Your invited brings an un-invited....

mjlkhk · August 2009

I have posted about this before, that I feared that certain guests who are only sent a "you" are invited will take it upon themselves to invite their bf or gf. We are only inviting LONG term, engaged, or married people as couples.My fears have started...........One of my guests RSVP'd to the engagement party with "me and ____ will be there".....the invite was for HER, not "them." She usually is a little, um...pushy (I think that is the best term), and is used to getting her way. My engagement party host said, "oh whatever as long as only 50 people show up and no more." Which is fine, that host is paying, not me..w/e... But it is an interesting comment given that the eng. party invite list had 39 (no kids, no bf or gf, just married and/or single)....if we add in their bf/gf/kids the list extends to about 65...........HUGE difference between the invited.A little early to be worried about this for the wedding, I know, but...........never to early to wonder how to handle it.So..........for example:Invite reads: (wedding)Addressed to: Jane DoeInvite says: Jane DoeResponse/RSVP card says: Jane Doe which entree?CLEARLY a 1 person invite, and she rsvp's withJane Doe and John Smith will bet there eating chicken (or whatever).Not married, we dont know that bf, they are not long term and NO one else got an exception.Sorry bout the length, but................Advice? Do I call her then and tell her that although we would love to invite the world, we can't (politely) and that the invite was for her only? (politely) Can I address it now, politely (and how), that her guest was not our guest?

eastunder1 · August 2009

Tying to determine "long term" gets tricky? What is your criteria? Six months? A year?

J&K10910 · August 2009

Yes. Call and tell her the invite was for her. Just her. If you want you can add "But we'd love to meet (bf) some other time, maybe we can do dinner after the wedding."But if she's traveling a long distance or they're serious (and it's really not your place to judge seriousness), it would be nice of you to invite him.

C W · August 2009

I think you really don't need to be worrying about this until you actually have a guest rsvp to your wedding with an uninvited guest. If that does happen though, you should call the invited person at that time and politely explain that you cannot accommodate the guest due to budget/space constraints. I wouldn't address it ahead of time. As for the engagement party, I would leave it up to the host to deal with uninvited guests.

mjlkhk · August 2009

Serious = 6months +, engaged, married, OR living togetherShe doesn't qualify for any of those

Leah&Christian09 · August 2009

This is why I say all people in actual relationships get an invite for their s/o. It's impossible to make a cut off for long term or serious that doesn't create confusion and upset people.

lyndausvi · August 2009

I agree long term is not easily defined. DH and I were talking marriage by the 4th day. I got enaged in 7 months, but it would have been sooner if I lived near my family (DH wanted to actually met them first).

raynes · August 2009

You've already sent out invites for you wedding that's almost a year away?What if in that year they get married?

raynes · August 2009

Sorry, reading comprehension fail. Too many ...................'sI'd wait and deal with it later, if it happens. But if it does happen, deal with it immediately.

mjlkhk · August 2009

We have made the decision as to who to cut off.......she is the only one causing an issue so far. Surprisingly the others (this far in advance) have asked us; she did not.

lyndausvi · August 2009

oh I agree you need to address this closer to the wedding. She might be engaged, living with someone or still with this guy buy then which means she will meet your criteria.

mandybear7 · August 2009

Your wedding isn't until about a year from now, right? You might not want to invite this friend in a year, anyways, so don't start worrying now.

Soon-to-be Mrs. Vogt · August 2009

Worry about this when it happens. Then call her and explain to her that her guest wasn't invited and you just can't accommodate him.I would really caution you though - FI and I were serious from like week 2. We were like lynda, we knew we wanted to get married right away. We were engaged after 4 months. So...seriousness isn't necessarily defined in terms of time.

raynes · August 2009

What if, hypothetically, 9 months from now when you're sending the invites, she's still dating the same person. Would that not be considered serious? Would she not get to bring that person because when you made your guest list she wasn't serious?We joked at the beginning about using the phrase, "no ring, no bring" as how to cut off our guest list, but definitely looked at it individually.

mandybear7 · August 2009

I agree that "seriousness" is not in terms of time. But, if one of my friends just started dating her BF and I haven't met him yet, I admit that I wouldn't want him at my wedding.

Soon-to-be Mrs. Vogt · August 2009

I guess the other thing to consider is that you're so far out, and it sounds like this is a big deal for you - you might want to build in some extra seats for your guests who find themselves in serious relationships in the next year that meet your criteria.

mandybear7 · August 2009

Agree with Vogt- My wedding is a year away and yes, we have a preliminary guest list. But, we built in the +1 for most of our single friends because who knows what will happen in a year?

Soon-to-be Mrs. Vogt · August 2009

And then if you're building it in, why not just invite them anyway?

We gave everyone a +1. I have no idea how many people will use it yet, but the thing is...if they use it, they must think they need some company. The ones who don't use it will probably want to party with their friends or not have some random dude who doesn't know anyone dragging them down. But I know if it was me, I wouldn't feel comfortable going to a wedding where I didn't know many people without someone to talk to and sit with during dinner. Just my two cents. I understand that most people don't have room for everyone to have a guest.

julezlee · August 2009

An ellipse has 3 periods and should be used sparingly. I'm not really sure what you're trying to convey with strings of 7-100 periods. Oh, and what everyone else said. You're wedding is a year away.

Leah&Christian09 · August 2009

We gave everyone a +1...We did this, too. Only 2-3 of our single friends actually brought a date, and some even left the new bf/gf at home. It was so much easier than trying to figure out when people started dating and how serious they were.

laladypoet · August 2009

put a hit out on her.

Soon-to-be Mrs. Vogt · August 2009

I

you lala. I'm going to have to sign the petition stating that you always need to be here!

eastunder1 · August 2009

I would think it would make sense to invite these people. If they are still together a year from now when your wedding actually happens, then they ARE long term relationships and should be included. And if they're broken up by then, well they won't be there anyways. Just try to remember you have to be friends with all these people after your wedding. If this IS a significant relationship that you're excluding, how offended will they be and how will it impact your future relationship?

mjlkhk · August 2009

It is fair to say that we each have our own definition of "serious." FI and I came to a mutual agreement on ours though.Yes I know that I have a year, but I was wondering about this now as the situation arose. Thank you for all your help on this, this far in advance and all.And of course we are not cementing the guest list right now, just having a preliminary one because the venue required a headcount estimate.Thanks again.

eastunder1 · August 2009

It is fair to say that we each have our own definition of "serious." FI and I came to a mutual agreement on ours though.I think this is the problem that arises with determining who gets invited and who doesn't. I've known couples who were very serious from the first week out, and couples who dated for months and months but didn't ever really make a serious, meaningful commitment. Who is anyone else to say how "serious" a couple is, but the couple themselves?

Leah&Christian09 · August 2009

It is fair to say that we each have our own definition of "serious." FI and I came to a mutual agreement on ours though.The problem with this, though, is that you are making a judgment about someone else's relationship. When friend X, who has been seeing her guy for 5 months doesn't get invited with him and finds out that friend Y, who has been seeing her BF for 7 months did get invited with him, friend X is going to be hurt. Friend X isn't going to know the details, she's just going to know that you didn't consider her relationship serious enough.

mjlkhk · August 2009

I thank you all for your opinions. It has made me think a little more about it all. Our opinion (which is not required to be like everyone else's) is that we define serious. If we do not want Person X's s/o there, then they will not get invited. The criteria to which we judge that is solely up to us. If Person X were to make a huge deal of it than I would not want person X there to begin with. I would hope that all of our friends and family were mature enough to handle situations properly and understand that a wedding is about a bride and groom and celebrating their love and not about who brought who, who didn't, and who didn't get invited. I would also hope FI and I were mature enough to not show favoritism and hold everyone to the same criteria. Heck, the engagement party has a no-kid policy and although all of our guests have children, not a single one said a thing. :-) I just was curious how to approach it is all. Thank you all again. As my question is aimed more towards the etiquette of a second guest, maybe a separate topic regarding "seriousness of a relationship" should be opened up in order to get into that further.

eastunder1 · August 2009

Mjlglhlh, threads often take on a life of their own and branch into sub topics. This is just the nature of the board. Also, keep in mind you ARE on an etiquette board. And it is good etiquette not to split up established couples, so the concern and discussion on what may constitute "established" is valid.

banana468 · August 2009

Please just be aware that 'serious' may mean different things to different people.If you know a guy has a friend with benefits for two months that can be MUCH different than the person who has been just lucky and in love quickly.You can limit a relationship to six months but just be prepared that you can be alienating people's sig others by doing so. And just as you're fully entitled to handle that guest list as you want to, they're entitled to think that you're determining the status of their relationship which isn't your place. IMO, handle things on a case by case basis.For example, had DH and I put up a 'six month' rule then my FSIL wouldn't have attended my wedding because she was with BIL for 4 months at the time the invitations were sent and just six months on the way of the wedding. The two of us are VERY close and I'm a BM in the wedding. I don't know that *I* would want to look back now and think that I decided to chop people from the guest list because they didn't fit my made up criteria.

Leah&Christian09 · August 2009

If Person X were to make a huge deal of it than I would not want person X there to begin with. I would hope that all of our friends and family were mature enough to handle situations properlyOf course, most people would be polite and either decline or come alone, but that doesn't mean they wouldn't be hurt or feel slighted. There wasn't a single person on our guest list that I would be ok with hurting. Your wedding ceases to be just about you when you start inviting other people. Why would you not want to be the best host possible?

laladypoet · August 2009

I think being a good host just means NOT putting a hit out on her.leah, how the hell are ya?

Your invited brings an un-invited....

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