.. I might get flamed for this, but i need some help.

My fiance and I spend literally 24/7 together. Sometimes, i just want to get out of the house and hang out with my friends without him, but he always puts a guilt trip on me saying "Do you want me to come?" Then when i say "I just want time with my friends" he gets upset with me and starts an argument and wants to come along, so either i give in and let him come, or i don't go. It's getting to the point where i need to do things without him, because if not its going to drive me insane. I have tried to talk to him about this, and he just gets upset that i dont "ask" him to come along all of the time and then he thinks he is inviting himself. I don't ask him to come because i want to get out without him sometimes. Is that selfish of me to do that?
I don't know how to tell him that i need some time to myself without him getting upset with me....

DolphinsGirl1 · September 2010

No... this is nothing new... this has been happening pretty much a year after we started dating.. I don't know if its controlling issues, but, i had confronted him before about it and it resulted in us breaking up because he blew it up into something that it wasn't. It could be trust issues (I have never cheated on him) but when we were broken up, i had relations with someone else and he got extremely upset about it. Plus... he has been cheated on before. That still is no reason for him to not "trust" me. I'm almost positive that has something to do with it. I just don't know how to make it stop, unless i break up with him, and i really do not want to do that.

zitiqueen · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_trying-not-selfish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:8e98361f-d53b-492c-8b94-6582b4cd68a8Post:7c66767c-3eea-4164-bdf3-5c936f1f29e0">Trying not to be selfish....</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok.. I might get flamed for this, but i need some help. My fiance and I spend literally 24/7 together. Sometimes, i just want to get out of the house and hang out with my friends without him, but he always puts a guilt trip on me saying "Do you want me to come?" Then when i say "I just want time with my friends" he gets upset with me and starts an argument and wants to come along, so either i give in and let him come, or i don't go. It's getting to the point where i need to do things without him, because if not its going to drive me insane. I have tried to talk to him about this, and he just gets upset that i dont "ask" him to come along all of the time and then he thinks he is inviting himself. I don't ask him to come because i want to get out without him sometimes. Is that selfish of me to do that? I don't know how to tell him that i need some time to myself without him getting upset with me....
Posted by DolphinsGirl1[/QUOTE]

You're calling him your FI so that means you're engaged, right? Let me tell you something about needy, clingy, insecure, jealous people. They almost never change. So you really need to think about whether or not you want a lifetime of being surgically attached to this guy. If he doesn't change (I know where my money is) and you decide to go through with the marriage anyway, you’ll only have yourself to blame. Remember that.

nicweaver · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_trying-not-selfish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:8e98361f-d53b-492c-8b94-6582b4cd68a8Post:c4359cfb-5ec1-4f1b-adda-0cbc32a7276f">Re: Trying not to be selfish....</a>:
[QUOTE]No... this is nothing new... this has been happening pretty much a year after we started dating.. I don't know if its controlling issues, but, i had confronted him before about it and it resulted in us breaking up because he blew it up into something that it wasn't. It could be trust issues (I have never cheated on him) but when we were broken up, i had relations with someone else and he got extremely upset about it. Plus... he has been cheated on before. That still is no reason for him to not "trust" me. I'm almost positive that has something to do with it. I just don't know how to make it stop, unless i break up with him, and i really do not want to do that.
Posted by DolphinsGirl1[/QUOTE]

You guys broke up because you wanted to talk about it? Wow, that is very extreme of him to do. It seems like there is definitely trust issues and it's not your fault. I would really think about where this is going. Maybe you should seek counseling if you seriously want to be with this guy, and if he's not willing to change or even see where your coming from then I would rethink your situation.

noodle_oo · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_trying-not-selfish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:8e98361f-d53b-492c-8b94-6582b4cd68a8Post:c4359cfb-5ec1-4f1b-adda-0cbc32a7276f">Re: Trying not to be selfish....</a>:
[QUOTE]No... this is nothing new... this has been happening pretty much a year after we started dating.. I don't know if its controlling issues, but, i had confronted him before about it and it resulted in us breaking up because he blew it up into something that it wasn't. It could be trust issues (I have never cheated on him) but when we were broken up, i had relations with someone else and he got extremely upset about it. Plus... he has been cheated on before. That still is no reason for him to not "trust" me. I'm almost positive that has something to do with it. I just don't know how to make it stop, unless i break up with him, and i really do not want to do that.
Posted by DolphinsGirl1[/QUOTE]

When you say you want to hang out with "my friends" do you mean like a group of girlfriends or a group of mixed friends (men and women).

If he won't let you go out with your girls without him, then yeah, that sounds really controlling and silly.

If he won't let you go out with a mixed group, then I can see why he might feel left out (if there are other guys there).

The bolded part of your post bothered me. This is something that should be figured out before you got engaged. Once engaged, I would never even consider breaking up, so the fact that you say that so easily makes me think you guys don't take the engagement very seriously.

trix1223 · September 2010

Your request is not at all selfish. Your FI is however, displaying signs of being a potential abuser.

The first step is to be sure that you're never anywhere without him. The next step is to slowly but surely cut you off from your friends and family so that you have no one BUT him.

If you are engaged to this guy, I have just 3 words: couples counseling NOW. Because I can promise you, that as ziti said, this isn't going to get better once you're married. It will get worse. And worse. And worse.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who won't let you out of his sight?

I've been married a long time~32 years~and both my DH and I have things that we do separately, and things that we do together. You should too.

Please, if he refuses to go to counseling with you, go yourself. Because you need to find out why you're putting up with his behavior.

marissa_claire · September 2010

You're totally right about this - much like couples need time together, they need time apart. It's not selfish, it's human.

aerinpegadrak · September 2010

I thought your name sounded familiar...

http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_feeling-downneed-advice-vent

DolphinsGirl1 · September 2010

Aerin--- Yes i posted something like this before... I have not gotten really anywhere as you can see....

zitiqueen · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_trying-not-selfish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:8e98361f-d53b-492c-8b94-6582b4cd68a8Post:d0ff1820-9c18-4898-9beb-ae5e27a26a9d">Re: Trying not to be selfish....</a>:
[QUOTE]Part of my problem is... I feel guilty about everything I do and try to make sure everyone is happy but myself. FI knows this. We had a discussion through emails actually two days ago and i was very emotional. Its part of my dad being controlling when i was growing up. I have told FI this. I told him i thought he was acting like my dad and he needs to change or this will not work. He got very upset and told me things would get better... so far they haven't and im not really sure he is trying. But, i do not show my emotions well. AT all. Like i said earlier... i just bottle things up, so maybe thats my fault? I know he is not a mind reader and can't tell what im feeling, but i have a horrible time trying to express it because i don't want to turn it into an argument.
Posted by DolphinsGirl1[/QUOTE]

And he uses it to his advantage because you let him.

zitiqueen · September 2010

Okay, I just read your previous post. What did he say when you suggested counseling? Was he for it or against it?

ETA -- I just finished the second page. How is the counseling going... the counseling that he agreed to go to?

noelle24 · September 2010

I second counseling, at the very least for yourself if your FI refuses to go. I think you need to work through some left-over issues from your dad, and why you have stuck in this controlling relationship with your FI for so long. I would absolutely NOT get married until you and your FI can resolve this issue to both of your satisfaction. GL!

eshaufle · September 2010

You're not being selfish at all. I agree with PP when they say that all couples need time together, time with their friends, and even time just for you (I call this my "me" time and it usually involves watching really bad girl tv lol).

I think you need to talk to him about why he has issues with you going out with your friends without him. If it's coming from a place that stems from him being cheated on a long time ago, I think a heartfelt conversation will clear the air and you can reassure him that you're there for the long-run.

DolphinsGirl1 · September 2010

Advice taken. I will no longer post on here with my issues. Some people may not have seen my post and may have had other opinions. Thank you for your advice. I will go elsewhere if advice is needed. I do appreciate those that were just "stating the facts". I understand that. I will do what needs to be done, and if not i will leave him and find someone that will treat me better. I go to my doctor tomorrow, i will suggest a counselor and get help.

nicweaver · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_trying-not-selfish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:8e98361f-d53b-492c-8b94-6582b4cd68a8Post:f3acc8e5-c44f-4d6c-9301-e2871dbed710">Re: Trying not to be selfish....</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Trying not to be selfish.... : Ditto. I am wondering if she KNOWS this but doesn't really want to BELIEVE it and keeps posting it in hopes that someone will say not to worry about it to get some validation for a controlling, dominating FI. Your FI should love and support you unconditionally (well, unless you're like an axe murderer). If you want to go out with your GF's, go shopping by yourself, go take a walk on your own -- you should be able to do so. You are an ADULT. You don't need to ASK his permission to do any of those things. And if he asks if he's invited, you just say NO. If he won't accept that, then HELLO!!! Get out of that relationship b/c it is NOT going to get any better!
Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]

I couldn't agree any more! Going out with the girls makes coming home to him even better, whether you have funny stories to tell or just miss him.

redheadfsu · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_trying-not-selfish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:8e98361f-d53b-492c-8b94-6582b4cd68a8Post:5cea2ab1-bf11-4c2b-8478-e2808c281c2b">Re: Trying not to be selfish....</a>:
[QUOTE]Advice taken. I will no longer post on here with my issues. Some people may not have seen my post and may have had other opinions. Thank you for your advice. I will go elsewhere if advice is needed. I do appreciate those that were just "stating the facts". I understand that. I will do what needs to be done, and if not i will leave him and find someone that will treat me better. I go to my doctor tomorrow, i will suggest a counselor and get help.
Posted by DolphinsGirl1[/QUOTE]

Please don't shut down. No one was trying to get you to stop posting. They were just pointing out that many of us feel like you need counseling/ put the engagement on hold. The worse thing a victim of abuse can do is turn away/ shut down. Please post if you need to vent/talk. Just say something like "follow-up to my previous post" or something.

I really think your FI is a potential abuser/ is currently an emotional abuser. Please seek help as soon as possible. GL

zitiqueen · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_trying-not-selfish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:8e98361f-d53b-492c-8b94-6582b4cd68a8Post:5cea2ab1-bf11-4c2b-8478-e2808c281c2b">Re: Trying not to be selfish....</a>:
[QUOTE]Advice taken. I will no longer post on here with my issues. Some people may not have seen my post and may have had other opinions. Thank you for your advice. I will go elsewhere if advice is needed. I do appreciate those that were just "stating the facts". I understand that. I will do what needs to be done, and if not i will leave him and find someone that will treat me better. I go to my doctor tomorrow, i will suggest a counselor and get help.
Posted by DolphinsGirl1[/QUOTE]

This tells me you just wanted somebody to pat you on the head and say "There there, you just hang in there, girl; everything will be okay." It doesn't sound like you really wanted advice at all.

Why do you need to suggest a counselor to your doctor? Just go to one! And don't look for somebody else right away. You need to be single for a while -- that means no man in your life to define you at all. You need to find out what DolphinsGirl1 is like all by herself.

megk8oz · September 2010

Ok, I read this and the other thread. OP, there are so many things that just sound bad about this entire situation.

You need to have a life outside of your FI. I will admit to spending a lot of free time with DH ... but dammit, we both need time to breath! He needs "man time", and I need "girl time". It's honestly incredibly unhealthy to never spend any time apart.

This is not a healthy relationship ... in fact, it sounds like quite the opposite. Things like this don't magically "get better" just because you got married ... usually they only get worse. Go to couples counseling (I know you said he agreed to it, now actually go). Immediately.

mkrupar · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_trying-not-selfish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:8e98361f-d53b-492c-8b94-6582b4cd68a8Post:d0ff1820-9c18-4898-9beb-ae5e27a26a9d">Re: Trying not to be selfish....</a>:
[QUOTE]Part of my problem is... I feel guilty about everything I do and try to make sure everyone is happy but myself. FI knows this. We had a discussion through emails actually two days ago and i was very emotional. Its part of my dad being controlling when i was growing up. I have told FI this. I told him i thought he was acting like my dad and he needs to change or this will not work. He got very upset and told me things would get better... so far they haven't and im not really sure he is trying. But, i do not show my emotions well. AT all. Like i said earlier... i just bottle things up, so maybe thats my fault? I know he is not a mind reader and can't tell what im feeling, but i have a horrible time trying to express it because i don't want to turn it into an argument.
Posted by DolphinsGirl1[/QUOTE]

All of the bolded thins point to someone who has been abused (emotionally, if not physically) and is continuing the cycle. Your FI is just like your father. Break the cycle now and find someone who treats you the way you should be treated. If he says things will get better and they haven't, can you trust that they ever will? This is NOT your fault. That's another way abusers hold control over their victims. They make them (or get them into a mindset) believe that it's their fault they were yelled at, it's their fault they were hit. IT'S NOT!! It's the fault of the abuser. A counselor will be able to find a way to get you to talk about your feelings, that's why they counsel. You may think you can't open up, but they will find a way to help you figure out why you are staying with a man who is just like your father. I hope you come to the realization that you deserve better than this and get out. As PP said PLEASE don't shut down. We only want what's best for you.

MikesAngie · September 2010

OP - Take it from someone who has been there done that (got the broken bones to prove it) - GET OUT NOW!!! Controlling men are insecure and will become abusive. They use your sensitivty and low self-esteem to hold you and make you feel like you can't leave, once they've beaten you down emotionally they will cut you off from friends, family and social networking. There is a HUGE chance that he will or could become violent, and nothing good comes of that either. Get counseling for yourself to understand why you feel that you need to be in this type of a relationship - work on building your self-esteem and being healthy and whole BEFORE you commit to marriage or the promise of - please do not get married for the sake of being married it doesn't work!

PM me if you want more information... Seriously GET OUT NOW before he hurts you more.

deepcovejackie · September 2010

OP--Your FI is not going to change. Did your Dad change? Your FI is using your need to please people and be a peacemaker in order to control you. Doesn't sound like you're safe in this relationship. You've been told in two threads. You're not going to get the answer that you're looking for.

Please continue to post here. It's a safe place to express yourself, as opposed to with your FI.

It's way harder to live a life with a man like that than to break it off now, and wait for a relationship that you thrive in.

Good Luck! Please keep us posted on how you're doing.

jmkes · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_trying-not-selfish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:8e98361f-d53b-492c-8b94-6582b4cd68a8Post:5cea2ab1-bf11-4c2b-8478-e2808c281c2b">Re: Trying not to be selfish....</a>:
[QUOTE]Advice taken. I will no longer post on here with my issues. Some people may not have seen my post and may have had other opinions. Thank you for your advice. I will go elsewhere if advice is needed. I do appreciate those that were just "stating the facts". I understand that. I will do what needs to be done, and if not i will leave him and find someone that will treat me better. I go to my doctor tomorrow, i will suggest a counselor and get help.
Posted by DolphinsGirl1[/QUOTE]

This all seemed very familiar reading the OP of this thread. You said before y'all were going to try to take more time apart. It didn't even last a couple of weeks? Glad you are going to get help girl - but it sounds like he's telling you he'll change just to get you to stay. You need to be on your own and you will find someone who doesn't want you either attached at the hip or tied onto a leash - not meaning this in a harsh way, but more of a wake-up call way. GL!

KaylaSue19 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_trying-not-selfish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:8e98361f-d53b-492c-8b94-6582b4cd68a8Post:d23ac4e2-32bc-4c09-9b8c-809715a8278d">Re: Trying not to be selfish....</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Trying not to be selfish.... : You guys broke up because you wanted to talk about it? Wow, that is very extreme of him to do. It seems like there is definitely trust issues and it's not your fault. I would really think about where this is going. Maybe you should seek counseling if you seriously want to be with this guy, and if he's not willing to change or even see where your coming from then I would rethink your situation.
Posted by nicweaver[/QUOTE]

That is not selfish at all. If I was with H 24/7 I would probably strangle him. I agree with all the PP's to think really hard about the relationship. IMO he sounds kind of controlling and must have trust issues .

However, you could start out having the girls over to your place and send him to another room or out with the guys or something. If he doesn't trust you at home I would dump on the spot. H loves when I have the girls over and he can go to the BR and watch a movie im not interested in or play video games.

I am not suggesting living the rest of your life like that though, mearly that it might get him to realize alone time is nice. If a sit down or counseling doesn't get any trust or control issues resolved only you can decide if you want to live the rest of your life like that. I wouldn't be able to.

KaylaSue19 · October 2010

and now as im reading the rest of the post I see that this is a bigger mess than I had first thought. Note to self stop answering ?'s before reading all the posts. Doh!

ootmother2 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_trying-not-selfish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:8e98361f-d53b-492c-8b94-6582b4cd68a8Post:c4359cfb-5ec1-4f1b-adda-0cbc32a7276f">Re: Trying not to be selfish....</a>:
[QUOTE]No... this is nothing new... this has been happening pretty much a year after we started dating.. I don't know if its controlling issues, but, i had confronted him before about it and it resulted in us breaking up because he blew it up into something that it wasn't. It could be trust issues (I have never cheated on him) but when we were broken up, i had relations with someone else and he got extremely upset about it. Plus... he has been cheated on before. That still is no reason for him to not "trust" me. I'm almost positive that has something to do with it. I just don't know how to make it stop, unless i break up with him, and i really do not want to do that.
Posted by DolphinsGirl1[/QUOTE]

yep, I think it is trust issues becaue of his past. He really has to work through them before you get married.

Pre marital counseling? Try it, it may help.

GL

LynnTegan · October 2010

Like everyone else has said... nothing will change with marriage. Why do you want to stay with this guy when he treats you like this?

I had a friend who met a guy in her workforce. They had obvious feelings for each other and she was always a "do" rather than "think" kind of person... first thing he says when she approaches him to advance into a relationship is, "I'll ask you out on the 13th, because 13 is my lucky number." When he said that to her I asked her, "Do you really want to pursue a man-child?"

Turns out they dated and in the 2 months they did, she blew me and other friends off at every opportunity because he "needed" her. The last night I was in town before moving across country she stood with me while I pulled my shoes on, texting on her phone, announced that Mike was having an emergency and had to leave. The emergency? He forgot his lunch at home and couldn't be bothered to figure it out for himself.

And I will be honest, it only got worse after that. Getting married (for all of three weeks) didn't fix it. Having a kid didn't fix it. He doesn't pay child support, and doesn't really care about their kid, and neither does she, because their daughter is half of a guy she can't stand who screwed her over and set her up on welfare for 2 years. She is definitely not blameless, having been blind the whole time, and she could have prevented herself a lot of grief.

It's normal in relationships to have bumps and argue and get angry and take it out on each other... if anything it's healthy, but only healthy if there's closure and commucation. You're not getting either and it's eating you up inside. I say you should leave the guy, cut contact off with him, and move ON with your life... get with a guy who will appreciate you.

A person who understands that 1/2+1/2=1 is nothing special, but when 1+1=1, then you have something special. You are your own person, not someone's property.

nicweaver · October 2010

In Response to Re: Trying not to be selfish....:
[QUOTE A person who understands that 1/2+1/2=1 is nothing special, but when 1+1=1, then you have something special. You are your own person, not someone's property.
Posted by LynnTegan[/QUOTE]

Counld't have said it any better, totally agree.

Trying not to be selfish....

Re: Trying not to be selfish....

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