Not Engaged Yet

10 Things Not to Say to Childfree Friends

Saw this article and thought it was relevant to recent discussions.

http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/parenting/10-things-not-to-say-to-your-childfree-friends-2595394/

I'm not sure all of those things would bug me, but the "family" thing is a huge issue. BF and I ARE a family. We don't need pooping creatures to make a family. (Although our pup is definitely part of the family too. And she poops.)
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Re: 10 Things Not to Say to Childfree Friends

  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    I particularly like #4. Mostly because it super bugs me that over on the students board (where there are mostly younger girls) they constantly say crap about how they don't want to go out and party and sleep around. Like if you aren't engaged or married at 20 that is what you are doing. It makes me a little stabby when people say things like that.


  • Elle1036Elle1036 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Good article.  I agree with every point on the list.
  • LizzyTish88LizzyTish88 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I agree with all those but especially "this must be birth control for you." Actually your crying kid doesn't bother me at all because I come from a huge family and there is always children under the age of 5 at any given time. I don't have a child because I am 23 and want to do things/travel/save before I have children. Trust me it has nothing to do with your child.
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  • Hazel_BHazel_B member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Such a good article, although I'm not sure if some of them would bother me really.

    Although the "I can't die, I'm a mom" one reminded me of how certain people think rights to vacation work. For example, just because you have kids doesn't mean you get first dibs on Christmas vacation, particularly when they stay in the area and there are other people in an office with no family in the area and need to travel for Christmas.

  • paintgirlpaintgirl member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    Here she is! Be jealous. She's awesome. :) And I don't know how to turn the pic below so just turn the screen. Or your head.



  • paintgirlpaintgirl member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_10-things-not-say-childfree-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:0f0d9f1a-cd70-4f20-8d8b-e9c3a5a8e519Post:19d34590-3199-4fe3-9abd-91c5b705de7c">Re: 10 Things Not to Say to Childfree Friends</a>:
    [QUOTE]Although the "I can't die, I'm a mom" one reminded me of how certain people think rights to vacation work. For example, just because you have kids doesn't mean you get first dibs on Christmas vacation, particularly when they stay in the area and there are other people in an office with no family in the area and need to travel for Christmas.
    Posted by Hazel_B[/QUOTE]

    No freakin' kidding. I hate the "I have a kid" excuse with anything work related. I chose not to reproduce. You chose to reproduce. You CHOSE to. So live by the same rules at work that I do. If your kid is sick, take a sick day. Don't whine that you didn't get a freebie or whatever. And no, you shouldn't get priority over me on vacation days just because you have offspring. You're not special. 99.99999999% of the population can make this happen in some way or another. You don't get a badge.
  • desertsundesertsun member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Huh. I find the second item on the list interesting. 

    (sidenote: I could not bring myself to say: I find #2 interesting. B/c apparently I'm still 12 on the inside and I giggled at the idea of being fascinated by poo.)

    But anyway. I will sometimes say, "My H and I are interested in starting a family at some point." For some reason, I like that wording. I guess b/c maybe saying "We want to have kids" to me more closely relates to us having sex? It's like when people ask a couple "Were you trying?" -- which, btw, should be on a top 10 list of things not to say to expecting parents -- it's like they're asking "Did you realize that having unprotected sex would lead to a child?"

    I guess I shouldn't assume everyone is like me and always thinking about sex.


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  • paintgirlpaintgirl member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_10-things-not-say-childfree-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:0f0d9f1a-cd70-4f20-8d8b-e9c3a5a8e519Post:92002636-0f52-4fb5-bd93-b7258c1a77a8">Re: 10 Things Not to Say to Childfree Friends</a>:
    [QUOTE] I guess I shouldn't assume everyone is like me and always thinking about sex.
    Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]

    I am like you. I hate people telling me they are "trying" (unless it's a close friend that I WOULD talk about sex with). I don't report every I shag my bf, why the F do people "trying" to get pg think they need to tell everyone about it?
  • edited December 2011
    #3 is what hurts me the most.  My BFF (less BFF as of late) has a kid and when she was preggo we talked about all the fun things we would do when her baby was here.  We were a "family" and I was like a sister to her.  Now, all I see is pictures of her with new friends that have kids and I'm never invited.. anywhere.  

    Nothing stings worse than "well we invited them because they have a kid".  I'd love to see him have fun too. 
  • LizzyTish88LizzyTish88 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_10-things-not-say-childfree-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:0f0d9f1a-cd70-4f20-8d8b-e9c3a5a8e519Post:63731432-9946-49b6-bf05-d2246e5be703">Re: 10 Things Not to Say to Childfree Friends</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: 10 Things Not to Say to Childfree Friends : I am like you. I hate people telling me they are "trying" (unless it's a close friend that I WOULD talk about sex with). I don't report every I shag my bf, why the F do people "trying" to get pg think they need to tell everyone about it?
    Posted by paintgirl[/QUOTE]

    This. Same goes for people asking if your trying. If people want to talk about it with close friends then sure, but only if the information is offered up. I'm not about to ask people about their sex lives and I expect them to not ask me. (This is all subject to the context of a conversation but you know what I mean.)
    friends tv show funy
  • paintgirlpaintgirl member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    She's such a sweet girl Lauren. We were really lucky with her (she was a rescue with unknown background). You can't swear in front of her. She hides. So she was probably not treated very well before we got her. Now she's the queen of the house.

    She LOVES to play in the snow but I'm not sure she's ever seen this much. She ran around the yard, packed down some snow, then did her thing there. That way her cooch wasn't directly in the snow! She's so smart. I'm so proud.
  • paintgirlpaintgirl member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    I love people who love my dog. <3
  • edited December 2011
    I think a lot of that list has to do with how close you are to the person.  I also think that the statements depend on where they fall in a conversation.  And from the other side of the fence, I know that I have made some of those statements when I have already been put on the defensive. 

    I do feel that the the general feel of the article is a good one.  I just think that both sides tend to get offended easily when there were no offenses meant. 
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  • paintgirlpaintgirl member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    How sweet! I love your pup's spots. Freckled belly too?
  • lennonkdclennonkdc member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer First Comment
    edited December 2011
    This was awesome. I want to send it to my friends with kids, not that all of them have said/done these things, but at one point or an other one have them have done something close. I esp hate the 'family' issue that Paint pointed out, and its even worse as *gasp* unmarrieds. BF and I are a family, without rings and without kids thankyouverymuch.

    I also liked #7, as I will happily AW pics of my kitties whenever asked (or not.) 




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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_10-things-not-say-childfree-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:0f0d9f1a-cd70-4f20-8d8b-e9c3a5a8e519Post:e7bf66d2-d46e-4356-b8f6-c9024223e147">Re: 10 Things Not to Say to Childfree Friends</a>:
    [QUOTE]This was awesome. I want to send it to my friends with kids, not that all of them have said/done these things, but at one point or an other one have them have done something close. I esp hate the 'family' issue that Paint pointed out, and its even worse as *gasp* unmarrieds. BF and I are a family, without rings and without kids thankyouverymuch.

    I also liked #7, as I will happily AW pics of my kitties whenever asked (or not.) 
    Posted by lennonkdc[/QUOTE]

    Do not do this.  Seriously.  That would be like one of them sending you an email with what to not say to someone who just had a kid. 
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  • DanieKADanieKA member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I saw that this morning. I actually read a few infertility blogs, so I always have the mindset that articles like this are written, for lack of better phrasing, to fertiles for the sake of those dealing with infertility. 

    Some of it is just a bit much. Like others have said, I don't think some of these things are said to be offensive or b/c people are on a power trip, maybe a tad thoughtless or out of curiosity, but with no real malice. But others I agree with, like #9. I get it. Parents are busy. But I'm busy, too. It's just different types of busy. And some parents are less busy than some people who don't have kids. And certainly vice versa. But don't pretend like I'm doing nothing all day just because I don't have kids. 
  • csousa1csousa1 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_10-things-not-say-childfree-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:0f0d9f1a-cd70-4f20-8d8b-e9c3a5a8e519Post:92002636-0f52-4fb5-bd93-b7258c1a77a8">Re: 10 Things Not to Say to Childfree Friends</a>:
    [QUOTE]Huh. I find the second item on the list interesting.  (sidenote: I could not bring myself to say: I find #2 interesting. B/c apparently I'm still 12 on the inside and I giggled at the idea of being fascinated by poo.) But anyway. I will sometimes say, "My H and I are interested in starting a family at some point." For some reason, I like that wording. I guess b/c maybe saying "We want to have kids" to me more closely relates to us having sex? It's like when people ask a couple "Were you trying?" -- which, btw, should be on a top 10 list of things not to say to expecting parents -- it's like they're asking "Did you realize that having unprotected sex would lead to a child?" <strong>I guess I shouldn't assume everyone is like me and always thinking about sex.
    </strong>Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]

    I am!!! And I totally understood your mentality behind that phrasing too. Is it an Aquarian trait to have a potty mind?
  • edited December 2011
    By the way, if someone were to ever send me a link like this through email, I would probably respond with one of the following links.  Tongue out 

    SAHM Pet Peeves

    Things to Never Say to a Mom


    Lauren, I never worried about that in a negative way.  I feel an enormous responsibility to raise a great person.  I feel the responsibility in everything I do.  However, I definitely don't worry about that responsibility.  I worry about if my sons will follow their passions, be happy, find love, be healthy, etc.  I feel fairly confident that we will raise responsible, productive members of society. 


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  • paintgirlpaintgirl member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    Mutley - Thank god it didn't say, "Do you own a TV?" Because I say that one. OOPS! Guess I'll stop. Wink
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_10-things-not-say-childfree-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:0f0d9f1a-cd70-4f20-8d8b-e9c3a5a8e519Post:ee9c1051-b42f-4d93-abfb-bbddc8e032a7">Re: 10 Things Not to Say to Childfree Friends</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: 10 Things Not to Say to Childfree Friends : Did I miss an announcemnt - did you find out the sex?!
    Posted by yaga13[/QUOTE]

    No announcement was made.  But yes, we are having another son.  We are beyond thrilled.  Plus everything showed up as healthy and normal on the ultrasound.  That is the best part of it all.

    Only 18ish more weeks to go.  Just crazy pants.   
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_10-things-not-say-childfree-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:0f0d9f1a-cd70-4f20-8d8b-e9c3a5a8e519Post:1e023053-dd3d-4cfb-9ff8-ae449f14179a">Re: 10 Things Not to Say to Childfree Friends</a>:
    [QUOTE]Mutley, I think I worry about that because I know that right now I would not be able to give a child the life he or she deserves.  DH and I are grad students on crappy grad student salary with crappy grad student health insurance and often 14-16 hour days.  I'm hoping that, when we have jobs and are more settled, I will feel the responsibility in the way you mentioned.  Maybe I will feel more confident about it when I know we are equipped in all of those ways to raise children.  DH's cousins are around our age and starting to have kids and I am starting to feel the pressure from some of his older relatives (i.e. grandmother asking for a great-grandchild "before she dies"). The pressure just makes me even more nervous.
    Posted by laurenb09[/QUOTE]

    I think that makes sense, and I think that it shows that you guys will be great parents when you get to that point.  (IF you want to be parents that is.)  My DH was well established in his career when I met him.  Now that we do have a kid, he just made a big leap to a great, very stable job that is even more family friendly. 

    And yes, wait until you have really great health insurance.  We had decent health insurance with Mr. Man.  He cost us $8,500.  Now, we have amazaballs health insurance and this one will cost us $10. 
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  • csousa1csousa1 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011

    I do understand what the article is getting at, and I agree with the general idea(and a lot of the items). However, putting it in such a general list like this is a little over the top. It's like making a, "What not to say to moms," "What not to say to pet owners," "What not to say to people who choose not to own pets," "What not to say to me on a FRIDAY!"

    People can take exception to anything that offends them and ask someone not to continue in that vein of conversation, but don't tell all mothers at all times not to start off with an apology or to never envy someone's free time.

    I do agree that no one - on either side of any issue, but especially one so personal - should be judgmental or talk down to someone who happens to not want the same things. That is just silly, and a waste of time. You aren't going to guilt or harrass people into making the same choices that you did.

    I agree with Mutley, though, that the points in this article depend a lot on how close you are to the friend in question. That changes the "rules" a lot, and hopefully any good friend would respect that kind of boundary. With such a sensitive topic, offense tends to be taken when it was not intended and that's a shame.

  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_10-things-not-say-childfree-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:0f0d9f1a-cd70-4f20-8d8b-e9c3a5a8e519Post:4793ad47-ef1b-418d-9270-8558c7003193">Re: 10 Things Not to Say to Childfree Friends</a>:
    [QUOTE]DH and I agree that we want them in a few years when we're in a better position.  Until then, I will look at adorable Mr. Men pictures!  Also, $10?  That is so full of win!
    Posted by laurenb09[/QUOTE]

    I didn't want to be presumptious.  <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />

    And yes, $10 copay for our anatomy scan ultrasound.  Hospital (labor and delivery) and all of my pre-natal care is 100% covered.  It is somewhat surreal after last time. 
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  • edited December 2011
    Oh man, I've had #4 happen to me. It's so irritating! Just beacuse I am tired and my hair isn't done does NOT mean I went out last night an am hungover! It's entirely possible that I just didn't feel like looking my best and the reason has nothing to do with ETOH.

    I can also relate to #10. I recently befriended the wife of FI's friend Mike, and they have 2 kids. All she talks about is her kids and how much she enjoys being a SAHM. I want to get to know her, but I feel like there isn't much past her other than her kids. My other friends who are parents share everything, including their kids, family, their parents, holiday issues. It's like, why can't my new friend talk about other stuff? On top of that... it makes me cranky that you get to be a SAHM. Going on and on about it is a little bit of a turnoff because we will probably never be in that position.
    www.nurseyk.weebly.com
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_10-things-not-say-childfree-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:0f0d9f1a-cd70-4f20-8d8b-e9c3a5a8e519Post:1f6bd281-cdd5-42f7-a8f0-8bbb0b8dc5d2">Re: 10 Things Not to Say to Childfree Friends</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: 10 Things Not to Say to Childfree Friends : I think that makes sense, and I think that it shows that you guys will be great parents when you get to that point.  (IF you want to be parents that is.)  My DH was well established in his career when I met him.  Now that we do have a kid, he just made a big leap to a great, very stable job that is even more family friendly.  And yes, wait until you have really great health insurance.  We had decent health insurance with Mr. Man.  He cost us $8,500.  Now, we have amazaballs health insurance and this one will cost us $10. 
    Posted by TheMutleys[/QUOTE]

    I just coughed. I think I'm going to review my health insurance today.
    www.nurseyk.weebly.com
  • Hazel_BHazel_B member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Mutley has a great point about how close you are to someone and how those could be taken.

    I think there is a huge difference between how you talk about something you've experienced and something you haven't experienced. For example, I'm not a mom and I know I'm pretty clueless about what moms go through, so I keep my mouth shut about things. However, most people prior to having children have been asked when  they are having kids and should remember how it felt and how it probably ranged from " would these people just lay off" to " i can't wait" and so many other possibilities during their relationship.  So, I'd think people would be a little more considerate because they've been there.  
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_10-things-not-say-childfree-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:0f0d9f1a-cd70-4f20-8d8b-e9c3a5a8e519Post:fb14d5a9-8d5c-4fa0-ad57-399a3858fecb">Re: 10 Things Not to Say to Childfree Friends</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: 10 Things Not to Say to Childfree Friends : I just coughed. I think I'm going to review my health insurance today.
    Posted by NurseyK[/QUOTE]

    As a nurse, you probably have great coverage.  DH used to work at a smaller company and we didn't have a choice in what insurance we got (unless we wanted to go private.)  The $8,500 was our out-of-pocket maximum and it was on a PPO plan. 

    Now, we have an HMO that we were able to chose out of a wide range of plans.  Plus DH works for a very large company, so our monthly premiums are 1/3rd the previous cost.  We coughed when we saw how much his employer pays every month. 
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  • jemmini6jemmini6 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_10-things-not-say-childfree-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:0f0d9f1a-cd70-4f20-8d8b-e9c3a5a8e519Post:4d416552-9100-4df4-9979-c7bbfd64f2b4">Re: 10 Things Not to Say to Childfree Friends</a>:
    [QUOTE]I do understand what the article is getting at, and I agree with the general idea(and a lot of the items). However, putting it in such a general list like this is a little over the top. It's like making a, "What not to say to moms," "What not to say to pet owners," "What not to say to people who choose not to own pets," "What not to say to me on a FRIDAY!" People can take exception to anything that offends them and ask someone not to continue in that vein of conversation, but don't tell all mothers at all times not to start off with an apology or to never envy someone's free time. I do agree that no one - on either side of any issue, but especially one so personal - should be judgmental or talk down to someone who happens to not want the same things. That is just silly, and a waste of time. You aren't going to guilt or harrass people into making the same choices that you did. I agree with Mutley, though, that the points in this article depend a lot on how close you are to the friend in question. That changes the "rules" a lot, and hopefully any good friend would respect that kind of boundary. With such a sensitive topic, offense tends to be taken when it was not intended and that's a shame.
    Posted by csousa1[/QUOTE]


    THIS.  I mean, they seem like great points on the surface, but then you realize you can make that kind of list for any type of situation (moms, not moms, brides, not brides, employed, unemployed, overwieght, underweight, etc).  And then where would we be?  We'd just have a bunch of conversational red tape and have to carry lists around for any type of personal situation to make sure we don't offend anyone.  Really, all you need is common sense and to know your audience. 

    And on the receiving end of these comments, you need to realize that people not in your exact situation might not understand why things they say are taboo, and need to just right it off as such. 

    I also agree that the only statements on these types of lists that really irritate the crap out of me are people degrading other's choices if they are different from their own.  I think people who have that kind of mentality are really just looking for ways to justify their own choices to themselves.  Maybe someone misses being childless, so in a way to convince themselves that having kids when they did was the best decision ever, they have to say nasty things about people who don't want kids because they don't want to be reminded that they could have made that choice too.  (definitely not saying every situation is like this, but it's definitely a possibility for some people).
    Anniversary
  • leia1979leia1979 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Honestly, the only thing that really bugs me isn't on this list. It's "You'll change your mind." If someone has made that type of personal decision, then just respect it and drop the topic. Don't try to convince them to come to your side of the argument.

    Also, not inviting someone because they aren't a parent is sad. If I'm your friend, I'd like to be given the choice.
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