Community› Wedding Discussion Boards› Moms and Maids
Moms and Maids
New Discussion

FMIL

patriotschick839patriotschick839
First Comment
in Moms and Maids

I do not want to include my FMIL in planning my wedding. She is not helping pay for the wedding(which is not a big deal, just wanted to put it out there) but she is not the most supportive. She is an alcoholic and is constantly drunk.

She wants to come with me and my mother and BMs to pick out my dress. But I am afraid she may show up drunk and act outrageous. My fiancee loves his mom and wishes I would take the chance of including her but I don't want to be trying on my dress and she get mad about something and start cursing everyone out.

Also I don't want her to be a part of the wedding at all. I am planning this wedding to be the way that I want it. Having a drunk MIL is not the way I want it to happen.

And trust me I am not overexagerating her drinking problem, when my fiancee was 14 she kicked him out of the house because he didnt get along with her new boyfriend. Then while my fiancee was in the miliary and she has power of atterney she drove him into debt (which we are still paying off) and she still feels that he owes her.

Is there some kind of a way to tell her I don't want her to be a part of the wedding? Or our lives?

Report Reply to Post

Re: FMIL

  • bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    If you and your FI haven't figured out how to deal with his mother, you need to put the wedding planning on hold and fix this.  He needs to run interference here, not expose you to it and tell you to just "include her" to keep the peace.  This is a you-and-FI problem, not a wedding-planning problem.

    Having said all that, a drunk MIL will not ruin your wedding.  I had a piss-drunk sister/MOH and had no idea she was wasted until I was told several days later.  
    Courtesy of megk8oz
    image
    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

    A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
    Report Reply
  • bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I also want to comment on what you said about not wanting her at the wedding: this is your FI's mother.  Always has been, always will be.  He wants a relationship with her.  You don't.  HUGE RED FLAG!!!  You two need to sort this NOW.  If this is a dealbreaker for you, you may need to walk away.  Because this won't just "change" as time goes on.  
    Courtesy of megk8oz
    image
    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

    A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
    Report Reply
  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:54007bc8-a1c4-4cd3-869f-077becfab1ffPost:e0d3cd04-ac47-4a58-a917-09cca837028c">Re: FMIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]I also want to comment on what you said about not wanting her at the wedding: this is your FI's mother.  Always has been, always will be.  He wants a relationship with her.  You don't.  HUGE RED FLAG!!!  You two need to sort this NOW.  If this is a dealbreaker for you, you may need to walk away.  Because this won't just "change" as time goes on.  
    Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

    Yes.  This.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
    Report Reply
  • duckie1905duckie1905 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Honestly, I find it really self-centered that you are more worried about how her behavior reflects on you than with the fact that she needs help.  This isn't about you or your wedding.  This is about your FI, his mother, their relationship, and her disease.

    The last thing she needs is a snotty future DIL that is going to exclude her on purpose, against her FI's wishes, to make a point about her behavior when she drinks.  You should be concentrating on your relationship with your FI and how you can support him during a time of crisis in his family.

    Edit: If he wants a relationship with her, that's the decision.  She is his mother and it is his choice to make.  If you can't deal with it, you need to decide if you want to be in it for the long haul.  You don't get the right to remove her from your lives or "tell" her anything.

    It doesn't matter what happened in the past.  He wants a relationship with her.  As his future wife, I think you should be supportive.  Has anyone considered getting her into rehab?

     

    Report Reply
  • lizstill13lizstill13 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Cut your FI's mother out of the picture now and you'll be paying for it for the rest of your life, or, I should say, your marriage, which probably won't last very long if this is a major problem now, when you've just started planning.
    image
    Report Reply
  • TruchanaTruchana member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I don't think you should cut her out of your lives entirely.  You are marrying her son, which means she comes along with the package, regardless if she's difficult or not.  I understand the frustration with her running him into debt, etc, and you have every right to be angry about that because it now affects you!!

    You should not feel forced to invite her along to wedding planning events. You have one wedding to plan in your life and it should be an enjoyable and positive event to look back on.  That being said, maybe you could invite her along to at least one thing, or keep her updated on all the decisions to make her feel part of the loop.  Your husband would probably appreciate it.
    Report Reply
  • MOBinFL2008MOBinFL2008
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Ditto what all the other wise posters have said.

    You said that your FI loves his mom and you said you want her out of your lives.  You have a very huge problem that needs to be worked on and it has nothing to do with picking out dresses.

    Your FMIL has an illness that isn't just going to disappear.  You have to decide if you are willing to deal with this for the rest of your life.  Since your FI doesn't seem to want to end the relationship with his mom, you might be better off just walking away.

    Report Reply
  • mrs.morris27mrs.morris27
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I completely understand what you are going thru. My FMIl has a drinking problem too. She has phases where she likes me and the next day or hour she will be calling us non-stop yelling about how horrible I am. I also understand about  not wanting to include her.

    my advice is to make small steps. You may not like her, but just calling to say Hi one day could be good for her. If she feels like you are including her/like her there is a chance that she wont drink if you ever ask her to come out with you.
    Report Reply
  • Shawnee11507Shawnee11507
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You said your FI loves his mother. I don't think it is up to YOU to cut her out of your lives.

    You need to talk to your FI about this! She is going to be around forever. And what will happen if you have kids?
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic Image and video hosting by TinyPic Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards