another "other boards" complaint

DMoore421 · August 2012

so I may just be CRAZY but it seems that any time you mention anything about bridesmaids and MOH's helpig with anything - everyone jumps all over you on any other board....
in my circle it is the norm for any BM / MOH to help out - even if it is sitting around drinking and assembling things while hanging out - not by any means instructing them that they must help - but normally it works out that they want to and you kind of give them something to do to help - that you actually need to have done ---

am i the only one who sees it this way? everything i see on the other boards when talking about people helping out is they dont have to , all they have to do is show up kind of thing- which i understand - but generally that is not all they do...

LilPrincess102780 · August 2012

I plan on asking my girls to help, if they can. My MOH is very crafty and is already working on ideas and plans for stuff.

DMoore421 · August 2012

so far i have people who want to help ... and i have nothing for them to do - and i am not even sure they are going to be in the wedding ... i haven't picked my girl yet - just have my MOH figured out

Mtess1 · August 2012

I thought it was the norm to get help from MOH and BMS. I mean when I was a BM I always wanted to pitch in because I loved the bride!

DMoore421 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2013-weddings_another-other-boards-complaint?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:26a515ec-8009-4599-b81d-5edee3b3fb3cDiscussion:3f03bfce-9d4b-40e1-bb45-48817298135ePost:22851583-ac7f-475f-9eca-38047340bd3a">Re: another "other boards" complaint</a>:
[QUOTE]I thought it was the norm to get help from MOH and BMS. I mean when I was a BM I always wanted to pitch in because I loved the bride!
Posted by Mtess1[/QUOTE]

that is my thoughts exactly - but if you mention being dissappointed on any of the other boards if your girls don't help they jump all over you saying they don't have to do anything except show up the day of... it just cracks me up... and god forbid you ask what kind of things are appropriate to get help on,.. i know everyone is not always going to agree with everyone else - and that people in different circles and even areas of the country may do things differenly - but this board just seems so different than the others ---

deburnin · August 2012

But MOH and BM don't have to do anything other than show up on the wedding day. You are asking them to be witnesses for your wedding, which is only one day. Yes, many people will go above and beyond to help out where they can. When my BFF got married, I was over at her house everyday she was working on wedding stuff to help, but not everyone is is interested in spending their evenings on wedding stuff or they might not have the time. If my BFF was getting married now, I wouldn't be helping at all and I hope she would be understanding of that.

Having been through so many weddings recently and seeing how many couples don't stop to think about the financial/time strains they put on their friends, I can understand why women on the other boards jump down people's throats about expecting too much. Yes, it's great when your friends and family want to help, but expecting it is just rude, IMHO.

APDSS22 · August 2012

They're your friends. I think it's ok to ask, 'hey, could you come over and help me with this whatever....I have pizza and wine!' I mean, we ask our friends to help us move, pick us up from the airport, etc. I think it's wrong to ORDER them to help you but if you're just asking for a little help from friends I don't see how that is really rude.

But that being said the only thing I've asked of my MOH and bridesmaid is that they try to come visit so we could look at bridesmaids' dresses so we could discuss what they both like (they don't really know each other), what they could afford and what direction I see us going in based on the rest of the wedding. I also asked my MOH (sister) to make sure my father doesn't buy a lavender tux to wear for the wedding and to burn it if that happens...still not sure if he was serious on that one.

A couple of my other friends have offered to go shopping for things, attending wedding shows with me, whatever...one called herself my "wedding slave" and that one kinda freaked me out a bit. I appreciate the help, but I'm not sure about the slave part.

bluebfalo · August 2012

I think as the bride you know your bridal party the best (as well as friends and family not in the wedding party). You know who you can ask, who will flake, who are busy, etc.

Maybone · August 2012

I'm planning on getting custom stickers for hershey kisses. I've already told (gasp!) my Co-MOH and BM that we are going drinking one night and putting stickers on a few hundred candies. They don't care. They're the ones begging me to go dress shopping and go to all the wedding stores. They are just as excited as I am. I agree that only a bride knows her friends the best. Do I plan on relying on them and handing out jobs? No, but I do think they will help, gladly!

Hell, I've already had friends and family buy me postcards for my guesbook when they went on vacations this summer. That'd probably frowned upon as well.

Mtess1 · August 2012

Obviously if you're asking your MOH or BMs to make their world revolve around you you're out of line. We all know that, but you're intentions are not that at all. You sound like most brides in thinking you're gonna get some help from their best friends or family. Myself, Maybone, and The Future MrsRoh in this post are doing just that. We're gonna do a little bonding and drinking while working on some favors. That sounds like fun to me! Good luck girlfriend!!

TayBeach2013 · August 2012

I think asking if a BM wants to help is different from mandating. My response would definitely be different if asked to help with centerpieces while at the beach, or being taken to the beach and presented with centerpiece making materials and told to sit while I'm sporting a bikini and sunblock, ready to head out the door (true story).

Mtess1 · August 2012

^^^^^ Really, oh noo!

DMoore421 · August 2012

In Response to Re:another :[QUOTE]But MOH and BM don't have to do anything other than show up on the wedding day. You are asking them to be witnesses for your wedding, which is only one day. Yes, many people will go above and beyond to help out where they can. When my BFF got married, I was over at her house everyday she was working on wedding stuff to help, but not everyone is is interested in spending their evenings on wedding stuff or they might not have the time. If my BFF was getting married now, I wouldn't be helping at all and I hope she would be understanding of that.Having been through so many weddings recently and seeing how many couples don't stop to think about the financial/time strains they put on their friends, I can understand why women on the other boards jump down people's throats about expecting too much. Yes, it's great when your friends and family want to help, but expecting it is just rude, IMHO. Posted by deburnin[/QUOTE]

I guess my feeling is when you ask your girls you have a general idea of what is going on in their lives as well.... I wouldn't expect someone to drop every thing to help out if I already know they are busy people ... But if it is the norm to hang out and have a few drinks... I wouldn't expect that to stop because I am getting married

DMoore421 · August 2012

In Response to Re:another :[QUOTE]I think asking if a BM wants to help is different from mandating. nbsp;My response would definitely be different if asked to help with centerpieces while at the beach, or being taken to the beach and presented with centerpiece making materials and told to sit while I'm sporting a bikini and sunblock, ready to head out the door true story. Posted by TayBeach2013[/QUOTE] yeah I can agree that that is messed up...

DMoore421 · August 2012

In Response to Re:another :[QUOTE]They're your friends.nbsp; I think it's ok to ask, 'hey, could you come over and help me with this whatever....I have pizza and wine!' I mean, we ask our friends to help us move, pick us up from the airport, etc.nbsp; I think it's wrong to ORDER them to help you but if you're just asking for a little help from friends I don't see how that is really rude.nbsp; But that being said the only thing I've asked of my MOH and bridesmaid is that they try to come visit so we could look at bridesmaids' dresses so we could discuss what they both like they don't really know each other, what they could afford and what direction I see us going in based on the rest of the wedding.nbsp; I also asked my MOH sister to make sure my father doesn't buy a lavender tux to wear for the wedding and to burn it if that happens...still not sure if he was serious on that one.A couple of my other friends have offered to go shopping for things, attending wedding shows with me, whatever...one called herself my "wedding slave" and that one kinda freaked me out a bit.nbsp; I appreciate the help, but I'm not sure about the slave part. Posted by TheFutureMrsRohlman22[/QUOTE]

If someone volunteered to be my wedding slave I still wouldn't know what to do with them. Lol. I know I am going to need help with my centerpieces... But I haven't even made a trial one to know for sure if I like my idea.. In theory and in my head it's perfect... But who knows until I actually put one together. Other than that and envelope stuffing I have no projects planned yet... Even then my sister is making many trips over the next year just to be here to help with wedding things... Now I have to get on the ball so I have wedding things for her to help with when she is here

APDSS22 · August 2012

Yeah I really don't know what to do with her either. Maybe we'll hang out at my place and stick stamps on envelopes around time for the invites, but I don't really have any grunt work I need done. Mostly I'm just bouncing ideas off people at this point.

zantster · August 2012

I've had folks offer to help. And I do ask for opinions on things. But I look to them for hopefully throwing me a shower and bachelorette party, you know the usual stuff. But I wouldn't expect them to do DIY for me or set up, take down and clean up. If I chose to do some DIY I would plan on doing it myself and if they happened to want to join me then that's fine. But I would never want them to feel obligated on top of paying for their dress and stuff.

Things pop up in people's lives all the time that they don't always alert their friends to like my gran just going into hospice recently. So, I prefer to leave the real responsibility up to vendors with contracts. I'd be a worried mess otherwise. What if something popped up and they didn't follow through with something? I don't feel like I'd have the right to be upset with them cause things like cars break down or other isht happens or they change their minds and just don't feel like it. And I don't want to run the risk of any of my friends quietly resenting me for guilt tripping them into helping. Plus I can't be my perfectionist self with friends the way I can with paid vendors. Mainly though I want them to enjoy the day. Sure if an emergency happened and a vendor bailed I'd hope they'd come through. But that's it really. Everything should truly be optional for them IMO.

DMoore421 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2013-weddings_another-other-boards-complaint?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:26a515ec-8009-4599-b81d-5edee3b3fb3cDiscussion:3f03bfce-9d4b-40e1-bb45-48817298135ePost:9835457d-f01f-4f5b-83d0-d22e9d2c7622">Re: another "other boards" complaint</a>:
[QUOTE]I've had folks offer to help. And I do ask for opinions on things. But I look to them for hopefully throwing me a shower and bachelorette party, you know the usual stuff. But I wouldn't expect them to do DIY for me or set up, take down and clean up. If I chose to do some DIY I would plan on doing it myself and if they happened to want to join me then that's fine. But I would never want them to feel obligated on top of paying for their dress and stuff. Things pop up in people's lives all the time that they don't always alert their friends to like my gran just going into hospice recently. So, I prefer to leave the real responsibility up to vendors with contracts. I'd be a worried mess otherwise. What if something popped up and they didn't follow through with something? I don't feel like I'd have the right to be upset with them cause things like cars break down or other isht happens or they change their minds and just don't feel like it. And I don't want to run the risk of any of my friends quietly resenting me for guilt tripping them into helping. Plus I can't be my perfectionist self with friends the way I can with paid vendors. Mainly though I want them to enjoy the day. Sure if an emergency happened and a vendor bailed I'd hope they'd come through. But that's it really. Everything should truly be optional for them IMO.
Posted by zantster[/QUOTE]

Oh I understand things pop up too - I guess everyone is different though - I know if someone told me they were going to do something and then something unexpected happened and they couldn't follow through I would be understanding - other people I know wouldn't be and would expect someone to do anything at all costs - but I am just not that way - if your car breaks down on your dog dies - things happen - and I would adjust accordingly

APDSS22 · August 2012

Of course everything should be optional, but asking for help from your friends should never be considered "horribly wrong."

jpines22 · August 2012

I feel like being a bridesmaid is not just asking someone to stand up there next to you in a pretty dress on your wedding day. I think it's a lot more than that. BM's should be there to assist you when needed, listen to you vent, and offer their opinion when asked. When I was a BM a few years ago I did everything I could to help out the bride. I wanted to make her situation as less stressful as possible. You obviously can't force a BM to help you out but honestly, if they're your friend, why wouldn't they want to? the girls on the other boards are so bitchy and lazy it's atrocious.

zantster · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2013-weddings_another-other-boards-complaint?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:26a515ec-8009-4599-b81d-5edee3b3fb3cDiscussion:3f03bfce-9d4b-40e1-bb45-48817298135ePost:bdc1674f-9f2f-4e53-a66c-c7eca7985665">Re: another "other boards" complaint</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: another "other boards" complaint : Oh I understand things pop up too - I guess everyone is different though - I know if someone told me they were going to do something and then something unexpected happened and they couldn't follow through I would be understanding - other people I know wouldn't be and would expect someone to do anything at all costs - but I am just not that way - if your car breaks down on your dog dies - things happen - and I would adjust accordingly
Posted by DMoore421[/QUOTE]

I think I see your and jpines points of view. Like even though I wouldn't want to ask, I hope my BMs will help me stuff guest bags when I tell them I need to get so many done. But it also depends on the degree of help needed. Like it's one thing to put together a few trinkets. And something entirely different to expect cooking, cleaning, set up and take down like with some DIY weddings. That requires a much larger commitment on top of money for their dresses, shoes, etc. I think that degree of commitment that can affect the success of the entire day should be discussed and agreed to ahead of time to avoid falling out with friends.

So I'm kind of leaning towards you guys but my comfort level remains mostly with paid vendors and having my BMs be backup sources of help for the small things to leave wiggle room for things that might occur in their lives.

LauraJean317 · September 2012

I thought that was the norm too...a few years ago, I was a replacement bridesmaid for my friend (she had 8! one dropped out due to cost and we had recently gotten back in touch, so she asked me). Out of 8, 4 were cousins and they were very close. That being said, I was the only one who ever offered to help with anything! I couldn't believe it. I helped her with lots of things, because organizing a big wedding can get crazy towards the end. Now, I'm not saying they should be bossed around and running errands non-stop, but I thought they were expected to ask what the bride needed help with so planning is fun for her, not stressful.

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