Mom Issues

SnowWhiteDoll · July 2009

My mother has spent most of our planning time pretending she doesn't care what I choose. This has been fine, I know what I want. Today, I told her I plan to have my fiance and our dog walk me down the aisle. She absolutely FLIPPED. I really have my heart set on having him walk me to symbolize that we are going through this journey together. I don't like the whole idea of being "given away." We've been together for 6 years and have made it together. Mom said this is the one thing she won't compromise on and if she, my (absent) father, or my uncle (who I barely know) doesn't walk me down the aisle, she won't pay. Does anyone have a suggestion on how I can make her feel special and included without being given away?

banana468 · July 2009

For starters, please don't have your dog walk you down the aisle or in the wedding. It sounds cute but it can be a logistical nightmare in dealing with the dog, venue regulations, and it's not really courteous to your guests depending on where you're having the ceremony.Is there a compromise that you can work on with your mom? If she's financing the wedding and you've chosen everything, why not agree to letting HER walk you down the aisle? Get some photos with your FI and the dog either before or after you exchange vows if this is the one thing that your mom feels strongly about.Don't think of it as 'being given away'. Think of it as your mother escorting you to your partner in life. I lived with my FI for a year before we were married and I was on my own for years and my dad still escorted me down the aisle. I was also lucky enough to have my parents pay for the reception. On something like walking down the aisle which is one of the more poignant but small details, I wouldn't have argued the issue. Please try to see your mother's side on this. There will be plenty of time to see your future husband and the dog after the wedding.

swim1011 · July 2009

The truth of the matter is, if your mom is financing a major portion (or all) of your wedding, and feels strongly about this, then she does get some say in this. I'm not saying I agree with it, but if you need someone else to pay for your wedding, that's what happens. I agree with the PP. You really don't want your dog going down the aisle with you, for all the reasons she mentioned. Now for your major issue: walking down the aisle. Is there any reason you can't walk down the aisle by yourself? If you're untraditional enough to want to do this with a dog and your FI, I don't see why by yourself would be a big deal. I understand the symbolism and why you want to do it, but if losing funding means the wedding won't happen, you may have to be flexible on this. And no one says a person who means nothing to you should escort you. Having your mom walk you also isn't a bad idea.

trix1223 · July 2009

I completely agree about the dogs. We love dogs. We've had several. But they're dogs. Pets. And pets don't belong in a wedding ceremony. Have photos taken before or after, but please lose that part of the plan. It's just fraught with all kinds of complications.I don't think most women today think about being "given away" anymore. You are considering being escorted down the aisle by you FI. So why can't you just be escorted down the aisle by your mom if you don't care for the other choices.You can completely leave out the "Who gives this woman" from the ceremony, even if your mom does escort you.And then you and your new DH walk out together to symbolize the new life you're headed to.If you're dead set on mom not walking with you to this next step in your life's journey, as I assume she's walked with you to all of the steps of your life's journey (how's that for symbolism?), then decline her money and pay for the wedding yourself.All in all, this is a 30 second part of your wedding you're talking about. Is it worth straining a relationship with your mom over a 30 second walk?

ffmaid · July 2009

You decide which matters more to you. Her paying or you walking with your husband and dog. She does not have to pay and money almost always has strings so if you want to do this nontraditional entrance then you pay for your own wedding

dsouldiva · July 2009

I can see why your mum is upset.Don't get me wrong, I love dogs, I love my dog, I would rather have people bring their dogs to the wedding than children but sometimes it's just not appropriate to levy that much love and attention on a canine over a person.Why not have some pre or post wedding shots done with the dog and let your mum have her way on this one, especially since she is paying for your day. Why not think of it as honoring her in front of your guests by walking down the aisle with her?

mbcdefg · July 2009

Who you walk down the aisle with is up to you. For what it's worth, I think walking with your FI is great. It's a nice symbolism of starting your life together. But like PPs said, if your mom is paying for some/all of your wedding, then she deserves at least a little bit of say as to what goes on. And like they said, it's 30 seconds and it will make her happy. Personally, I would just give in if this is the only thing she wants. Don't forget that your mom has probably been looking forward to this day for a long time and has probably got her heart set on a couple of things - and if she did a good job raising you and supporting you, then IMO you sort of owe it to her if you can do one or two small things to make her happy. And remember that someone doesn't need to "give you away." Having a parent or loved one escort you down the aisle is merely a show of support and love, not ownership. So maybe if you look at it that way, you'll feel better about it. But if your dad and uncle weren't a big part of your life, then personally I'd put my foot down over that - compromise and have just your mom escort you. Plenty of brides have had their moms escort them, you don't need a man to do it. But in the end, it's your call. If you're prepared to fund the whole wedding yourself, then stick to your guns. If not, then you need to compromise with her.

SnowWhiteDoll · July 2009

I don't think I did a very good job of focusing my point/question. While I appreciate everyone's feedback and will take those points into consideration, does anyone have any ideas that pertain to my actual question of other ways to involve my mother? I was raised by my mother and father. They divorced when I was eighteen. I worry that if Mom walks me, my father (who will be traveling all the way from Utah) will feel like he was passed over. Mom will be horribly offended if Daddy walks me. The choice to have my future husband do it was a diplomatic one as well as one of us just liking the idea. And since I didn't address it before, Mom is pitching in but not paying for the whole day. We are having to re-evaluate our part because of my fiance's recent layoff. Them both walking me isn't an option, unfortunately... I am already worried enough about them being in the same room. In a traditional wedding, a mother's role is essentially planning. She gets walked down the aisle by an usher. She gets a corsage. Knowing the theatrical Southern woman my mother, I feel this is more of a power/control move than a "wanting to give her daughter away" thing. After more reflection, I have thought to maybe have her and Daddy (separately of course) light candles for their respective parentsAs for everyone's point on the dog, I will take it into consideration, but if I do involve her, my ceremony is being held in a garden next door to my home and we plan on arranging to have her brought home and taken care of afterwards so she isn't stuck around a bunch of strange people.Since the aisle is rather long, I have also considered having her walk me halfway, then having him "meet me halfway." That way she is happy and gets her 0h-so-important attention and we still get the symbolism that is important to us.

mbcdefg · July 2009

She could do a reading, in that case. I saw one wedding where both sets of parents presented a set of "vows" to the couple, and gave some advice and good wishes to them. Maybe you could do that with both of your parents (individually).

ffmaid · July 2009

Clearly what mom wants is to walk you down the aisle other honors do not matter. Just let her walk you down. Re dogs : many people are alergic or afraid

LarissaAnn · July 2009

"Just let her walk you down..." and upset your father who's traveling long-distance to be there. I don't think the solution's quite as simple as that. Have you talked to your parents about being "good" for your wedding? Have mom walk you halfway & dad the rest? Or see if mom would be willing to be in the spotlight some other way, as pp said.

mbcdefg · July 2009

Do you think it's a matter of your mom wanting to get whatever she asks for, or that she just wants to be in the spotlight in any way she can?

SnowWhiteDoll · July 2009

Um, is BOTH an answer? I mean, don't get me wrong, I love my mother. I am her only child and adopted to boot. I know this is an important day to her too. I have tried to include her in every aspect I can. She is an interior designer and has planned several weddings/anniversary parties. I just don't understand why she has been so "blah" about every aspect of the wedding that I have ASKED her opinion about, yet the one thing we decided on our own, that is so important to us doesn't fly with her. When I told her I want her to feel like it is her day too, but the aisle thing is really important to Dylan and I, she said, "Well it is YOUR day, not mine. You can have that ugly black embroidery on your dress and your 1940's theme but I am your MOTHER and I deserve a little respect."

duckie1905 · July 2009

Which is more important: your mom paying or you being walked down the aisle by your dog?You can include her all you want but I don't think that making her more involved is going to change her mind. I'm guessing she sees the same logistical issues with a dog walking you down the aisle as we do. Aside from that she's probably hurt that you would pick a dog over a person, especially at her request. We have a dog and I love my dog, but seriously?Why not leave the dog out of the equation and see if maybe you can convince her that your FI walking you down the aisle would be enough?

ffmaid · July 2009

This seems like an important point to her. So which is it for you? Is this a point worth being in a fight with your mom? is it worth making her unhappy? is it worth losing her fiscal contribution? Personally I can not imagine it being worth the fight. She is clearly trying to giev you free reign and wants 1 thing. Either decide it is worth the fight hard feelings ect or not. But decide and only you can say which and what you decide will say a lot about who you are.

jeannigirl · July 2009

So your mom doesn't feel you respect her because you want to walk the aise with your FI and dog. I would subtract the dog and add mom. Why couldn't you have her walk part way with you and then pass you to FI then he walks the rest of the way with you. Thats what I would do. Like one PP said about all the significant walks and important things that your mom was there for you. I don't think personally that its about doing other things in the wedding to satisy her. With her its about the walk and I can see where she is coming from. I am also a mother and my daughter and I are very close and I have been there for her with every step she's taken, unlike her father so I hope that me telling her how important it would mean to me to be part of the walk with her down the aisle.

SnowWhiteDoll · July 2009

I am a people pleaser by nature. She has "let" me have theme I love, but there have been several concessions I've made along the way to her. Just to name a few: -Not having my future mil in my wedding party because Mom doesn't like her (although they haven't met.)-Not having a very close friend in our party because Mom disapproves of him being transgendered-Having to invite a bunch of people I don't know and can't really afford and therefore having to drive back my wedding day for two years to save up-Marrying in a garden when I have severe allergies because she it's what she wantsYes, there is so much she's just been "whatever you want" about, but she's been quite controlling about others. My fault for not making that apparent. This is something that is important to my fiance and I and I don't see why I shouldn't be allowed the one thing that WE find important. I want this to be a special, symbolic day for everyone. I am in love with the symbolism of us walking together. I know if I walk with my mother, I will be a nervous wreck because she will spout out a bunch of "helpful" hints right before we walk down. And again, I don't want my dad to feel shafted if she does it....there is a lot of resentment between the two. I think it is only fair that if one isn't able to do it, the other isn't either. I wish I could have them be civil enough to both walk me, but I seriously doubt that will happen.

SnowWhiteDoll · July 2009

Jeannigirl, I love the idea of having them both walk me part of the way. It is definitely something I will bring up when we talk. I also really like the idea of having her do a reading/vows. We are planning to have some sort of communal vow instead of the "speak now or forever hold your peace" and I really think she would delight in getting to write something and be in front of everyone. She writes speeches or poems for all the significant events in our family and that might be right up her alley.

MOBinFL2008 · July 2009

I don't view a bride being escorted down the aisle by a parent or parents as them giving her way but rather as a symbolic gesture. They are telling everyone present that they are in favor of and approve the choice that their daughter has made for her life partner. When a bride is escorted, generally they stop at the row where the escort would be seated and then the groom escorts the bride from that point to the officiant. That is where you begin your journey together!Mom said she is OK with her or your father escorting you. Well, why not have that talk with them about being grown-ups and the need to put smiles on their faces for this one day and get along. You could then have both of them escort you down the aisle to join your FI to begin your journey.

SoSweet06 · July 2009

SWD--I think we have the same mother

I can't imagine what she would be like if I were an only child! What works best with my mom is being very direct and not playing into the guilt trip. I keep in mind that she always means well and try not to hurt her feelings...I only really "put my foot down" if it is very important to me. It sounds like this is important to you...My mom would be bluffing about not paying though, so I would probably just call her on it

tbh33 · July 2009

Why not have both walk you together? I know its a Jewish tradition, but I think a lot more people are starting to do this. Unless the divorce was so horrible they couldn't be in the same room, I think this could be a nice compromise.

AlannaF · August 2009

I'm a few days late on this post, but I had to add my thoughts. My mom is very similar to yours. Here are my thoughts, and I'm sure this will be long.If you want your dog and FI to walk down the aisle with you, do it. Make sure the dog has experience being around lots of people, and have a friend ready to take your pup if something goes awry. But I'm sure you thought of that.If you want your day to be symbolic (which it should be!) then agreeing to do something just to pacify mom is defeating your purpose. If your parents don't get along, don't even try to have one walk you halfway, then the other. As much as we'd love to think that parents will behave, they may not. And even if they do, you'll be stressing out for weeks wondering if they will, and you should be focused on other things - like preparing to be wed.You can't exactly do the wedding on your own because I'm assuming you've made a budget based off her assistance and there are vendors who you are locked in with. So, yes, I agree you've got to find another way. It sucks that she is holding you hostage by this. Let her simmer a while and then re-visit the issue, armed with logical reasons that support your idea. Don't allow drama - no raised voices, etc. If she won't budge, well...you've got to decide if you are able to re-vamp the budget so you can pay for the wedding on your own, or you're going to have to compromise.If all else fails (I know this isn't exactly what you want)... maybe she'll agree to this compromise: Eliminate dog (sorry)walk down the aisle by yourself or have your FI meet you halfway. It's sort of symbolic of the two of you meeting and choosing to come together to marry. Have the ministeer ask your parents to stand and take a vow to support the marriage with their love, support, and prayers. That way your mom is included. Have her greet the guests as they enter, do a reading, give a toast at the reception. I'm walking down the aisle by myself and having FI meet me halfway. We want to include the dogs as well, since we feel like our dogs really are "man's best friend" but we worried that they wouldn't behave and that the guests would be too busy looking at the dog than focusing on the real issue. Anyway, this was long, but I hope it was helpful.

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