How long should a couple be together before they get married/engaged?

xweddingbutterflyx · September 2011

I know there's no 'magic' number for how long a couple should be together for before they tie the knot, but with so many of my acquaintances around me getting married so young after only knowing their boyfriends for a short period of time I feel like it just spells out the word 'divorce' (which is all too rampant nowadays whether that be with young couples or otherwise...)...

I've heard lots of people only date for as little as a few months and decide to run off and get married and it's worked out for 30+ years, but I honestly think that that's very few and far between.

In my personal opinion, it doesn't matter how much of a wonder couple you are or how much you spend time together or 'have your own separate lives' that make your relationship 'just work'. I think that 2 years is minimal before deciding to get married and spend the rest of your lives with one another. A year may seem like a decent amount of time, but I think you need two cycles of everything before you can really KNOW the person. Even if you were friends with that person before, the person they are when theyr'e in a relationship with you is quite different I think.
What do you ladies think?

[Deleted User] · September 2011

My personal take is that you know when you know. for some, that may be as few as a few days even, some, it may take 10 years... it's different for every person

Elle1036 · September 2011

Of course age and experience are major factors, but I can't imagine agreeing to marry someone I had known less than 2 years or so.

NurseyK · September 2011

There is no formula for this question. That's what I've got.

polkadot111 · September 2011

I tend to give the side eye to people who have been dating less than a year. However, when you know, you know I guess. So I don't know.

Goldlie11 · September 2011

I'm pretty sure there is no formula. However, I do think that you need to be out of the "peaches and cream" phase. You know that initial feeling where everything is perfect.

jaycee7389 · September 2011

This is another one of those things that I don't feel people have the right to judge. Dating someone for 10 years before marriage can result in a divorce just as much as knowing someone for 1. My aunt and uncle got married after knowing each other for 6 months and have been married for over 30 years now.

Only the couple themselves can judge what is right for them.

BookButterfly · September 2011

[QUOTE]Only the couple themselves can judge what is right for them.[/QUOTE]

I 100% agree with this statement. Every individual is different, every relationship is different, and thus, every "necessary" time frame will be different. Whether that's from three days to three decades is up to that particular couple.

TheMutleys · September 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_long-should-couple-together-before-marriedengaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:2bee1bfb-b1f6-4c9f-bb9f-29c4a951bcc3Post:5055095f-fcb7-41bc-a899-7123668284ac">How long should a couple be together before they get married/engaged?</a>:
[QUOTE]In my personal opinion, it doesn't matter how much of a wonder couple you are or how much you spend time together or 'have your own separate lives' that make your relationship 'just work'. I think that 2 years is minimal before deciding to get married and spend the rest of your lives with one another. A year may seem like a decent amount of time, but I think you need two cycles of everything before you can really KNOW the person. Even if you were friends with that person before, the person they are when theyr'e in a relationship with you is quite different I think. What do you ladies think?
Posted by xweddingbutterflyx[/QUOTE]

I completely disagree with you in terms of your 2 year time frame.

I think that there are many factors that go into it and putting a time minimum on it is ridiculous. There are couples that are together for 10 years that shouldn't have stayed together past a year. There are other couples who know early on that they want to get married. I don't think there is any sort of magical formula that makes a couple immune to divorce.

A) I think it matters how old you are when you meet each other. Two years of time that involves anything before 21 is just enh to me. Two years of time when a couple is in their late 20s is a whole different ballgame.

2) I think it matters how independent you were before meeting. For 99% of situations, I think that both people should have lived on their own, and not in a college situation.

Fluffer Nutters) It think it matters what you go through in your time together. Seasons are not just a function of the calendar when it comes to relationships. A couple could have 2 easy years and that doesn't compare to 1 hard year.

Maybe, I am biased because we got engaged after knowing each other for a year. We met when we were in our late 20s. Our first year was truly insane. Hell, the first 3-4 months, life threw all sorts of sh!t our way. We're approaching our 2nd wedding anniversary shortly, and I can confidently say that we have a very strong marriage. That strength comes from continuing to nurture our relationship and maintaining it on a daily basis. It doesn't come from being together a set amount of time.

I will say that there are times where I will side-eye a couple who gets engaged quickly. However, it is usually because I was already side-eyeing their relationship prior to the engagement.

amyb140 · September 2011

I think a lot depends on age. My H and I were together for less than 2 months when we decided to get married, together for 11 months on our wedding day. I'm 38 and he's 41. I think that's a lot different than being in your 20s.

jaycee7389 · September 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_long-should-couple-together-before-marriedengaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:2bee1bfb-b1f6-4c9f-bb9f-29c4a951bcc3Post:ddc64e86-8243-433b-885a-68ed6dc8c2bd">Re: How long should a couple be together before they get married/engaged?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How long should a couple be together before they get married/engaged? : I agree with points A and 2 up there.
Posted by yaga13[/QUOTE]

<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-tongue-out.gif" border="0" alt="Tongue out" title="Tongue out" />

What about fluffer nutters?

jaycee7389 · September 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_long-should-couple-together-before-marriedengaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:2bee1bfb-b1f6-4c9f-bb9f-29c4a951bcc3Post:df63d27e-b3ad-4ca1-bd41-3378ddb9b1aa">Re: How long should a couple be together before they get married/engaged?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How long should a couple be together before they get married/engaged? : Haha Yes I also agree with fluffer nutters, but I think points A and 2 are more important in my eyes. :P I<strong> just wanted to comment so I could show off my new siggy. :)</strong>
Posted by yaga13[/QUOTE]

YAY! How exciting! FI (yay again) did such a good job with your ring!

xweddingbutterflyx · September 2011

Your ring is really gorgeous! Your fiance definitely has taste and style

TigerlilySabre · September 2011

Eh, I'm really glad to see all of the general sentiments on this thread. For the record, I'm not classifying myself as engaged. I just indulged in the guilty pleasure of looking at a few dresses, tis all. I definitely don't consider my relationship to be that of a wonder couple, I've just had this wonderful experience of really connecting with this person in a way that I never thought would be possible.

Both I and my dude come from homes where our parents were very unhappy. My mother was married several times, my father is unhappily remarried to a lady who makes Cinderella's stepmother look like Princess Diana. My SO's parents were dysfunctional but codependent. We are both people who realize how major such a step is.

I really do generally see the value of time, but it's also a matter of asking the right questions. My parents' marriage failed because they were fundamentally incompatible but they kind of glossed over that. They never really sat down and considered how their different personalities would coordinate.

With the guy I dated before, we kept working on things and working on things, and finally it got to a point where I realized that it would never really change. We were never going to have a connection like that which I have with my partner now. We were just way too different. Admittedly, at first, it seemed like it would be possible that we could work through our problems, but as time went on they kept happening. The arguments had a corrosive effect on the relationship over time. By the time that we got to the 2 year mark, I knew that if we did marry, I would probably wake up one day at 45 and walk out.

With my partner, I don't exactly know when we will marry or whatever. (I have been informed by my mother that I am not allowed to elope, so definitely no celebrity-style quickie wedding). I just know that we have this mutual emotional connection and he is quite intense and serious. It's not that everything is perfect, it's that he's told me that I have changed his life in such a way that he can't live without me (he does have an artistic temperament). Hehe, I actually sometimes feel like I am dating a less effete version of Edward Cullen ... intense, brooding, very private, with a long previous history of voluntary celibacy, a tendency to be a bit old-fashioned, doesn't eat much, plays piano and composes music. He's even a vegetarian. I'm not sure if he can read minds, though that would be cool.

So yeah, erm, I don't think there is a formula either. I think that my friend, who has been with her partner for 6 yrs and is buying a house with him but whom isn't engaged, might as well be married, but who am I to tell her that?

Just ask the right questions, trust your instincts, and if you're a celebrity or rich, get a pre-nup. No two situations are the same.

Thanks in advance for reading, sorry if this was a long or repetitive response.

kaitlynmichelle · September 2011

I agree with everyone else, I don't think there is really an exact timeline. I do side-eye people who haven't been dating very long (lets say under a year) who are younger. It is different when you are in your older 20s and up.

I also have to agree that people should be independent before getting married. I know several people who got engaged/married when they were still in school and relying on their parents for money. I paid my own way but BF's parents paid for his school. Living in a different part of the country being entirely on our own has been so much different.

desertsun · September 2011

I know I've looked up the statistics before and linked them, but it's been awhile. And I feel lazy, so I'm not going to hunt down specifics, but I'm pretty sure what I am about to say is backed up by several different reports available at the CDC's website.

People who get married later in their 20s are less likely to get divorced than people who marry late teens/early 20s. Fact.

So, in short, I agree with Mutley. A couple that has been together from age 16 to 21 is not necessarily more ready to get married than a couple who has been together for six months in their 30s. In fact, I'd favor the couple in their 30s over the 20 yos.

I do also think that having a job and supporting yourself and living independent of anyone else is a big factor.

That said, it depends on the couple. Mutley and her H knew each other a year; my H and I were together 4 years before we got married. But I would say we have two of the strongest, happiest, healthiest relationships I've ever seen.

gabriel0915 · September 2011

I don't think there is a formula or something but my FI and I are 23 and have been together for 5 years. We have known we wanted to get married but were waiting for the right time. But we are old at heart and are always amazed that people get engaged after a year because we don't see how you could really know someone by then. Plus sadly, we've noticed that a few of our friends who have been with their FIs around that amount of time have ended. That's honestly just our opinion. We don't think we have the only right opinion just an opinion.

SKP82 · September 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_long-should-couple-together-before-marriedengaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:2bee1bfb-b1f6-4c9f-bb9f-29c4a951bcc3Post:b3c8a2ef-e315-4fee-9673-dadbf001470d">Re: How long should a couple be together before they get married/engaged?</a>:
[QUOTE]Eh, I'm really glad to see all of the general sentiments on this thread. <strong>For the record, I'm not classifying myself as engaged. I just indulged in the guilty pleasure of looking at a few dresses, tis all.</strong> I definitely don't consider my relationship to be that of a wonder couple, I've just had this wonderful experience of really connecting with this person in a way that I never thought would be possible. Posted by TigerlilySabre[/QUOTE]

You've been dating for a little over 3 months and you're looking at dresses? Please slow your roll.

[Deleted User] · September 2011

I agree with others that have said there is no specific length of time that shouts "ready for marriage". I also do not personally believe there is a right age to be married either. So much of a person's readiness to marry comes from their personal experience.

For me, I was ready to marry BF about a year and a half into our relationship. Things did not work out that way, and we are still currently not engaged and quickly approaching our 5th anniversary. Given the experiences i've shared with him to date, I cannot imagine marrying someone in less than a few (more than 2) years now...but I certainly wouldn't have said that 2 or 3 years ago. We've experienced holidays, illnesses, surgeries, deaths, owning a pet, vacations, and many other things together. We've been a steady couple for quite a while, but sharing these good and not so good experiences has only deepened & strengthened our relationship.

orangehills · September 2011

I used to think, oh you have to be together for at least year. Now, I don't think that. I think, when you know- you know. I've had friends together for 3 months, and up to years before getting engaged- and it's worked for them because that's just how their relationship progressed. None of them are divorced yet! I haven't been with my boyfriend that long in they eyes of others, but I already know he's the one. And he knows that about me, so we will probably get engaged sooner rather than later.

marinarose24 · September 2011

I agree with at least being together for 2 years. I believe the first year of dating is the honeymoon stage and you don't really start to know the person real well until after that. I have a few relationships that were 6 months to a year and if I had married them based off of what I was feeling then I can garuntee we wouldn't still be together now. FI and I are on the younger side ...I am 22 and he is 23 but we wil be together for 3 years and 9 and half months when we get married. And we have known eachother for 6 years. We have been through more than alot of couples our age.

jemmini6 · September 2011

There are sooo many factors that go into knowing when is right to get married, so there's never going to be a magical formula. (like Mutley said, your age, experiences, independence, etc are huge factors and vary person to person, couple to couple)

Because the decision is so personal, I can only speak for myself. I would never have gotten engaged at less than a year of dating. I knew pretty early on the FI was it, but I figured 'what's the rush?' If he was it at 4 months, he'd be it at a year, or it at 2 years, and the more time we gave ourselves, the more we'd be sure. The tipping point between "what's the rush?" and "why wait?" came at almost 2 years and that's when we decided to finally get engaged.

lennonkdc · September 2011

I don't think that there is a formula, but I think the 2 biggest factors for knowing when it time to wed are ready are the maturity level of the individuals and the reasonableness of their expectations about marriage.

Desert correctly states that the smart money is on older couples v. younger ones. People in their late 20's early 30's tend to be more mature and have more realistic expectations of what marriage is and what it takes to make it work. That said, there are some mature and reasonable 21-22 year olds out there, and some really immature 28+ year olds out there.

PS-- YAGA!!! Congrats! I can't believe I missed your annoucement post. I'm gonna go search for it now!!

TheMutleys · September 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_long-should-couple-together-before-marriedengaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:2bee1bfb-b1f6-4c9f-bb9f-29c4a951bcc3Post:efc87f7e-4ecd-4d12-ad26-d33a35932095">Re: How long should a couple be together before they get married/engaged?</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with at least being together for 2 years. I believe the first year of dating is the honeymoon stage and you don't really start to know the person real well until after that. <strong>I have a few relationships that were 6 months to a year</strong> and if I had married them based off of what I was feeling then I can garuntee we wouldn't still be together now. FI and I are on the younger side ..<strong>.I am 22 and he is 23 but we wil be together for 3 years and 9 and half months when we get married. </strong>And we have known eachother for 6 years. We have been through more than alot of couples our age.
Posted by marinarose24[/QUOTE]

Well, considering that you would have been at most 18/19 years old during those 6 month to a year relationships...

Because that is completely the same as being together a year when you are an actual adult. <a href="#" title="Click to view a larger photo" onclick="return gSiteLife.LoadForumPage('ForumImage', 'plckPhotoId', '287facab-8790-4c65-b193-8d974c908258', 'plckRedirectUrl', gSiteLife.EscapeValue(window.location.href));"> <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/8/1/287facab-8790-4c65-b193-8d974c908258.medium.gif" alt="" /></a>
<a href="#" title="Click to view a larger photo" onclick="return gSiteLife.LoadForumPage('ForumImage', 'plckPhotoId', '287facab-8790-4c65-b193-8d974c908258', 'plckRedirectUrl', gSiteLife.EscapeValue(window.location.href));"> </a><a href="#" title="Click to view a larger photo" onclick="return gSiteLife.LoadForumPage('ForumImage', 'plckPhotoId', '287facab-8790-4c65-b193-8d974c908258', 'plckRedirectUrl', gSiteLife.EscapeValue(window.location.href));"> </a>

TheMutleys · September 2011

And fluffer nutters are IMPORTANT!

Or better, fluffer nutter bites!

TigerlilySabre · September 2011

Eh, I'd hardly say that flicking through a few websites and tv shows constitutes a "roll". It's not like I'm walking into bridal shops at any given chance or something. (I've actually never been in one). Again, when people say, "I always dreamed about my big day," I don't have that. Nothing. No mental image of anything I might want. When I was a kid, I was thinking, "Why in God's name do people get married?" My partner was thinking the same thing. It is only through connecting with each other that we have both changed our minds.

Enough about me, but I will say, what's any different about me and the fiances recently discussed who started browsing for rings at 3 months in? Nothing but gender. I have a friend of Indian descent who had an arranged marriage based on one coffee meeting and became quickly engaged. She's now happily married. I have other friends who've dated for many years and are now happily married, then I know others who don't believe in the institution of marriage and who have wonderful relationships too.

Ultimately, love happens in a variety of ways and it is down to the individuals involved to carefully evaluate their situations, values, goals, and fears. Ultimately, the decision to be with another person is made every day.

whitma87 · September 2011

I think it depends where you are in your life stages. It will be our 5 year dating anniversary a month after our wedding. I started dating him when I was 16, I am now out of college at 21, with a full time job. He is 10 years older than me. Our engagement was 11 months long. I heard couples who have an engagement shorter than a year and a half, have a higher success rate than those longer than 1.5 years (I guess because if you plan a wedding 2-3 years from now, it kinda shows 1. your either not ready for commitment or 2. you keep pushing it back because your not ready, or disagreee on things, financial hardships, ect.

TheMutleys · September 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_long-should-couple-together-before-marriedengaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:2bee1bfb-b1f6-4c9f-bb9f-29c4a951bcc3Post:ce1fa6cf-586b-419b-94f4-4f98deadf5de">Re: How long should a couple be together before they get married/engaged?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think it depends where you are in your life stages. It will be our 5 year dating anniversary a month after our wedding. I started dating him when I was 16, I am now out of college at 21, with a full time job. He is 10 years older than me. Our engagement was 11 months long. I heard couples who have an engagement shorter than a year and a half, have a higher success rate than those longer than 1.5 years (I guess because if you plan a wedding 2-3 years from now, it kinda shows 1. your either not ready for commitment or 2. you keep pushing it back because your not ready, or disagreee on things, financial hardships, ect.
Posted by whitma87[/QUOTE]

So he was 26 and you were 16 when you started dating?

<a href="#" title="Click to view a larger photo" onclick="return gSiteLife.LoadForumPage('ForumImage', 'plckPhotoId', '23eb597a-cb49-4c29-89c7-08ad285452bf', 'plckRedirectUrl', gSiteLife.EscapeValue(window.location.href));"> <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/3/9/23eb597a-cb49-4c29-89c7-08ad285452bf.medium.gif" alt="" /></a>

jaycee7389 · September 2011

Whitma-I normally don't judge, but a 26 year old dating a 16 year old is pedophilia..and I have no problem pointing that out.

motoLyn · September 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_long-should-couple-together-before-marriedengaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:2bee1bfb-b1f6-4c9f-bb9f-29c4a951bcc3Post:c60f6d46-b8a1-4dc5-9e2b-7562dbeb5c31">Re: How long should a couple be together before they get married/engaged?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How long should a couple be together before they get married/engaged? : So he was 21 and you were 16 when you started dating?
Posted by TheMutleys[/QUOTE]

Mutley... no offense the pregnancy has affected your math skills she was 16 and he was 26. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-tongue-out.gif" border="0" alt="Tongue out" title="Tongue out" />

Yeesh I'm ok with a 10 year difference but at the age of 16 and 26 that's really hard to not pass judgement.

Swazzle · September 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_long-should-couple-together-before-marriedengaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:2bee1bfb-b1f6-4c9f-bb9f-29c4a951bcc3Post:ce1fa6cf-586b-419b-94f4-4f98deadf5de">Re: How long should a couple be together before they get married/engaged?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think it depends where you are in your life stages. It will be our 5 year dating anniversary a month after our wedding. I started dating him when I was 16, I am now out of college at 21, with a full time job. He is 10 years older than me. Our engagement was 11 months long. I heard couples who have an engagement shorter than a year and a half, have a higher success rate than those longer than 1.5 years (I guess because if you plan a wedding 2-3 years from now, it kinda shows 1. your either not ready for commitment or 2. you keep pushing it back because your not ready, or disagreee on things, financial hardships, ect.
Posted by whitma87[/QUOTE]

<div>I got engaged on August 30,2011 & my wedding will most likely be June 1, 2013. That's a year and 9 months for my engagement. So that means my marriage isn't going to last? We have agreed to get married then because I want it to be warm when we get married. We aren't in any rush so we decided 2013 would be fine, we can take our time and don't have to be stressed out through the planning process.</div><div>
</div><div>We've been together for 4 years and so, no, it's not a commitment issue. I want a warm wedding and my FI is fine with that so, no, there's no disagreement. And as for financial hardships, I wouldn't say money is an issue for us but we are planning on paying for our entire wedding on our own and in case you weren't aware they're pretty expensive so it is nice to have that extra time to save and not feel completely strapped for cash for the next 2 years. </div><div>
</div><div>I think that's a pretty inaccurate statement regarding the length of someone's engagement. Everyone is different, every relationship is different. </div>

How long should a couple be together before they get married/engaged?

Re: How long should a couple be together before they get married/engaged?

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