Need help with future MIL/guest list issues

camarogirlj · July 2009

So long story short, my fiance's parents are paying for the reception food and open bar (since they're the ones who wanted it) and for the church. Other than that all of our wedding expenses are being paid by us except for the small amount that my parents are able to help with. I don't want to sound like I don't appreciate their help, but my future MIL is wanting control over way more than they're paying for. Invitations and cake are the biggest things. She keeps insisting that we should save money by getting cakes from Costco and that cupcakes (which is what I want) would be a bad idea. I'm getting really aggravated because I want her to be involved, but I feel like since I'm paying for those things she shouldn't get a say in the matter? The biggest issue is that her guest list of her large family (not including friends) is quickly approaching 300!!!! She thinks only half will show up...but she wants to know how many of my 100 friends and family I believe will show up so she can attempt to only cut a few of her family. Our reception site only holds 250 (not comfortably either) and I'm worried that if she invites 300+ and I invite my 100 that we will end up with WAY too many people saying they're coming. With them paying for the reception food, do I have to give up some of my invitations to try to accomodate the possibility that most of his family shows up? I'm rather upset because we were thinking we'd have maybe 175 guests at most and now I'm seeing my costs for cake, centerpieces, invitations, etc increasing. PLEASE HELP!!!

second time around · July 2009

Do not invite more people than the venue can hold. If you have to do an A list and B list. Invite who you want. It's your wedding. Her list being twice what yours is is more than enough. Tell her that she can only invite a certian number because of space limits, and the costs of everything else. The venue is not going to allow over the capacity amount because they do not want fined by the Fire Marshall. As far as the cake and invitations, order what you want. If you are paying for it, she can't change your order. Just don't take her with you when you place the final order.

jennyandjarrod · July 2009

I know this sounds awful, but if I was you I would tell her that all 100 of your guests will be showing up, that way she cuts her guest list back......also I think usually 80-90% of invited guests show up (from what i've been reading on weddings) so if you invite 400 people, 320-360 will show up...which obviously will not fit your venue......tell her your inviting 100 and she needs to chop her list to 150........unless of course she wants to pay for a whole new venue big enough for everyone

Chevy218 · July 2009

Ugh.. mothers. Okay, this is my view on everything and yes it may seem a little selfish. The wedding is about you and your FI, not your mother, his mother, or anyone else. Everything should be how you want it. Just because they're paying (which I know is greatly appreciated) does not mean they should be able to tell you who you can and cannot invite. Its YOUR wedding! My mother is paying for our reception site, which includes food, alcohol, etc. FI and I are paying the rest... no help from his family unfortunately. But, my mom at the beginning continuously tried to pull the whole 'I'm paying for it...' thing and I was not having that. I greatly appreciate her help and quite frankly we wouldn't be having the wedding we're having had she not paid for most of it. But that does not give her the right to tell us what we can and cannot do. The wedding is about us. We did not ask her to pay and would've arranged something different had she not offered but its what she wanted to do and was happy to do it. Unfortunately it came down to me telling her this and basically saying I'll get a loan if I have to so I don't have to hear her little comments about paying for it. I never thought in a million years my mother would be like that.Here, I come to find out her mother was the same way for their wedding. I just don't get how people feel the right to take over when the day should be all about you and your FI.Since this is not your mother but your FI's. I would definitely have him say something to her. The people invited should be the people YOU want there...Sorry for the rant... I just hate this type of issue that it seems like we all go thru.

camarogirlj · July 2009

Chevy 218 - I did pull the whole well I guess I'll just take out a loan then with my FI when his mom first starting being too much for me to handle

My mother luckily is not into the whole wedding thing (they got married at the courthouse), but she will do whatever I want her too. For whatever reason it is harder for me to stand my ground with his mom. I'm perfectly content with inviting 100 people from my family and friends because I have a relatively small family and that 100 includes me inviting 20 or so friends. Should I just tell her she can invite 150 from an "A" list and then when declines start coming in she can invite others? She seems to be under the impression that she can just count on most out-of-staters not coming, but I think we should wait until we actually get confirmation of that. Another question - did you/are you letting the single people bring a date? I've got a few cousins/friends who aren't in a serious relationship, but I want them to have fun and have someone to dance with. What did you guys decide?Thanks so much - I hate how we all have to go through this...you should have been around for the invitation wording sessions since she insisted their names had to go first!

second time around · July 2009

We didn't issue any "and guest" invites. We only had a few that didn't have a spouse or steady relationship, so it wasn't a big problem. We did draw the line at kids, to only kids of the bridal party and family. That cut the guest list 35 people.

chasegl · July 2009

I agree with everyone else - do not invite more than your venue can hold. We only thought maybe one or two of FI's out-of-state relatives would come, but ALL OF THEM so far have committed to coming (note: this is just word of mouth - no invitations have been sent out yet).I had this same problem with my mom, who is paying for the reception venue, food, and alcohol. To ease tensions, what we did was split the capacity. She got to invite half and the rest of us (me, FI, and FI's family) got the other half of the guest list. You could be even more generous and let her have 150 to your 100. My mom then had to prioritize and decide who was really important to have there.We are not having +1 guests unless the person is in a serious committed relationship such that we know the SO by name and could address the invitation to them also (if we wanted to).To pp: Yes, it is your and FI's day, but don't lose sight of the fact that your parents raised you for X years and are pretty much just as invested in your life as you are. It's important to them to be able to celebrate your wedding day, too, and it hurts them to be denied the right to do so. After my mom explained to me how hurt she was by my attempts to limit the guest list, we were able to reach a resolution that satisfied everyone. I had the same views you did until I realized that my mom wasn't being ridiculous or controlling, she just wanted to celebrate my wedding with the entire world is possible. ;-)

shlittertoots · July 2009

It's your wedding, so you should choose what you want, especially with the parts that you're paying for. You deserve to have a day that is done how you want it. It's your party, so it's crazy that she wants to invite so many of her guests that are her extended family (how close can a person be to 300 relatives?!) I would be polite and civil, and hopefully it will work out. Also, with more guests, explain to her that more than just the food and bar bill will increase (cake, invitations...) and you can't afford to have so many guests. Good luck!

Chevy218 · July 2009

I would definitely tell her to limit her list, choose the A list and then invite others when you get declines. You don't want to assume people will not come just because they're out of towners..... almost all my 'oh, they won't come' people ARE coming and were the first to book their hotel rooms. Stand your ground though. Make sure she realizes the capacity and its just not possible to invite everyone. We didn't invite extended family no one has talked to in years... we didn't even invite some of FI's aunts because the family is always fighting and half the time not talking (6 sisters on his mom's side). And if you feel uncomfortable to tell his mom, your FI has too. This is his wedding too and he needs some responsibilities, which includes talking to his mother.I did put '& guest' for single people but we had room to play with. You don't want to cut it too close.I vaguely remember the invitation wording sessions. Yeah, I felt bad for not putting FI's mom on ours but it was an odd situation..... his father passed away when he was 3, his mom is now remarried and not to mention she hasn't even offered to help pay for anything. Oh, except she said she would pay for us, her family, my parents, and a few of her friends coming at the rehearsal dinner. Yeah, we're not even having a rehearsal dinner and what about the rest of my family that is going to be in town?? Seriously, how rude is that?!<sigh> 22 more days.

mcghee.50 · July 2009

Finalizing your guest list and making everyone happy is our biggest issue right now too. I feel your pain! I am having a major major issue with my MIL because we are not inviting kids (which she knew) and she made a guilt ridden phone call about how upset people on her portion of the list were that they couldnt bring their kids. I am sure this is not the right answer, but I am making my fiance duke it out with her. I don't want to fracture what is so far a great relationship between us but I want to stick to my guns. My FI thus far has been happy to run interference. Maybe you could have your FI asborb some of the heat? Also, if the tables were turned and your family was paying for it, she would still expect her "must haves" to be included on your list! Give her a number (a percentage of 250 that she has to stick to) and stand your ground! I have heard the number of no shows is closer to 75 percent, but if there is some kind of fluke how do you uninvite people? not an option. As far as cakes are concerned, the cheapest option we found WAS cupcakes. Try Pink Moon in Powell, they give discounts for over 100 cupcakes, both a drop in price and a big percentage if you make a big order (and they are SOOOO good).

second time around · July 2009

My coordinatior told us that 20% will RSVP no, and 10% of the yeses will be no shows. That was pretty accurate for us.

luebke.3 · July 2009

I agree with what people are saying above!! Final thing is that it is YOUR day, period. Since we already had our wedding, I can tell you that people who you never thought would come, will. People you thought would absolutely come, will not. And you cannot estimate it - you need to assume that 15-20% will not show up and invite the # of people based on that that you want at the wedding. Definetly do an A and B list - it works! We did not give everyone a "guest" b/c we had too many people initially. But that doesn't always work becuase most people dont even read it and assume they get a guest. Many will reply they will bring a guest, and then they will show up with nobody. Do and invite what and who you want.

Need help with future MIL/guest list issues

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